The Guide To Dating: A Life Lost in Lust (Holy Shit it’s a Series) (1106 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: Dating_Guide
Rating: 1.63 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hourman (View user info) at 2006-12-20 06:20:18 EST
The Guide To Dating: A Life Lost in Lust (Holy Shit it's a Series)
We will assume that through some act of kindness from the God(s) you have somehow managed to get the second/ third/ fourth date etc.
It's not hard (but none of this stuff is really), but here is how to politely request another date: "I had a really good time with you, fancy doing it again sometime?" As long as you don't say something like "Look, I love you. There I said... marry me?" Or "So how many dates is it before you put out?" You're pretty much guaranteed a yes.
In the modern age we live in where communication is so easy, if one of you people (men) are stupid enough to not ring a girl you like then you should crush your scrotums. The girl should never have to ring the guy first... like in all the shitty movies for twelve year olds. If those films were real life they would go:
Boy meets girl.
Boy and Girl have fun for 1 day.
Boy and girl leave each other, both wishing to see the other.
BOY NEVER RINGS BECAUSE PUBERTY HATES YOU
Girl gets depressed because boy does not ring.
Girl develops daddy issues.
Life goes on.
So back to my point: Women like to know that they are liked, as do men, but men are the ones who have to say it first (Unless she's either: a. A ho, b. Very outgoing... which often leads to her being mental and annoying.) That means you have to call them/ text them...or e-mail I guess... but that makes you look like a proper dick who hasn't even got the time to pick up the phone.
If you have made it to the next level then lets look at the new situations that become available!
A Party
Your friend is having a party and you decide to invite this girl you like. That's a good thing. Here are the bad things:
1. If any song (especially Bohemian Rhapsody) comes on you DO NOT turn up the volume and start rocking out with your air guitar/ bass/drum set/ microphone stand/ xylophone or anything else.
2. You DO NOT drink too much. Seriously stick to shandy or even better go alcohol free (that's only if you can't trust yourself not to get drunk... in which case call a hot line because you're an alcoholic.) That way 2 things don't happen: The first is brewer's droops (or the inability to rise to the occasion), the second is in direct correlation with 1 e.g. look like a tit (depending on how much you two like each other I guess)
3. You do introduce her to people and stay in the close proximity just in case any loner fuck bags try and steal your prize melon. YOU DO NOT hold her hand/ introduce as anything other than her name (if someone says 'so are you two seeing each other', smile look at her and see what she does. If she just does the same just say something like 'well we're on date right now... so yeah I guess we are!' Then look at her face for reaction. Afterwards make a little joke, it doesn't even have to be funny, 'Well that was awkward, want a drink?' She'll laugh you'll smile, she'll swoon.)
4. DO NOT stand in a corner on your own with her needlessly judging all who pass asunder your fiery gaze of perception.
5. DO NOT ignore her (surprisingly easy to do when you're at a party full of all your mates.)
6. Some strange... very strange people like to dance at parties. DO NOT. Unless of course she has brought ballet shoes/ tap shoes/ clogs, in which case let her go. Then you run.
7. DO NOT play computer games at the party... even if others are, you did not bring this girl here to show her that you can hit a 16 million point combo on Tony Hawk 4 for the PS2 (yep).
8. DO NOT try and be alone the whole time, at least pretend like you can survive in a social environment (remember pretty soon you'll have to go to one of her parties)
9. DO NOT get stoned. Unless she does. Then it's ok... but remember once again there's a reason she smokes it and yes you guessed it, she's probably mental.
10. DO NOT play with fire or act like a jackass/ jack the lad/ queer. [Sarcasm Button] Women really love it when a guy sets his hand on fire jumps around and then ends up laughing with all his mates for ages about it. Seriously they love that shit. Makes 'em horny. [End Sarcasm] (This sort of shit is reserved for phase two of the girlfriend.)
When you leave don't make any sexual connotations/ innuendos to your mates (If you did/ would you're a fucking prick.)
Some sort of day out.... lets just say amusement park.
1. If she wants to go on a girly ride do not point and laugh while calling her a pansy.
2. Do not hurl onto her ever for any reason.
3. Do not buy all the ride photos of her looking a mess (in fact you could go 'Well I'd like a photo so lets get someone to take one of us then?' Bingo.)
4. Do not head straight to the arcade and proceed to kick ass at Time Crisis 2.
5. Do not head to the gift shop until AFTER.
6. Do not point out all the faults of a particularly ride. Especially if you are on the particular ride.
7. Do not scare the shit out of her in the haunted house... she will hate you (that's reserved for when she willingly calls you her boyfriend)
8. Do not act the big man. Girls hate it when you act all manly ALL the time... especially if you're going to bitch about it later/then/always.
9. Don't be a pussy all the time. Girls hate it when you act feminine ALL the time... especially when you have more hair treatment/ manicures/ pedicures than her.
10. Do not offer to buy lunch straight away. See if you can tough it out (for no real reason other than Amusement park food is fucking expensive).
The longer you date each other the more you are going to find out about each other. That's natural and totally fine... however I would recommend avoiding her if she has daddy issues. There is nothing funny about them because it will end up being your fault.
Another good thing to recognise is that when a women, especially if new(ish) to you, is telling you a problem... I'm fairly certain they don't want you to solve it. I think, I may be wrong (the women can tell me) but I think they just want someone to listen to their problems. I think they will ask if they want help... maybe. You are not Dr Phil.
Back to the crux of this little argument. If you have some how managed to avoid these pitfalls and even managed to get on 'wink wink nudge nudge' then congratulations you're on the right path, but you're a LONG way from home Dorothy.
As a note here is the 'Date to Rape' ratio (E.g. how many dates you should have before she will actually let you sleep with her:
0 Dates: Either you paid her/ she's a slag/ or you're a bad person.
1-2 Dates: Either you rushed things/ she's a slag/ you're a slag
3-5 Dates: Nice comfortable setting. You both no each other well enough to be cool.
6-8 Dates: You're not dating? Ok... well stick with it if you like her...
9-10 Dates: Dude... what the hell? Stop being a pussy! Do you or don't you like her?
11+ Dates: DADDY ISSUES! DADDY ISSUES! Either that or you're gay/ social retarded.
Enjoy people and look out for the next instalment.
User Reviews
Submitted by DreamWeaver (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:21:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You people on this site are too fucking lazy to click on a link.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-02 12:42:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-05 13:10:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
pretty good. definitely on the money with the "daddy issues"
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-22 20:48:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-12-20 13:18:13 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-12-20 12:55:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm a slag :(
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-12-22 20:15:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-22 19:44:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
make a version for us stupid Americans
Submitted by Entaran (user info) at 2006-12-21 20:00:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This requires a plus two.
So much knowledge for the young'ns here.
And it works.
It really does :P
Submitted by Snare (user info) at 2006-12-21 01:05:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Knocking on the door of a point it took me too long to learn here.
Woman tells man a problem.
Man's naturla inclination is to offer solutions and attempt to help.
Woman only wants sympathetic noises.
Men like to fix stuff. Women like to marinade in their misery, comfortable in the fact everyone around them knows how shite their life is.
Go figure.
There's a reason they've got tits'n'ass'all that.
If they didn't, we'd have nothing to do with 'em.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2006-12-21 00:47:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like smiling. Smiling's my favourite.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-12-20 22:57:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
JonnyX was killed yesterday when his hard drive exploded and he was buried underneath seven tons of untreated waste material he was planning to post next year.
In lieu of flowers, please donate here: http://216.220.97.17/
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-12-20 13:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not bad.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-12-20 13:18:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-12-20 12:55:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm a slag :(
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-12-20 12:55:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm a slag :(
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-12-20 12:47:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
that's way too many rules
for simple minds.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-12-20 11:20:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
9. DO NOT get stoned. Unless she does. Then it's ok... but remember once again there's a reason she smokes it and yes you guessed it, she's probably mental.
---
im so not mental...
maybe.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-12-20 09:16:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done, especially the scoring legend at the end.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-12-20 08:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you ms Angel.
I have that problem. I used to try and solve all my fiances problems. Now I don't try.... I'm sure there's a happy medium
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-12-20 07:59:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and Clark, you're right, most of the time girls don't want you to solve their problem, but just to offer a sympathetic ear and a genuine hug. If we want suggestions for resolutions, we'll ask you.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-12-20 07:58:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-12-20 06:37:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Joey... you mean all girls are slags nowadays.
----------
Only on Tuesdays, Bean.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2006-12-20 07:57:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
0 Dates: Either you paid her/ she's a slag/ or you're a bad person.
If i ever get above that number , i'm not user 5888 anymore...(i would still be 1794...)
nice series , hour . If i can get myself to write more coherent , i'll write down my tactics , truly uncomparable to your version .
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-12-20 07:34:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this series
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-12-20 06:59:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i wrote a whole review and it didnt go through
that rhymes
I dont how to spell rhymes - is that the right way to spell it?
my review was that this was awesome!!!!
and that you need to name drop more
in particular my name
i_can_get_you_a_toe - cos i'm secretly awesome
whatever
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-12-20 06:37:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Joey... you mean all girls are slags nowadays.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-12-20 06:35:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In all of the relationships I've had, I've only ever twice waited longer then 2 dates before getting down to it. And a fair few of those times it hasn't had to be me who makes the first move.
The art of courtship is fast becoming lost/unneccessary in todays society.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-12-20 06:33:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment