A Guide to Girlfriends Part 2: Emergencies and Emergences (951 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: Dating_Guide
Rating: 1.19 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hourman (View user info) at 2007-01-09 07:16:12 EST
With a guide such as this I can only assume that everyone is at the same point, which is at the very least content with your current lady lass. We will assume this because if you encountered any problems you should rinse and repeat from the previous series.
So, on to the topic of choice for the day: Emergencies and Emergences. Now most people would say that they can handle a situation, or cope with an emergency and for the most part they may be correct. However, when it comes to girlfriends YOU KNOW NOTHING, and I say that in the nicest possible way.
Men and women, as strange as this might sound, actually have different types of brains. They are composed of different materials that react in extremely different ways.
A mans brain, is made specifically for outwitting others and retaining enough knowledge to mock others. The actual matter of the brain can change density when put in direct stress (similar to that of sunlight and CDs).
The left side is used for storing facts and trivia to baffle and bamboozle your friends/ colleagues and family members. It is composed of a squishy like substance that is known to reject certain facts of life (unless they're gay, but that's a whole different series).
The right side of the brain is the processor; this brings all the information together and fires it out as a witty response/ insult. This part of the brain is made of spikes and is impenetrable by logic/ reason and good manners; however it can be subdued by sex (including relationships), but can be accentuated by alcohol.
There is also a lobe at the front of the brain that allows for sports (Sport itself is just another form of insulting your opponent, by kicking their ass).
The man also has an imaginary bit of the brain that has been invented by the opposite sex. This part is called 'The Person You used to be' part of the brain. This is made of bullshit and usually occurs when you have wooed the women to like you through a series of lies and fake personality traits. You will often here the argument 'You never used to be like this!' Through floods of tears, this implies she doesn't like you for who you are.
The whole make up of the brain allows for brilliant quick replies ('Your ass does not look big', 'I'm not scared of your father', and 'I think your sister is nice, but I'd never have sex with her!') Which in the case of a short question is a brilliant little piece of equipment; However when the women asks a larger more complex question 'Where do you think our relationship is actually going?' This CAN NOT BE ANSWERED QUICKLY!!
If you answer this question far too quickly you will get one (or all if you have a mentalist) of the following style quotes:
1. You're not listening to me are you? You never take me fucking seriously! (Lots of slamming, less likely to cause tears, more likely to cause erratic behaviour)
2. So it's like that is it? Fine... at least I know where we stand! (More likely to cause tears, but can usually solved with a hug and/ or reassuring words as to how stupid you are.)
3. (An immediate breakdown of tears. You have an emotionalist you stupid boy! I told you to get rid of these. Anyway these situations are impossible. The best advice is to either go out to the pub or hug her and shut the fuck up!)
4. I think we need relationship counselling. (ALERT! ALERT! Changeling is in the vicinity! Appease her and then break it up before she has a chance to destroy you!)
Right, that little explanation there should give you a fighting chance when it comes to normal situations and your cock ups (in her eyes).
As a point of note here is a rundown of the woman's brain:
There are 21974 parts to the women's brain, and every part has the density of a sponge. It absorbs all the information that is needed to destroy you in any argument (including social situations).
For example:
Brain Part #2189: Retention of sporting defeats you have suffered since birth. (Categorised chronologically and by severity of your defeat).
Or
Brain Part #11843: The area best known as 'Cook-us Fuck-up-us'. This is the area that stores all your cooking attempts that you have failed at. (Part #11843B is reserved for illness that you may have induced from your cooking fuck ups).
There is however a small central processor (Brain Part #1) this is made of a titanium alloy that can easily shoot out sharp tongued insults (which if you get offended by, you will be reminded of Brain Part #2-2000 The areas best known for storing upsetting things you've said since birth about girls/girlfriends/ women (especially if you're in a female dominated room)/ relationships/ love).
The final part of the brain (#21974) is made of dark matter, very similar to that of a black-hole. This part is known for all the good things you've done in the last day (anything done over 24 hours is deemed as 'too long ago to be judged upon'.) Also anything done in the last 24 hours is sucked into this black hole, and ripped to pieces until at LEAST one fault is found. HOWEVER if you inform the woman that you have become aware of her brain, you will get ass fucked by parts #15000-16000 the 'IIOERU' (Illogical/ Irrational and Over Emotional Response Unit). This can cause a number of reactions from; suicide threats/ murder threats/ slamming/ crying/ screaming/ shouting/ stamping/ swearing/ threats/ aggressive attacks and many more.
As you can see a woman's brain is ten times more complicated than the brain of the man, but that also makes her much weaker to our male prowess; However if she is surrounded by supportive females YOU CAN NEVER EVER WIN.
What we will do now is run through a final exercise (Not the sort you'll be doing if you have a changeling and are an 'ickle-bit' podgy.)
Your girlfriend reminds you that you're going round her parents for dinner that night (first meeting). Firstly you cancel the pub trip with the boys without mentioning it to her (Part #2001 will be activated otherwise, the part of the brain that deals with your priorities according to her.)
Then you choose something smart and casual (which is another way of the women saying you can't choose the right clothes. This is part #11842 which deals with your bad dress sense.)
You DO NOT make any comments about her lateness, or how she looks. DO NOT over exaggerate her attractiveness because that will result in her changing and then it's your fault.
Upon arriving at the house you shake hands with everyone (don't try and kiss people or you end up in a pre-kiss dance for well over 10 seconds which is far beyond the limits of normality, and you will forever be the weirdo who tried to make out with her mum!)
If you are offered a drink then clearly state 'yes please' (and don't be a prick, have whatever he offers. If he offers a choice then choose. Do not be indecisive!) If you are a driving then just say 'No thanks, I'm driving. Could I have a [Insert non complicated, non alcoholic beverage]' (This will score brownie points all round, making you responsible, especially with her mum.)
If you are drinking then don't get drunk... if you do then you're on your own and very stupid.
As far as conversation goes here are the limits:
1. Opinions: Keep the majority to yourself, don't be arrogant.
2. Interest: Tell one or two stories, but remember it's not a performance.
3. Eat like a grown up.
4. Drink like a grown up.
5. Don't make any comments that incriminate your girlfriends 'Honey you remember the time we
got high and ass fucked in a field? The chicken we made that night was bought from the same place
your mum shops!'
6. Keep it simple and short. Goes for everything.
7. Nothing sexist/ racist/ political etc (unless you want to bond with the Dad and he has taken an immediate liking to you.)
8. Never whisper something to your wench (It's more than likely she will make a louder, more unsubtle point of telling the family.)
9. Never discuss your job for more than thirty seconds.
10. Remember you are being judged (as is YOUR family. Surprisingly all the people I've dated have judged my family by my standards. Needless to say we're a little different.)
Hopefully that is enough to get you going, and enough to help you survive for now. Remember people keep all this under your hat, lest you feel the wrath of parts #2-2000.
User Reviews
Submitted by DreamWeaver (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:22:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I still had TheDoctor he would +2 these posts too. Hand him back you fiend, I know who you are!!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-02 12:53:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Worthy of a higher rating
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-01-10 10:10:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-01-09 23:10:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked this one. I once got drunk with my girlfriends dad and railed on Tony Blair, the Nazis, and feminists for a while. Good times.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-01-09 22:52:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth reading, a decent distraction at lunch.
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-01-09 17:55:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
not as good as some of the older ones, but still a good read.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-09 16:47:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I've been a better cook than every one of my girlfriends...
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-09 16:07:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kabuto_N (user info) at 2007-01-09 14:55:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-01-09 13:32:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-09 09:57:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
You reckon I should stop?
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-01-09 09:52:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
This series is slipping a little mate.
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No, don't stop... just go back to writing them the way you used to... we all understand that our women are unreasonable, irrational, mad, prone to out burts etc and so on... you only need to say that, not PROVE it with numbers.
It was the whole 'part 23456, part 22345' bit that started to drag while I was reading it, yet in other parts you make spot on observations about our ladies.
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2007-01-09 10:50:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I enjoyed it. The number thing started to piss me off. Though I think it's because I hate all forms of mathematics.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-09 10:43:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-09 10:20:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-09 10:14:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
Amusingly I actually thought this was the best.
--
It's a bummer when that happens isn't it? You think that you have just created the funniest masterpiece known to man and people shoot it down.
I still think this was bloody funny, the number thing didn't bother me as I rarely read the actual numbers when they are in something like this.
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YES! I actually think you got it (not to say homer etc didn't, but Drog actually wrote what I was thinking.)
You are spot on with the numbers being totally irrelevant! Totally!
Thanks guys, appreciate it. I will do 1 more (shorter, less numbers, more like the others).
Don't forget though the others were a guide to dating, this is a guide to girlfriends.
C
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-09 10:41:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They're kinda right. Some of the others were better, it's a little longish but it's still funny as hell. Anything that points the built stupidity/lack of logic/lack of accountability in a woman's brain is an auto +2 by me. :) You're doing the lord's work, keep it up.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-09 10:39:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you kick ass
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-09 10:20:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-09 10:14:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
Amusingly I actually thought this was the best.
--
It's a bummer when that happens isn't it? You think that you have just created the funniest masterpiece known to man and people shoot it down.
I still think this was bloody funny, the number thing didn't bother me as I rarely read the actual numbers when they are in something like this.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-09 10:14:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Amusingly I actually thought this was the best.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-09 09:57:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You reckon I should stop?
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-01-09 09:52:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This series is slipping a little mate.
Submitted by I_love_Kracka (user info) at 2007-01-09 09:02:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
made me smile
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-09 09:02:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wicked (user info) at 2007-01-09 08:35:36 (#)
Ranking: -1
so, in summary, stupidity should be economized. Thanks.
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Submitted by yhywstudios (user info) at 2007-01-09 08:28:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
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Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-01-09 08:15:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
Really began to drag.
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Wicked: Well I think you missed the point.
Nellypaal: Fair enough, but I think you missed the point too.
Oh well these things happen!
Submitted by Wicked (user info) at 2007-01-09 08:35:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
so, in summary, stupidity should be economized. Thanks.
Submitted by yhywstudios (user info) at 2007-01-09 08:28:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-01-09 08:15:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Really began to drag.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-09 07:49:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
It's a good idea not to make any sexual innuendo with fathers; they don't seem to like it all that much.
This was very funny mate.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-09 07:48:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fair enough matey. Basically I illustrated the joke too much. Point taken and noted.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-01-09 07:44:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think you could have said 'women have Three Billion times the number of brain cells dedicated to remembering people's fuckups than men. Fear this power and respect it - as you would a hurricane'
and that would have been better than 'and now i shall count the bits'
still - it was ok
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-09 07:41:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Right, but that wa sliterally part of the stupidity. If it were an actuall explanation of the female brain then fair cop, but they were literally there as an example.
I do get what your saying, but they were meant to be more of a physical anoymolly (sp?) than an actual point of medical refrence.
Cheers anyway dude.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-01-09 07:39:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
too many numbers. You let your examples get in the way of the story. At the end it felt a bit like i'd been lectured on what i need to buy at the supermarket.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-09 07:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
really? huh... I really thought this was a good one actually. Dang.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-01-09 07:32:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
meh.