Safe and Secure -Or- The Remora - Part 11: Overheated (269 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Erosion Roolz (View user info) at 2007-01-19 13:38:09 EST
Part 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/87398
Part 2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/87495
Part 3: http://www.ubersite.com/m/87784
Part 4: http://www.ubersite.com/m/87928
Part 5: http://www.ubersite.com/m/88053
Part 6: http://www.ubersite.com/m/88338
Part 7: http://www.ubersite.com/m/90037
Part 8: http://www.ubersite.com/m/90759
Part 9: http://www.ubersite.com/m/94484
Part 10: http://www.ubersite.com/m/94741
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So here goes. I'm sitting at a public computer, completely unprepared to write. I suppose that's one of the best ways to flow. If I have some bad writing here, I guess I'll just have to deal with that. The rest of the installments thus far were all written when I was very, VERY drunk. Now, sober in a library, I shall try my hand at writing once more, try to kick this mental block.
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This Caravan, a shitty piece of machinery at best. It overheated fourtteen times in what should have been a one hour drive out of Wisconsin. Sure, we didn't have a driver, but I had grown a beard.
That's one thing about me. Without facial hair, I look fourteen. With a beard, I look like someone's dad. So it appeared to be a father driving his fat ass son around the country in a shitty, overheating minivan that breaks down, and requires that scum-water from any drainage ditch we passed pumped continuously into its radiator.
I had begun to grow thankful for my anonymity again. In this sort of situation, who wants to be noticed? This stock face of mine is perfect for escaping anything. Last week, I was seen in Kissimee, Florida. A couple days later, I was seen in Alberta, Canada. Someone reported me in Texas on Friday, and just yesterday, I was seen on a cruise ship in the Bahamas. A Disney cruise ship, no less. I'm everywhere, and I'm nowhere. Blended into a world of my own face.
Luckily, all of these poor fucks had no facial hair. And at least half were too young for a driver's license. Absolutely all of them had rock solid alibis, mostly being that they were in the places they were found. It was completely ludicrous, but apparently someone in authority had a real stick up their ass over this one.
The cops Thane killed still weighed heavily on my mind. My dreams, every night, I was back in Pennsylvania, seeing that guy, Flynn, begging for his life one second, the next his head was inside out all over the pavement in the parking lot of that truck stop. In Duncannon, seeing the local cops sheared down by Thane's gunfire. Tumbling down that hill...
It's all becoming too much. Tonight, I sleep in the van, maybe leave Thane behind with his heroin and be done with it.
No, that won't do. The only way to deal with this is drag him where he was headed in the first place, kill him, and kill whoever decided it was a good idea to employ this fucking whack job.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-01-20 03:23:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-01-19 17:38:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I meant part 12.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-01-19 17:37:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, this was interesting enough to get me to go back and read all the previous 1,321 parts to this story, course this is the only part I'll bother reviewing.
All in all, not too bad. The story reads well, if not a bit too quickly. Your main character has gone from an ordinary, nondiscript guy to ruthless killer with very little explanation. His motivation for taking over the drug run is weak. Self-preservation would get you to go along with something like that, but probably not lead it. The Bulldog murder was also not sufficiently motivated. Self-interest is motivation but it is also in direct opposition to the leach/remora thing you developed with Connor in the first few parts. Same goes for the killing of the Canadian, probably more so since it seems he killed her just because she was pissing him off. It's not bad to have a character say one thing and do another, but if you don't give us more insight into him, he's not conflicted, he just doesn't make any sense.
Like I said, you have the beginnings of a good story here, it could use some fleshing out though. You mentioned that you wrote the previous installments while drunk. I think it would be worth it to back to them sober and develope things a bit more. Having said all that, I'll probably read part 13 when you post it.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-01-19 17:09:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read it . Gotta read more from you !
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-19 16:56:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn dude, i felt bad that nobody had reviewed this yet.
it IS Friday, but still...
i didn't read it. have this 2 anyway.