My Perfect Day (508 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.66 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lucinda Periac <lucindaperiac.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-12-22 08:14:05 EST
My Perfect Day
I am close to tears. No really. I'm not joking, it's that bad. As someone piles yet another pile of photocopying to be done on my desk I have to swallow the words. But its not working this time, the tears are pushing them back up. Ok surely its ok to shout in these circumstances. I think it will stop the tears. Whatever I do I must not cry. That's it I can't hold it back any longer, the words are coming out now. I AM NOT YOUR PERSONAL PHOTOCOPYING SERVICE YOU LITTLE FUCK WIT! I'VE GOT AN OXFORD EDUCATION!
The poor guy looks terrified as he scuttles away. I already feel better, maybe today will be ok afterall. I reach for my coat. It occurs to me that this also might be the right time to let them know what I think of their crappy uniform, with the buttons that pop off when you're face to face with a client revealing your hot pink bra. Or the trousers that are so tight they can see your knicker line. I bet they like that, dirty old perves. Well if they want to see it so badly I'll show it to them.
I start to strip. The crabby old bitch sat by my desk lets out a yelp like a puppy in a head lock. I'm really fucking enjoying myself now. Pop - top button. Its just hit her in the eye, haha. Pop - next one. Now they can see my grotty greying old bra, ripped on the left cup, slightly too small so my right nipple is on show. I laugh gleefully. Pop - there goes another one. I'm starting to feel better than I have in years. Better than the day I was accepted at the Oxford University, better than when I graduated with 1st class honours, better than when I got my MA, and most of all better than when I took this shitty job.
I start on the pants. I gyrate in front of the old perve's office, I've caught him staring at my arse so many times, so let him get a good long look now, it's the last he'll be seeing of me.
I step out of the trouser legs, hold in my tummy, and hold my head up high. I collect my things and walk. I'm smiling like I haven't in a long time.
The air outside has a real December nip, its already going dark. Did it even get light today? I hug my coat around my semi-naked body and light a cigarrette as I start walking. Today I am invincible. I see the lights on in my bank branch ahead. May as well let those fuckers know what I think of them too. I step through the door and demand to see the bank manager.
He'll see me now. I lead the way into his office and sit in his over compensatingly masculine chair. He looks at me incredulously as I let my coat fall open. He's left the door ajar. Ha.
"This is just to let you know Mr Self Important Bank Manager, I have absolutely no intention of paying of the £18000 debt I have with your bank. Account number 51540319. Have a nice day, I know I will"
I stand up and shimmy past him. I see his mouth moving but I'm not hearing or caring about what he's saying. I'm far too deliriously happy now. I head straight for Prada in Selfridges and spend the last £600 I have in the world on the IT bag I've been lusting after for so long now. It feels good.
I get on the train. I haven't paid. The conductor asks me to get off at the next stop but I don't. I just sit and smile serenely, I can feel the joy in my cheeks. They think I'm mad. Haha, little do they know.
This is my stop. I step off and walk home. I live there alone since he left me for his best mate Kevin. I put the key in the lock and step inside the familiar hallway. I set my bag down on the kitchen table and pour myself a glass of red wine. There's his belt flung over the chair where he left it when he left me. I pick it up on my way to the bathroom. The shower rail looks sturdy enough, it should hold.
I sit on the edge of the bath, light a cigarette and glug at the delicious red. I feel so content right now. This bra might be old, but damn, its comfortable.
I wrap the belt with the buckle around my neck, but I don't fasten it, it'll be more effective this way. As my neck breaks, I'm thinking "What a fucking wonderful life."
User Reviews
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2006-12-23 16:49:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought this was pretty good. It moved along briskly and kept my interest.
Submitted by UberSavedMyLife (user info) at 2006-12-22 16:24:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you want some "constructive criticism"? fine.
The character was flat, we had no motivation to give a fuck what was happening to her, or why, nothing to identify with. Couple that with it being some half-emo fantasy about breaking free of your inhibitions and common sense
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alright fair enough godchicken, everything you say here can be used and in a positive way - when criticism is presented as something a writer can work with its absolutely acceptable and for that matter - welcome. But really "sweetcheeks"? what era did you emerge from....i hate being patronised, and if you think i can be scared off by a couple of dump reviews...keep watching this space.
oh and PS to who ever it was who referenced the oxford education - and questioned it being a shoe company??....i didn't have one of those (and please be more original than to hit that back with "i can tell")let me reiterate: this character is fictional...at the very least loosely based on people i know...please keep throwing those UBER-intelligent remarks my way (excuse the intentional pun) i love 'em
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-12-22 13:01:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 DIE! (From my parent's basement as that n00b loser so affectionately described it)
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-12-22 10:33:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Everything you ever wanted to know about rodyarask
User id: 28807
Registered on or around: 2006-09-28 20:09:21
# Messages posted: 7
# Reviews written: 40
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 87
# Hits: 2448
Average rating of all messages: 0.56
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The fuck do you know about me, n00b? you haven't been here but barely 3 months.
you want some "constructive criticism"? fine.
The character was flat, we had no motivation to give a fuck what was happening to her, or why, nothing to identify with. Couple that with it being some half-emo fantasy about breaking free of your inhibitions and common sense and it is a formula for:
-2 (don't bother)
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2006-12-22 10:20:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad.
Submitted by big_z_1980 (user info) at 2006-12-22 10:20:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thank god you killed yourself!
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2006-12-22 10:13:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
deserves a 1 or 0, but u get a 2 to even things out.
dont ever, ever, ever listen to Shlongy or GiodChicken.
this wasnt great, but it was not "orrible." Read some of the other crap on here and you will feel better. Also, majority of "-2die" will come from people who post pictures of naked midgets, but cant write for shit. Not to mention, there is a large number of people who live in the basement with their parents and if you were them, you WOULD kill yourself. Giving someone a -2 just for shits and giggles is their only way to feel better than a turd floating in the toilet. They are not to be taken seriously.
Oxford a shoe company? You've got to be kidding me.
If you do actually want "constructive" criticism, this is not the place. It has been taken over by assholes. There is great writing on here, sometimes, but a few people always tend to put a dent in something nice.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-12-22 10:10:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
SHITTY ALTER ALERT!
SHITTY ALTER ALERT!
SHITTY ALTER ALERT!
SHITTY ALTER ALERT!
SHITTY ALTER ALERT!
SHITTY ALTER ALERT!
SHITTY ALTER ALERT!
SHITTY ALTER ALERT!
SHITTY ALTER ALERT!
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-12-22 09:56:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by UberSavedMyLife (user info) at 2006-12-22 08:23:03 (#)
Ranking: 0
may i just point out that all of this "constructive" criticism is just overwhelming...and there i was thinking there was some semblence of civility at uber
Everything you ever wanted to know about UberSavedMyLife
User id: 29649
Registered on or around: 2006-12-21 11:12:09
# Messages posted: 2
# Reviews written: 2
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 12
# Hits: 88
Average rating of all messages: -1.70
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Bwahahahaha oh have you got a LOT to learn..
run away, sweetcheeks. while you can.
Submitted by yhywstudios (user info) at 2006-12-22 09:40:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
horrible
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-22 08:47:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Sooooo, tell Shlongy all about your pussy and we'll take it from there.
Submitted by UberSavedMyLife (user info) at 2006-12-22 08:36:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
in my defence, this character is fictional, its not me...i am not nor have i ever been suicidal, sorry to disappoint you
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2006-12-22 08:31:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
It has to be done -2die
no offence, honest..............
Schhhwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwing mo fo
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-12-22 08:30:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
uber is going to make you suicide
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-22 08:24:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
So lemme get this straight: You speak of an Oxford education (oxford? Isn't that a style of shoe?),
you harp about what is expected of you in a job YOU accepted and presumably agreed to do, you renege on a bank loan YOU agreed to, and your inept solution is suicide?
Remind me of the old saw about sending a fool to college, something about an educated fool.
One post per day, n00b.