The Miracle of Life and Christmas (461 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Malka (View user info) at 2006-12-25 04:28:10 EST
A few weeks ago, I discovered tiny ants thriving in our bathroom environment. It's disturbing to find that, after sweeping the floor and getting ready to dispose of the dirt, half of the debris one has collected starts running in the opposite direction of the dustpan. So, I decided to get an ant trap.
And then... I put it off. Shopping bores me.
Tonight's Christmas gag gift exchange awakened in me a finer appreciation of the beauty of life and the true meaning of the holiday season. The new ant farm I share with my fiance allows us to nurture those innocent creatures for whom I'd premeditated a brutal extermination. In under two hours we've harvested 10 pioneers for this brave new colony, and we rejoice in the thought that others will soon join.
The pamplet alone was enough to sell us on the idea of capturing helpless bugs in a floor-illuminated, neon blue artificial habitat. This crazy thing looks like some kind of fucked up avaunt gard music concert. For careful observation, the magnifying glasses are spectacular. But our hearts are more deeply touched by feeling like omnipotent gods with the capability of freaking the fuck out of these stupid insects while we rattlle the farm and shriek, "Who's your daddy now, bitches!" What really inspires awe for the hardiness of these ants is that, so far, we've only managed to kill three of them.
Well, one of them isn't exactly dead yet. This situation really messes with the others, who are all in a frenzy over the poor bastard. Cool. I think we'll play the god hand and pluck him out with a cotton swab. That'll give those other little shits something to talk about. Oh look, how cute. They're now trying to get out of that impossibly slender crevice to gain their freedom. Honey, give 'em a shake, will ya?
Yep, this is what Christmas is all about. The drama of burgeoning, teeming, frothing life played out against a backdrop of artificiality, a lot of frenzied activity, and passing out from a food coma or broken limbs. I hope your holiday is as cool as ours has been.
User Reviews
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2006-12-28 09:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
megalomaniac.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-12-28 09:01:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2006-12-28 02:10:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had an ant farm I made out of my old aquarium when I was 10. Before that I saw an ant carrying a whole bite of toast that I'd spat out on the porch, I couldn't believe it. And there were other ants riding on top of the toast- and the jelly on it made it way heavier.
My bio dad always used to tell me, Wisher, observe the ant. Like that was his catch-all for any problem. Now I kinda get it more.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-12-28 02:05:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes kids the ant farm... when your too lazy to use an etch a sketch but still want the fun of shaking it to start over.......
i saw one of those blue gel nasa ant farm thingys, i almost got one...
... you shoulda gotten the ones with the moveable platforms and gears and corkscrew stairs and stuff to really fuck with them
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-12-28 01:42:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed out loud.
Especially when you asked honey to give the ants a shake.
Do it again. Again!
And do it longer too.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-12-27 17:19:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-12-27 12:51:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Times
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-25 19:40:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a kind and entertaining turn of events.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-12-25 17:36:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
makes you the ant-i christ
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2006-12-25 14:14:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-12-25 12:37:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-12-25 11:56:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I felt horrible and laughed at the same time.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2006-12-25 08:12:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have to admit; I laughed at the punchline. Borderline +2 because of length.