Have a holly jolly Christmas (416 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.75 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by swine_powered_sock_monkey (View user info) at 2006-12-20 13:53:12 EST
I fucking hate the holidays.
Honestly, I could go from making my fat ass fatter at Thanksgiving, straight on to getting my drunk ass drunker at New Year's, and have not a complaint in the world. Here's a short list of the things I love about the holidays:
1. Christmas music - Excuse me while I puncture my eardrums with a sharpened candy cane. If I hear one more repeat of that stupid song about the kid getting shoes for his sick mother, I'll kill the bitch myself. With the shoes. Whore.
2. Christmas Presents - I hope you all get cancer in your stockings this year, you rotten little shits. Santa never brought me a damned thing that I wanted. Was a potato gun that hard for your sweatshop full of midgets to throw together? By the way, thanks for that skateboard, you fat fuck. I lived on a dirt road.
3. Television Specials - Wow! Rudolph the badly-animated puppet saved Christmas again! Just the same as last year! And every Christmas since 1964, for that matter. You would think that after forty-plus years of playing the same crap every Christmas, they'd come up with something new to show us. Things like this tend to lose their magic after a few decades. I still wonder if that little gay fucker ever got to be a dentist, though.
4. Christmas Trees - Oh, how I love some irony. Here's a novel idea! Let's celebrate the birth of the Christian savior by cutting down a perfectly healthy tree and driving 3 screws through it's trunk. Now we can display it somewhere for all to see, and just for good measure, we can make a mockery of nature by hanging cheap plastic crap all over it. If your tree could talk, it would say: "Now I know how Jesus felt. Please kill me."
5. Holiday wishes - To all those people who take the time to wish me a "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!", I only have one thing to say to you: Suck a Christmas dick.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all... eh, go fuck yourselves.
User Reviews
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-12-21 10:05:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If your tree could talk, it would say: "Now I know how Jesus felt. Please kill me."
haha
something original in a christmas rant.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-12-21 09:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this brought down my holiday spirits
Submitted by swine_powered_hate_machine (user info) at 2006-12-21 09:02:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-20 17:05:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
"If your tree could talk, it would say: "Now I know how Jesus felt. Please kill me."
um... technically it's already dead - yet I still giggled.
fine work.
_______________________________________
Well, not really dead yet... I could draw a metaphor involving a rag soaked with vinegar being used to sustain Jesus and the little bowl of water at the bottom of the cruci... err, tree stand, but I was just too damned lazy.
I enjoy xmas, I really do (okay, maybe I don't) but I just get tired of all the crap after several weeks of "holiday" season.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-12-21 07:05:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If your tree could talk, it would say: "Now I know how Jesus felt. Please kill me."
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for this alone.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-12-20 22:52:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
JonnyX was killed yesterday when his hard drive exploded and he was buried underneath seven tons of untreated waste material he was planning to post next year.
In lieu of flowers, please donate here: http://216.220.97.17/
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-12-20 20:00:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-20 18:45:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't particularly think that we need another "Anti-Xmas rant", Andy Rooney.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-12-20 18:36:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If your tree could talk, it would say: "Now I know how Jesus felt. Please kill me."
--
A fucking gem.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-12-20 17:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Indo it's Mr. Garrison
and I enjoyed the tree bit.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-20 17:05:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"If your tree could talk, it would say: "Now I know how Jesus felt. Please kill me."
um... technically it's already dead - yet I still giggled.
fine work.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-12-20 16:48:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Bah, humbug!
(solid rant, though.)
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-12-20 16:07:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I can put up with all of the holiday crap except kids screaming about getting a particular thing from Santa like it's owed them.
Misbehaving little whelps get a lump of coal. In the face. From the business end of my CO2 fire extinguisher / blunderbuss.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-12-20 14:13:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by swine_powered_hate_machine (user info) at 2006-12-20 13:53:35 (#)
Ranking: -2
I suck.
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No argument here.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-12-20 14:06:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Do what I do.
Refuse to play.
No tree.
No gifts.
No fun.
Just drink it all away.
There's always festivus....
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-20 14:03:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ticklish_squirrel (user info) at 2006-12-20 14:00:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch...
I hear you on the dirt road thing - fucking Barbie roller skates here.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-12-20 13:58:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
1. Mr Harrison's christmas song "Merry Fucking Christmas" from the south park christmas soundtrack.
2. Blame your parents.
3. The Grinch rocks.
4. Who the fuck is Jesus?
5. How about "Merry Christmas and Die in a Fire"?
Submitted by swine_powered_hate_machine (user info) at 2006-12-20 13:53:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I suck.