Five Happy Things (1084 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.95 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2007-01-05 08:14:56 EST
I walked into my psychiatrists' office and sat down on the wide backed leather chair set in front of his desk. He said hello to me but didn't look up from the note he was scribbling. Is it some compulsion for these people or do they actually write useful stuff down? I always think this when I walk in; probably because I'm a twat but more just to fill in the time before he looks up over his little glasses like some teacher from my youth.
I have asked him, in a previous session, why he doesn't have a sofa like you see in the movies and he spent the next hour interrogating me about how much I believe from movies. It was terrible I came out with my mind scrambled and dreams dashed because he told me that Bruce Willis wasn't really the saviour of mankind.
Anyway on this particular day he finally looked up took a deep breath and interlaced his fingers and put his elbows on the desk.
Dr: "So Drogo how are you today."
(What a fucking stupid question to ask a depressive, so they say, I mean what does he expect me to say? The world is wonderful and I jumped out of bed gazelle like to embrace all its wonders; chump.)
Me: "Okay I guess, you?"
Dr: "We're not here to talk about me Drogo. You don't sound too sure about how you feel why is that?"
Me: "I meant it in a polite way I didn't mean that I wanted to actually know or talk about you. It's just one of those greetings, I say it to everyone I don't really want them to answer it. As for the feeling thing I am fine; I know I'm fine no guess about it."
Dr: "Why do you ask questions that you don't want to hear an answer too? Is it that you don't want them to respond with happy stories that would make you feel low or out of touch as you can't respond in kind?"
(What the fuck? I normally feel fine before I go in and see him; but come out feeling like I have had what little I consider to be my brain scrambled.)
Me: "Sorry doc but could we back up a bit? Maybe if I walk out and come back in it would help?"
Dr: "That would be running away from the problem Drogo; and we don't want that. I am trying to help you face things rather than running away from them. So take a deep breath and close your eyes and tell me why you ask how people are but don't listen to the response."
(Good O, the great close my eyes line. I wonder sometimes if he has put me into a hypnotic state and violated me; I didn't mention it to him as he would probably grill me for weeks about that one.)
Me: "Okay. I don't listen to the response because I don't care about the people I'm asking most of the time. I say it to so many people at work and in pubs that I really can't be bothered with what they say. It's just a polite greeting. I listen to the response when it's someone I like."
Dr: "Do you like me Drogo?"
(Oh shit that's a toughie, actually it isn't tough at all I know exactly what I think of him and it involves a corkscrew up his nose.)
Me: "Of......c...c..ourse I do doc. You are helping me so I like you.........a lot."
(Maybe that was a bit much but he caught me off guard.)
Dr: "Hmm really. So if I had answered your question with how I was actually doing you would have listened?"
(Nope not a hope in hell you boring git.)
Me: "Of course I would; I bet it would have been fascinating."
Dr: "Yes well; back to your drinking problem. You say you spend a lot of times in pubs."
(What? Where did that come from? I never said that, did I?)
Me: "Sorry I don't know what you mean I don't have a drink problem. I like a drink but no problem with it; where did you get that from?"
Dr: "You said, and I quote, 'I say it to so many people at work and in pubs' which implies that you meet a lot of people in pubs because you spend a lot of time in them because you have a drinking problem."
Me: "Sorry mate you've lost me. I don't have a drinking problem and never have. I do go out to pubs a lot with friends but that's it; I don't even drink at home."
Dr: "Okay maybe you aren't ready to talk about it yet I will make a note of it for a later session."
Me: "But I don..."
Dr: "You just called me mate Drogo; is that how you see me? Do you see me as a friend?"
(I am seriously tempted to take your pen and pad and stuff it up your fucking arse.)
Me: "Well not really doc it's another turn of phrase. Nothing meant by it. I mean I like you and I think you are great for helping me but I wouldn't want to go out for a beer with you. If you know what I mean?"
Dr: "Why is that? And why would we have to go out for a beer?"
(Oh my good god I'm actually in the twilight zone.)
Me: "I'm sorry doc I guess I'm not really thinking today, I didn't sleep to well last night."
(Oh shit shit shit I shouldn't have said that).
Dr: "Really? Why didn't you sleep well? Were you feeling anxious?"
Me: "No reason just sometimes I don't sleep; I think I will change my pillow because it's very old and I'm sure that's the problem."
Dr: "Okay Drogo time is nearly up. I have to say that you have worried me today but we will resolve that next time. In the mean time I have a little something I want you to do until the next session."
(Woohoo nearly out of here.)
Me: "Hit me mate."
(I just said that to watch him shiver with restrained rage; but nothing the man's a freak.)
Dr: "I want you to think of 5 things everyday that will make you happy and do them. Write them down the night before and make sure that you do them the next day."
Me: "Okay will do see you next week doc."
Dr: "Wait; there are rule to this."
(Oh bugger there had to be a catch.)
Dr: "Everyday you have to think of 5 different things to do. So you cannot have the same 'Happy' thing on more than one day."
(Well that throws out the 5 wanks a day idea straight away; bastard.)
Me: "Hang on a moment. I have to think of 5 different things each day that make me happy and then carry them out? You do know I'm depressed doc? What if making me happy consisted of me cutting myself?"
Dr: "You aren't a suicidal Drogo I know that and so do you. You have told me of your aversion to pain. Yes I want you to carry out 5 different things every day write them down and bring it with you next week. If you do one thing you cannot do it again for the rest of the week. Goodbye."
Me: "Bu....."
Dr: "See you next week Drogo."
Then he looks down at his desk and starts scribbling again.
That little fucker is so close to an accident it's unreal. Do you know how hard it is to think of 5 different things everyday that makes you happy? Not being able to repeat one thing at all?
It sucks big time.
I have decided on a few things though:
1) When I masturbate over the next week, no I don't mean that I am going to masturbate over the fact that it is the next week; I mean oh fuck it. The point is I will not be happy when I do it.
2) I'm not going to be happy about drinking either.
3) Luckily Uber doesn't make me happy.
4) I will not be turning up for next week's session; because that's going to make me so very fucking HAPPY.
User Reviews
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-05-29 16:49:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-23 03:59:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your psychiatrist hates you.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-01-25 10:59:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-01-07 13:20:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-01-05 16:19:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great story...
Terrible doctor. Poor patient.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-01-05 16:11:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post.
The picture is a masked woman with a shaven head liftening her legs up as a pulpy morass of afterbirth and blood passes out of her spike-lined vulva.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2007-01-05 16:03:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
when i was... 14 i had a 'therapist.' mommys idea. i wanted to see what would get a rise out of him. i told him i was snorting painkillers (which was true, but i put in a context where he thought it was bullshit). he said 'huh, my mom was on those for a while.' i mentioned that some of my friends smoked pot (also true, obviously) and that i was going to terminate my sessions because they werent helpful. he told my mom that i was smoking marijuana on a regular basis, to the degree where she should be concerned about it.
aftermath- i split my knuckles on the wall in my house being angry at him
i kept taking painkillers and became mildly dependent for a while
my parents dont trust me enough to let me use the bathroom in peace, though they
DID allow me to galavant off to spain for 5 months. go figure.
psychiatry, psychology, therapy... all bullshit. i hate it.
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2007-01-05 15:56:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The picture- It's a woman who's uterus is glowing from the overwhelming power of the supermanlike fetus within.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-01-05 15:49:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-05 15:38:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, you gotta watch what you say to shrinks - one time I smarted off to a shrink that I wanted to be a Las Vegas showgirl when I 'grew up' - she then preceded to demonstrate to me that indeed, I really _did_ want to be a Las Vegas showgirl.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-05 13:08:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you for that Captain Thorns. I am off to do a happy thing. Then I'm off to the pub to feel miserable.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-05 12:50:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, to answer your question in the first paragraph: it's about a 50/50 split on the mental health professionals as to whether they're writing something useful or just amusing themselves.
From my experience working in the field, it's usually the fresh-out-of-school, eager-to-help ones that actually take notes of meaning. The old, embittered seasoned farts that should have already retired are typically most guilty of meaningless chicken scratch.
"Captain Thorns, Ph.Uber, NCC"
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2007-01-05 12:03:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-01-05 11:32:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There's a whole bunch of good posts today.... and this is definitely another.
Good job!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-05 11:21:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-01-05 10:11:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I will never look at a clown the same way
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-05 09:58:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
By the way, the picture is an angry and very scarey clown.
--
I hate clowns, not because they scare me but because I have always thought of them as pathetic old men who should know better. Slap stick just aint my thing I guess.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-01-05 09:58:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-05 09:57:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-05 09:51:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
inkblot goatse
}0{
Definately the Winner, you have won the prize of a one way ticket to a secure installation of your choice.
Happy New Year
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-01-05 09:52:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That little fucker is so close to an accident it's unreal.
Mwahahahahha
Ribean positively exploded from my mouth!
Your posts make me warm and fuzzy, keep writing them.
By the way, the picture is an angry and very scarey clown.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-05 09:51:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
inkblot goatse
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2007-01-05 09:36:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A few fuck-ups here and there, but a decent story nonetheless.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-05 09:29:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your doctor sounds like a fucking asshole. He has no vested interest in making you feel better either - it's called job security and it sounds like he's doing a good job of that.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-05 09:24:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I actually found this picture on a site that was some womans blog. Aparently she went to a party where the theme was this picture. SO you thought what it meant to you then dressed up like it.
Sounds like an idea that I'm going to try.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-01-05 09:20:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
or maybe it's just twins.
i need to flip the monitor upside down.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-01-05 09:19:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pregnant woman with a crab claw baby!!!
am i right?
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-01-05 09:16:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats clearly an insect with the body of a woman with a vagina covered by the mask of The Marquis from Guy Davis' comic of the same name.
I need help.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-05 09:04:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95615
link whorage
www.ubersite.com/m/95615
I have no idea which one would work... so I did both, they're both the same link....damn.
This was very funny.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-05 08:58:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: "No reason just sometimes I don't sleep; I think I will change my pillow because it's very old and I'm sure that's the problem."
---------
Hahahahaha. in light of your last post.
I enjoyed.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-05 08:48:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-05 08:24:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
its clearly the villian thingy from dark crystle with a phoenix in the middle.
--
For some reason I was actually thinking of the Dark Crystal earlier today, weird. I blame it on the fact I spoke to someone who actually looked like a Gelfling today.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-01-05 08:41:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Arrange to do 25 hookers (One with each letter from the alphabet as an initial, two if finding Q's, Z's and U's is difficult). This is 25 different things.
Claim on medical expenses.
Provide proof of 'delivery'.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-05 08:24:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
its clearly the villian thingy from dark crystle with a phoenix in the middle.