I Love Public Speaking (588 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.64 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by thecrystalship (View user info) at 2007-01-11 18:33:48 EST
I've always hated giving speeches in my classes. Almost every time I would lose focus, my mouth would go dry, and my words would jumble, but there was always that occassional speech that was flawless from beginning to end. Not until a few months ago did I figure out what made those few speeches so successful. It is quite simple really, I lied. Oh, yes, I discovered that it much easier for me to lie to a large group of people then to speak about something in which I am passionate or knowledgeable.
I struggled when it came time to decide for a speech topic. What topic should I speak on? I could think of nothing but the obvious choices that were sure to bore until one night while intoxicated I decided that the life of a hobo would be a fun topic. That was it, I was going to speak about hobos so I sent my teacher a quick e-mail.
"My speech topic will be life as a hobo."
She responded the next day.
"I am curious as to what led you to this topic. What is your connection?"
Now I knew that I could not say that hobos were nothing more than an interest of mine for this would surely lead to the disqualification of the topic.
"I lived as a hobo for a year."
It was simple and to the point. I did not think she would believe it, but I was thrilled when I received her next response.
"Then the topic is very valid! I look forward to hearing your speech."
As a side note, I was amused to later find out that she actually consulted other faculty about the validity of the topic.
The next day I went to wikipedia.org and turned their hobo article into a speech. After that I made a slide-show containing pictures of hobos with captions such as "My friend James in Virginia." It was a real masterpiece, no one would question it.
It was later that night after watching the movie Fight Club that my genius struck again, for now I was to add pornographic pictures to display in between slides for mere milliseconds. I tested it, and it was perfect.
The day of the speech I started my preparations which consisted of a couple k-pins and more than a couple shots of vodka. The speech was sure to be flawless.
In the front of the class I noticed my fellow students smirk as I announced my topic and dove into the material. I was very calm and able to watch them carefully, I observed their every reaction. I noticed the larger, more unbelievable my lies, the more they grinned and so I went on and on until I thought God would strike me dead for the lies which I unleashed. He did not strike me dead, but instead he messed up the presentation. Yes, between slide 5 and 6 the computer lagged causing a rather disturbing image I had purposely put in the slide to display slightly longer than intended.
I could not believe it. I looked around the room and continued as I tried my best to ignore what had happened. The teacher was looking at her desk writing some notes, she had missed it. I looked around some more as I talked and tried to maintain my composure. No one seemed to notice, and I was regaining confidence, but then I gazed upon the girl in the second row who was sitting there with eyes wide and mouth agape.
This poor girl knew what she had seen, and it unnerved me. I quickly finished my speech and walked back to my desk. I was received with a great applause and then a barrage of questions from people interested in my tremendous life as a hobo. Needless to say, I learned a valuable lesson that day; never use Microsoft Powerpoint.
User Reviews
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2007-01-12 17:36:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story, regardless of whether its fake or not...which it is...maybe.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-01-12 14:02:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a coincidence! I happen to be a hob-nobbin' hobo from Hoboken. Small world!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-01-12 12:25:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2007-01-12 11:01:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Microsoft is a fucking joke.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-01-12 09:59:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2007-01-12 08:36:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, actually it's all true asshole.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2007-01-12 03:15:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
well, mostly bullshit, but mildly entertaining i guess
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-12 02:35:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love your username
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-11 22:45:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You sir, are a king amoung men. Class A post - double tripple bonus if you really actually did this as described. Pure genius.
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2007-01-11 22:02:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob Dylan - Only a Hobo, the song that inspired the topic.
As I was out walking on a corner one day,
I spied an old hobo, in a doorway he lay.
His face was all grounded in the cold sidewalk floor
And I guess he'd been there for the whole night or more.
Only a hobo, but one more is gone
Leavin' nobody to sing his sad song
Leavin' nobody to carry him home
Only a hobo, but one more is gone
A blanket of newspaper covered his head,
As the curb was his pillow, the street was his bed.
One look at his face showed the hard road he'd come
And a fistful of coins showed the money he bummed.
Only a hobo, but one more is gone
Leavin' nobody to sing his sad song
Leavin' nobody to carry him home
Only a hobo, but one more is gone
Does it take much of a man to see his whole life go down,
To look up on the world from a hole in the ground,
To wait for your future like a horse that's gone lame,
To lie in the gutter and die with no name?
Only a hobo, but one more is gone
Leavin' nobody to sing his sad song
Leavin' nobody to carry him home
Only a hobo, but one more is gone
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-01-11 20:09:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-11 19:33:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hash under a glass is excellente
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-01-11 18:52:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2007-01-11 18:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a presentation coming up. I wish I was about being a hobo, and knowing the lecturer assessing it I'd get a higher grade if the slide stuck - especially if it was two guys together.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-01-11 18:48:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-01-11 18:37:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful.