The Fat Trick (690 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.6 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Drew "ajanssen" Janssen (View user info) at 2007-01-15 16:47:02 EST
I was only 16 and worked on the food line as a Quality Assurance Coordinator at the Black-Eyed-Pea. A casual restaurant that served sub-par country type food. Meatloaf, chicken fried steak, pot roast and type of horseshit. My job title was just a fancy name for traying up the food, adding garnishes, dressing, condiments, and maybe a splash of jizm if the diner was lucky enough. I worked the opposite side of the line of all the Mexican cooks and spent a good majority of the night cursing in broken Spanish and threatening to call Immigration on all of them. They lovingly called me "El Chupacabras", the Mexican devil goat that killed livestock and performed forced oral sodomy on the women. I really didn't care for this job and spent a lot of time in the walk-in refrigerator getting into the beer supply and smoking weed to calm my nerves in order to deal with the wetbacks or Cottonmouth Watermexicans as we called them. Worse than a god damn infestation of snakes they were.
That Friday night was extremely hectic. My window was backed up with food trays and my voice was getting hoarse from yelling at the waiters to run it to the tables. We had a new waiter by the name of Robert. He was a fat tub of shit that had been there just a few weeks. Being a fat fuck by nature he was a complete douche bag and extremely lazy. His only job tonight was a designated food runner. He wasn't taking orders or waiting on customers. His sole purpose in life tonight was running the trays of food to the tables and he was doing a piss-poor job at it. I was getting to my breaking point with this job and him in particular so I decided it was time to "shake things up a bit." And by shake things up I mean be a complete fucking asshole and cause problems for the sake of general purpose.
I went to the back of the kitchen to a huge cauldron used to cook green beans or if you were a witch to hover over and cackle while throwing in fucked up ingredients like wart-of-asshole and so on. I fished in it with the ladle and pulled out the huge rectangular chunk of pig blubber used for flavoring. I put it on a dessert plate, smothered it with whipped cream, drizzled chocolate sauce on it, and topped it with a cherry. It actually looked delicious.
When I got back to the front of the kitchen, trays were stacked on top of each other in my window and Robert was leaning on my counter trying to play grab-ass with one of the homely waitresses.
I did what any 16 year old would do and started barking orders at him.
"Robert!!! Yeah, act like you don't see the fucking mountain of trays piling up in the window.I've got 2 irate people at table 37. I've had to get them this dessert comped because they are threatening to call corporate. Now get your finger out of her asshole and get this out to them NOW!! And make sure everything's OK before you leave their table. NOW TAKE THIS AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY PRESENCE!!!!!
Robert scrambled to grab the plate and headed out the double doors. I rounded up a few other waiters/smoking buddies and went to go watch the spectacle. I couldn't hear what was being said but obviously Robert was apologizing for the slow service and handed the elderly husband the "dessert". I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The old man cut a piece off with his fork and stuck it in his mouth. By now I was doubled over in laughter. I knew I should run out and stop this tragedy from occurring but I couldn't. It was like watching an animal being tortured in slow motion.
A look of complete horror came over his face and his eyes widened. His cheeks bulged out as if for a split second he foolishly thought he could keep this warm hog fat down. And then it happened. The hog fat, salmon he ate for dinner, and a large amount of iced tea exploded out of his mouth and onto his ugly fucking wife sitting across from him in the booth. This projectile vomit had some distance. More like Hail Mary vomit. She shrieked and jumped up causing vomit to fling off of her and onto a small child at the table next to them.
Within seconds the dining area had turned upside down. Women were yelling, children were crying, husbands were cursing. I looked at Robert and he was speed mumbling the Lord's Prayer. By now I was sitting on the floor in tears. When things finally calmed down and the vomit was cleaned up our manager took us all in the office. I desperately tried to blame the whole incident on Robert but our manager knew he lacked the brains to plot such devilish scheme. My continued laughter didn't help my case. I was fired on the spot and Robert was written up. I threw my apron in the deep fryer and headed towards the front
door.
As I left I heard the Mexicans cheering and clapping. "Adios, Chupacabras"
"Adios, Cottonmouth Watermexicans........ Adios"
User Reviews
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2007-06-21 17:29:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bwahahahahaha
fucking awesome, sir.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-04-25 10:45:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bueno!
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-01-18 20:20:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If by "wrong" you mean "illegal in 23 states" yes...yes it was wrong.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-01-18 19:09:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
speaking of punky brewster, is it wrong that i impregnated my girlfriend from 200 miles away after looking at this picture?
Submitted by vlf.fata (user info) at 2007-01-16 19:23:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't think it could get anybetter.
Then I saw the picture.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-16 04:33:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the picture alone
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-01-15 22:23:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
another +2 to undo idiocy
"Adios, Chupacabras"
"Adios, Cottonmouth Watermexicans........ Adios"
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-01-15 22:20:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck, sorry, damn scroll mouse
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-01-15 22:19:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
the wetbacks or Cottonmouth Watermexicans as we called them
for that alone, if nothing else...
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-15 22:15:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2007-01-15 20:13:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cottonmouth Watermexicans
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-15 18:24:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<lights up cigarette, nods in agreement>
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-01-15 17:14:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post was really quite amusing, however.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-01-15 17:12:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-01-15 16:55:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
Take your 20,000+ ID and blow it out yer ass, noob.
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That is the stupidest fucking 'burn' infesting this shit heap. Like, mega - lame.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-15 17:12:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For years I've been trying to get people to recognize "Patrick Henry" as the male equivalent of the cameltoe and mooseknuckle.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-15 17:10:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic. I don't know why dickbag over there gave you -2.
I don't know what's better:
""Robert!!! Yeah, act like you don't see the fucking mountain of trays piling up in the window.I've got 2 irate people at table 37. I've had to get them this dessert comped because they are threatening to call corporate. Now get your finger out of her asshole and get this out to them NOW!! "
or the moose knuckle picture.
LOL. Nice.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-01-15 16:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-01-15 16:55:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
Take your 20,000+ ID and blow it out yer ass, noob. I need your input and advice like I need an ass whippin.
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OK, happy to provide either option.
But this did suck, second post notwithstanding.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-01-15 16:55:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Take your 20,000+ ID and blow it out yer ass, noob. I need your input and advice like I need an ass whippin.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-01-15 16:51:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Solamente un poste por día, asspayaso.