No such thing as a fair trial (759 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.41 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Drew "ajanssen" Janssen (View user info) at 2007-01-03 12:50:24 EST
He shifted uncomfortably on the hard, creaky chair and tugged at his collar. The room seemed to be closing in on him and the stagnant air felt like it was slowly being sucked out. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes to avoid a panic attack.
The first day of trial he had carefully scrutinized every jury member while the District Attorney was droning on about circumstantial evidence and giving testimony about his foul ways. He had tried to pick out a pair of sympathetic eyes from the jury box but couldn't seem to find any. The only clue as to their intentions came from an old man shaking his head in disgust. Crusty bastard. The wifey had probably taken possession of his spine and balls years ago and left him a bitter shell of a canker sore. The situation was looking bleak.
Today the streaked blonde girl in seat #4 had made an amazing transformation. She had swapped out a baggy sweatshirt for a tight sundress and it was obvious she spent time in front of the mirror this morning putting on makeup rather than applying it with a shotgun like juror #7. He glanced at her quickly trying not to look like a pervert but she didn't seem to notice him. For the moment the pencil-dick detective on the stand had her undivided attention.
"....And that's when the defendant reached into the trunk and brandished Exhibit C."
A slight gasp echoed throughout the courtroom. She turned her attention to him and gave a "What the fuck were you thinking?" look.
Their eyes briefly met and he wished to God he had paid more attention in Algebra class. (% of cleavage showing + inches back is arched) / (total circumference of nipple) X (bra size - length of fake fingernails) - (sq root of total estimated weight to height ratio) + (seconds of eye contact) = total probability to access a hairless, user friendly vagina or possibility of acquittal of a first degree felony.
FUCK
She gave a little squirm in her seat turned her attention back to pencil-dick. The detective was obviously very pleased with himself and looking a little too smug for law enforcement.
He wondered what prison sex was like and fixed his gaze on the juror. He wanted to burn a picture of her into his mental Rolodex for future masturbation with a TDC sock.
She noticed and gave him the slightest smirk. He couldn't believe it. He looked next to him to make sure she wasn't smiling at his attorney but his attorney had his head ducked in his briefcase and was looking over point spreads for Bowl games. His attorney had circled Notre Dame +9. What a fucking loser.
He felt a suddenly renewed sense of hope. This floozie just might be his ticket out of this giant cluster-fuck. He spent the next hour flirting in every possible way he could think of. Eye contact, smiles, and jerking off motions with his hand. She seemed responsive. He would beat this piece of shit case yet. He stepped up his game and flirting and pulled every trick out of his bag. Just as he had worked his zipper half-way down the gavel came down and the judge called a lunch recess.
A bologna sandwich had never tasted so good. He now had hope and something to smile about.
As court reconvened he realized the room wasn't quite so drab after all and maybe life wasn't terrible. He turned back to the skeezer with renewed enthusiasm but he was suddenly interrupted by the gavel again followed by the judges shrill voice.
"It has come to my attention that the man charged with 8 counts of aggravated rape has been sexually harassing one of our jury members throughout the course of the day. BAILIFF! Remove this pervert from my courtroom immediately! Get him out of my sight!"
He turned to the floozie once again this time confused and angry. She was crying and shaking uncontrollably.
"But wait.." he tried to explain.
It was too late. The bailiff wrenched his arm behind his back and slammed his face into the table.
FUCK.
User Reviews
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-01-04 10:33:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-04 04:42:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-01-04 03:33:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-01-03 23:12:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-01-03 14:57:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
She was crying because the defendant was mistaken in thinking she was leading him on, and he almost whipped his todger out for her. Hence he's on trial for sex crimes.
Is that really hard to spot?
********
Todger is the coolest word in the language.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-01-03 22:23:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
convict
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-01-03 20:26:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-01-03 18:42:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-03 16:54:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-01-03 15:32:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
nothing about this was good.
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NEUTRALIZED, DIPSHIT
_________
WHO you TOTALLY NOOTRALIZED ME DUDER!!! and you used capitals too well done no way are you a faggot no way at all hang on maybe you are nah no way
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-03 16:54:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-01-03 15:32:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
nothing about this was good.
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NEUTRALIZED, DIPSHIT
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-01-03 15:51:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Too short.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-01-03 15:32:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
nothing about this was good.
Submitted by 501LatinVerbs (user info) at 2007-01-03 15:31:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-01-03 14:57:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She was crying because the defendant was mistaken in thinking she was leading him on, and he almost whipped his todger out for her. Hence he's on trial for sex crimes.
Is that really hard to spot?
Submitted by zajebisty (user info) at 2007-01-03 14:41:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nothin gets the ladies like the ol' "jerking off motions" with the hands. I can't count the times that helped me score in college.
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2007-01-03 14:35:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
seriously why was she crying?
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-01-03 14:34:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i think you've been watching wayy
too many TV trials.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-01-03 14:12:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking awesome!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:52:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is better than most of the stuff I read in all of 2006.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:48:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:43:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very nice indeed. high five.
Submitted by Kabuto_N (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:30:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:20:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why was she upset at the end?
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:20:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Once again youve drilled holes in my post and caused me to question my very existence. Thanks Rad. Thanks a fucking lot. Excuse me, I need a tissue.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:19:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
its just not fair
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:18:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
look, either way, the defendant should have been sucked off.
even if he had to force someone to do it.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:17:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hey its your story bud.
You tell me if the bailiff was a raging homosexual.
I'm thinking he more had daddy issues.
If he was a raging homo he'd rather just suck off the defendant.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:16:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Goddamit, I can never win an argument with you. What if the baliff was a raging homosexual and just wanted the judges approval?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:16:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:15:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bailiff even.
why was she crying at the end there.
I'm thinking she was upset the judge wasnt going to let her suck his dick.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:15:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:14:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
look, the judge didnt tell the dude to slam his face into the desk.
clearly the baliff was acting of his own volition.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:13:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A baliff is a natural extension of a judge's penis and therefore not at fault.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:11:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the baliff was clearly cockblocking more than the judge
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:11:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
More about a cock blocking judge but I think you get the general idea.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:10:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh for all the haters out there
TDC = Texas Department of Corrections.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:09:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was about how the chick was denied cock, right??
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:08:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no, you clearly misunderstand me
it was inappropriate for the guy not to give her what she wanted before she went to lunch and obviously became ill with something she ate.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:07:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Rad, since when is self pleasuring innapropriate?
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:06:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well done.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:04:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
but he doesn't, which further adds to the deliciousness of the irony of the title.
Clearly there was nothing wrong with the trial, per se, but rather the perception of the defendant.
"Oh, wait..."
as if any explanation would have helped justify his vileness.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:03:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I mean, the protag (antag), more anti-hero really; this guy HAS to know what hes doing is completely inappropriate.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-03 13:02:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just love how this piece captures the skewed egocentric view of the criminal mindset and how justice is served in a quick and violent manner at the end.
beautiful stuff.