A Guide to Girlfriends: My Stories (Possible Lack of Humor...... Special Guide to Girl Friends APW Inside....Kinda) (990 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: dating_guide
Rating: 1.57 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hourman (View user info) at 2007-01-10 07:35:49 EST
I thought that as of late I have been somewhat distanced from my 'Guide to...' posts. So I have decided to now relate to you, my students, a little more than usual. This post is dedicated to all the changelings, mentalists and emotionalists over the years.
The First but Not the Last
There is no were better to start than your first girlfriend, and at the tender age of 11 I had my first girl, who was also my best friends sister. As I have already said this was a 'Neddy-no-no' but for some reason it seemed like a good idea.
We were 'devoted' to each other and even though we held hands (a lot) we were so totally kissing too... One particular incidence we held hands all the way through a two hour movie and I lost ALL feeling in my hand for about two days. Thankfully I wasn't a pro-wanker then so it wasn't a big deal.
The learning curve is hard and no less hard than hearing the immortal words 'My friends say we should break up.' Damn this woman and her petulance! Damn her to hell I say! Nevertheless I soldiered on and Action Man and I resolved to murder her (in an 11 year old kinda way.)
I was then telephoned (we were far too young to be breaking up in person at this point. I actually feel like this little escapade is what has helped exaggerate my inability to break up with women face to face.) She begged for me to return to her (thus setting the mind in motion to realise women are fickle creatures with not a lot of fore-sight). I of course said no, and though my heart was crushed I vowed to never let it happen again... how wrong I was.
A Hybrid?
Emo? What's that? I'll tell you what; it's a God damn Emotionalist wrapped up in prefabricated lies! We will call this girl 'Emo' for... well because she's a mentalist and plagues me to this day.
This is a complicated story so stick with me. Emo and I were meeting my mate (we'll call him T and his girl we'll call L. L is the epitome of mentalists and an ex of mine. Whatever though it's all good.) So T and L were waiting for Emo and I at the bar and we all sat down and had a drink and a laugh.
NB: Two mentalists in the same room is very bad.
We were chatting and mid-way through the conversation L goes
"Hour, were you the one (bitch!) who liked to have me walk on him in stilettos?'
T, Emo and I shut the fuck up and looked mega shocked. We sat there is silence as her mental brain laughed inside at our totally inability to comprehend what she just said.
Emo being the mentalist then said
'Unlikely you fat trollop.'
Oh good, that'll calm things down. Insults were hurled and what not, so T and I decided to call it a night and took our respective burdens back to our cars to drive them home.
When I got in the car Emo was furious and rating and raving and so forth, then she looked at me...for what seemed like a year... then started crying. DAMN YOU GOD IT'S AN EMOTIONALIST MENTALIST HYBRID! What's that coming over the hill is it a monster?! I spent the next five hours trying to calm her down... then I dumped her... it seems mean but as I've told you before women are mental. Totally.
Goths are awesome...
MacDonald: Hi, can I take your order please
Goth Girl: I want a Happy Meal without the emotion.
MacDonald: Err...
Me: She's joking, just a-
Goth Girl: DON'T TELL ME WHAT I WANT! I WANT A FUCKING HAPPY MEAL WITHOUT THE FUCKING EMOTION!
MacDonald: I need to get the manager...
Manager: I'm sorry but it's called a Happy Meal and we can't take the emotion out of it.
Goth Girl: Oh for fucks sake why are you all so retarded? Fine just give me a cheese burger without the cheese.
Manager: A hamburger?
Goth Girl: Oh for fucks sake is that too hard too?!
Me: Yeah... we're through.
Goths Rock!
My friends and I all decided to go get wrecked with my ex at our local. Beingt he classy lass she tended to be she drank a shit load of 'Lambrini' and 'MD 20/20'. When we arrived at the pub she was pretty hammered.
Activate Crazy Mode
Me: You need to go home.
Her: No.
Me: You're not coming out with me like this.
Her: Fuck you!
Me: Fuck you!
Her: How dare you say that to me?!
...
Me: Fine look lets just get you * slap *
Her: Fuck you!
She stormed out of the pub and somehow did so whilst puking everywhere.
Me: Wait up, let me walk you home you crazy * kick to ball sack, punch in face *
Her: Fuck you! I'm always nice to you and you hate me!
Me: Ok seriously fuck you, you loony bitch!
There are many more stories, including my friends Dad telling his son (in front of his new girl) to stop bringing round Girl X (who is his ex) and fucking her so loud.
Or the girl who sat outside my house for three days and cried every time I went outside.
In short women are mental. You all know this, and I'll tell you tomorrow about more 'Tricks of the Trash.'
End
Editors Note: Due to all your complaints yesterday about my numbers, I've done you a graph. Enjoy.
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:58:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
where in the bloody-puss-spewing-mucus-dripping Hell do you find these women???
Jaysis!
Submitted by DreamWeaver (user info) at 2008-01-03 14:24:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perv below.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-02 12:56:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I <3 you
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-01-11 04:20:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Girls are far more evil that as represented by the graph. I knew one that bit the head off a rabbit, and then ate the whole thing, completely raw, with the fur and everything.
No, wait...... that was a dog.
But I stand by my remark.
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2007-01-11 01:47:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I completely, totally, wholly understand, support, and cheer this post.
Any post about bitchy women=+2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-01-11 01:22:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so glad I'm not a guy trying to find a decent, normal girl. I feel sorry for you boys.
Submitted by SatansPetMonkey (user info) at 2007-01-10 17:20:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh MD 20/20 rox my sox!!!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-10 16:14:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent graph
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-10 15:38:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Still funny but you're slipping...
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-10 11:10:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-01-10 11:03:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this. I had a woman who used to drink Cherry Lambrini. It turned her urine a strange pink shade, apparently.
You're SO into watersports.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-01-10 11:03:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this. I had a woman who used to drink Cherry Lambrini. It turned her urine a strange pink shade, apparently.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-01-10 11:00:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It was "meh", but I'm making up for the retalitory fuckwit.
Submitted by Kabuto_N (user info) at 2007-01-10 10:33:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep them comming, looking forward to it.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-10 09:12:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jiminee (user info) at 2007-01-10 09:11:21 (#)
Ranking: -2
get a girlfriend first mate!!!!!!
-99999999 for pretending you might know a woman
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Hmm retaliatory -2 perhaps? You fucking tool.
Submitted by Jiminee (user info) at 2007-01-10 09:11:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
get a girlfriend first mate!!!!!!
-99999999 for pretending you might know a woman
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-10 09:04:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-01-10 08:48:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-10 07:46:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm engaged.
-------------------------
So you have met ones who can hide their insanity.
Only a matter of time until this one show my friend.
-------------------------
Believe me dude I know that every single woman is insane. The whole 'art' to dating and falling 'in love' is just how well you can hide your bad qualities.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-01-10 08:56:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-10 07:47:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
That and I'm only 20... so maybe my advice is invalid... but we must remember the majority of Uber is under 20.... judging by the vast quanties of gay jokes and jizz pics.
They act like 20 . I think we're more like a club of geriatrics , overaged puberals and the usual
gettogether of fools,loony's and other insanity-variances ...
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-01-10 08:48:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-10 07:46:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm engaged.
-------------------------
So you have met ones who can hide their insanity.
Only a matter of time until this one show my friend.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-01-10 08:44:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny how i see a lady pacman in that pie chart , and
even more funny : the evil part is exactly a mouth .
No coincidence there , in my opinion ! That thin line ,is
that the blade I just inserted between her eyes ?
Just wondering ...
Good luck finding a new Cash-provider ,hour_man ...
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-01-10 08:34:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Numbers or graphs, this is all a little dull.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-01-10 08:28:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-01-10 08:02:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'MD 20/20'
-------------
+2
Keep it up mate and sorry to hear about your job you fucking lay about slacker.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-10 07:57:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cheers dude. I got kicked out and lost my job a few days ago so I'm a little...tense, Sorry Indo, you are a bastard but you're not the worst.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-10 07:50:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep it as it is Hourman, we all have our off days. We sometimes have to put up the bad so people can appreciate the great when it comes along.
Your stuff is by no means bad by the way.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-10 07:47:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm tempted just to stick the graph up as an APW before anyone posts above me.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-10 07:47:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Whats happened mate? This seems to have gone off the rails somewhat; and I'm sure you have used the Macdonalds Goth girl before.
Still I did laugh about the Graph. I will look forward to more tomorrow.
Drogo
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-10 07:47:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That and I'm only 20... so maybe my advice is invalid... but we must remember the majority of Uber is under 20.... judging by the vast quanties of gay jokes and jizz pics.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-10 07:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm engaged.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-10 07:45:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-01-10 07:41:12 (#)
Ranking: -2
So you are giving advice after dating whiny emotionaly damaged bitches?
-------
I said there was more. But you're a cunt. No matter what I'd have put you'd have give me a 0 or a -2, because for some reason giving praise to others or a kind word is about as likely as me giving a damn.
Now I sound whiny...damn...oh well.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-01-10 07:42:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I mean all women are crazy, but you have problems if you can't find one who can hide it for at least a few years.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-01-10 07:41:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
So you are giving advice after dating whiny emotionaly damaged bitches?