Wanking away my Friday nights... (819 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.53 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by T.chow <trcose.at.wisc.edu> (View user info) at 2007-01-16 02:26:50 EST
Kyle has always been a masturbator and we all know it. I'm not worried that he has any psychological or psiological problems. No, it's innoxious enough. He just likes the wanking and doesn't seem to have the capacity to keep it secret. Yes, the roommates and I have all gotten an eyefull (not literally, of course).
It was Friday night in the town of ten thousand bars. It was damn cold, too. I'd been busy performing the bar-night rituals: showering, cologning, teeth-brushing. My socks were of a similar length and color. I tried a couple shirts, the former smellier than the latter. We were running out of beer already, but we'd be on the move soon enough. The night was young. Rock and roll.
I had been gearing up for this particular Friday, playing guitar for an hour and cleaning up my room to make sure everything was just right (optimistic as that may seem). Tonight was to be a most wonderful night.
Anna would be coming along. Anna was a nimble, brunette girl, a friend of a neighbor. I hoped she didn't remember me because when I met her for the first and only time, thus far, I had been under the influence of Wild Turkey and an ex-girlfriend. Not that we interacted too much, but she could probably smell me from across the room. If she did, she didn't say anything.
This Friday was going to be different. I was going to be phisichally and mentally prepared. I ate a good bit of extra-crispy bacon to absorb the inevitable shots and washed it down with Listerine. I stimulated my faculties with the Discovery Channel and cultured my psyche with a half-hour of MTV. I was cleaned, informed and lined with steel.
And then, leaving my room, I saw it.
Now Kyle's and my doors were kiddy-corner to one another at one end of the hallway upstairs and we rarely chose to close them. It worked out this way because we both played guitar and could just face our amplifiers to the wall between us and crank away. Nobody else seem to appreciate this arrangement, but it worked fine for us.
I left my room, guitar in hand, to show Kyle a lick from the new RHCP single. His door was just a crack open. Before I reached out to open it, something inside of me, some voice or instinct stopped me. I peered past the door into the room and froze. Kyle was not playing guitar or watching TV. No. Kyle was not studying dutifully or practicing Taekwondo. He was not painting a fresco and he was not trying his hand at amateur carpentry.
Kyle was masturbating.
Dear God, I was thinking to myself: 'That's his O-Face?!'
No, I'm just kidding. I don't think I was thinking at all; I was a dear in head lights. One dude seeing another naked dude who is unaware that he is being seen will catch you off guard like that, I guess. Not that I've never been on a sports team or to the gym; there was just something unsettling about that situation.
I took a step back and recovered quickly enough. "Jeez, whata dingus! Close your door!" Sufficiently mortified at anyone's complete lack of discretion, I stepped outside for a smoke. My gut curled into a rubber ball in the cold. Man, what a dingus.
I wasn't going to let it bring me down. Tonight was a night of nights.
Anna and our neighbor, Kat, got to our place at about 9:30. Anna radiated a shimmering, refined beauty. She was a princess-angel. We proceeded to pound PBR's, playing card games and exchanging awkward, hormonal remarks.
"Where's Kyle?" she asked.
I almost let it slip there. It was perfectly within our limits of roommate ribbing; but it felt a bit weird when it was true. "Doing his hair, probably." I joked. "Have another four drinks for my four of hearts, Dollface."
"Well, we gotta get going. It's already 10:15. We gotta catch the Drunk Bus." Anna batted her big beautiful eyes at me.
"I'll go check on him." I couldn't endanger the poor girl, could I?
I stood down the hallway at Kyle's door and yelled that he better hurry up or walk. He yelled back that he'd be out in fifteen minutes, sounding short of breathe. That Kyle, once he's set on something, he doesn't give up.
The girls already were wearing coats and hats when I got back downstairs. My heart sunk. It has been statistically proven that arriving to the bars with a girl raises your chances of leaving said bar with said girl by nearly six tenths of a percent.
It's a small percentage to begin with.
"Kyle will be down in a few minutes. You guys want another beer?" I stalled.
"No, we'll meet you there." Anna touched my arm as she spoke and looked into my eyes.
"We'll catch the next Vomit Comet," I whispered. It was a magical moment. We locked eyes.
After they left, I stomped back upstairs and blasted the wall with all the metal shred-guitar I could muster. Fifteen minutes later, Kyle emerged freshly primped and pressed.
"Nice lick, dude."
I just grunted.
Finally at the bar, we eagerly hunted around for the girls and bought a round of beer. The night was rocking. We joked and laughed and generally made a Friday night of it. I popped a dollar into the jukebox and put on Joan Osborne's 'Right Hand Man.' I was feeling good.
Back at the table, I nudged my way in next to Anna. "Hey Anna, what do you think of the new White Stripes album?" I crooned.
"It's sweet. Have you heard the Raconteurs yet? It's Jack White's side project." Anna is awesome.
"Yeah, but his new Gretsch axe isn't quite so cool as that old National." You old dog. Chicks love guitar.
"You play guitar?" She asked.
"For a few years, yeah." I was pretty decent, could handle most of the stuff on the radio.
"Yeah? I play guitar in the University Jazz Ensemble." Did I mention Anna is awesome? We chatted about music and gear for a beer or two, enjoying the night. Then I made a serious miscalculation.
"So what took you so long?" Anna punched my arm as she talked.
"Oh," I joked "Kyle was jacking it."
Have you ever been in a noisy room where everyone seems to end their statement at the same time like the pause in 'November Rain' before Slash rips into the solo? That's exactly how it went down when I replied to Anna's question. I swear, as I loosed that impish little phrase, even the jukebox was between tracks. Everyone within a two table vicinity heard me.
Anna and Kat laughed. I thought I had gotten away with the slip, until I looked at Kyle. He had on an expression I would wager was not unlike the one I had worn about two hours prior: open mouth, wide eyes, a mingled look of wonder and panic. That is to say: a dear caught in head-lights.
Anna looked to Kyle and then back at me. "What, were you watching?" she asked almost rolling off her chair with laughter.
I looked at Anna and back at Kyle, totally thrown off my game. Kyle looked back at me like I was insane, completely oblivious to the joke.
"Dude..." he began and just stopped.
Anna looked at the both of us, laughing. "Hey, there's nothing wrong with that." She joshed.
Kyle laughed, finally grasping the joke. "Yeah, dude. I'm going to have to start charging you." Anna high-fived him.
I tried to retort, but had nothing. "Well, turn down that crappy porno music next time." I muttered. Anna whispered something in Kyle's ear and they laughed. I was completely deflated. The last-call lights flashed. Everything was slipping from my grasp.
"You know, Anna, I play guitar." Kyle informed Anna.
"Really?" She replied.
I never quite recovered from that look on Kyle's face: suspicion, paranoia and fear. Like a cornered animal. It was brief and he shrugged it off, making use of my lapse. Somehow his boorish bedroom baloney bopping had blown up in my face (pun intended). I couldn't get a word in edge-wise and at the end of the night Anna walked out into the frosty air with Kyle's arm around her. The percentages were in his favor.
I walked home by myself, freezing.
I guess this all just goes to show you that if you ever somehow catch a roommate masturbating, it is in your own best interest to stop him immediately. He could very well be wanking away your entire night.
User Reviews
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-05-16 22:12:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
poor you
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-02-12 02:02:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
dude, good story but a few spelling errors that just got to me, sorry.
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2007-02-12 00:39:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE your stuff, man. But I still think you should write an ENTIRE book about NOTHING but...
...SQUIRRELS!!!!!
:) Murphy
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-17 09:11:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, the glorious days of university...
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-01-16 22:30:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I felt sorry enough when I saw that you lived in wisco; then I read this. Poor soul.
Submitted by T.chow (user info) at 2007-01-16 20:40:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hi everybody.
I just realized I used the word 'dear' twice in stead of deer.
It's been a while.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-01-16 20:04:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha did you got to see them fucking as well?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-16 19:39:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
at the end of the night Anna walked out into the frosty air with Kyle's arm around her.
------
that's because he was janxed out - you would have been all over her like a deer in heat...
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-16 17:32:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The masterbator ran away with your girl? !
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-01-16 15:03:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that was gooey good
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2007-01-16 15:01:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
good story
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2007-01-16 05:59:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oldschool uber return alert
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2007-01-16 05:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember you... you used to rock...
Submitted by T.chow (user info) at 2007-01-16 03:09:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's usually how it works.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-01-16 03:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
SO DID HE COME OR WHAT?