Ubertines '07: Emo Love (602 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.21 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by S.I. Co. Semen (View user info) at 2007-01-27 11:06:58 EST
Emo Love
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At The Castle (Together)
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"Thou art my lover of many fortnight," speaketh Sir Frank to his ugly wife Locksly, "whom I wish to wed and consummate with."
"But, Sire," cometh the rebuttal of Locksly "shall we have a feast at once?"
"A feast?" Grumbled Sir Frank.
"Yes, a feast shall suit my suitor and you are indeed my suitor, are you not?" Locksly interrogated.
"Whence upon the subject are you pertaining?" Sir Frank was getting irritable.
"Shall we have it this eve of tomorrow to come?" Madame Locksly was getting testy.
"Art thou suggesting that we have a feast tonight, in the court of semblance?" Begged Sir Frank.
"NO! Sire, we shall have the feast tonight, indeed, but in the court of your ownership, right neighbor to the castle." Locksly was now imploring.
"Perchance it to be tonight then," Sir Frank finally caved in "just knowing that I will be able to deflower two at the cost of one, my love."
"I love you."
"I love you more."
"NO, I love you more."
"NO, I LOVE YOU MORE."
Virgins? Virgins.
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Study Chambers in Castle (Sir Frank, In Company)
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'Twas that night ere the gala where upon Sir Frank was sat in his study in company of a buffoon, an elder, a trumpeter, a maid, and a coach driver. Sir Frank was writing an ode to Madame Locksly in the simplest tongue he could, albeit his skills at penmanship were none the ne'er. To his soon to be wedded wife he wrote:
Doth hair of ye head is silky and dead
Not too long in bed, not ere we are wed
'Til I dream of smelling ye clam, Madame.
With just a wee thrust I will cup your bust
I dare not try lust without love is just
I will die without ye love, my dove.
I will cut and slash, cut shave my mustache
If I can't be bash--to your hole, no rash
It's dark, it is most my sack, my BLACK!
Wish not I am live if you willn't give
Worldly, bad drain, sieve; blood drains, you're my HIV
Please don't leave me e'er, au contraire.
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Private Chambers (Madame Locksly, In Company)
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Madame Locksly, ugliest and of battered complexion, doth sitteth in her high chair before the vanity in company of a seamstress, a medicine woman, a flutist, a maid, and pageboy. Whilst preparing her hair for the gala, Madame Locksly speaketh about an old friend to whom she remembers.
"Seamstress," sassed Locksly, "me you were with on the summer night this year past, do you remember?"
"Yes, Madame, I think." Cometh the wisp of the seamstress. "'Twas it not an eve of valor, where uponst we met a noble acquaintance of yours?"
"Yes, seamstress, 'twere indeed and seamstress, my memory fails me, indeed it does. I can not for the life of me remember my acquaintance's name. Saketh me not to be so foolish." Madame Locksly tried in vain to remember, but she couldn't.
"Flutist!" Snapped Locksly in frustration.
"Yes, Madame."
"Play me a song that will encourage my memory." Another snap from Madame Locksly.
"Woman of Medicine, I'm trying to watch the figure. For our feast, what shall we enjoy?" Asketh Madame Locksly.
"We shall have—"
"DICK!" Shouted the seamstress.
"Dick?" Begged Locksly.
"Yes, Madame, his name was Dick. Shall I call for Dick?" The seamstress questioned.
"Yes, we will enjoy Dick 'tis eve at our feast. Great joy!" exclaimed Locksly.
"Pageboy!" Locksly again.
"If my memory serves as it shall, I recollect you hugging Dick while I stroked him lovingly. This could not be more than 3 years past. It 'tis the truth."
"Yes, I quite enjoy Dick." Sayeth Madame Locksly and the pageboy in unison.
"So shall it be; we will have Dick to dine with at the feast!" Madame Locksly pronounced.
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Study Chambers in Castle (Sir Frank, In Company)
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Meanwhile, true tis' it the buffoon is juggling, the elder is reading, the trumpeter preparing to trumpet, the maid a' dusting, and the coach driver waiting patiently when a raucous stirred. One of the farmers of Village Te'Bear had some stray animals loosen from the pens.
"What tis' the commotion," inquired Sir Frank, "it is deafening to my ears."
"Twere the farmer, down thee way, Sire." Replied the coach driver.
"Buffoon!" Sir Frank bellowed.
"Yes, Sire?" Returned the buffoon.
"Juggle, entertain me, do something!" Scowled Sir Frank.
"In jest—"
"COCK!" Screamed the maid as the uncaged animal swept deftly through the study window.
"How'd that large fowl make it's presence in my study chamber?" Asked Sir Frank.
"Sire, the farmer down the road..." The coach driver 'twas just a reminding.
"Buffoon!" Sir Frank bellowed again.
"Yes, sire, as it twere. In jest—"
"COCK!" Screamed the maid again, yet another large fowl made its' entry.
"In jest what, buffoon! IN JEST WHAT!" Sir Frank was heavy with steam.
"COCK!" Spoke the buffoon of yet another bird. "In jest--COCK!" The joke wasn't allowed on account of the fowl flying through the window.
"That's just it!" Hailed Sir Frank triumphantly. "Madame Locksly will love to ingest large fowl cock. Just one half fortnight ere she was enjoying some cock with the choir boy. She said so herself."
"Trumpeter, do you have a trombone, err, I a mean a trumpet?" Inquired Sir Frank.
"Yes, master, shall I sound the gala?"
"Yes, trombone, err--I mean trumpeter, sound the gala. We are having large fowl cock tonight." Sir Frank's tone was one of extreme satisfaction.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-29 17:10:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-01-28 05:15:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
you seem suspiciously detail oriented when writing about mansex
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-29 09:50:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Different, but I struggled with the flow about midway through.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-01-29 02:34:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2007-01-28 22:44:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't love it or anything, but I gladly read the whole thing and applaud the effort of doing something different. I think you could have done better had you let go of the Frank thing, but whatever. Too each there own and what not...
I'm drunk too, by the way. Just throwing that out there.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-01-28 15:40:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I had some trouble reading this, but I can't give it a negative rating.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-01-28 12:54:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont like the ugly wife, so have a +2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-01-28 11:58:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It was a 3 day audit. I just thought if you were going to keep saying the same thing over and over again, you should get it right.
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2007-01-28 05:59:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
so...is this your way of saying you want to stab my mangina? you want to take my behymen? sorry dude, but I'm all about the taco. THE TACO!!!!
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-01-28 05:41:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
For entertaining me with your continued pestering of people.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-01-28 05:15:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you seem suspiciously detail oriented when writing about mansex
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-01-28 03:59:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man, HOW did you manage to write this sensational piece AND get through that tough audit? (The SECOND one in two days???)
DO you mind reposting with big red arrows where I am supposed to laugh?
I mean I KNOW its meant to be amusing and knowing you it will be totally pushing the envelope with wicked sarcasm and cutting wit, but sometimes your humor is so above me I just think WTF THIS IS SO GAY I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS FAGGOT IS ACTUALLY POSTING IT.
So how bout a little help for us litte guys down here?
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-01-27 19:14:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
finished your audit, faggot?
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2007-01-27 17:30:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Fannypack
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-01-27 15:43:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
...you take obsession to a new creepy high. It's artful.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-01-27 15:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-01-27 14:30:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You've convinced me you're just not capable of doing any better, so I was only going to give you a -1 for the bad writing. Then came the uber fellation.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-27 12:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Made me think of a Similar time
In the Tropicannibal motel
Takin' showers 'bout every hour
'Cause I wasn't really feelin' well
Well in walked the Alabama Leanin' Man
His ol' buddy Billy Swann
Two old hairy ass hillbillies
Still up and hangin' on
Submitted by waterbottle (user info) at 2007-01-27 12:41:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it 'twas quite funny.
Submitted by jojo747 (user info) at 2007-01-27 12:10:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-01-27 12:06:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Had you lived in Elizabethan times, you would have been beheaded.