My first impression of Übersite (885 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.4 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LSD (View user info) at 2007-01-05 20:53:24 EST
you know what you remind me of? When you go into a public washroom and you pull down your pants and sit on the seat and it smells like somebody died while trying to eat as many eggs as humanly possible and you can see all sorts of dirty perverse racist taunts written in crude handwriting and in some places human excrement no matter where you look - even in the bowl, which, by the way, is full of misty water of dubious cleanliness.
You sit down on the seat and you feel the unmistakable coldness of days-old hopefully human urine. And at that point you realize that it's too late: you probably have some kind of std because the urine has small black specks suspended in it and it has corroded the seat partially and then you also come to see that no matter what you do from this point on in your life, you will never get as happy as you have at some point been, even though undoubtedly you're on the verge of a mental breakdown.
So you remove your tie which has already been dunked in the fetid toilet water and tie it around your neck hoping it will be tight enough to hold you, and you tie the other end to the slowly rotating industiral ceiling fan above you. You stand on the toilet seat and jump off. Thankfully, the tie holds due to its being soaked in what you now are sure is urine dribbling down your neck, although you aren't high enough off the ground to suffocate instantly or have your neck broken, so you hang there, your face turning shades of blue and purple.
Realizing you have about a half hour to die, you pull your penis out of your stale corporate slacks and give it a few tugs, hoping to at least orgasm one last time before you're sent into the afterlife (which by the way will probably be filled with eons upon eons of shame and torture as you atone for your many imperfections through sheer and simple pain and suffering.)
Unfortunately, the blood rushing from your head to your small circumsized penis causes you to pass out and you defecate an oily tar into your briefs. It dribbles down your leg and forms a circle of droplets on the sticky floor as you rotate in time with the rusted fan above you.
Later in the week, the sweaty, dirty illegal immigrant who owns the rest stop comes into the bathroom to free your lifeless body from its final failure. He gazes lustfully at your wrinkled slacks and the sensous curve of your middle-aged pimple-covered penis which is now pitifully flaccid and hanging limply from your zipper. He uses his plaque covered yellow teeth to bite through your tie, savouring the taste of the dried urine as it's brought back to life by his putrid saliva.
After some additional lovemaking, he dumps your body into a nearby sewer which slowly makes its way to an outlet in a creek near the home of your ex-wife. Your children discover your slime covered corpse and both commit suicide days later.
User Reviews
Submitted by jojo747 (user info) at 2007-01-10 03:36:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
some people seem to like this shit, I missing it though.
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-01-08 14:41:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2007-01-07 08:56:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Shite.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2007-01-06 08:15:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-01-06 07:14:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2007-01-05 23:55:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BigRichard (user info) at 2007-01-05 23:10:25 (#)
Ranking: -2
Tried too hard.
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That's the last thing I would have expected to hear on ubersite of all places. I thought this was a website for writers but I guess I was wrong in that assumption given that you actually think this piece of absolute horseshit drivel is at all difficult to write. I pretty much shit on my keyboard and clicked submit
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Good show! After all, THIS IS A SERIOUS WRITERS FORUM.
Submitted by Yougotthatright (user info) at 2007-01-06 04:52:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think this site is like passing a peach pit through your lower G.I.
...electronically speaking.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-06 03:17:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-01-06 02:37:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
i didn't read this, but +2 for the picture.
i will read this when i'm a bit more sober.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-01-06 02:37:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i didn't read this, but +2 for the picture.
i will read this when i'm a bit more sober.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-06 02:19:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*LOUD NOISES*!!!
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2007-01-06 01:25:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2007-01-06 00:21:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-01-05 21:45:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Mine goes a little differently, mostly because my time here has been "fun."
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hahahah look at this asshole, he came here to have FUN!
What a joke
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2007-01-05 23:55:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BigRichard (user info) at 2007-01-05 23:10:25 (#)
Ranking: -2
Tried too hard.
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That's the last thing I would have expected to hear on ubersite of all places. I thought this was a website for writers but I guess I was wrong in that assumption given that you actually think this piece of absolute horseshit drivel is at all difficult to write. I pretty much shit on my keyboard and clicked submit.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-05 23:37:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
haha that's a good way to put it. you're really sick by the way.
Submitted by BigRichard (user info) at 2007-01-05 23:10:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Tried too hard.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2007-01-05 23:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-01-05 23:02:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I get that too sometimes. best thing to do is rub one out.
Submitted by GREEEN (user info) at 2007-01-05 22:55:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Capitalize the first letter CUNT.
But this was awesome.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-01-05 22:41:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck you Phallic. New York is the bestest city in the whole wide world!!!
Submitted by fclo002 (user info) at 2007-01-05 22:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tubpig?
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-01-05 22:07:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
goddamn mexicans have all the luck
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-01-05 21:45:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mine goes a little differently, mostly because my time here has been "fun."
Submitted by Charlton_H (user info) at 2007-01-05 21:27:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2007-01-05 21:22:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done.
Although, non kid friendly cartoon pigs, and pigs in reference to human sodomy (Last Tango in Paris, Deliverance) OR depicted doing other unconventional pig things (Hannibal) make me want to barf up everything I've ever eaten. So do puppets, but that's a different story.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2007-01-05 21:18:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a revenge rating.
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2007-01-05 21:04:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
O Jeann-yeee of little faith... I wrote this!
And axolotl: thanks for not revenge rating me :) that made me a happy fascist
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-01-05 21:00:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Probably plagiarized, but a fun read. Bravo.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-01-05 20:57:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was my first impression of New York.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-01-05 20:56:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahhaahhaahaha
good show