How and Why I quit my job (916 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.59 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dacin Adams <Dacin0828.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2007-01-18 11:26:25 EST
12-22-06
9:00 pm
I wake up to the harsh buzz of my alarm clock and immediately wish I hadn't. Stomach acid gargles up my throat as my intestines clench. Oh god I need to get to a bathroom. Food poisoning. I'm never eating Domino's again. I reach over and start the shower while I'm sitting. Today is going to suck at work and I moan. I contemplate calling in sick, but I'm the graveyard guy at a short handed hotel. No one would replace me. I fight my gorge and take a shower.
11:00
I start my shift. Nick, my co worker tells me it's going to be a slow night because he already did most of the work. Fuck you Nick. You don't do jack shit but sit on the computer. You're one of those damn assholes who only works when management is here and it's the weekend, so you sat on your ass most of the day. You damn motherfucking piece of shit employee who I wish would get fired so you wouldn't have to be so goddamn useless all the-------yeah. I'm sick. Seems that whenever I'm sick, my brain cuts through the physical misery with every combination of curse words it can think up. Just go home so I can sit back with my monster energy drink and suffer out these 8 hours.
1:00
I've checked in 3 people and sat down and moaned with my head in my hands for the last two hours. I've almost thrown up twice and gone to the bathroom more times than I care to remember. So far the night can be perfectly summed up in the word: Ugh. The energy drink feels like slime in the back of my throat and isn't helping the bile in my chest at all. I start cursing my job and the shit management that doesn't have anyone who could relieve me. 6 more hours to go. Just 6 more hours and I can go home and sleep. Thank god. My body feels trembly and weak and ultimately miserable.
2:15
I'm in the middle of the audit work I do on the night shift when I have to go to the bathroom. BAD. I race to the back office and make it to the employee restroom just in time. Never ever again will I eat Domino's pizza. I let out the sound of an animal in its death throes and hang my head between my legs.
That's when the smell hit my waiting nostrils.
It was rancid. It was rotten. It was coming out of my body in a flood that felt like I was pissing out of my ass. I hiccupped. I felt saliva flooding into my mouth and my stomach clenched. Bile rose up to the back of my nasal cavities and burned my throat as my body protested the food from both ends. I closed my eyes tight and wished for it to be over.
Oh no. Oh fuck what have I done? I have just vomited into the open crotch of my boxers and my slacks.
My mind starts to panic. Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit. I immediately forget my stomach's queasy aim to regain a normal state and stare into the congealing mess in the damn middle of all the clothes that cover the lower half of my body.
WhatdoIdonowWhatdoIdonowWhatdoIdonowWhatdoIdonowWhatdoIdonowWhatdoIdonowWhatdoIdonowWhatdoIdonowWhatdoIdonowWhatdoIdonowWhatdoIdonowWhatdoIdonowWhatdoIdonowWhatdoIdonow
I sit for about another minute as the combined stenches slowly waft around the bathroom before the Circuit Breaker flips.
Everyone has a Circuit Breaker in their minds. It's the one that says "Fuck it. Fuck the panic and come up with something useful you pussy." I think it's akin to fight or flight, but it's a calming, calculating look at your situation and how you can get out of it with minimal losses. You know your pride and dignity are going to take a hit, the only question left is how much of a hit.
I reach around the crotch of my slacks and untie my boots, gingerly removing them so I don't move as much as possible. Clad in my socks, I ease my legs out of my pants and boxers, careful not to get anything more on me than there already is. With that done, I close up the waistband and deposit the whole mess into the trash can. Then I wipe myself with toilet paper and clean off any offending mess on my legs.
At this moment, I am wearing a white button down shirt, a tie, and I'm naked from the waist down except for a pair of hanes tube socks. I walk out of the small bathroom to the cabinet where we keep extra guest supplies and take a large towel and wrap it around myself. I flush the toilet and walk out of the hotel for the last time at exactly 2:27 am, leaving my pants in the tiny bathroom trashcan, and my audit work half done and the front desk completely unmanned with the lobby locked up until 7:00 the next morning. I didn't call anyone to tell them the situation, but I left a note saying that I quit. I am quite aware that I was on camera the entire time I was walking out the front door, wrapped in one of the hotel's towels. I got into my car and drove home and have never gone back.
The next day I got 4 calls on my cell phone which I didn't answer. My final check was mailed to me.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-19 14:39:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Party on Wayne! Party on Garth!
Submitted by Hagard (user info) at 2007-01-19 10:52:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good times
Wait what the fuck am I thinking, GREAT TIMES!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-01-19 09:01:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2007-01-19 08:14:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I work for a hotel.
I would pay my weight in gold for something like this to happen......
Awesome
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2007-01-19 01:42:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Started off slow but good job on the ending.
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2007-01-19 01:29:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2007-01-18 18:40:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
did it not occur to you to simply sit at the desk naked from the waist down. nobody would see.
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-01-18 21:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I hope that didn't really happen.
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2007-01-18 18:40:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 Hershey Highway.
+1 for wearing it.
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2007-01-18 18:40:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
did it not occur to you to simply sit at the desk naked from the waist down. nobody would see.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-18 17:02:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To this I say: "Oh, my damn."
The 'lit matches coming out of the ass' thing is never, especially if it's coupled with a personal protein spill. A friend of mine in college did that and then asked me to help clean it up. I kicked his drunk ass back in the dorm bathroom and told him to do it himself.
I don't care how much I like you, I'm not cleaning up and Extra Value Meal of your feces and vomit.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-18 15:14:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2007-01-18 14:38:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm getting hungry.
Submitted by Comfortably_Numb (user info) at 2007-01-18 14:19:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate pissing out of my ass.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-01-18 13:48:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Get the video, make it a vidwhore.
You'll pull *so* much tail.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-01-18 13:04:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
kinda anticlimatic
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-01-18 12:29:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
not really very much oomph in this thing
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2007-01-18 12:27:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2007-01-18 12:12:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm not sure how bad Dominos correlates with your job and making you quit, but way to go?
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-01-18 12:06:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-01-18 12:06:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You poor bastard. I thought you said you were in high school before. That must have been someone else. Either way, I don't think they could have fired you if you'd had a doctor's note. That definitely sounds like something you want to go to the doctor for. Poor, poor bastard.
Submitted by RPharazon (user info) at 2007-01-18 12:00:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've seen too many of these "So sick that I throw up/shit on my boxers" stories, but I'll give you a +2 for the hell of it.
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2007-01-18 11:56:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thoroughly enjoyed this
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-01-18 11:43:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I forgot to rate, and....
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"Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-18 11:36:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
i hate that pissing out your ass sensation. i'm sorry i called your sister a tranny."
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It's called POMA. Or assplosion.
Poor dude.
Party on.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-18 11:36:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i hate that pissing out your ass sensation. i'm sorry i called your sister a tranny.
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2007-01-18 11:35:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why did you post this around lunch time? I don't care what time zone YOU are in- somewhere, someone is eating. Someone is eating Domino's and reading this, poor bastard.
Sorry bout your job, man. Pizza always makes me feel better when I'm bummed out.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-01-18 11:32:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Strange white space in the middle. Hmmmm.
Sucks to be you though. Good call on the Domino's, that shit's nasty.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-01-18 11:30:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!