It's damn hard to be happy all the time (612 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 2 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2007-01-25 09:24:53 EST
Part one; if you're interested
http://www.ubersite.com/m/97392
--
I woke up in the morning, not too early mind but in the morning none the less; and just pottered about. After finding something resembling food in the fridge I sat down at the computer with a steaming cup of coffee placed on a coaster telling me about the etymology of my name.
I soon found myself absorbed in the wonderful world of the internet, you can translate that into 'Looking at Porn' if you like and you wouldn't be a million miles away from the truth. As I sat there, craning my neck to try and figure out how exactly the position I was looking at was possible, the phone rang.
Me: "Hello" (very abrupt and unfriendly telephone manner)
"Good Morning Drogo, It's Dr Imreallyheretohelp,honest."
Me: "Hi Doc, how are you? Actually scrub that and pretend I didn't ask. What can I do for you?"
Dr: "Are you aware that you are supposed to have an appointment with me at the moment?"
Me: "Of course I am. I am exercising my right to be happy by not coming along. I really struggled with the 5 things today and I'm still one short"
Dr: "I don't follow you Drogo."
Me: "I'm pleased to hear it I would hate to be stalked. What I mean is that last week you told me to do 5 happy things a day. Well not coming in for our session today is making me very happy indeed. Also have you ever tried to come up with 5 different things every day? It's really tough I can tell you."
Dr: "Drogo I am concerned by this behaviour. How am I supposed to help you if you don't come along to our sessions? The happy things are supposed to just focus your mind on trying to be positive and find enjoyment in things. Missing our appointments is very dangerous in your state."
Me: "But I feel fine, actually I feel great. I woke up today and wandered around the house naked, made breakfast and right now I'm sitting down in front of the computer drinking tea. And the great thing is that I am still naked. Go figure."
Dr: "Hmm I find you manner disturbing Drogo. Could you tell me why you are naked Drogo? Is it because you find clothes constricting and the act of shedding them brings you a feeling of a release of pressure?"
Me: "Nope I just can't be bothered to get dressed; also I live in a nice warm house where I can be comfortable when naked."
Dr: "right so you can't be bothered to dress. I see what this is Drogo; you are showing signs of neglecting yourself which is a very worrying development. Are you washing and shaving?"
Me: "Honestly doc there really isn't anything to worry about. I'm just comfy naked that's all there is to it."
Dr: "Hmm Yes right. Do you touch yourself as you are naked? Does it excite you being naked? Do you want people to see you naked?"
Me: "What? Hang on a moment I'm just sitting here naked I didn't say anything about touching myself."
Dr: "Are you masturbating Drogo?"
(Are you?)
Me: "No, and I actually don't really want to talk about that with you if you don't mind."
(Fucking pervert)
Dr: "Don't get defensive Drogo; you must see me as someone you can talk to. Now answer the question. Are you masturbating?"
(How could anyone masturbate whilst talking to you freak? I mean you have more power to destroy an erection than the thought of watching my grandparents fuck, and they are dead.)
Me: "I really am not masturbating Doctor. But seeing as you brought this topic up I do have a few issues about the whole Onanism thing."
Dr: "Good Good Drogo talk to me."
Me: "Well since you put me on those wonderful pills I have had a major problem with the whole 'whacking one off the wrist' thing. You see they stop me from being able to do anything. What have you done to me? I tried a while ago and after two hours my arm ached and my cock looked like I had rubbed it with sandpaper to get rid of the bumps. I actually think I received a note from my libido when it left. You have made me into some sort of freak with a boner that doesn't work right."
Dr: "Hmm disturbing, very worrying indeed."
Me: "Damn right, I want my mojo back. I dread to think what will happen when I come off these things. I have already started buying buckets."
Dr: "No I wasn't talking about that Drogo. I was referring to what you said about your Libido 'leaving you a note'. So you are creating personalities and behaviour to parts of your own being?"
(Holy fuck this man really needs to die, painfully maybe by using a spoon.)
Me: "Oh my god Doc, why do you pick up on the stupidest of things? It was a figure of speech."
Dr: "Do you have a name for any other part of yourself? Do you find that you talk to these parts? Do you have a name for your penis?"
(Why would you like to talk to him?)
Me: "yes; I mean no. Of course I don't bloody well talk to parts of myself, what do you think I am?"
Doc: "I am very concerned Drogo. You need to come and see me straight away. I will expect you in half an hour. I don't want to have to remind you that if you miss our appointments I can report you to the courts."
(If you don't want to remind me then why did you?)
Me: "No I'm not coming in. Missing our appointment is a happy thing for today so I'm not going to come in now. Okay I call him Herbert is that okay? Does that make you happy?"
Dr: "Half an hour Drogo."
Me: "But wai..... Are you there? Did you hang up on me you mother fucker?"
I put clothes on and jumped into the car and rushed to his office. Walking in I threw myself into the normal chair in front of him.
Me: "Damn that was a bit of a rush Doc; you didn't even give me time to shower."
Dr: "As I thought you are starting to neglect yourself. Is it because you feel worthless? Have you given up caring about your appearance thinking that people don't care?"
Me: "Stop please. I am fine, I wash all the time. I'm almost obsessive about it actually. No don't even think about bringing that up. I smell so good that I actually met someone last week."
Dr: "By someone what do you mean?"
(Do you want a bloody picture?)
Me: "A woman; I met a rather lovely woman."
Dr: "I really don't think you should be dating in your condition. When things go wrong it could negatively impact your, already, fragile state. Also she could become very attached to you in a caring role and the break up could cause her mental anguish."
Me: "Christ Doc; I am fine. She is fine. We only just met. She seems normal; definitely doesn't come across as a bunny boiler."
Dr: "Does the thought of her boiling bunnies fill your mind Drogo?"
Me: "What the fuck?"
Dr: "Are you afraid of her boiling your bunny?"
Me: "I don't even have a bunny for her to boil. Actually come to think of it I do have a bunny in the freezer, she could boil that I guess if she turned psycho. Boil in the bag bunny; much more humane."
Dr: "Why do you have a bunny in your freezer? Do you have lots of bunnies in your freezer? Do you kill bunnies?"
(Yes; but I feel I'm done with the small animal torture stage. I think I'm ready to try a human, got any ideas?)
Me: "It was road kill. I picked it up and put it in a bag intending to bury and put it in the freezer as I was busy. Then I forgot."
Dr: "Do you forget a lot of things? Like our appointments? I think I should admit you for your own safety Drogo."
Me: "I couldn't give two hoots what you think. I am fine. Honestly I am fine."
Dr: "Okay calm down Drogo. We are nearly done now for the day. I won't admit you. Do you hoot often?"
Me: "You lost me again?"
Dr: "You said you couldn't give 'two hoots' for what I think. So do you hoot often?"
Me: "Oh god save me. Yes I hoot all the time; I just find it makes me feel better."
Dr: "See doesn't that feel better? Admitting something is good for you. Right I will see you next week at the same time."
Me: "Thanks I feel much better now."
Dr: "Good see you next week, don't be late."
Me: "Okay. Oh Doc?"
Dr: "Yes?"
Me: "Hoot Hoot"
User Reviews
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-02-06 12:07:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you are one of my happy thoughts
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-26 13:56:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously though dude from your writing I don't think there's anything wrong with you. The create a fucking disease or disorder for everything now days - everyone is looking to make a buck off you because you have a "disorder" and need "treatment." You'll go insane if you listen to all these quacks.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-26 13:55:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bi-polar doesn't mean multiple personalities. You must have dissociative identity disorder - that's ok though because that's much more interesting and potentially humorous.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-26 06:37:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-26 06:36:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-01-25 12:50:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you already explain in your posts why you are seeing a shrink?
--
They think we're Bi-polar; we don't agree though. Do we mate?
--
Nope; that would make us a fucking nutter.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-26 06:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-26 06:36:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-01-25 12:50:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you already explain in your posts why you are seeing a shrink?
--
They think we're Bi-polar; we don't agree though. Do we mate?
--
Nope; that would make us a fucking nutter.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-26 06:36:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-01-25 12:50:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you already explain in your posts why you are seeing a shrink?
--
They think we're Bi-polar; we don't agree though. Do we mate?
Submitted by swimmingbirdblue (user info) at 2007-01-25 20:58:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-01-25 19:51:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-01-25 19:42:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a worthelss physician
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-01-25 13:06:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-01-05 16:19:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
great story...
Terrible doctor. Poor patient.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-01-25 12:50:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you already explain in your posts why you are seeing a shrink?
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-01-25 12:28:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll give friends permission to shoot me in the fucking head if I ever start behaving like your shrink.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-01-25 12:05:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Five things that make me happy
1. Kentucky Bourbon
2. Kentucky Bourbon
3. Irish Whiskey
4. German Beer
5. Russian Vodka
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-01-25 12:00:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-01-25 11:04:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Things to be happy about:
snow
coke (the drink)
warm socks
naps
art
He could probably twist the naps around though into depressed, listless sleep because there's nothing fun to do.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-01-25 10:55:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I went to a guy like that once. Nobody could drag me back there.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2007-01-25 10:39:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fantastic. I enjoy your writing.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-25 10:39:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure gold... but seriously if this is a real life account, what I said last time: http://www.ubersite.com/m/97392#2269388
Seriously fire that dude.
Submitted by Talibandrew (user info) at 2007-01-25 10:33:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh god...my sister is a fucking phsyciatrist...she tried that shit on me once and i told her to eat my shit.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-01-25 10:16:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy days!
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-01-25 10:12:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-01-25 09:32:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to keep writing these.
Promise me you will!!??!?
--
I will write them until I'm cured or until I bury a hatchet in his head.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-01-25 10:01:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-25 09:42:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish my counseling internship would have been full of interesting dialogues like this.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-25 09:41:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I FUCKING HATE CUNTING BASTARD DOCTOR MOTHER FUCKERS....eh hem.... tell the doctor about ubersite...PLEASE.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-01-25 09:40:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-01-25 09:32:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to keep writing these.
Promise me you will!!??!?