"Rectal Foreign Body" is really just a polite way of wording “that dude has a dildo stuck up his butt.” (888 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorLabels: healthcare_tales
Rating: 2 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Forensic (they made me this way) Girl (View user info) at 2007-01-25 03:59:13 EST
When training a noob laboratory employee, one must be mindful to take nothing for granted. For instance, never assume that the apprentice can emotionally handle what you have come to view as commonplace. Also, you might want to squelch any natural curiosity they may possess. Delicate noobian sensibilities and naïve curiosity sometimes don't mix very well. This will be explained towards the end.
After years of logging in surgical booty from the OR, you become numb to the daily hauls.
Gallbladder
*yawn*
Uterus
*ho-hum*
Transverse Colon Segment
*what else is new*
4th & 5th Metatarsals of Left Foot
*yeah, we get a lot of those in the summer*
7 inch Black Dildo/Vibrator Combo with a Purple(ish) Head
*yup, you must have let go of the end, dude*
At this point I'd like to make a public service announcement. IF you like anal play, IF you like using toys during your anal play, whatever you do, KEEP A HOLD OF THE END! Especially if you're new to it. Allow me to explain.
People apparently love to cram all sorts of things up their rears. I don't understand this personally because I think anal sex is the biggest load of hooey ever dreamed up. It hurts, it's unsanitary, and just isn't very polite. We get many men who come into the hospital with dick infections from sticking their penises in the rectal areas of whomever without using condoms. Ew, you gross muthas! Seriously, do you really need to shove your dick up someone's ass to be happy and fulfilled? I think you should thank your lucky stars that your collective dicks occasionally get some vagina. Don't push the issue.
It was explained to me that sometimes when a foreign object enters the rectum of an inexperienced person, the individual will involuntarily contract their sphincter and either a) eject the object if it hasn't gotten in too far, or, b) suck it right up into the lower colon. At first I couldn't understand how that could happen. 7 inches should be long enough to avoid that. It was then explained to me that the shover may cram it in too fast, bury the thing to the hilt, and then shovee tenses up. Needless to say, if you're new to anal play, it would be prudent to keep a hold of the end of the toy. Fishing it back out isn't an option because the subsequent freak out of sucking a 7 inch vibrator up into one's colon tends to lock the sphincter up in much the same way as when a guy finds himself assigned a new, very large cell mate who decides he looks like a succulent chicken dinner.
When some unfortunate soul finds himself in this predicament, the only solution is to man up and come into the ER. I use the masculine pronoun because I hate to break this to you guys, all but 2 people with sex toy incidents during my employment at the hospital have been male. Heterosexual males at that! Curious I guess.
The patient must be x-rayed to pinpoint the location of said sex toy, pre-surgical blood work must be done, and then when the green light is given, he's anesthetized and a surgeon has to fish it out. One time, some guy had a smallish vibrator that had worked itself so far up the colon they had to go through his abdomen to get it out. Try explaining that scar to your new girlfriend!!
Oh yes, sometimes during the examination, x-ray, and blood work, the vibrator remains on. Hey, no way to shut it off you know. And yes, the noise is audible. This is why you need to be grateful for good healthcare workers because it is our professionalism that ensures your dignity. We act like we can't hear the buzzing emanating from your lower abdomen.
You're welcome.
So, once the dildo/vibrator combo is removed, what do you think happens to it? Well you're not getting it back. Sorry. Because of liability issues, it has to be sent to Pathology so that a Pathologist can look at it and say "Yup, it's a dildo." Of course being ever mindful of your privacy and dignity, it isn't noted in your records as a dildo or sex toy or whatever, it is described as a "foreign body removed from anus." That could be anything so if you ever have to explain what happened, you can say that you were transporting medicine for sick kids and had to carry it in your rectum because the medication's temperature needed to be kept at body temperature. If you work the angle right, gullible people will whistle at your magnanimous nature and buy you beers.
Numerous times now I have been the one who logs the dildo/vibrator into Pathology. The mood of the Pathologist dictates whether I put it towards the top or at the bottom (no pun intended). By now this is commonplace for me. Sure, the first time I logged an errant sex toy in, my eyes widened a little. Now it could just be another gallbladder as far as I'm concerned. Then again, I've been at this a while now and I sometimes forget that a young trainee hasn't yet experienced the joy of viewing a fecal smeared, artificial Day-Glo colored phallus in a clear biohazard bag.
The latest incident was poor 19 year old Annelle, fresh out of phlebotomy school. It was partly my fault, I knew the hot pink vibrator was in the cooler waiting to be logged in but I was busy talking on the phone with a doctor from another hospital concerning a transfer patient from us. I was reading off the lab work that the patient had while at our hospital so that she wouldn't redo the same tests over again while she waited for medical records to fax over the patient's chart. Annelle whispered to me that she was going to go log in the surgery specimens and I nodded without thinking about it. When I finished the call and hung up, I suddenly remembered.
"Annelle! Hold on and let me help you!"
Not more than a second after I said those words, Annelle said in a loud, grossed out, 19 year old girl squeal, "OH MY GAWWWWWWD!" After which she dropped the bag on the floor. You might be thinking that her reaction was a little exaggerated but you have to remember, this was her first grown up job and the training period in the lab is a little on the stressful side because you are overloaded with information, policies and procedures, and all the little things you have to remember.
My boss alleges that if even subconsciously, I allowed Annelle to find the vibrator without warning her first and explaining why we had it. He believes me to possess a sense of humor so evil that I would purposely do that to an innocent girl. He's right, I would, but in this case I can honestly say it slipped my mind. I told Annelle that she should be glad because now the next one will be no big deal to which she answered "there's more?!"
Oh yes little Annelle, there will be many more because in this case, Freud may have been correct.
User Reviews
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2007-02-09 03:01:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2007-01-26 13:34:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved it, and not surprised that this happens.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-26 13:16:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I <3 Bonnie
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-01-25 04:04:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DAMN IT!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-01-25 04:04:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what?