Happy Isn't Pretty (469 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.4 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Cadrach (View user info) at 2006-12-28 09:14:49 EST
This is a true story that actually happened to me before I came into work this morning.
There I was, standing in the shower, thinking. What was I thinking? I was thinking, "Crap. Here I have this lovely mane. This lovely, full and luxurious beard. And yet, it is neither as soft nor as shiny as it could be. Whatever shall I do?"
It was at that moment that I spied my wife's Aussie 3-Minute Miracle ©™® conditioner sitting on the shelf and wallowing in its own filth. I think the cap design has a flaw, because it seems to be leaking a bit. (Note-to-self: Draft harshly worded letter to the Aussie 3-Minute Miracle ©™® people concerning cap design flaw.)
"Eureka!" I exclaimed with glee, much like my predecessor Galileo Galilee is rumored to have shrieked twenty years earlier, when, whilst in the bath, he uncovered the concept of displaced peoples.
"Eureka! Hoover! Orek and Dyson!" I continued, "I shall use this wondrous product to condition my full and luxurious beard so that it might reach its utmost potential re: softness and shininess!"
But lo . . .
"Alak! Alas! Swamp-ass and Sassafras!" I lamented lamentably. "This miraculous ©™® conditioning product requires three entire minutes to transformulate my fibrous follicles! Whatever shall I do?"
So, pondering the interminable stretch of eternity yawning before me, I did what you would have done in my situation. I had a quick wank. I thought about <name-drop> the whole time.
The other two minutes I just sort of stood there, counting to sixty, twice. Like this, "One-Mississippi, Two-Mississippi, Three-Mississippi, etc."
I did it that way because I wanted to make sure that I was conditioning for the entire three minutes because I really wanted my beard to be as soft and shiny as it could be.
So then the three minutes were up and I rinsed the Aussie 3-Minute Miracle ©™® conditioner out of my beard.
And then I got out of the shower, blow-dried my softly and shinily luxurious beard, (and the mirror - It always gets so foggy when I shower!) and after inspecting my handiwork I must say that, yes, my beard really is softer and shinier than it was before I got into the shower this morning.
True. Story.
I just wanted to share that with you. You may now go about your regularly scheduled activities.
User Reviews
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-01-08 08:15:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i trimmed my beard just the other day
what i lost in Wise Sage Cudos, i have gained in Virile Bull Magnentisimsm
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-29 15:17:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth reading (+0)
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-12-28 23:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
is that mac fleetwood?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-12-28 15:49:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-12-28 14:31:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2006-12-28 09:34:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
You could have brushed your teeth in the shower. That's what I do.
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funny - so do I
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-12-28 12:07:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2006-12-28 11:25:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SHITTY ALTER ALERT!
Who are you Homer42? Who are you REALLY?
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2006-12-28 10:32:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2006-12-28 09:37:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's not a beard, more like a facial-hair curtain. I fear that man's neck may rot from lack of fresh air and sun light.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-28 09:37:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good luck getting the signature Aussie stench out of your beard. I used that shampoo in high school and after thousands of shampoos I can still smell it faintly.
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2006-12-28 09:34:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You could have brushed your teeth in the shower. That's what I do.
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2006-12-28 09:27:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OOOohhh. Burn. Good one Shlong.
How about this one?
"I know you are but what am I?"
Ball's in your court now genius.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-28 09:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't know you were gay.
I do now.