Greetings and... (542 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: -1.5 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <thedexdimension.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-12-28 17:10:12 EST
Salutations!
I thought I'd get away with not introducing myself. Ok, that's not true. I honestly didn't know I needed to. I wasn't getting the feeling that this site was all touchy feely and everybody needed to know my name, or was always glad that I came. It's obvious I was wrong. Alot of you feel like family to me already. A few of you are filled with so much spit and vinegar I'd swear you must be my older sister. She put me in a refrigerator box when I was 5 and tipped it up. For the life of me I couldn't tip it back over to get out. Then she started to throw all the packing crap the fridge came with back into the box. I could hear her and her friends cackling all around the box. They were kicking the box. They wouldn't stop!! I tried to punch my way out but all that did was excite them further. Anyways I forgave her for that. After all she's family. She punched me in the nose once too. I forgave her. She sprayed windex in my eyes. Of course, you guessed it, I forgave her. I'll admit I've done some pretty nasty things back, but never as revenge. The opportunities just sort of presented themselves. When I was 7 and she was 10 I stabbed her in the ass with a pencil as she was coming out of the bathroom. Our mom took my sobbing, shrieking sister into the bedroom, laid her down and proceeded to pick the graphite out of her ass with a pair of tweezers. She never forgot that day. A couple of years later she paid our little brother (only 3 at the time) with chocolate to wait until I was on the phone with a friend of mine, and then skewer my foot with a big steel pair of scissors. The phone call went a little like this...
"Hey Craig what did you get for Christmas!?"
"Oh man! I got Skeletor and He-Man, the battle damage armor ones, and I got..."
thhhhud
"What was that? Oh well, so anyways I also got ..."
"I gotta go...sciss...scissors. In my foot."
"Fine then. Don't call me again. Ever! Dick!"
click
I've got the scars to prove it too. So yeah. Nice to meet you...sisters.
User Reviews
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-01-07 20:54:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
IM ASHAMED YER GREAT GRAMPA DIDNT DIE OF DA BUT CANCER BEFORE HE CONCIEVED YER GRANDPAW
GO BEARS WOO!!!
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2006-12-28 21:20:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're just all mad that I care for you so much. Cunts.
Submitted by docker (user info) at 2006-12-28 20:08:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've concluded that you are shit at writting, and should forever leave this hallowed site.
kthxbi
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-12-28 19:06:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i bet you eat your own boogers
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2006-12-28 18:40:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-12-28 18:30:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"The Shit Song"
(MaryK)
When I was a younger gal I had some different pleasures
I was trying all the time to do the rumpy-bump
Now I'm middle-aged and have a calmer form of leisure
It is quite enjoyable to simply take a dump.
Take a dump, take a shit, take a crap and finally fart
Lay a log, make a pile, Hershey's Kisses work of art
Early in the morning is my favorite time of day
When I read the morning paper and flush my cares away!
Now every single morning as I take up my position
They crowd around the bathroom door and I say, "Wait a bit."
But the pleading at the door's becoming more insistent,
I holler, "Go away-- I'm only trying to take a shit!"
Take a shit, take a crap, take a dump... (etc.)
Sometimes there's a problem and I can't go in the morning
Maybe I stayed up too late and should've had a nap
Days like that I suddenly may get an urgent warning:
Better find a bathroom quick so I can take a crap!
Take a crap, take a dump, take a shit.. (etc.)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-28 17:49:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Simsalabim, furburger!
Greetings and salutations, dipshit!
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-12-28 17:21:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
SALUTATIONS!111!1! OMG WTF LOL
I THOUGHT ID G3T AWAY WIT NOT INTRODUCNG MYSALF!111!11!! OK TAHTS NOT TRUE!1!!1!!! WTF LOL I HONESTLEY DIDNT KNOW I NEDED 2!!11! WTF LOL I WASNT GETNG DA FELNG TAHT THES SIET WAS AL 2UCHY FELEY AND EV3RYBODY NEDED 2 KNOW MAH NM3 OR WAS ALWAYS GLAD TAHT I CMA!1111!!1! OMG ITS OBVIOS I WAS WRONG!!!!11 OMG WTF LOL ALOT OF U FEL LIEK FMILEY 2 M3 ALREADY!111111!! OMG LOL A FAW OF U R FILED WIT SO MUCH SPIT AND VIENGAR ID SWAAR U MUST B MAH OLDAR SISTER!111!! OMG LOL SHE PUT M3 IN A RAFRIEGRA2R BOX WHEN I WAS 5 AND TIPAD IT UP!11!! OMG WTF FOR TEH LIEF OF M3 I CUDNT TIP IT BAK OV3R 2 GET OUT!!11!!1 OMG WTF THEN SHE STARTAD 2 THROW AL TEH PAKNG CRAP TEH FRIDG3 CME WIT BAK IN2 TEH BOX!111111 WTF I CUD HEAR HAR AND H3R FREINDS CAKLNG AL AROUND TEH BOX!1!!! WTF LOL THAY WAR3 KIKNG DA BOX!111!1!! OMG THEY WUDNT S2P!!1!111!11! OMG LOL I TREID 2 PUNCH MAH WAY OUT BUT AL TAHT DID WAS EXCIET THEM FURTH3R!!11! ANYWAYS I FORGAEV HER FOR TAHT!11!!11! WTF AFTER AL SHES FMILEY!!!1!! OMG WTF LOL SHE PUNCHED M3 IN TEH NOSE ONCE 2!!111 WTF LOL I FORGAEV HER!1111!1 WTF SHE SPRAEYD WIND3X IN MAH EY3S!1!!11!1 OMG WTF LOL OF COURSA U GU3SED IT I FORGAEV HER!11!11! OMG WTF IL ADMIT IVA DON3 SOM3 PRETY NASTY THNGS BAK BUT NAV3R AS REVENGE!1!1! OMG TEH OPORTUNITEIS JUST SORT OF PRESENT3D THAMSALVAS!!!!! OMG WHEN I WAS 7 AND SHA WAS 10 I STABED H3R IN TEH AS WIT A PENCIL AS SHE WAS COMNG OUT OF DA BATHROM!!11!1!!1 WTF OUR MOM 2K MAH SOBNG SHREIKNG SIST3R IN2 TEH BDROM LADE HER DOWN AND PROCED3D 2 PIK DA GRAPHIET OUT OF HAR AS WIT A PARE OF TWEZERS!!!1!1 LOL SHE NAV3R FORGOT TAHT DAY!!11!1 OMG WTF A COUPLE OF YEARS L8R SHE PADE OUR LITL3 BROTH3R (ONLEY 3 AT TEH TIEM) WIT CHOCOLAET 2 WATE UNTIL I WAS ON TEH PHONE WIT A FREIND OF MIEN AND TH3N SKEWAR MAH FOT WIT A BIG STEL PARE OF SCISORS!111! DA PHONE CAL WANT A LITLE LIEK THIS.!!!1!11111!!1!!11!!
H3Y CRAGE WUT DID U GET FOR CHRISTMAS?1!!1!!??! WTF
O MAN!!!!1 LOL I GOT SKELE2R AND HA-MAN DA BATLE DMAEG ARMOR ONES AND I GOT.!!111!!!11!!!!1!1! OMG WTF LOL
THHUD WUT WAS TAHT?!?!!!!? LOL O WEL SO ANYWAYS I ALSO GOT .!!!1!!!1!!1!!!!!11!1! LOL
I G2G!!11!111111!!1111!1!11 OMG LOL IN MAH FOT!!!!!!! OMG
FIEN TH3N!111! WTF DONT CAL MA AGANE!1!!!111! OMG WTF LOL EVER!11!1!11 OMG DIK!!11!! OMG WTF
CLIK
IV3 GOT TEH SCARS 2 PROV3 IT 2!1!!! OMG LOL SO Y3AH!11!1!!1 WTF LOL NIEC 2 MET U!1!1111!!1!1!11!! WTF
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-28 17:21:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Eet mor dik.
Submitted by IntangibleHands (user info) at 2006-12-28 17:19:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Please die.