What to do if you miss The Rapture... (709 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.17 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RamJetMax <Red4DSC.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-01-18 16:36:22 EST
Here is what YOU should do if you find yourself left on this earth after your Christian loved ones and relatives have been caught off this earth!
1. Don't panic. You were going to Hell anyway, and you never panicked then.
2. Whatever you do, DON"T TAKE ANY MARKS OR PRINTS IN YOUR FOREHEAD OR ON YOUR HANDS. This will not only give you LEPROSY eventually, but it will also guarantee you an eternity in the Lake of Fire.
3. Start working your way to Heaven immediately. Now that the Rapture is over, there is no more salvation by grace through faith, and you will be given an opportunity to show what a really fine moral character you are. Get to work.
4. Look out for anyone connected with City of Seven Hills who comes to you with two fingers (the sign of the bowman) and comes to you "in the name of Christ."
5. Die as a martyr. You have never been a fanatic about anything in your life, perhaps, unless it was sex, money, sports, or education. Your only chance of being saved AFTER the Rapture is either to starve to death or get your HEAD CUT OFF. Take your choice.
>>>>>
Yesterday I received a bad hair cut, for a variety of reasons...
For reasons incidental to this story, I was on the University of Minnesota campus recently looking to get a hair cut. I wander into the Great Clips at Harvard St. and University Ave. and drop my name at the end of a 30-minute que. As I sat there in the lobby waiting for my turn, I notice a small barber shop across the street called Harvard Barbers.
I stroll in, delighted to find there is not a waiting line. This fine establishment was solely occupied by Jake, the lone barber and owner. Jake is a 60 years old Silver Fox, sporting a University of Minnesota t-shirt with a gold chain. With not a moment to lose I happily sit in Jake's chair as he asks me how I like my hair cut. With the first 30 seconds of my hair cut, I learn two very important things:
First, Jake learned to cut hair in the military. The first day he ever cut someones hair, it was to be repeated 80 times in the same day, pursuant to the parameters of the United States Government. "Blended up and just trimmed at the top" really did not mean anything. Asking me how I liked my hair cut was simply a formality; a pleasantry of sorts. To give you an idea of how short all of my hair is, this morning my wife was singing "I'm in the Army now!" as I headed toward the shower.
The second thing I learned is that Jake, after living a life as an all-consuming Bad Ass "back in his day", his mother's prayers, prayers from a powerful Bible-believing Southern Baptist woman, were finally answered and Jake became a believer. He eventually attended seminary in Florida to live the life of a preacher and successfully lead a church in northern Minnesota for many years when Jesus (read; JEEEEEEEE-SUSSSSSSSSSSS) called him back to the U of M to share the Good News. Ever since then he has been cuttin' hair, passin' out tracks, and savin' souls. He was cruising through his well-rehearsed salvation script as fast as the clippers were buzzing through my hair.
Half way through my G.I. Joe cut, I finally get in a word in that I am, in fact, a Christan.
*Brief Pause*
*Insert Track 2*
*Hit Play*
"Good!" Jake exclaims. He goes on to tell me he has some material he wants to give me that I can use to share the Truth with my non-believing friends and family; material he has used to "save more soles than you can shake a stick at." Including a If You Miss The Rapture Survival Guide, just in case I might have my theology wrong.
Thanks Jake, I'll keep that handy.
User Reviews
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-01-29 22:05:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is just scary.
Submitted by mitchmarron (user info) at 2007-01-19 16:40:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
According to that picture, Satan definitely works out.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-19 12:04:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Religion blows.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-01-19 10:04:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, just... wow. I've always wondered what to do after the Rapture. Except, I figure it this way. If the rapture occurs, then God takes his favorite 4 million off the planet and forsakes everyone else. Therefore, should everyone who is left forsake God right back and join up with the devil? Besides, if everyone joins up with the devil, armageddon can't happen since everyone will be on the same side. Except of course for the muslims, they'd probably still be pissed about some thing or another.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-01-19 09:24:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha....
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-01-19 09:19:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
when i was a teenager, i was going to this baptist church where everyone was completely insane. why would i do that, you ask? DUH, there was a girl there i wanted to bang. eventually i would get in her sweet, sweet panties, but that was probably the most shit i ever went through for some pussy. now that i'm older, i don't even try. i usually don't have to with these looks, though. ZING!
anyway, the day i walked out of there was the day they started talking about the rapture. i got up and everyone was like, "where are you going, Andrew? is something wrong?" because i had a look of disgust on my face. i replied "i understand the rest of this stuff, love your fellow man and all, but this rapture stuff is just too much. you people are FUCKING NUTS." and i never went back.
ironically, once i did that, all the girls there wanted to fuck me because i was the "badboy". i wish i would have known that sooner instead of spending all that time pretending i loved jesus...
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-01-19 09:18:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
auto 'you are a christian' -2.
If you believe in God/Jesus you are just as retarded as the guy handing this out.
I had a taxi driver the other day who was a jehovas witness - he started drivelling on and I cut him off and said 'i don't believe in all that crap'.
He started blubbing on about my 'soul'.
Stupid fucking beaner.
t
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-01-19 09:09:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
4 million people, eh? that's all there is on this rock that make it out? god is a dick!
oh no! he knows i just typed that! FUCK!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-19 08:52:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-01-18 17:17:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have always thought that the baptists were the biggest fanatics and extremists in the world, and this just reaffirms that.
that being said I beleive in Jesus and God, but the nice ones
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-01-19 04:50:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it. I think I'm fucked.
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-01-18 21:01:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-01-18 17:45:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If made up religious superstition is real, I'll REALLY need that pamphlet.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-01-18 17:35:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Seriously? My sister used to hang out around Coffman all the time.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2007-01-18 17:31:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-01-18 17:23:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Like the story, love the tract, but what put you over the top was the location. I work 20 minutes from the U of M campus.
>>>
True story, stop by sometime. Just east of Coffman Union on University.
Submitted by Doogsterville (user info) at 2007-01-18 17:28:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, I was worried there for a second. Only 4 million are gonna die?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-01-18 17:23:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Like the story, love the tract, but what put you over the top was the location. I work 20 minutes from the U of M campus.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-01-18 17:17:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have always thought that the baptists were the biggest fanatics and extremists in the world, and this just reaffirms that.
that being said I beleive in Jesus and God, but the nice ones
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2007-01-18 17:16:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hates me peoples like Jake.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-01-18 17:14:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Kinda entertaining.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-01-18 17:03:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
RAP?
sure.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-18 16:55:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The Rapture will be performing at the The Club at Firestone in Orlando on 1.25
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-18 16:54:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
SLACkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-01-18 16:50:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The Rapture occurred in 1980. You non-believers didn't even notice, but it's track 8 on Blondie's Autoamerican album.
SAVED, bitches!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-01-18 16:46:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i thought you were a chick until you mentioned that you have a wife.
wait, are u gay chick?
no offense really.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-01-18 16:46:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
why did you post them at the beginning and at the end? why not just leave off the first posting of them?
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-01-18 16:41:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ummmm wow