APW: Carolina Castrato Blues (718 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: apw
Rating: 1.16 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2007-01-17 16:05:35 EST
Holy. Testicle. Tuesda...er, Wednesday:
http://wcbstv.com/national/local_story_363214416.html
Thirty miles south of Raleigh
My girlfriend threw a Christmas party
And everyone was rippin' high
Drunk on contagion and thick liquor
Mixed with eggs and served up even quicker,
We were stranded on an island of fake tits
And soft bodies, some chicks were wearing
Red and white and almost next to nothing,
She said to me "I love the scene but
I don't know the names, everyone's a blur
And they all look the same,"
But then a song came on the radio,
People started singing and
We kissed beneath the mistletoe;
She went upstairs to get sick
When the rum tore up her body,
Some chick came up beside me
Wearing red and white and almost
Next to nothing;
She said to me "I never knew you
Had a girlfriend," and I replied
"Go sell crazy to some other man;"
In truth I knew her well enough
To explain just how she tasted,
I'd fucked her up in Raleigh,
We were young, undone and wasted,
But this was six short weeks ago,
A decision wrong and painful,
So I'd passed it as some bullshit brag,
Told the boys that I'd "gone anal"
Back behind the Checkers in the center
Of the city, they had a laugh and
Forgotten about it all, man,
I was sitting pretty pretty.
Thirty miles from the city
At this Christmas party with hot lights
And bells, my girl sicked down
The stairs again and I descended into hell,
'Cause all the psycho hoodrat
With her Gap jeans and ridiculous eyeliner
Took one look at her and me and then
She screamed out bloody murder,
They say a story's just a story
At least until it turns into a history
Well whoever said that clearly
Never had a freaky ass-sex mystery,
It was thirty seconds of screams and raised arms
Before the hair was pulled and alarms
Went off inside my head -
FUCKINGSHITMANYOUVEHADBOTHGIRLSINBED -
Yeah I'd lied to myself, too, I'd done laid her Up in Raleigh (it was true about the anal
And the Checkers, it was blurred, spit-
Lubed and naughty), and while I pulled them
Apart the big crowd a sweaty mess
Moving to classics and starting to
Undress closed in around me, and that's
When it hit me, man, the caveman shit
Had truly hit the fan as this chick
Spun feral to Bing Crosby's voice
She went straight for my pants with her claws,
Sunk both hands in like needles in
Molasses, snakes in grasses now I'm talkin'
Like fists in pornstars' asses,
Only pointy fists that rip with blood-tipped
Nails, she made me fear for my life
Yeah just like Dragnet's virgin, Connie Swail,
When the nails dug in the first time
I barely even knew, I was busy figuring
Out which one I wanted more to do,
'Cause I was stone up and responsibility
Down, I think if one had offered I'd have
Fucked a circus clown and held her by her
Hoop pants while she worked my seltzer crank,
By the end they'd wind up poop pants but
That's when the fingers sank
Right into my ball boys, the twin nugget
Of my mine, I felt blood inside my boxers,
I knew all that blood was mine, then she
Twisted her ten fingers and I felt my
Heartbeat stop, I could have sworn I heard
A pop and felt a rush as if one ball had
From out my black bush popped, I checked my
Pantsleg quickly, then I focused on the pain,
There was hatred in her scorned eye,
She was spitting out my name,
In my bop bag there was fire, all my babies
Up in smoke, then she really started tugging
And the vomit filled my throat, I tried to
Holler "help me!" but it came out all
In chunks, my vas defrans got all mangled
As in ruin she left my junk, the Cambodian
Did her job right, that Cambodian she paid
To harden up her nails and paint them for
The holiday, with this gook's work in my
Gonads I began to feel the shock, and as it
Overwhelmed my body she kept slashing
'Low my cock, sliced my bag like deli meat,
I could feel the blood and balljuice
Fill my shoes and flood my feet,
She cut but never squeezed them, oh she
Never closed her hand, she just worked up
To the knuckle inside what made me a man,
Past the skin straight to the baby vats
Where I keep my special sauce,
Fellas don't try to score out-of-town anal
Or you'll serve a second boss,
As I passed out, drunk, exhausted,
I heard singing in my ears from a carol
In the corner as I bid my nards goodbye
And for my berries played the one and
Only mourner.
When I came to at the hospital I was
Naked in my shame, I had nowhere there
To greet me, no one there to say my name,
For my friends were still at the party,
Drinking gin and getting laid, I was laid
Up in the ER with the decision that I'd made,
And as I pulled up the gownline to inspect
The damage done I thought back to that Checkers
And how I could smell her bung when I, in time,
Extracted the soft inches that were mine, I should
Have known then she was trouble that girl
Didn't wash her damn behind, yeah the clean
Girls they ain't trouble, there the ones to
Treat you right, no they won't malign your testicles
At your girlfriend's house at night,
My astounded eyes bore witness to the stitches
In my sack, I didn't care that there were 50,
I was glad my nuts were back;
Take my girlfriend and my dignity, take it
All so long as I have my eggs back in their basket
And I won't sans-beanbag die.
With my head cleaned out and sober I was
Talking to the cops, they gave me handshakes,
Hugs and backpats while I turned my head and
Coughed, seems that jacking up the huevos
Only costs you $50K, and ten percent of that's
Five thousand, that, my friends, is fucking gay.
Still a man I celebrated, the only sane way
I knew how, I rolled out thirty miles to Raleigh
To find some psycho hoodrat and do her
In the rear, I'm talkin buttsecks,
Down and dirty, dirty five thirty,
Janxy-judy, fresh and fruity,
Do her behind some Raleigh Taco Bell.
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-21 06:39:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some women are evil. And some men are crazy. Crazy with no balls. No idea why this video was on Comcast today when the only print version I found was posted in 2005, but it's just as relevant.
"Geoff Huish, 26, was so convinced England would win Saturday's match he told fellow drinkers at a social club, "If Wales win I'll cut my balls off", the paper said on Tuesday.
Friends at the club in Caerphilly, south Wales, thought he was joking.
But after the game Huish went home, severed his testicles with a knife, and walked 200 metres back to the bar with the testicles to show the shocked drinkers what he had done.
Huish was taken to hospital where he remained in a seriously ill condition, the paper said. Police told the paper he had a history of mental problems."
Yeah.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-18 09:48:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
NO METHOD I WILL NOT OPEN MOUTH KISS YOU AT THE LOCAL WALGREENS
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-01-18 09:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
COULD YOU BLOW ME WHERE THE PAMPERS IS
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2007-01-18 09:32:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
MAN! That blew chunks~~ at the end I mean. {I suppose you were rushed?} NNTA: "No Need To Answer." ~ I heard as much from you on the Oregon Trail post as I ever want to. Yikes.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-18 09:09:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AIIIEEYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-18 07:25:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe you just got him to hail like that. It took months of carefully placed reviews and polygamous promises and personal attention before I saw the light. He must be really easy.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-18 00:18:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Given a ticket for "failure to hail" below.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-18 00:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I SAID RECO'NIZE MOTHERFUCKERS.
I'm O-U-T.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2007-01-18 00:14:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hail!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-18 00:13:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Just working the crowd for more reviews is all.
By reading this you have worshipped the Orgasmatron. All hail.
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2007-01-18 00:13:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Jesus, people, concentrate.
I can't keep up with this schizophrenic post-camping.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-18 00:10:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
EW. Neeya please.
It's ALL about the l-the-i-the-s-the-h-the-y, yo
Betta reco'nize or off the front page u gizzo
Now Imma peace to my bizz-ed, O
YOU KNOW.
WORD.
See?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-18 00:03:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sure let's make it about you here.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-18 00:00:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT'S what we need. A rap contest. I gots mad skillz for a white girl.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-01-17 23:50:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-17 23:49:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wanted to do a reading of this, actually, because a lot of the lines don't read the same way I'd expect them to sound when spoken. Bygones...
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2007-01-17 23:47:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This reminded me of rap.
Kinda.
Sunk both hands in like needles in
Molasses, snakes in grasses now I'm talkin'
Like fists in pornstars' asses
Vanilla Ice, maybe?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-17 22:23:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-17 22:14:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-17 19:17:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-17 19:12:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
This looked long.
---
I have a feeling you've never been told that before.
Would you believe I KNEW you were going to say that- exactly, to the word?
You should.
---
Shlong, you work in The Obvious and The Predictable the way other men work in oils or watercolors. I did it for your sake.
Lick me, Willow.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-17 22:14:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-17 19:17:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-17 19:12:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
This looked long.
---
I have a feeling you've never been told that before.
Would you believe I KNEW you were going to say that- exactly, to the word?
You should.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-01-17 21:01:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok... I read the poem without clicking that link. Here's another point for the link because I've actually been to lillington. Bumfuck, I tell you.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-01-17 20:55:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-17 19:15:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-17 18:22:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
i am unhappy with the psycho female penchant for attacking man junk. can't they just punch us in the face or stab us?
---
Seriously. You don't see us ripping off their labia, biting off their nipples or giving them a haymaker to the box. We men may be many things, but savages we are not.
Like Neptune, we respect the clam.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I NEVER go for the junk on purpose. Well, I did once, but only because the guy in question seemed to be actively trying to suffocate me.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-17 20:34:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So, now the review clock is timed down to seconds? Whoa.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-17 19:17:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-17 19:12:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
This looked long.
---
I have a feeling you've never been told that before.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-17 19:15:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-17 18:22:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
i am unhappy with the psycho female penchant for attacking man junk. can't they just punch us in the face or stab us?
---
Seriously. You don't see us ripping off their labia, biting off their nipples or giving them a haymaker to the box. We men may be many things, but savages we are not.
Like Neptune, we respect the clam.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-17 19:14:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-17 18:18:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
The Virgin Connie Swail!
---
"My hat was in that car."
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-17 19:12:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This looked long.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2007-01-17 18:36:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://youtube.com/watch?v=rP5WSs0LDXU
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-17 18:22:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i am unhappy with the psycho female penchant for attacking man junk. can't they just punch us in the face or stab us?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-17 18:18:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Virgin Connie Swail!
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-17 18:04:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-17 16:52:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Remember, as long as our balls don't touch it's not GAY
-----------
What the fuck?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-17 17:36:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-01-17 17:21:43 (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 no mention of the ozone layer
---
To that I offer - "And everyone was rippin' high/Drunk on contagion and thick liquor" and "She went upstairs to get sick/When the rum tore up her body"
See the narrator's girlfriend, and the partygoers in general, serve as a representation of the ozone layer. America's youth is constantly threatened by alcohol, nicotene and drugs, much like our threatened, invisible shield in the atmosphere is savaged by aerosols and CFCs.
As the girlfriend gets sick after too much exposure, so, too, does the ozone layer find itself lessened.
Do I have to explain everything to you people?
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-01-17 17:21:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 no mention of the ozone layer
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-01-17 17:18:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Menstruation
-2 Taco Bell (E. Coli)
+2 No Colostomy Bag Carla
-2 Painful Anal
+2 Fag with glasses.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-17 16:52:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Remember, as long as our balls don't touch it's not GAY
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-01-17 16:50:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
um.
eww.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-17 16:15:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...
...
There are just no hallmark cards for occasions such as these.
But all is not lost- she didn't rob you of your oral tricks, so we can still hang out.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-17 16:12:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-01-17 16:09:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
SPECIAL PRICE, JUST FOR YOU MY FRIEND
---
I will pay you in submissive men.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-17 16:11:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-01-17 16:08:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
is there any non-malicious castration?
---
Potentially Legitimate Answer: "Perhaps only the 'chemical castration' that's brought up during discussions on how to handle sex offenders."
Bullshit Posturing Answer: "Only in the case of italian boys with hopes of becoming famous singers, or for any living males in the Shlongy/Kaelic/Caulaincort/Blitzkrieg_Bob family line."
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-01-17 16:09:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
SPECIAL PRICE, JUST FOR YOU MY FRIEND
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-17 16:09:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-01-17 16:07:11 (#)
Ranking: -2
SMOOCHES LOVER
---
I'm interested in a pendant. You give me good price, yes?
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-01-17 16:08:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is there any non-malicious castration?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-01-17 16:07:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
SMOOCHES LOVER
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-17 16:06:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 on the link alone. Is "malicious castration" an official charge within the NC State penal code...?? (pun intended)
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-01-17 16:06:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Auto poetry -2