Bladeraver (pt1) (690 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.36 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tactile Ire (View user info) at 2007-01-23 04:13:25 EST
Hunter peered around a gigatree root. His breath came in ragged gasps. Sweat and tears streamed
down his face. He gripped his father's sword. His hands were slick with perspiration and shaky
with fatigue. The steelwood sword weighed him down but he refused to abandon the weapon, no
matter how useless he knew it to be. Mants could not be fought with a blade. It took the searing
heat of a flamepole to drive the creatures back. He'd heard Ramoon hold forth on these matters
many times. A greatly skilled bladesman might defeat three or even four of the lightening-fast,
waist-high chitins before the rest of the column tore him to pieces. This man-child, fourteen
moons old, considered himself to be no blademaster.
He scanned the Dreamingveldt around him - senses pricked to the slightest variation in the
uberforest's rhythms. Nearly a mile above him the branches of the g'tree soughed in a wind that
would never touch the forest floor. The rumbling call of a howler echoed through the cavernous
space under the canopy. All about him the megarhythms continued unconcerned with the tribulations
of the tiny creatures that lived and fought on the deep loam.
Nothing stirred here on the forest floor.
The boy darted quick glances left and right before scurrying back from the head-high wall of
living timber. He had been trying to circle back to the emergency alcofuel dump. Such had been
Father's clear instruction during their disaster planning sessions. He wasn't having any success.
Every time he tried switching back towards the steading he came up against mant columns. The
loathsome creatures scuttled in orderly chaos, heaving in vast numbers at every access point to
his family's holding. He'd been forced further and further from his goal until now he was moving
at a ground-eating pace away from home, hearth and hope. Heading deeper into despair and deeper
into the Dreamingveldt. If this kept up, nightfall would find him deeper into the wilds than he'd
ever been.
His roiling thoughts were brought short by the rustling scratch of hundreds of carapaced
feet. With no time to plan and little to react he scanned the ground around him. The sun dappled
loam was littered with mouldering clothleaf - broad, tough plates of vegetation from which men
took the fibres they needed for weaving. Stabbing with the sword, he levered one of the leaf
mounds up and ducked under. The weight settled oppressively on his prone body and he wriggled
deeper into the soft soil to allow himself breathing space.
The scrithing steps drew closer. He smelled the distinctive bite of formaldehyde and formic acid.
Mant spoor. They must be right on top of his position. He tried to make himself as small as he
could. His best chance lay in being still. He tried to control the shaking of his limbs. Fighting
through exhaustion and emotion he reached for the warrior's still centre, but the calm and focused
state would not come. His anguish and terror kept building in his chest. The enforced inactivity
made him feel as if about to burst or choke or just scream from repressed tension.
As the mants ripped his fragile cover away it was almost a relief to be scrambling on all fours
across the soft ground, near mindless with fear and horror. The ugly, squat creatures swarmed
forward, feelers oscillating wildly, pincer mouths closing, opening in cruel anticipation.
They were on him. Swarming bodies blocking out the light. Their stench filling his nostrils,
causing his gorge to rise.
User Reviews
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-09-17 12:47:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Draco (user info) at 2007-04-03 11:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty sweet I guess
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2007-03-29 20:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been waiting until I had the time to really read these carefully to start on this series. Right from this first chapter you've made me want to read more! Great stuff.
Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-14 17:59:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-03-11 22:16:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 obstinate.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-02-22 09:07:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just printed all these out and read them on the loo at work. This is really a fantastic story! Please keep it up.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-07 06:35:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well done, I felt the panic.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-07 03:11:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll be back when I have more time, to read and rate.
Submitted by Snare (user info) at 2007-01-25 02:39:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Bubba!
Thanks for the feedback.
See I've been told that when we read, we comprehend sentence by sentence, so that your reader will 'spool' and hold your words up until they see a full-stop/period, and that this means that if you want to create a punchy, action driven missive, or if you want to help the reader comprehend by reducing the drain on the ol' brain matter, then look for extensions of sentence structure and weed those puppy's out.
Use short sentences.
And, as you can see from above, I have a natural tendency towards run-on sentences that ,maybe, I'm overcompensating for.
Thanks for the constructive criticism (the rarest and bestest kind.) Gives me something to think on...
Hey ROB!
Thanks for the support...
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-01-24 21:49:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
me likey.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2007-01-24 15:09:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This seems on the verge of drowning in its own thick lore.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-01-24 08:32:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
One short sentence after another takes away from the flow of the piece and makes it difficult to read. Some editing/rewriting would make this very good.
Submitted by kaioken (user info) at 2007-01-23 20:01:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2007-01-23 04:24:32 (#)
Ranking: 1
Your writing is like drugs. I'm not sure if I should read it, doing so makes me confused, and when I'm done I'm not sure whether I'm going to come back for more... but I feel somehow satisfied.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-01-23 19:43:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it, but it needed a little more kick... some better formatting might have made it easier as well. I like your username.
Submitted by swimmingbirdblue (user info) at 2007-01-23 18:55:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A bit ham-handed on the overly descriptive nuances.
Otherwise good.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-23 18:07:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Reminds me of Greenworld - awesome book
Submitted by Snare (user info) at 2007-01-23 17:37:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the feedback.
If you like this hook, stay tuned, and tell your mates.
there's more to come....
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2007-01-23 17:04:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:08:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting...but LOTS of strange words all at once. You might want to pace them out a little bit, it's a lot to take in all at once.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-01-23 08:59:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-23 04:45:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It felt like Warcraft. Therefore I can't rate positvely.
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2007-01-23 04:24:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Your writing is like drugs. I'm not sure if I should read it, doing so makes me confused, and when I'm done I'm not sure whether I'm going to come back for more... but I feel somehow satisfied.