A Guide to Girlfriends: The Early Days (1215 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: Dating_Guide
Rating: 1.59 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hourman (View user info) at 2007-01-08 08:04:04 EST
We're going to assume that the guides previously used have managed to, somehow, obtain you an acceptable lady friend. We have discussed the relevant stages to dating, and the 'Date to Rape' chart, including vital signs to keep a look out for.
We are now to assume you have indeed bagged yourself a floozy that, at least, keeps you mildly entertained/ sane/ emotionally stable. These are all possible states within the relationship, but all of them take a little bit of work.
Now surprisingly the place where you met your new lady pal, and the places you 'dated' together, will have a huge impact on your relationship, or at least the things you do.
There are a vast array of area to be covered, but what we are going to discuss today, are the 'Warning Signs' or the EWMG system (Early Warning Mental Girl). There are a number of theories, but this is clearly the best (especially for all you xenophobes).
The Cling-on
If you wake up in the morning and you have more than 1 missed call or more than 1 message you're in trouble (unless she had a 'crisis' e.g. rape/ murder). Anything more than one of each would indicate that you have a 'Cling-on'.
Now just like that nasty brown nugget that clings to the rim of your ass, it is fairly easy to shake this sort of girl off. They are usually flaky/ crazy and there is one clear answer: extreme hostility.
WARNING: If you do not deal with this situation you may end up with a full blown shit storm. There is no way of simply 'ignoring' a cling-on, they will not stop until they have some how clawed themselves into your day to day life.
If you believe you have a Cling-on follow this rule of thumb: Be really mean like so.
You: Hello?
Cling-on: Jibber jabbers mumble rant
You: I see...
Cling-on: Jibber-
You: - let me just stop you. I have decided I was totally in the wrong and led you on. Whilst I regret hurting you, you must know that I really don't like you. I don't know why, but the very fact we breathe the same air aggravates me.
Cling-on: JIBBER-
You: I'm sorry, but it's over. I don't like you and I'm sorry.
Nice and simple, but also you may be able to get a pity fuck off one of her friends at some point in time. This will usually cause the Cling-on to get depressed and release her hooks, falling into a state of despair and emo. Job well done soldier.
The Emotionalist
Whoa Nelly these ones are a cunt. Seriously these types of girls are like a smart Cling-on.
Basically when you say 'Hello' they interpret that as one of two things:
1. 'I love you so much and I never want to leave you'
2. 'You're a fat sow of a wench and I don't like/care/ acknowledge you in any way you pig eyed doughy pot of lard'.
There's no middle ground, it's either Romeo and Juliet or Starlight Express. These ones are early to spot, and if you'd followed the precious guides, you'd know how. If they hold your hand before your first real date/ on your first 1-3 dates, you may have an emotionalist on your hands. The best check is a Credit check, check the lengths of her ex-boyfriends and make sure she hasn't faulted on any sane payments.
So how do you get rid of them? Make them hate you (A lovely little number that requires you to actually not care- not like you say to your friends 'I don't care' but to actually be a heartless scrotum sack)
Here's what I did:
Day 30 of dating: Too much attention/ too crazy.
Day 31: Initiate plan 'Ignore' (I'm not subtle).
Day 32: 7 missed calls, 3 text messages.
Day 35: 32 missed calls, 21 text messages.
Day 40: 118 missed calls, 57 text messages.
Day 41: Text Confirmation received: 'I'm really sorry I've been pestering you so much, and I'm sorry I acted so childishly. Please ring me if you want to start again, other wise I wish you the best Luv Girl.'
Day 43: Text sent by Hour: 'It was just as much my fault too. I apologise, it was just a bit too much.'
Reply: 'Me too. : )'
Mission Accomplished. Also her friends won't hate you and they become viable targets for banging and she won't bad mouth you because you made her feel like it was equally both of your faults. Congratulations sir, you did well.
Risk Factor: She is actually NOT an emotionalist, but a Need-Machine. The Need-Machine will go mental and do nothing but bad mouth you to her friends and all others, you can tell if she's a need machine by how she acts when other girls are around. You'll know what I mean because every time you say 'hello' to ANY girl, you will be given evils (evil looks). Also if she is a mentalist then it's likely her friends are and you will forever be cock-blocked by this group of people. There is little to do to avoid this, shy of making friends with the mentalists (but that could end up being wasted time and energy).
The Changeling
You poor son of a bitch, I actually feel sorry for you.
You: Hi my names Dave
Her: Your new name is Alex.
You: What? My name-
Her: 'What' [Disgusted tone] we'll have to work on your communication skills.'
If you feel like the pussy is worth the punishment then feel free to cut your balls off now because they will not be there for long, that I promise you.
Or stand up for yourself and say 'Fuck you.'
The only way to get rid of a changeling is to answer everything as no.
Her: Do you like this new 'better' top I got you?
You: No.
Her: I would rather eat here, it's much better.
You: No.
Her: Oh for Gods sake stop acting like a child.
You: [Imitate her voice and pull faces whilst repeating what she just said followed by] No.
That's it after that, you're pretty much done. Trust me.
So that's a quick run down on the first few days of how to spot these women, tomorrow lesson, 'When is it ok to suggest jazzing on her face? Or limits and how to know them'.
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-02 12:46:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
gold
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-01-10 10:22:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-01-09 01:46:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by RPharazon (user info) at 2007-01-08 21:39:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's a quick phrase to sum up everything that was said above:
"Fuck off, you dumb slut, lest I stuff a fist into your face and a foot into your festering cunt. If I ever see you again, I will throw you into the path of the nearest large vehicle."
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-01-08 18:34:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This displayed class, charisma, comedy and cunt. I tip my hat to you.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2007-01-08 18:28:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-01-08 18:08:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
these are growing on me
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-01-08 16:41:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-01-08 15:12:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Clark, I love these guides.
Ubetidid, you definitely need to tell some stories. Fuck, I just re-read your comment and started cracking up again.
Submitted by BadASCII (user info) at 2007-01-08 15:07:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2007-01-08 14:50:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Text messaging is a pussy's way of communicating.
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-01-08 14:35:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love stereotyping everyone on the planet earth.
Submitted by Konerak (user info) at 2007-01-08 14:13:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Going to write a game about this.
Yeah, browsergame. MMORPG.
Gonna blatantly steal the character descriptions, too.
Wanna write some more?
You're hired!
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-01-08 13:47:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that was pretty good.
you might want to be extra careful with mental girl, though.
i took a case in court the other day:
girlfriend and boyfriend at a cookout. he makes advances on another girl.
they go home. he's taking a nap while she "irons" his work uniform.
she goes in the bedroom and while he's still sleeping she takes the hot iron and places it on his face while asking:
"now do you want that girl?"
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-08 13:42:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-01-08 12:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Society of Japanese monkey
Several adult males compose their society; the number of adult females is nearly three times of adult males, and their children. Basically, females stay in her natal group, on the other hand, most of male leave their group before they become adults. Some of males become solitary male, but in someday, he will join the new group. They continue to move from group to group. So, the basic composition of group is adult females and their children, forming a matrilineal society.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-08 12:31:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-08 11:21:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-01-08 11:19:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
name that film.
----
Blue Brothers I think
---
ahem, it's 'The Blues Brothers', dorko.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-01-08 12:04:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, no, no all wrong.
First you isolate them from their friends so you are their only outlet, then you start with the offhand comments belitteling their weight/general appearance. When you move on to physically hurting them make sure to start with arm grabbing and shaking before you move onto open handed slaps. Also when working the body make sure you use a telephone book so you leave no bruises.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-01-08 12:02:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a great series. Keep up the good work.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-08 12:00:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-08 11:43:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88926
I forgot about this. Thanks ICO
NB: I am no pedo...
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-01-08 11:24:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-08 11:21:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-01-08 11:19:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
name that film.
----
Blue Brothers I think
----
Indeed! Quality film............
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-08 11:21:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-01-08 11:19:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
name that film.
----
Blue Brothers I think
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-01-08 11:19:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
name that film.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-08 11:11:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-01-08 11:06:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Its all very simple....women are crazy
-----
Very true.
Men are stupid and women are mental.
Men are lazy and women are over-active.
Men are lovers women are fighters.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-01-08 11:08:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminded me of:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/73351
Worst. Break-up. ever.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-01-08 11:06:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Its all very simple....women are crazy
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-01-08 10:47:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh where would I be without your guides?! (probably bored at work, literally)
I've just got rid of a persistant Changeling, she failed to change me so she turned into a need-machine. Pretty heavy experience there. Finally kicked her to the curb, and now I'm learning the trade of lonely single internet loser, Hi I'm Dan and I'm a lonely internet loser.
To be honest, I want my changeling back, just to say no to.
Grass is always greener people so stay where the fuck you are and hold on to what you've got!
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-08 10:46:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think it's part 5 now. It's a nice little series in my opinion. I'll take it on as far as I can so I will probably stop at part 10.
Part 7 will be the best I think: Return of the Phantom Drunk
That'll be the middle of the relationship. The one year period were you get home really drunk and your missus is sober and you've done something stupid like request a 3 some with her best mate, or started a fight, or worst of all cried for no apparent reason.
Thanks though.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-01-08 10:41:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, this was rather good.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-08 09:17:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is very true. However I followed up because I did not want to have her mates all hassleing me (Read as: I am a pussy and can't be arsed to deal with angry girls.)
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-08 09:13:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Day 30 of dating: Too much attention/ too crazy.
Day 31: Initiate plan 'Ignore' (I'm not subtle).
Day 32: 7 missed calls, 3 text messages.
Day 35: 32 missed calls, 21 text messages.
Day 40: 118 missed calls, 57 text messages.
Day 41: Text Confirmation received: 'I'm really sorry I've been pestering you so much, and I'm sorry I acted so childishly. Please ring me if you want to start again, other wise I wish you the best Luv Girl.'
--
From my experience it's best to leave the Emotionalist right here. Otherwise if you actually send them a text they may take it the wrong way and the whole cycle starts again.
Other than that i did laugh, i have fond memories of a few changelings.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-08 09:07:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Girlfriends are for people who can't be bothered with a bad download speed.
That and Jenna J won't ACTUALLY blow me.... but there you go.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-01-08 08:26:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amusing
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-01-08 08:25:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pannerplant (user info) at 2007-01-08 08:17:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Girlfriends are for losers who don't know how to download porn.
-----
winnah
Submitted by pannerplant (user info) at 2007-01-08 08:17:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Girlfriends are for losers who don't know how to download porn.