things i will do (1666 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: crap
Rating: 1.21 on 80 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by mr. scourge (View user info) at 2007-01-24 16:26:37 EST
Hello Uber.
Just a quick pass through to get you all up to speed on my fascinating jet-setter lifestyle.
Item the First:
BadAssJulie and I are having a party. It's true. I swear to God.
So far the guest list is quite exclusive. So much so that I won't even share it with you here. Just know this, we have already reserved a good two dozen strippers, an elephant and have been guaranteed that there will be no less than 3 pounds of the finest Columbian blow you can find.
Also, booze.
More fucking booze than you can shake a stick at.
Top shelf, too.
You, the generic Ubersite user, have the opportunity to be a part of the fun. Simply send a letter of interest to either myself or Julie, along with the $50 processing fee, and we'll get back to you as to how you ranked. Here's a hint: if you have to ask how to get in contact with either of us, you're probably not good enough to be allowed in. Send in the application anyway, we need the $50 to help cover the cost of that cocaine and booze.
Article Two:
As it is common knowledge on Ubersite, and to the world, that I am obviously superior to all of you mouth-breathing window-licking semi-evolved cousin fuckers known collectively as Uberers, I am going to attempt to explain the things I have to say to you in VERY VERY easy and small words.
I am easily the most popular user on this site. Look at the charming reviews and helpful advice I offer to everyone around here. I come here day after day, log in and think up at least one nice thing to say to each and every one of you on your fantastic posts. My words should be accepted as life affirming pearls of wisdom, because that is what they are. Do any of you ever say, 'Thank you scourge! Thank you for making me a better person.!'
Well, no. The answer is no you don't. You are a bunch of selfish assholes and I'm fucking sick of it. You ungrateful fucks will now acknowledge me after every review I leave on each and every one of your substandard piece of garbage 'works' or it's fucking on.
I'm serious about this, dickheads.
I'll bring the pain.
There shouldn't even have to be a discussion about this. More proof that you assholes don't appreciate me.
Not a single one of you has ever nominated me to Bored at Work, and thusly I have never had a post appear there.
'But, sir...perhaps your body of work doesn't contain a post worthy of appearing on that esteemed website?' you may say.
Then, after I've finished kicking out your teeth I'll show you the error of your ways.
Whatev...I get carried away by own emotions. Sorry about that.
Here's the gist of item two, your lack of appreciation for me has made me decide to revamp my rating system again. I'm far too busy and important to think up ratings and commentary for all of your posts when you guys cannot even get me onto MVA or B@W after I've been here this long.
Tell me how you'd like me to rate you. That will be your mandatory rating from his point until I get sick of checking back here to see how I'm supposed to rate you. Probably soon. I'm fickle.
Numero Tres:
Genitalia photography and why it isn't shared with me. Seriously...I mean...I do an awful lot for you people and what do I ever get in return? Not too fucking much.
This item's action plan is: receive more Uber user snatch shots.
Get to work ladies. I guess some of the hotter dudes can send me some too. At the very least I'll haves something to hold over your heads.
Fo:
TigerLilly is gone. At least until she comes back. I have no problem with this chick. She's alright. Except she also failed me unmder items two and three and is therefore ineligible for inclusion in item one.
Since she left, I will take over the interviewing of Uber users. Don't worry, mine will be interesting.
Who wants to go first? Just raise your hand in the reviews below.
5:
Waste more company time posting inane garbage on this website.
Number Six:
Get that rating of mine down to a more reasonable level. See #5 for more info on this plan.
User Reviews
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-18 12:50:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-02-01 14:58:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Obviously.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-01 14:56:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i know who did one of them, just not the original. someone with no taste, obviously.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-02-01 14:52:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, well. I can't claim the other two. Just so you know.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-01 14:47:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha, you awesome bitch.
i will spam you.
bart will ban me.
i will get more work done.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-01 13:03:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
scourge humpers have wrecked up bumpers
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-02-01 13:03:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Get off me mum, you cheap bastard.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-02-01 12:59:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Scourge haters make better masturbators
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-01-31 15:25:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes, thank you Mr. Scourge, I am in your gang
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-29 17:28:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll email you, dickspot.
If I answer the questions in my post, everyone will already know the answers.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-01-26 23:02:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Check yer gmail
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-25 21:17:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
69th review.
Where is my test?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-25 16:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
they will contact you shlongy.
of course it's good tilty head, didn't i say so up above?
Valerie, expect the first questions to arrive soon.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-25 13:40:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sure. Why the fuck not.
Have your people get in touch with my people. Just remember, I'm busier than everyone else.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2007-01-25 11:50:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All right. I'm home sick today. What have I missed?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-25 11:33:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-24 23:46:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Valerie, we'll start tomorrow after I get back from Southern Illinois. unless i decide to have my company pay me to spend the afternoon in the Garden of the Gods. if that happens, we start Friday.
---
Yes, dear. I'm getting my ass kicked in regular intervals at work this week, but I'll do my best to turn it around with a quickness just for you.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-25 10:08:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
User who owns the 'small of the back' that I want to do coke off of below.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-01-25 09:12:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm still here. I'll add $50 bucks to the party. Make sure the coke is good.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-25 08:45:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't feel bad about not getting any B@W nominations, scourgey. I've never gotten any myself either, despite the sheer volume of my musical works. OH WAIT THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL ABOUT UBER!
Anyways. You may continue to rate me with +2's...after all, remember, I only live an hour away. And don't think I won't drive down there and beat your booty beet red over a -2. :D
Party, sayeth ye? Check yer e-mail.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-01-25 07:14:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Good for ya, Matty.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-01-25 02:15:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Twas kind of you, Mr Lungfish.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-25 01:22:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Coley:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/79914
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-01-25 01:09:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like an auto-rating of +2 (as if you don't already give me that) and I will be interviewed, but only if the questions are GOOD!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-25 00:55:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it. Fucking server's down again. +2 for everybody. FTW.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-24 23:46:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the line up for interviews:
sacrilicious
stagger_lee
TTOM the magnificent
orgasmatron
phallic
Valerie, we'll start tomorrow after I get back from Southern Illinois. unless i decide to have my company pay me to spend the afternoon in the Garden of the Gods. if that happens, we start Friday.
---
shlongy: who am i? i am ubers younger, nicer, better loooking, funnier version of you. less money though. le sigh. you want to be interviewed or not, dipshit?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-01-24 23:32:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
never interview me. ever
Submitted by swimmingbirdblue (user info) at 2007-01-24 22:58:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
oneness
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-01-24 22:36:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, so we can give answers that vary by one word in 20.
Unless the questions are about pro wrestling, Bruce Springsteen or God.
Then my answers will have more profanity.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-24 22:34:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-01-24 21:58:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-24 19:33:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
And Method has a sister???
I bet she's as pure as a Dove, as fair as Ivory. Most girls from the Coast are.
-----------------------------------
ohh yeah thats the truth all the girls around here are angels.
Fuck me with a chainsaw do I look like Mother Theresa to you?
---
Just making soap brand references is all. Girls from 'the coast' are notorious for being torrid sluts.
Stagger and I should be interviewed at the same time, and asked the same questions.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-01-24 21:58:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-24 19:33:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
And Method has a sister???
I bet she's as pure as a Dove, as fair as Ivory. Most girls from the Coast are.
-----------------------------------
ohh yeah thats the truth all the girls around here are angels.
Fuck me with a chainsaw do I look like Mother Theresa to you?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-24 21:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-01-24 21:09:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-24 19:33:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:09:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T READ THAT?
You don't look over every detail of eveything I post in your search for wisdom?
---
She reads everything *I* post.
Oh and the same rule I put into place for TMI applies with your interview series - I will participate if the public demands it. I will not volunteer.
------
I DEMAND THIS!
===
AS DO I. And Stagger_Lee and I ARE your public. Nevermind that he IS you, and that I'm you're stalker so I already know everything about you anyway..I still want you to be forced to answer a bunch of questions for general amusement purposes. SEXY questions.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-01-24 21:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-01-24 21:15:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-24 21:14:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Ummm, who are you, again?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-01-24 21:09:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-24 19:33:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:09:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T READ THAT?
You don't look over every detail of eveything I post in your search for wisdom?
---
She reads everything *I* post.
Oh and the same rule I put into place for TMI applies with your interview series - I will participate if the public demands it. I will not volunteer.
------
I DEMAND THIS!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-01-24 19:41:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-24 19:25:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-01-24 19:08:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
What, no invite?
Then you dont get an interview with Ubers most popular scotsman!
...
NO! Not Mikethescottish! ME, TTOM!
...
Oh, ok then, interview me.
-----------
yeah interview him !
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-24 19:33:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:09:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T READ THAT?
You don't look over every detail of eveything I post in your search for wisdom?
---
She reads everything *I* post.
Oh and the same rule I put into place for TMI applies with your interview series - I will participate if the public demands it. I will not volunteer.
And Method has a sister???
I bet she's as pure as a Dove, as fair as Ivory. Most girls from the Coast are.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-24 19:25:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-01-24 19:08:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
What, no invite?
Then you dont get an interview with Ubers most popular scotsman!
...
NO! Not Mikethescottish! ME, TTOM!
...
Oh, ok then, interview me.
-----------
yeah interview him
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-01-24 19:08:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What, no invite?
Then you dont get an interview with Ubers most popular scotsman!
...
NO! Not Mikethescottish! ME, TTOM!
...
Oh, ok then, interview me.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:47:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Interview me.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:45:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'Thank you scourge! Thank you for making me a better person.!'
I'm sure I must have said that somewhere else.
I would like +2s.
They make me giddy.
I am SO in for the party + I loves Julie.
Circles are made for jerkin'.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:27:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no idea the man had a sister.
i hope she's nicer than him.
--
rad gets an auto invite, btw.
--
(doug, all the ones with boobs and jiners of course.)
--
Valerie, the interview will start tonight or tomorrow. be prepared.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:26:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:25:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Rad is totally invited. I may consider giving Redskies an invite just so he can have a little fun with the fat headed Greek's sister.
---
:D
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:25:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rad is totally invited. I may consider giving Redskies an invite just so he can have a little fun with the fat headed Greek's sister.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:21:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait wait wait. George has a sister? He kept that one quiet. Femmethod ahoy.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:21:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
did someone say hookers and blow?
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:21:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No, I say he can't come either way. He can still try to bribe us though.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:20:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're right, what was I thinking? These pictures are clearly a privelaged, personal file and it was foolish of me to think a man of your character and stature would even consider breaking the confidence of these fine young ladies. I apologize for my assumption.
(Thanks scourge. I'll check my e-mail every 15 minutes or so. Anyone in particular you're hoping to start with?)
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:20:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you're all going to pay dearly.
Especially the odd faced one you call Julie
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:18:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:12:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Our party is so going to rock.
Oh and the fatheaded Greek with the unibrow is not invited.
But his sister is.
---
Correct on all counts.
He CAN come if he begs. Also if he sells us some of his bling blong at reduced rates.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:12:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Our party is so going to rock.
Oh and the fatheaded Greek with the unibrow is not invited.
But his sister is.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:12:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Of COURSE I do. This was more of a "you have a 2-minute break to skim-read anything in the world. What will it be?" I picked this. I'm going to go home and eat some pomegranate seeds now. Bye.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:09:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T READ THAT?
You don't look over every detail of eveything I post in your search for wisdom?
For shame. Either way, you are first. We will conduct the interview via email. It will rock everybodies socks off.
Dougy Fresh, of COURSE I cannot share them! That would be abusing a privilege. Shame on you for even asking. Shame.
(of course I'm going to share them, but if these dumb broads know that they won't send them to me in the first place. good thing chicks can't read stuff between parentheses..it's like a gender mutation)
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2007-01-24 18:05:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2007-01-24 17:59:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi Scourge.
I'm partied out from being a local celebrity, but if an invitation arrives in the mail, I'll try to make an appearance. We're good like that.
If you decide to interview me, I'll answer it with the rest of my fan mail.
If you receive pictures of any of the Uber-vag, you know where to send it. I'm pretty sure the CJ rules say you have to share it with at least me. We're good like that too.
As for reviews... I'd like you to remind me that we shall drink together again some day soon. I miss our cabbie. I've been looking for him, but I think he got shot.
MyT
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-24 17:57:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I didn't read that.
Ask away, matty.
I reserve certain rights, et al
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-24 17:44:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, those letters of interest are pouring in.
Don't forget to tel me how to rate you, people.
Also, no takers on being interviewed? C'mon people. I'll ask you uncomfortabel things about your genitalia. It'll be fun.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-01-24 17:24:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-01-24 17:12:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2007-01-24 17:01:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
juls you are too cute to be a lezzy... unless you're one of those lipstick ones... then that would be hot...very hot :)
-------------------------------------------------------
Nah, I'm not into the love that dare not speak its name.
I'm like a lesbian homing beacon though, my apartment was like P-town for rug munchers.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-24 17:07:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-01-24 17:02:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Im out then, I don't do disco balls.
---
You will lick what I tell you to.
The Orgasmatron has spoken. Let all man tremble before his Awesome.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-01-24 17:02:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:56:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
you're in charge of the theme, man. you can come up with any name you like as long as people can recognoze from it that there will be swimming pools worth of booze, mountains of blow, strippers, tanks, lesbians and disco balls.
and French Death Metal.
fuck yeah.
-----------------------------------
Im out then, I don't do disco balls.
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2007-01-24 17:01:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
juls you are too cute to be a lezzy... unless you're one of those lipstick ones... then that would be hot...very hot :)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-24 17:00:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It shall be called OPTIC BLAST IN A PIRATE'S ASS then.
My word is gospel.
Godface has spoken.
All hail.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:56:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you're in charge of the theme, man. you can come up with any name you like as long as people can recognoze from it that there will be swimming pools worth of booze, mountains of blow, strippers, tanks, lesbians and disco balls.
and French Death Metal.
fuck yeah.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:56:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:53:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Juls: she is a hardbody. her abs are maddeningly nice.
-----------------------------
We have had to actually have an intervention with her recently as she has no "cushin'" left in her butt region.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:53:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope that the party is called "ORBITAL BOMBARDMENT."
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:53:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Juls: she is a hardbody. her abs are maddeningly nice.
Orgasmo: correct
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:50:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna bring Julie a vorpal pocketknife
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:48:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOpenis
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:47:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:45:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are Juls, darling. I can finally meet my gay girlfriend.
--------------------------------------
Cool, she just asks that you not touch her incredibly chisled lats, it makes her feel awkward.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:45:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are Juls, darling. I can finally meet my gay girlfriend.
Jake, I always +2 myself. I believe that we should rate our work with the ranking we believe it deserves. So, all +2 all the time. Unless I forget.
Thank you Valerie.
ghola, +2 me now. NOW. circle jerk rules command it. don't make me get out the handbook.
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:44:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oooo i wanna come... i'll bring the stripper pole and teach julie to twirl... you too if you want matty mcmatterson :)
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:39:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh yeah here's my obligatory +2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:39:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
+2'ing yourself is the new red.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:39:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're adorable when you're surly.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:38:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought I was bringing the lesbians?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:37:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You +2ed yourself
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:29:04 (#)
Ranking: -2
The whole lot of you are going to suffer greatly
---
But...but...what did I do?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:29:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The whole lot of you are going to suffer greatly
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-01-24 16:28:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yea right