Hanging Saddam, Peace in the Middle East and How Not to Insult an Alien Rapist from Outer Space (1337 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.26 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by shitfuck (View user info) at 2006-12-29 13:46:21 EST
After what happened lastnight, I've come to my senses over this whole Saddam Execution business.
You could say I saw the light, if the light is a lighter sparking up the three gram head banger of a doobie I smoked before watching an unending stream of US media reports and past presentations of PNAC's 'How to Completely Fuck Up the Middle East and Get Away With It for Dummies' series written by Donald Rumsfield's left testicle. It's true--I've changed my mind over everything--killing Saddam is a crucial event necessary to winning the war on terror.
Look at the facts:
a.) If you take a rabbit and tie a string around its leg, then take the other end of the string and attatch it to the pin in a hand grenade when that rabbit runs it will blow itself up.
2.) Back in 1653, a young schoolgirl by the name of Maudrie spilt milk on her favourite wooden horse. She was spanked across the cheek and the issue was resolved.
and finally:
a.) 3000 men and women have given their lives to hang a man that had no part in the 9/11 'accident', or as Comrade Bush likes to call it 'the breastest dang day of my life.'
All in all it seems pretty dang fair to me.
The three thousand kids that got banged up irreparably probably would have grown up to be doctors and Nobel award winning scientists--some of them probably would have cured cancer, ended starvation and cleaned up the world's air and water supply. It might be a stretch of my imagination here, but I'm willing to bet that some of three thousand Yankee Songbirds of Erectile Freedom would have gone on to have great families where they taught their children to love and respect their planet and to be honest in every facet of human life.
And who really needs that shit?
Think it over--I know you'll see it my way soon enough. Jesus told me so right before sorting a line of coke as thick as a baby's arm and sucker punching my dog Jake.
For your protection, and the continuation of Freedom (also known as: steady import of cheap consumer goods from even cheaper countries), watching Saddam dangle from a Hangman's Knot, shitting his pants, ranks as Numero Uno. His ass is the icing on the Terrorist Pie, and if you really stop and think about it--when was the last time you had three thousand uniformed patriots get blowed up just so you could suck on a slice of sweet ass pie?
I think Vietnam might qualify, if it does though we have to consider that that slice of ass pie is way past its 25 year expiry date and probably shouldn't be consumed by anyone other than retarded children and the elderly whom we treasure.
Okay, okay, I can see you're still fretting over the whole 'truthiness' issue. Sure--the War in Iraq probably wasn't a good idea, and it might give certain pseudo-intellectual types the ammunition they need to shed light on destructive American Imperialism--which is obviously a myth, a conspiracy theory loosely strung together by long hair buddha kissers and lesbian puppy mill owners. Sure--killing kids and dropping million dollar bombs all over the fucking place might not seem like an invitation for the rest of the world to put down it's own nuclear ambitions, and lastly--yeah, faulty intelligence and sparkle covered purchase invoices for aluminium tubes more often then not, are not indicators of imminent dirty bomb attacks.
But none of that truly matters. Saddam is a few days away from shitting his own pants in a room full of highly trained international observers--and if you don't see the humour in that, then there's no real justice left in the world. (I had to stop here for a few minutes and cry).
(Crying done, mascara reapplied)
Speaking of tears, there's a new Healthy Living Boutique offering botox shots to the brain--that's right, all the effects of a paralyzing brain freeze without the stingy cold. For the less fortunate they're even offering a 'needle exchange' program where you inject the doctor with whatever cocktail you've been shooting into your addict arm, and he stabs you in the eye with botox before bending an overpaid, non-union nurse over the counter and impregnating her. Offer ends this Sunday.
Some more facts:
2.) The human brain weighs about three tons when you include the weight of imagination.
c.) Most people in the Southern Hemisphere don't give a flying fuck about Norway.
!.0 Eight times out of three a Republican government WILL bomb something innocent and beautiful.
So here it is--all laid out for you like some sort of rape victim, with tons of juicy facts and Bible Compliant sound bytes hogtied around the neck just tight enough to cause a blackout. What else could you need to see the ultimate truth? A mystical visionary quest where you imbibe handfuls of magic mushrooms and end up putting your head through the wall and passing out, dick in hand, drooling all over some dangerously exposed electrical wires?
And about lastnight...
There are three things you should consider when bedding an alien from outer space--keep in mind I had to learn them hard way, by reading the information package they left at my doorstep prior to my prearranged kidnapping.
One: when travelling through the 8th dimension you might notice your ejaculate takes on a persona of its own--if it asks you for the keys to the BMW comply with its request and then return to shape shifting like any good Mormon interstellar time traveller would.
Three: On some planets the practice of 'Dutch Ovening' your future fuckfriend's father is like a handshake and a good solid slap on the old hetero back, so be sure to always carry a thick blanket.
Three: Enlightenmentarianists can be found throughout the known and unknown galaxy--the appropriate course of action to take when cornered by them is to remove your 'Street Sweeper' fully-automatic, hand-grenade launching sidearm and 're-edumacte' them, ruthlessly.
Oh, and the secret of life is this...
'When in doubt, rock it out.'
***
Works Cited. (All SFW)
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/294255/supermodels/
http://www.reallyfunnyclips.com/clips/weird/stoned-tv-news-reporter/
http://www.ifilm.com/video/2698479
http://www.ifilm.com/video/2800789
http://www.ifilm.com/video/2748349
http://www.ifilm.com/video/2807975
***
User Reviews
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2007-01-02 18:49:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't read enough of your posts. I wish I could meet more people like you all the time.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2007-01-02 17:42:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're a fucking freak stabby. Go find something else to hate.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2007-01-02 15:00:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
#1 most overrated person on this shithole corner of the internet.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2007-01-02 11:43:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-01-02 04:09:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You talk a lot of sense.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-01-01 02:13:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2006-12-29 22:32:53 (#)
I did not vote but that's because even though I protested my boss wouldn't let me leave work to vote. He said I should have voted in the morning before coming to work. Silly me, even though I had to get my daughter on the bus to school. I should have gotten up at 5:30 in the morning and completely re-arranged my schedule.
---------------------------------
That's illegal. Your employer is obligated, by law, to allow you time to vote. Another option is to have an absentee ballot sent to you through the mail. It's really easy, and you don't have to meet any criteria. If you think you won't be able to make it to the polling place, they come in really handy. Just make sure you mail it in time. Sure, they probably just throw them away, but at least you tried! Lord knows what happens to the rest of the votes anyway, with those touch-screen things and such. I don't trust any of that shit.
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2007-01-01 01:33:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're = your.
Mind not my slut-mug slip up,
hot shot.
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2007-01-01 01:24:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2006-12-31 20:22:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't talked to you in forever.
I miss that. I miss you.
<33
------------
Whoa. You're teenage fanbase rivals N'Syncs
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2007-01-01 00:03:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2006-12-31 20:22:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't talked to you in forever.
I miss that. I miss you.
<33
Submitted by Sheba (user info) at 2006-12-31 19:09:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2006-12-30 20:00:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-12-30 19:09:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're hot with mascara.
Submitted by yhywstudios (user info) at 2006-12-30 14:58:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-12-30 02:47:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2006-12-29 15:54:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-12-29 14:53:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
I like you shitfuck but they (service members) are not kids.
--------------------------------------------
The (service members) parents still think of them as kids. Especially the ones who get to bury their children. Just look at that poor woman Cindy Sheehan. She acts like a nut because her 24 year old non-child son was killed in Iraq. War shouldn't be necessary between two countries that have cell phone towers.
_____________________________________________
Sheehan was a nut LONG before her son was killed. She used her sons death as ammunition to push her agenda.
She is HIGHLY disrespected in the military community for what she has done.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-12-30 02:07:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2006-12-29 23:59:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for shitfuck!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-12-29 22:53:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh um yeah you really should have rearranged your schedule.
I can tell you are an entitlement hogging nanny state pussy by your attitude.
self-reliance dude.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-12-29 22:51:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you arent fat you fucking retard
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2006-12-29 22:32:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm fat. 6'2" 250lbs. I'll admit it. But I go to the gym 3 days a week and use my treadmill for more than just hanging my clothes on it. I did not vote but that's because even though I protested my boss wouldn't let me leave work to vote. He said I should have voted in the morning before coming to work. Silly me, even though I had to get my daughter on the bus to school. I should have gotten up at 5:30 in the morning and completely re-arranged my schedule. It doesn't matter. None of this matters. Our government is corrupt and the elections are all fixed anyways. In Diebold we trust. Stupid fuckers.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-12-29 21:31:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GMCrayon (user info) at 2006-12-29 21:13:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-29 20:16:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-29 18:37:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-29 18:23:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Right on, Robbie. You have personally met 'most' Americans, I am sure.
Therefore, you speak from experience. Right.
:-D
---
Actually my experience would suggest that American's are pretty fantastic, smart, funny individuals.
Yet over half of you mouth breathing idiots managed to waddle your way to the polls and twice elected a functional retard as president not to mention that 64.5 percent of adult Americans (about 127 million) are categorized as being overweight or obese - I feel rather safe in saying that MOST of you Americans qualify as either stupid or fat.
(http://www.obesity.org/subs/fastfacts/obesity_what2.shtml)
***********
The voting record may prove we are stooooopid, but it does not mean we are fat.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-29 18:37:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-29 18:23:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Right on, Robbie. You have personally met 'most' Americans, I am sure.
Therefore, you speak from experience. Right.
:-D
---
Actually my experience would suggest that American's are pretty fantastic, smart, funny individuals.
Yet over half of you mouth breathing idiots managed to waddle your way to the polls and twice elected a functional retard as president not to mention that 64.5 percent of adult Americans (about 127 million) are categorized as being overweight or obese - I feel rather safe in saying that MOST of you Americans qualify as either stupid or fat.
(http://www.obesity.org/subs/fastfacts/obesity_what2.shtml)
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-29 18:23:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-29 18:15:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-12-29 18:03:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
The three thousand kids that got banged up irreparably probably would have grown up to be doctors and Nobel award winning scientists--some of them probably would have cured cancer, ended starvation and cleaned up the world's air and water supply. It might be a stretch of my imagination here, but I'm willing to bet that some of three thousand Yankee Songbirds of Erectile Freedom would have gone on to have great families where they taught their children to love and respect their planet and to be honest in every facet of human life.
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Except for the Americans since we're all just stupid, fat, pieces of shit.
---
Well... not ALL.
I would say a good solid 'most'.
*********
Right on, Robbie. You have personally met 'most' Americans, I am sure.
Therefore, you speak from experience. Right.
:-D
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-29 18:15:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-12-29 18:03:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
The three thousand kids that got banged up irreparably probably would have grown up to be doctors and Nobel award winning scientists--some of them probably would have cured cancer, ended starvation and cleaned up the world's air and water supply. It might be a stretch of my imagination here, but I'm willing to bet that some of three thousand Yankee Songbirds of Erectile Freedom would have gone on to have great families where they taught their children to love and respect their planet and to be honest in every facet of human life.
------------
Except for the Americans since we're all just stupid, fat, pieces of shit.
---
Well... not ALL.
I would say a good solid 'most'.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-12-29 18:03:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The three thousand kids that got banged up irreparably probably would have grown up to be doctors and Nobel award winning scientists--some of them probably would have cured cancer, ended starvation and cleaned up the world's air and water supply. It might be a stretch of my imagination here, but I'm willing to bet that some of three thousand Yankee Songbirds of Erectile Freedom would have gone on to have great families where they taught their children to love and respect their planet and to be honest in every facet of human life.
------------
Except for the Americans since we're all just stupid, fat, pieces of shit.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-12-29 17:52:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-12-29 14:53:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
I like you shitfuck but they (service members) are not kids.
*******
That all depends on your perspective. To me, 18 to 24 years old
is just a kid. A kid in the prime of life.
Anyone's death is sad, even Saddam's.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-12-29 17:43:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, how was federal prison?
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2006-12-29 17:22:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, Hussein has cell phones banned under his rule, and there is now a monster cell phone industry flourishing in Iraq.
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He also banned satellite television but everybody over there has a dish. They keep it hidden in their burkhas. By the way, who's buying all the cellphones over there? The Shiites or the Sunnis? Or maybe neither cuz 150 of them die everyday. 30 days times 150 dead people equals a whole shitload of carcasses. I mean c'mon. That's alotta dead people, people! You know what's really growing over there? The mass grave industry.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-12-29 17:17:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You make me happy.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2006-12-29 16:45:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2006-12-29 15:54:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-12-29 14:53:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
I like you shitfuck but they (service members) are not kids.
--------------------------------------------
The (service members) parents still think of them as kids. Especially the ones who get to bury their children. Just look at that poor woman Cindy Sheehan. She acts like a nut because her 24 year old non-child son was killed in Iraq. War shouldn't be necessary between two countries that have cell phone towers.
----------
Actually, Hussein has cell phones banned under his rule, and there is now a monster cell phone industry flourishing in Iraq.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-12-29 15:55:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I sense that underneath all the rabbit/hand grenade, spanking schoolgirl, 8th dimension/ejaculation, dutch oven horseshit you might actually have something cogent to say about politics or Iraq. If so, it got kind of lost and diluted. Still, it was entertaining.
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2006-12-29 15:54:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-12-29 14:53:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
I like you shitfuck but they (service members) are not kids.
--------------------------------------------
The (service members) parents still think of them as kids. Especially the ones who get to bury their children. Just look at that poor woman Cindy Sheehan. She acts like a nut because her 24 year old non-child son was killed in Iraq. War shouldn't be necessary between two countries that have cell phone towers.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-12-29 15:01:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Good point.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-12-29 14:57:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
but this was funny
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-12-29 14:53:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I like you shitfuck but they (service members) are not kids.
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2006-12-29 14:46:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I spent Christmas at my father in-law's house. He's a Vietnam vet (got shot in the leg and still loves the army). His son, my brother in law, went to Iraq for 2 tours, he volunteered for a 3rd tour and they denied him. While we're there my wife asks her brother, "Do you really think we needed to go to war with Iraq? Don't you think Saddam was doing a pretty good job of keeping everybody in line over there, even if he was killing lots of innocent civilians?"
The room went completely silent. Her brother and her father just stared straight ahead fighting back the anger that was seething across their furrowed brows. Finally her brother turned and looked at me with this Army induced psychotic glazed look and told me to "take your wife home and fuck some sense into her before I do it myself."
Yes they live in a double-wide and yes we were watching Cops on TV.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-12-29 14:20:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hile, legend.
Adieu, 2006.
Submitted by SilentRenegade (user info) at 2006-12-29 14:10:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
So you're saying that those who choose not to serve are the scumballs of American Society....I agree with you, they come up with this bullshit...scumball.
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-12-29 14:09:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Said something about mascara, but I still think you're a dude.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-12-29 14:04:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THATS how you end the holidays.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-29 13:55:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Indeed.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-12-29 13:49:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for citing your sources.