JMG Wins 12Mil; Resolves Never to Return (545 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 0.09 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by prophet (View user info) at 2007-01-25 17:29:57 EST
LOS ANGELES, CA (AP) -
We've all been wondering why Jared doesn't post as much lately... ESPECIALLY since he's just centiliters away from stealing the title of OMNIPOTENT/SCIENT/PRESENT SUPREME MASTER AND GOD OF UBERSITE.
At first, I just assumed (as would any rational person) that Bart, not wanting to relinquish control and ownership of the site to this ambitious Jewish usurper, simply used some of his dot-com billions to have Jared killed in broad daylight, as he left Temple on a cold December afternoon, in order to send a message to any who might challenge the title henceforth.
Well, that's not exactly what happened. I was surfing ColbertNation.com today, and I came across some startling evidence that suggests Bart merely used his clandestine connections to RIG THE WORLD SERIES OF POKER.
That's right.
In exchange for the $12,000,000.00 first place prize, a WSOP bracelet, and worldwide notoriety as a card shark, JMG has agreed to move to Los Angeles and NEVER RETURN TO (or speak of) UBERSITE AGAIN. He's changed his name from Jared to Jamie (despite that Jamie is CLEARLY a girl's name, and by all phonetic and linguistic logic should be pronounced Jam-E); that notwithstanding, the sketch of him on his website (and the iconic initials he's used to brand himself, with which it seems he wasn't prepared to part), is nothing short of tell-all.
Though this transpired in August of 2006, sources reveal that the contract surreptitiously signed between these two media tycoons contained provisos wherein Bart had allowed Jared to continue posting on the website until the end of the 2006 year, under two conditions: first, Jared was never to speak of the contractual transaction that took place; second, Jared was not to post enough material that he would accidentally dethrone the almighty Barticus Bartleopodopolous.
"Jamie" has a new website now; it can be found at http://jamiegold.com/ - a blog that speaks nothing of his life before June of 2006, or after his WSOP win. Coincidence? I think not. It's all a facade, and to be perfectly honest, now that I've let the cat out of the bag I'll probably be killed in a manner whose swiftness is exceeded only by its mercilessness (which is exceeded only by its painfulness). Save this post on your computers, kids. It may disappear from the site within minutes, as Bart's automatic radioactive squids rise up from the Earth's crust, target the origin of the transmission, and tear my roof off with red lasers burning at the heat of a thousand suns.
The truth cannot be waylaid.
http://www.colbertnation.com/cn/sightings.php
http://www.jamiegold.com/
User Reviews
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-01-26 15:17:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Shouldn't you be packing?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-26 13:20:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
soooooooooo, how's move coming along? Packed up yet?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-26 08:44:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What motel were we meeting at tonight, lover?
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2007-01-25 22:20:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-01-25 17:39:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you going to submit your cock? o-:)
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
What, to Ubersite? The place where you can upload nude pictures of Tera Patrick, and people will still complain about how her boobs are too perfect, her snatch is too hairless, her face is too asian, and she looks too much like a porn star?
No, as fun as that would be... I'll pass. If anyone from Ubersite wants to see my penis, they'll have to come at least as far as the same state as me. I'm willing to compromise by driving to a motel along the border.
Oh, and before you ask- Caulain, it doesn't extend to you. Or for you, for that matter.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-25 17:36:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck is wrong with everyone? I thought this was good.
He's catching up with you, Bart.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Well, I can't speak for Axolotl, because I don't know him.
But as far as "blackeyedbitch", that phenomenon has been around at least as long as this site has. A user that has been around for scarcely a month, with no posts or a handful of completely worthless ones, who asserts that he- despite all logic- is entitled to an opinion. Asshole says he's tired of me "bein so gay all da time", when he's only been here for a month; a month in which this has been my second post. In fact, I only made five posts in all of 2006, so even if I WAS being gay ALL the time, there's really no way he would know about it.
Probably an alter. Don't care. Either Bart will fix Ubersite, or I'll code up a competing site- either way, I'll still be posting here, but the majority of my time is going to be spent on a forum with SOME kind of ability to filter out the retards.
Submitted by iMoh69 (user info) at 2007-01-25 20:13:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i admit that this was crap,
but +2 for stephen colbert.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-25 20:01:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dull
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-01-25 18:04:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-01-25 17:39:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you going to submit your cock? o-:)
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-25 17:37:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
eh
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-25 17:36:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck is wrong with everyone? I thought this was good.
He's catching up with you, Bart.
Submitted by blackeyedbitch (user info) at 2007-01-25 17:35:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
fuk u ur posts r shit
im tired of u bein so gay all da time man
fuck ur a peace of shit plz die
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-01-25 17:34:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
yeah...