Excellent thanks, and how are you? Almost dying, Norwalk virus, and blueberry juice (1160 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.94 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (View user info) at 2007-01-23 15:53:48 EST
Well hey Uber, it's been a while. MyNameIsTim here. I'm doing well. How's by you?
I know I haven't been around in a while, I got a sweet new job, one which I've long considered my dream job, and it just kicks all sorts of ass. Fun, easy, sweet people, large quantities of cashish. Living in Boston. No more New Jersey. Not much to complain about.
Yeah, life's pretty sweet...
Except for the almost dying thing...yeah, that kind of sucked. I went skiing in Vermont last weekend, and when I came back sunday morning, it was snowing pretty good. Shortly after getting on the highway, I turned off 4wd on the truck, ('05 Tacoma double cab) since the right lane (which I was traveling in) was just wet. The left lane was slushy, and the sides of the road were snow covered. Just so you know.
I was doing about 60, the same speed as the car in front of me, same speed as the car behind me. Not too fast, not too I-don't-know-how-to-drive-in-the-snow-ish. Speaking of driving in the snow, I grew up in New England, making snowmen, doing donuts in parking lots, saying things like "cah," and learning how to drive in the snow.
You spend your whole life doing donuts in parking lots, learning how to catch skids and spins, and how to not turn off 4WD when you need it.
Yet when it came down to it, I did everything wrong. I come off the gas, apparently a little too quickly, and find myself drifting a little sideways to the left. Rather than hammer the clutch, and gently steering the wheel in the direction i want the front end of the car to continue moving, like a 16 year old girl i jack the brakes and spin the wheel hard to the right.
Needless to say, when the tires finally found traction, I find myself in a rather vicious spin, now pointing rather off the road, directly towards a rather small ditch and a rather large rock wall just off the highway. At this point, no amount of clutch or brake will make a difference, but I have both buried anyway, and in an odd moment of clarity, I find myself facing the fact that I'm probably going to die.
Even with airbags and a skull that's 2 inches thick, people don't survive 60mph accidents with huge solid pieces of granite. I'm dead.
I think the ass-end of my truck hit first, because it got the most damage. I don't remember what happened between the first impact and climbing out of the truck; I'm not sure if it was due to the concussion, or due to the fact that my eyes were closed and i was screaming "jesus cunt loving fuck" like a potty mouthed little girl.
I call 911, they say they'll send the 50s, and then a car stops, and the guy inside asks me if I'm OK. I think so, but i'm not sure. The guy asks me if i want to wait in his car until the cops get there, which i am freaking thrilled about, since it's about 20 degrees outside, and my jacket's buried under a mess of twisted steel.
The guy's buick is pretty warm, and i'm pretty happy i'm not dead. Until the guy introduces himself. "Hi, I'm Paul. Now would probably be a good time to give you this." <hands me a jehova witness flyer. "have you thought about where you would have gone if you had died?"
"I'm pretty sure for a long dirt nap"
So after 15 minutes of Paul's you're-gonna-burn-sinner! style preaching, the cop finally showed up. Car gets towed, friends come and pick me up, and all in all, i'm ok. I go to the hospital the next day, find out i have a concussion and a few pulled muscles, but overall, nothing serious.
So that was last weekend. This weekend, the pats lost to Mr Douchebag extrodinaire himself, and I got sick. During the game I feel a bit queasy, and have a few bigger-than-normal shits. Not sure if it was because of how well Babynuts Manning was playing, or the 10 warm cocktail shrimp i ate, or something else. Sunday night I can't sleep, largely because of the fact that i'm in the bathroom blowing unheard of amounts of diarrhea out my ass.
Monday too. And monday night. And today. Pretty solid case of narovirus. AKA Norwalk virus, viral gastroenteritis, "stomach flu," and a whole bunch of other names. The thing thats all over the news because everyone's throwing up and having epic diarrhea.
So i've got that going for me, which is nice. But i've been drinking lots of blueberry juice. (who ever knew such a thing existed?) Not only is it awesomely delicious, but it makes your poop green and painless. Or in my case, it makes my butt-pee green, and the ensuing delicate blotting of the asshole less pain-filled. Needless to say, i can't eat anything without it coming out the in-hole 30 seconds later. At least it's a great weight loss plan...
All in all Uber, I'm doing well. Glad you're still here. Every once in a while i check in and comment on something, but not nearly as frequently as i used to.
Stay classless, ya jerks.
Here's a picture of what is left of the truck.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take another liquid shit.
User Reviews
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2007-01-25 20:02:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad to hear you are all right, sweetie!!!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2007-01-25 09:14:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-01-24 07:33:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2007-01-23 18:53:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Not dying is always good.
Nice to see you around.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-01-24 11:47:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
. Or in my case, it makes my butt-pee green, and the ensuing delicate blotting of the asshole less pain-filled.
^This was funny +2
Needless to say, i can't eat anything without it coming out the in-hole 30 seconds later.
^This is me for the last day or two and i feel like shit so -1
but, you lived through this and restrained punching the jahova guy +1
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-01-24 09:46:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2007-01-23 18:53:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Not dying is always good
------------------
Hard to argue with logic such as this.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-01-24 07:33:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2007-01-23 18:53:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Not dying is always good.
Nice to see you around.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-24 07:12:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-01-23 22:15:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wake up in the morning, put your feet on the floor,
Do the fifty yard dash to the bathroom door,
Diarrhea!
When you're sliding into first,
And you feel something burst,
Diarrhea!
When you're sliding into third,
And you lay a juicy turd, Diarrhea!
When you're sliding into home,
And you feel something foam,
Diarrhea!
--
Hehehehe and I hadn't heard this little tune for a while; now I will sing it all day.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2007-01-24 06:14:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That sounded pretty "I-don't-know-how-to-drive-in-the-snow-ish" to me.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-24 05:26:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<3
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-01-24 00:20:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 not-dying
also blueberry juice is very good with large quantities of vodka
(a friend told me so)
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2007-01-23 23:02:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Every post should be at least half this good.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2007-01-23 23:01:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-01-23 22:37:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-01-23 22:29:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-01-23 22:24:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:41:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
There is way too much information in here
-----------------------------
No lie, although it was funny. No one expects the Jehovah Inqusition. We can only hope the color and consistency of your bowel movements returns to whatever passes for normal with you.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-01-23 22:15:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wake up in the morning, put your feet on the floor,
Do the fifty yard dash to the bathroom door,
Diarrhea!
When you're sliding into first,
And you feel something burst,
Diarrhea!
When you're sliding into third,
And you lay a juicy turd, Diarrhea!
When you're sliding into home,
And you feel something foam,
Diarrhea!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-01-23 21:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2007-01-23 17:09:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
when you're sliding into first and you feel a little burst diahreah diahreah
----------------------
thats awesome. i wish we could rate comments, i'd give that one a +1000000000. anyone know the rest of the "lyrics" to that "song"
Submitted by Lmarie22000 (user info) at 2007-01-23 20:27:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-01-23 19:26:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:15:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:13:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 boston
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2007-01-23 19:17:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hurray for death by diarrhea/unstoppable projectile vomiting.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-01-23 18:54:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2007-01-23 17:09:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
when you're sliding into first and you feel a little burst diahreah diahreah
________________________________________
Plus to for the story and for that as well
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2007-01-23 18:53:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not dying is always good.
Nice to see you around.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-01-23 18:41:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray Life!
Boo Jehova's witnesses...
Boo Epic Diarrhea...
Hooray Beer!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-01-23 18:20:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
the tension was killing me
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2007-01-23 17:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Jehovah's Witness bit on its own is worth +2.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-01-23 17:32:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-23 17:04:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
There's also Penis Juice...that probably disturbs the shit out of you, too. """
hahahahahhaa
sorry loki but that struck me funny
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-01-23 17:32:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been in that truck.
It WAS a very nice truck.
Good job you have a built in helmet you large headed freak!
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2007-01-23 17:09:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
when you're sliding into first and you feel a little burst diahreah diahreah
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-01-23 17:05:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Typical masshole driver
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-23 17:04:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There's also Penis Juice...that probably disturbs the shit out of you, too.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:58:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm disturbed that there is something called blueberry juice out there.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:55:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Timmy Timbo!!
Glad you're well, sir. Take care. :)
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:53:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:39:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:32:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
That's what you get for driving an import, nigga!
---------------
saving my life in a horrific accident? getting 25k from the insurance company when I paid $25,600 a year and a half and 31k miles earlier?
imports indeed, nigga!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Goddammit Tim, this 1-up bullshit has to stop! And I totally stand by my statement of "Fuck Imports."
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:51:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:41:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Kind of a bit of a twist on "ambulance chasing" isn't it? You did start going to the guy's church didn't you?
There is way too much information in here.
didn't you get the flu shot?
Not that it would have helped with your mad driving skilz but damn.
-------------------
ha. sure is! no, i didn't. but he went on and on about how he was on his way to church, and "this is the real church. sitting here talking to you." so...maybe. but really...no.
oh. ok.
yes i did get the flu shot, but it wouldn't help. "stomach flu" is in qutotations because it's not at all related to the flu. it's just what some people call it when they have what i have, which is in no way connected to, related to, evolved from, or any form of mutation of the influenza virus.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:50:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice seeing you around...have you and Adam got together to fellate each other yet?
I'd say there's a better than 50/50 chance that Shlongy and the Mrs. will be in Boston this summer for an A's game or two.
it's been like 4 years since we got our Fenway fix and we ALMOST made the trek last summer.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:41:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kind of a bit of a twist on "ambulance chasing" isn't it? You did start going to the guy's church didn't you?
There is way too much information in here.
didn't you get the flu shot?
Not that it would have helped with your mad driving skilz but damn.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:39:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:32:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
That's what you get for driving an import, nigga!
---------------
saving my life in a horrific accident? getting 25k from the insurance company when I paid $25,600 a year and a half and 31k miles earlier?
imports indeed, nigga!
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:32:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad you're not dead.
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's what you get for driving an import, nigga!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:28:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:18:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:08:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's an old review, tailored to fit your situation:
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:38:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
[Y]ou [should] intentionally choreograph the [sxplosive] experience [to maximize the fun of having a ravaged stomach. It may take some quick sphincter action, but it'll be worth it.] The 1812 Overture [should be] terrific for this:
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA - SPLOOTIESPLATATATAT
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA - FLABABABABABAIEEEEEE
BA NA NA NA, BA NA NA NA, BA NA NAAA
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA
BA - SPLIFFGH
BA (PLOP) BA (PLOP) NAA
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA
BA - SQUISH
BA (OH) BA (NOES) NAA
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA
------------------------------------
thats awesome. i'm going to change the bathroom radio to the classical station right now.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:17:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Blueberry juice is awesome, but too damn expensive.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:16:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-01-23 15:58:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
So now Jehovas are prowling the roads for accidents in a ploy to convert heathens?
-----
good use for the marketing budget
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:15:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:13:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 boston
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:13:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 boston
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:12:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, one day when I was in high school I was a little more tired than usual and I eventually passed out during the last class of the day. When I woke up, I tasted rotten eggs in my mouth and my ass felt like it was going to explode with liquid fire.
I figured my stomach was just a wee bit buggy, so I stuck it out like a champ and went home. When my dad picked me up from the train station, I kept burping those sulfuric-egg burps and he finally rolled down a window and said, "Why the fuck do I keep smelling rotten eggs!?"
That was a bit hard to explain.
For THREE FUCKING DAYS, I shat my brains out. I couldn't hold any food in for more than an hour, and on a good day I would clog the toilet with semi-solid shit. The problem was when I would go to unclog it, there was so much shit that the water itself turned to shit, and it would come splashing out all over the floor when I used the shitty plunger we had at the time.
The weird thing is that I'm almost NEVER sick. I have no idea what I had, or why I had it. I just wished I knew about the Blueberry juice sooner.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:11:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The guy's buick is pretty warm, and i'm pretty happy i'm not dead. Until the guy introduces himself. "Hi, I'm Paul. Now would probably be a good time to give you this." <hands me a jehova witness flyer. "have you thought about where you would have gone if you had died?"
--
Funniest shit of the month right here, folks.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:08:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's an old review, tailored to fit your situation:
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-10-13 14:38:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
[Y]ou [should] intentionally choreograph the [sxplosive] experience [to maximize the fun of having a ravaged stomach. It may take some quick sphincter action, but it'll be worth it.] The 1812 Overture [should be] terrific for this:
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA - SPLOOTIESPLATATATAT
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA - FLABABABABABAIEEEEEE
BA NA NA NA, BA NA NA NA, BA NA NAAA
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA
BA - SPLIFFGH
BA (PLOP) BA (PLOP) NAA
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA
BA - SQUISH
BA (OH) BA (NOES) NAA
BA NA NA NA BA NA NA, NA NA
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:04:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 life.
Glad you're ok.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-23 16:03:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
congrats on not dying. on the fart too.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-01-23 15:59:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-01-23 15:58:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and in a related note, i just had my first fart in days that wasn't immediately suceeded by a change in underwear!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-01-23 15:58:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So now Jehovas are prowling the roads for accidents in a ploy to convert heathens?