Uber Rules Got Me To Thinking About Cowboys (1737 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.83 on 64 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lungfish (View user info) at 2007-01-04 02:08:54 EST
The quickest way to learn the rules is by breaking them. At least, it seems, when you're put through the fire learning the unwritten rules of subcultural groups such as Uber. Considering the Uber rules, and breaking them, got me to thinking about some of my many episodes spent with cowboy-types in the great outdoors, violating cowboy mores and expectations. Here are few things this n00b-on-the-range learned about cowboy culture back when:
1) To the cowboy, only 0.01 percent of all people in the world are fellow cowboys; the rest are hippies. Even the Queen is a hippie...and Ronald Reagan was a hippie. If you are reading this, you are a hippie. Cowboys don't use computers.
2) Cowboys don't necessarily dislike hippies. They just don't trust them. If a cowboy calls you a "goddamn hippie," like I was called by one Mr. Stutz, it doesn't mean he doesn't like you. It means he doesn't trust you, you goddamn hippie.
3) Cowboys do, however, dislike mama's boys. In the eyes of most cowboys, George W. Bush is, therefore, despised. Bill Clinton, on the other hand, was and is mistrusted, but not despised, as he is not a mama's boy. LBJ was the president closest to being a cowboy, but he was still a hippie. Really, cowboys don't care for politics very much.
4) A cowboy is scared of only one person. This person is his wife.
5) A real cowboy drinks and uses tobacco in some form, but not around his wife.
6) When it comes to beer, the cheaper the better. Natural Light, believe it or not, is a favorite. Budweiser and Coors are often seen at finer occasions, such as weddings or funerals.
7) A cowboy shall NOT drive on a dirt road without an open beer in his hand or between his legs. I must emphasize this point.
8) Cowboys don't drink wine. You probably knew this already. Surprisingly, though, many like brandy. Whiskey is, of course, a favorite. You know you've finally been accepted by a cowboy when he offers you a drink of his liquor. If he offers you a beer, that don't mean shit.
9) A cowboy may only cry in public when his horse dies. (I made this one up, but it's kinda romantic.)
10) A cowboy shall wear boots during every waking moment. They can be cowboy boots or work boots, so long as they're boots. Cowboys do not wear penny loafers, like I am wearing in my camwhore.
11) When camping, a cowboy sleeps in his boots.
12) Also when camping, it is now permissible to use a sleeping bag instead of saddle blankets. Even cowboys are open to change...if it makes sense.
13) Also when camping, tents generally are not used. Any tent used cannot be a hippie tent (that is, made of nylon or whatever they're made out of); it must be made of thick canvas.
14) When shitting outdoors, cowboys do not use toilet paper. Toilet paper, outside of the home, is for hippies. Sticks, leaves, and certain rocks work fine. A friend of mine says river cobbles work the best. I carry toilet paper. I'm a hippie.
15) Cowboys like Indians. Who knew? Most Indians are hippies, however, like everybody else, and are not to be trusted.
16) Cowboys don't eat pasta, and they have no idea how to cook it.
17) A lot of cowboys have seen UFOs, but they don't like to talk about them.
That's just a few. Pretty much true, in a general sense. Get to work. Goddamn hippies.
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-12-01 21:20:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is one of those things i vaguely remember reading and enjoying, but i never rated it.
Submitted by daddiesgurl01 (user info) at 2007-12-01 19:53:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry, it took a while, can't wait to see it on b@w. I will not be posting my hole online. Allah forbids it . . . or something like that
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-12-01 18:59:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too true, cowboys don't necessarily hate hippies, neither do rednecks for that matter. It's just an issue of trust.
Anyone not reared up within the town limits ain't to be trusted for a good while, if at all.
There are good reasons behind this, which I won't delve into at this point, but I have a feeling you already know about em.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-25 01:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cowboys never wear shorts. Ever.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-28 15:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I love blt and I'm going to have his babies.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-04-28 14:23:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-28 14:18:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whiskey_Jack's a hippy?
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yes. he is. and so are you. and so am i. let's go smoke a doobie.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-21 07:59:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-01-04 05:03:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
I still don't understand the silly ties cowboys wear though... "ooh, it's a formal shindig, Ah better wrap mah shoelaces round mah neck and glue a quarter to 'em, look real spiffy..."
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Your post made me smile, this made me laugh out loud.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2007-02-03 11:45:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-13 02:47:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You can put up four posts in 30 hours for all I care. Other people have.
Submitted by peacenik_in_hell (user info) at 2007-01-13 02:23:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh. first moment i actually laughed out loud from all the articles i've read tonite.
yeah, i wrote two pieces to put up, i know, i probably shouldn't have, but i don't really care. i just wanted to have two different sides of my writing shown.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-01-08 18:21:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-08 18:16:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. Has more than three words. Doesn't have stupid picture that looks like it was drawn with a crayon. Coherent. Congratulations better than 99.99999% of the shit on here.
___________
but you keep coming back for more, so who's the idiot?
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-08 18:16:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. Has more than three words. Doesn't have stupid picture that looks like it was drawn with a crayon. Coherent. Congratulations better than 99.99999% of the shit on here.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2007-01-05 09:52:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was good, but I don't know about the earlier calls for B@W
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-01-05 06:39:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Cowboys have seen a million faces, and rocked them all.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-01-05 06:31:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-01-04 23:02:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
understandable.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-04 22:56:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-01-04 22:54:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet. But wait!
No......it was nothing.
Carry on.
NO NO....I REMEMBER!!!
no.
no i don't. sorry everyone.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-01-04 22:44:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmmmmmmmmm...cowboys!
Submitted by swimmingbirdblue (user info) at 2007-01-04 20:26:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. My pops is a cowboy. Unfortunately I'm a bit of a hippie.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-01-04 18:13:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-04 16:01:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I dont get the whole Uber rules thing - shoulda just went right into your bit about cowboys
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-01-04 15:39:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cowboys are fuckin bosh
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-01-04 15:00:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-01-04 08:53:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
am i a cowboy if i exfoliate?
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Hehehehehehehehe.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-01-04 12:38:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cowboys like beans and franks.
the real kind.
not the beanie weeenies.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-01-04 12:35:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
Submitted by MouthSore (user info) at 2007-01-04 12:01:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by I_love_Kracka (user info) at 2007-01-04 10:46:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-01-04 07:41:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Stuff you clown, stuff you.
If you're not careful, this time next year I'll be living in your hood and forcing you to be friends with me.
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The moving part - that would be amazing! See it in your future?
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-04 10:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I laughed.
So cowboys are scared by their wives; what about their mothers? or even their wives mothers?
I like to use John Wayne paper when taking a shit out doors; you didn't need to know that but I thought I would let you know anyway.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-04 10:01:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-01-04 08:53:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
am i a cowboy if i exfoliate?
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Oh no, there's another name entirely for what that makes you.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-01-04 09:44:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-01-04 08:53:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
am i a cowboy if i exfoliate? ""
hahaa
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-04 09:33:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought about this some more and it's really more of a +1.5 rating.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-01-04 09:09:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't laugh that hard, but it was pretty good.
Better than some posts i've +1'd.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-04 09:04:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well, it beats Larry the Cable Guy...but this wasn't laugh-my-pants-off funny, either.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-01-04 08:53:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
am i a cowboy if i exfoliate?
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-01-04 08:47:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautyfull cultural insight in the deeper workings of forgotten heroes ..
Wish I was a cowboy , and not a hippy . Would save me a lot of work ..
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-04 08:34:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-01-04 07:55:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W, noob.
Do cowboys appreciate Hank Williams? Senior, that is.
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Definitely.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-04 08:23:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-04 05:09:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-04 02:26:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
Milanese tailor? Christ, that's funny.
Re: Keith Urban. Fuck. I forgot to mention the music. Cowboys hate all "country" music made after 1975. As do I. It's all hippie music after 1975. I know a cowboy that likes The Moody Blues.
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oh dear. lungfish you need to listen to The Pixies, You Am I and Metric. while you're at it a healthy smattering of anything with Chris Cornell except for that made-for-high-rotation song Audioslave did (good god I think it even had a brass section), Spiderbait, Sonic Youth and The Smiths will set you in good stead.
[this brief lesson on why lungfish listens to the eagles and justifies Bernie Leadon and Randy Meisner getting jack of it all was brought to you by D.R.-I-Know-What's-Good-Just-Suck-It-Up Incorporated. One year older, and still so wiser. thank you]
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Just for the record, I love the Pixies and have for years. I said I dislike all COUNTRY music after 1975. Audioslave is one of my current favorites. I can live without The Smiths. I'll have to check out Metric, since you've mentioned them before.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-01-04 08:03:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's also just a little gay, Briany.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-04 08:02:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
before anyone asks for one I want you to know I am a green eyed cowboy ready to ride home.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-01-04 08:00:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna cowboy!
Acctually no..........I just want a cowboy's hat.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-01-04 07:55:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W, noob.
Do cowboys appreciate Hank Williams? Senior, that is.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-01-04 07:47:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes it does.
Maybe I'll just be friends with him, and see you at the driving range occasionally...
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-04 07:43:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
christ that sounds gay.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-04 07:42:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
watch out, that happened to kracka and he can't escape my grasp
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-01-04 07:41:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stuff you clown, stuff you.
If you're not careful, this time next year I'll be living in your hood and forcing you to be friends with me.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-04 07:39:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking african
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-04 07:39:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I own a bolo tie fuck you phuzzy
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-04 07:26:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-01-04 05:03:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
I still don't understand the silly ties cowboys wear though... "ooh, it's a formal shindig, Ah better wrap mah shoelaces round mah neck and glue a quarter to 'em, look real spiffy..."
===
HAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-04 05:45:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cowboy baby
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-04 05:09:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-04 02:26:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
Milanese tailor? Christ, that's funny.
Re: Keith Urban. Fuck. I forgot to mention the music. Cowboys hate all "country" music made after 1975. As do I. It's all hippie music after 1975. I know a cowboy that likes The Moody Blues.
----------------------------------
oh dear. lungfish you need to listen to The Pixies, You Am I and Metric. while you're at it a healthy smattering of anything with Chris Cornell except for that made-for-high-rotation song Audioslave did (good god I think it even had a brass section), Spiderbait, Sonic Youth and The Smiths will set you in good stead.
[this brief lesson on why lungfish listens to the eagles and justifies Bernie Leadon and Randy Meisner getting jack of it all was brought to you by D.R.-I-Know-What's-Good-Just-Suck-It-Up Incorporated. One year older, and still so wiser. thank you]
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-01-04 05:04:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant stuff. Although it's a little tricky grasping the cowboy mythos from all the way over here.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-01-04 05:03:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still don't understand the silly ties cowboys wear though... "ooh, it's a formal shindig, Ah better wrap mah shoelaces round mah neck and glue a quarter to 'em, look real spiffy..."
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-01-04 04:30:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And what about doin the old "Heath Ledger and friend" swag tango? Nothin more cowboy than that.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-01-04 03:10:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uber has rules?
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2007-01-04 03:05:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Freakin awesome. Every point you made was beyond correct.
Also, I'd give you another +billion if I could for this turning out to be about actually cowboys and not the shitty football team.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-01-04 03:04:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me dream of being a cowboy. Alas, I'm a southern girl.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-04 03:01:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
love it
sont make B@W but love it
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-01-04 02:48:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W, ya fuckin hippie.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-01-04 02:37:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W material
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-01-04 02:31:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HIPPIE!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-04 02:26:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Milanese tailor? Christ, that's funny.
Re: Keith Urban. Fuck. I forgot to mention the music. Cowboys hate all "country" music made after 1975. As do I. It's all hippie music after 1975. I know a cowboy that likes The Moody Blues.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-04 02:21:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's a cowboys slant on someone like keith urban then? I don't think keith urban particularly cares for cowboys, more just uses them to make money, like redskies' Milanese tailor. a pretend friend.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2007-01-04 02:18:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W.
I laughed, well done.