Infidelity (483 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.13 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rachel Happy pants (View user info) at 2007-01-17 00:40:59 EST
There is music playing softly in the background, the radio is venting all the feelings of a generation obsessed with booty, pussy and sex. There is a plastic outdoor setting under a cool patio in the midst of summer. There are 6 couples seated around the table, some chatting, some smoking, all are drinking.
They lock eyes briefly over the table, heart rates increase and breathing becomes harder with each glance and each swig of alcohol. He goes to the refrigerator for another beer, lightly brushing his fingers over her bare back. The conversation lulls and all that can be heard is the whine of mosquitos as the sun goes down for the night. Every person around the table is aware of something happening an electricity between the two, but nothing is obvious and nothing is defined.
Four couples arise and descend on the pool table. He is with his partner and she is with hers and they are on opposite sides, but both of them are experiencing the same aching in their groins, the same wanting , the same nervous anticipation made all the more agonizing for the lack of release. He brushes against her and this is almost too much for her, this lightest of all touches brings about an almost orgasmic shudder, beginning in the pit of her stomach down the insides of her thighs. Then the wetness begins.
Needing to hide her blushes, she retreats to the sanctuary of the toilet. Once her breathing and feelings are under control she goes to the bathroom to wash her hands and cool her face. Behind her the door shuts. She looks up into the mirror and sees him behind her. " we can't" are the last words she utters before he becomes part of her.
There is music playing softly in the background, the radio is venting all the feelings of a generation obsessed with booty, pussy and sex. There is a plastic outdoor setting under a cool patio in the midst of summer. There are 6 couples seated around the table, some chatting, some smoking, all are drinking.
They lock eyes briefly over the table, she flushes slightly with shame. The husband feeling the subtle changing of moods in his beloved reaches over and lightly rubs her leg. Instead of the comfort his touch once bought, there is now shame and yet there is also anger. Anger at the intrusion his presence now brings and anger that he now seems like such a fool to her. To let this happen underneath his very nose and to not suspect a thing is almost an unforgivable act to her.
It is now time to leave, the husband and the lover hug, like brothers, like men who share a deep love and respect for each other. She becomes angry once more, this is hypocritical to her now, knowing that full well the respect is one sided even if the love is not.
The same phrase dogs her over and over again on the drive home, will I be found out? will I be found out? will I be found out? will I be found out?
Well will she?
User Reviews
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-01-18 07:30:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thank-you apollo and anansie for some real critisism for once not just err it was shit, show us ya tits fuck off.
the rhetorical question at the end was just pure laziness in the fact i didn't know how to end it and i find a lot of stories on here jsut drag on until im so bored i can't be bothered reading anymore.
thats the problem with all my writing ... i'm lazy.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-01-17 19:49:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-01-17 17:47:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm sure Tuts appreciates the criticism from both angles.
it's something I used to do a lot and used to be one of my main enjoyments of ubersite.
back when it was good of course.
--
I think I signed up on the tail end of the "golden era" or whatever you want to call it.
I do wish more people would critique fiction around here. I've always thought uber was set up near perfectly for online "workshopping." I rarely put anything up here anymore, though, because I'm worried I won't be able to turn it in if I do.
Submitted by swimmingbirdblue (user info) at 2007-01-17 18:51:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-17 15:17:10 (#)
Ranking: -2
Nice display of female logic... it's his fault she is a whore because he didn't notice...
" The husband feeling the subtle changing of moods in his beloved reaches over and lightly rubs her leg. Instead of the comfort his touch once bought, there is now shame and yet there is also anger. Anger at the intrusion his presence now brings and anger that he now seems like such a fool to her. To let this happen underneath his very nose and to not suspect a thing is almost an unforgivable act to her. "
Oh yea it was poorly written too like the others said...
--------
What homer said.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-17 17:48:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I found myself nodding, didn't like the repeated part though, it just reminded of when I lose concentration while reading and have to start from the beginning all over again.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-01-17 17:47:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-01-17 13:25:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
You make valid points, Apollo. When description is done poorly, it is laborious to read and makes you want to stab your own eyes. For me, when it is done well, description is nice, because it puts you in the story. I admit, when description was overdone, even well written novels I've read have come close to making me commit suicide (Portrait of a Lady comes to mind, I wanted to slit my own wrists for entire chapters of that one). I suppose it's all a matter of opinion anyway, yours is as good as mine if not better, since you've probably had more practice writing. I certainly wasn't telling her to describe the alcohol in detail, just small, simple things, like "swig of beam" or whatever she chose. Like I said, it's her choice. I'm just offering my opinion, and saying why I rated it the way I did. It doesn't make my opinion better than anyone else's.
I've been avoiding ubermadness, so I can't really defend or bash it.""
no i see your point and taste is subjective of course.
my opinion really IS better than everyone else's though.
i'm sure Tuts appreciates the criticism from both angles.
it's something I used to do a lot and used to be one of my main enjoyments of ubersite.
back when it was good of course.
But I only used to do it with a few people - shandy/itm/loki etc.
Good times.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-17 15:36:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Four couples arise and descend on the pool table.
-------
I had assumed they were gonna AMPAM right there
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-17 15:17:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Nice display of female logic... it's his fault she is a whore because he didn't notice...
" The husband feeling the subtle changing of moods in his beloved reaches over and lightly rubs her leg. Instead of the comfort his touch once bought, there is now shame and yet there is also anger. Anger at the intrusion his presence now brings and anger that he now seems like such a fool to her. To let this happen underneath his very nose and to not suspect a thing is almost an unforgivable act to her. "
Oh yea it was poorly written too like the others said...
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-01-17 13:25:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You make valid points, Apollo. When description is done poorly, it is laborious to read and makes you want to stab your own eyes. For me, when it is done well, description is nice, because it puts you in the story. I admit, when description was overdone, even well written novels I've read have come close to making me commit suicide (Portrait of a Lady comes to mind, I wanted to slit my own wrists for entire chapters of that one). I suppose it's all a matter of opinion anyway, yours is as good as mine if not better, since you've probably had more practice writing. I certainly wasn't telling her to describe the alcohol in detail, just small, simple things, like "swig of beam" or whatever she chose. Like I said, it's her choice. I'm just offering my opinion, and saying why I rated it the way I did. It doesn't make my opinion better than anyone else's.
I've been avoiding ubermadness, so I can't really defend or bash it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-17 13:24:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't quit your day job.
Unless your day job is writing short stories.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-01-17 13:08:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'd drop the final line too.
people are reading into this wrong.
it's a short piece about a short drunken summer fuck.
the length is perfect - it's not a mills and boon extended version. Who the fuck wants to know what they are drinking for example Anansie?
It's that wordy repetitive bollocks that makes me flinch at the thought of reading any of the ubermadness entries.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-01-17 13:06:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the advice you are being given below is bollocks apart from teh 'shuddring orgasm business'.
the problem with the 'writing' on here is it is overly fucking descriptive.
This worked because it emphasised the rawness.
If anything I would be less descriptive.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-01-17 12:06:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
For instance, what kind of alcohol are they drinking? What songs are on the radio? How is the summer heat affecting the mood? What about the others in the group? Do they add anything to your story, or do they remove focus from the two couples? What about the other man's girlfriend? How are the wife's interactions with her? And don't be shy about the sex. "Becomes a part of her" suggests a bond deeper than sex, to me. If that is the case, perhaps it should be explored. If not, perhaps a rougher, more aggressive phrase should be used.
Your call, though. Ultimately, you can take my advice or leave it.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-01-17 11:59:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Hmmm. This is an honest piece in that the emotions conveyed are realistic. I like that about it. I think the execution is lacking, however. Much of this seems cheesy, with all the "orgasmic shudders" and "aching groins." Because this is a subject that has been explored and re-explored, the vagueness of the piece hinders it. I realize you are trying to create a sketch of life, but I believe more description of the environment and characters might help. You could perhaps consider this a first draft, and go through it, adding details that are unique to this particular situation, fleshing out the descriptions, etc.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2007-01-17 11:49:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"she retreats to the sanctuary of the toilet."
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-01-17 11:25:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this sucked
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-01-17 10:46:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
eh, I thought it was creative.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-17 09:24:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry, but I thought this was awful.
The final line was terrible and the rhetorical questions did nothing but add a sense of childishness to the situation.
I appreciate the attempt but the execution was really bad.
Sorry lass
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2007-01-17 08:03:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this a lot... well, I suppose it seems familiar.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-01-17 02:19:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2007-01-17 01:04:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
women can only get caught cheating if they want to be caught. or are on cheaters.