Alien abduction proves Karma may fuck me becuase the new intern is stupid (814 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.37 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MyTeeOne <My_Tee_One.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-12-21 12:52:26 EST
I realized that alien abduction is proof that karma exists. Go with me on this.
See, you have to see it from the fishes' point of view. Imagine, if you will, you're a fish. You're swimming around, minding your own business, checking out the fish babes, when all of a sudden you see a worm or something equally as appetizing. You eat the worm because you're a fish and that's what you do. Well, in this scenario, you're jerked up into a strange new place where there is no air. Some giant mystery creature then removes a hook out of your mouth. Maybe then you're thrown into some tub with other fish. Maybe you're thrown back into the water. If you are, your friends will never believe what happened to you.
And that's what it's like to be abducted by an alien. You see something pretty, like a shiny light (or worm if you're the fish). You're jerked out of your environment into some place strange, like a spaceship (or boat). Strange creatures do weird things to you (like remove a hook from your mouth or probe your buttocks). Maybe they keep you. Maybe they throw you back. If they do return you, your friends will never believe your story.
Does that make aliens fisherman? Well maybe, I don't know. But let's look at who fishes - usually country people. And let's look at who usually gets abducted by aliens - usually country people also. In my mind, that's karma; karma working for the fish. The fisherman got what was coming to them which was the same experience the fish got.
So Karma exists. It exists for fish and if it exists for fish it must exists for everyone. A friend of mine asked me if I believed in happy endings and I told her I did. To expand on that answer though I think karma plays into it. If you are good (and happy), karma takes care of you. If you (or someone else) are bad, karma takes care of that too. Karma is tricky but I think if you can manage to see things from someone else's point of view, you'll get by.
The universe is a strange place. That brings me to today and my realization that karma is about to fuck me.
Things have actually been going really well for me. I recently moved and while the move ended up costing me more than I thought it would, the place rocks and I am very comfortable there. And my really cool improv group is rocking. We've done six shows already this month and have our own showcase lined up in January. Last weekend I went drinking dressed as Santa and several hot girls sat on my Yule Log. Basically, everything is going my way.
However, there is this new intern at work. She's pretty but unfortunately turned out to be dumb. This made me sad and so I decided to mess with her. I convinced her that all new girls at my work have to pass an initiation to be my friend and she was no exception. So far today she has:
-Gotten me coffee from Starbucks
-Picked up my bosses Christmas gift
-Used the stairs all day because she believes the elevator is broken (I told her it was)
-Made and cut 1,000 flyers for my improv group because she believes we (the company I work for) are doing PR for my show (which is only sort of true)
-Given me a five minute massage
Needless too say I'm having a lot of fun because my bosses are out today. But, I have to see this from the fishes' perspective. Is what I am doing to her mean? Will karma come back and bite me in the ass for this little prank? Or, does karma have a sense of humor? Will karma simply pay me back by giving me a similar experience? I feel there is only one way to really find out. This afternoon New Girl will need to do more silly things for my amusement and I'll see what Karma has to say about it.
The problem is I'm running out of ideas. What else should New Girl do for me? Suggestions?
Oh, and here is a picture of me as Santa.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-12 18:57:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This sucks.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-22 23:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-12-21 16:21:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Can of decompressed air BAHAHAHAHA I'll have to remember that one. How about being asked to fetch a bucket of steam?
**********
Never forget to send them to AutoZone for some blinker fluid.....
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-12-22 22:39:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-22 22:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I convinced her that all new girls at my work have to pass an initiation to be my friend and she was no exception."
Well there's your peace of mind, right there. She's obviously catering to your every need by choice. Then, you're still being a lying liar in some way. Liar.
When I first stated reading this I thought of that song "STOP!" from Sesame Street.
"Oh make believe that you are swimming in the deep blue sea and there's no one else around.."
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2006-12-22 16:12:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why didn't you use the Far Side comic with the frogs??
Submitted by RageMode (user info) at 2006-12-22 16:07:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
New job hazing is a common thing in most jobs, just to kind of get you into the group sometimes. Alot of people do it to test to see if you'll be cool, or if you'll freak out on them.
When I worked pouring concrete foundations and footings we used to ask the new guy if they new what the foot-throw on their hammer was, it usually went like this.
Me "Hey, that's a pretty nice hammer you got there. Do you know what the foot-throw is on it?
New Guy(Look of confusion) "What's that?"
Me "Here, let me see it real quick, and I'll show you how to see what the foot-throw is"
NG "Alright, here." *Hands over hammer*
Me *Throw hammer off as far as I can* "....Looks to be about a 57 foot-throw to me."
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-12-22 10:21:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you rad and Kabuto_N.
And Jeannee - I've always been evil, you've just been blinded by lust. ;)
Merry Christmas Uber!
Submitted by Kabuto_N (user info) at 2006-12-22 06:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was clever. Well done.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-12-22 05:57:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thats fucking brilliant
Submitted by mr-bee (user info) at 2006-12-22 05:09:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
When working as a painter and decorator, I got sent to find tartan paint. Figured it out straight off and went to the pub. That was a good day. The next day I got locked in the fucking porta-loo all day for being a smart arse. That was a bad day.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-12-21 21:29:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When did you get so evil?
I dig the Santa outfit. With both shovels.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-21 20:01:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i like you d-money
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-12-21 19:56:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I started my first office job i was one day told to order in a left-handed calculator. I am ashamed to say that I had picked up the phone and started dialling before i realised.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-12-21 18:03:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was but a teenage lass working at Piggly Wiggly grocery store (yes, I actually did work there), when there was nothing to do at the checkouts they'd send the new kids to "see all that salad dressing, how it's all separated? go down the line and shake it all up".
They did it.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-12-21 18:01:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG +2 FILENAME LOLZ
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-12-21 17:56:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Where would the fun in that be homer?
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2006-12-21 17:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
She should probably get you fired.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-12-21 17:26:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Rednecks are retards. Fish are retards. No one has even bee abducted by aliens. It's all attentionwhoring. Though this is usually the site to find people who really believe in crap like Karma or Alien abductions, I'd still like to point out the crapness.
+1 for an entertaining read, nonetheless.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-12-21 16:21:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can of decompressed air BAHAHAHAHA I'll have to remember that one. How about being asked to fetch a bucket of steam?
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-12-21 15:33:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-12-21 15:19:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
"No such force has ever been shown to exist."
Well, St Jimmy, What about the fish?
_____________
Well, it is common knowledge that most fish, are in fact, aliens themselves. Your example was nothing more than alien fish seeking revenge for their persecution by the rednecks. QED
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-12-21 15:19:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"No such force has ever been shown to exist."
Well, St Jimmy, What about the fish?
And that's funny Susie. I was once sent to find a can of decompressed air. That would be pretty much any empty can, but it took me awhile to figure that out.
And of course Scourge. It's what I do.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-12-21 14:53:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting theory on aliens/fishermen and the whole karma business.
I wouldn't worry about getting fired for hazing the new intern. That kind of stuff happens at my boyfriend's auto shop all the time. They send the new apprentices searching for concrete welders, transmission line stretchers, muffler bearings ("No no no, I need the METRIC ones") or convince them that if one of them yells in one end of a muffler, the person with their ear to the other end won't be able to hear it. It's all in good fun.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-21 14:46:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK HER POOOPCHUTE, DOUGY FRESH, DO IT NOW
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-12-21 14:34:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that sounds like sexual harrassment to me. Looks like a job for Jewtoast.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-12-21 14:27:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Give her some of your yule log.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-12-21 13:55:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Be not afraid, because Karma does not exist. Karma is defined as a force generated by your actions to which renders rewards/punishment for ethical/unethical behavior. No such force has ever been shown to exist. Karma is often confused with causation.
For example, if after a flood, you walked around a flooded out neighborhood yelling "Ha Ha Flood Insurance!", most would consider such action at least somewhat unethical. Instead of helping the flood victims, you're just making fun of them.
Now, if one of the flood victims gets mad at your tauntings and beats you up, some would say that's karma. It is really not though. That's just cause and effect. You make fun of the wrong person and that person beats you up for it. For Karma to exist, you punishment would have to not come from simple causation. For example, while you make fun of flood victims, your house gets blown away in a tornado. That would be an example of Karma, but there has never been any significant proof that such a force is a work.
Having said that, you should find out a few things. First, review your company's polices regarding such practices. Second, find out if the intern has a boyfriend/husband. Third, determine if the boyfriend/husband is significantly bigger than you. Learning these things will protect you from bad results of your terrible, terrible actions.
Submitted by Dieter (user info) at 2006-12-21 13:19:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sometimes someone has to take advantage of persons with that pathological yearning for acceptance, but one must observe the boundaries of company regulations and decorum. However, if one has a victim that they know will not rat them out, go forth and weasel some more labor out of her.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-12-21 13:08:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I already told the HR lady just to be safe. She had said it was wrong and I had to apologize...after I sent new girl to get HR lady coffee.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-12-21 13:04:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
was this presented as "hey you have to do this to be my friend but don't tell the company"? because if she mentions some of the things she's had to do karma may get you fired.
Submitted by swine_powered_hate_machine (user info) at 2006-12-21 13:01:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Intern, eh?
I got one idea but it involves a cigar and a soon-to-be soiled dress.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-12-21 13:00:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty rad, yah.
Submitted by fclo002 (user info) at 2006-12-21 12:54:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
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