Ubertines 07: We Shall Be Overwhelmed (410 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 2 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by goferforhire <goferforhire.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2007-01-28 14:06:25 EST
I get into situations like these, and the stupidest little thoughts run through my head, little attentions to meaningless details or worthless observations like how kiss is an onomatopoeia or how love and loathe are basically the same word. As she moves her arms around my shoulders to accomodate for the slight difference in our heights, my paranoid little mind wonders if she's pulling any muscles, stretching like that. Another stupid thought- should have stuck with that dancer -floats through my head and I force myself not to chuckle. Stifling concerns that laughing at a time like this would choke one or both of us, I try to focus on the romance of the occasion rather than the peripherals, and let myself enjoy it for just a few moments. Before I black out and collapse to the patio outside her third story appartment, I experience a small jolt of wonder that a first kiss could be so... overwhelming. The thought is gone in a second, and with it my consciousness.
***********************************************
I am awake. The walls are rubber and white and there is a small glass panel through which I can very clearly see men in labcoats holding clipboards and, most likely, talking about me. I run a quick list through my head of all the disorders I could possibly have- paranoia and OCD came to mind before anything else, but that wouldn't explain the straight jacket I wouldn't think- and come to the conclusion that I have been committed by a friend by some mistake. A thought runs through my head- have any of them met her? Would they believe me if I told them who she is? Do they think I'm crazy? -and then the doors open. The scientist, or the psychologist or whoever is coming towards me and fixing one of those practiced gentle expressions onto his face. There is a small needle in his hand, and before I can reason out what kind of substance they are injecting me with I am numb and sleepy. I awake on a table, lit with electrodes and strapped down tight.
"Who is she?" The doctor asks me, holding a hand in the air. I think he's gesturing to the guy by the switch, but that's just a guess.
"Who is who?" I ask honestly, not knowing which of the various shes I've seen over the course of my life or even the last few days he would want to ask me about.
He checks his clipboard before responding- "Erica." He says it like it's a statistic, "You keep talking about an Erica but we can't ascertain that she exists."
"Have you tried calling her and asking her if she exists?" I say, trying to make it sound like a joke rather than raving lunacy. The doctor tosses his an assistant a meaningful glance, the switch flies down and for a second I am utterly blind and I have the distinct feeling that I am about to die.
"Michael, subtelty isn't working so I'm going to try to just tell you. We've checked through your personal records, and we've even tried calling the number you've saved in your phone for her, but all we get is an automated message about dog food. You've been holed up in your room with "her" for the last few days, and you forgot to eat. Luckily for all of us, your landlord found you, got you to the hospital, and the hospital got you here. We are going to keep you here for as long as it takes. Your background doesn't indicate any risk of you being schizophrenic, and you're long past the age where you should have noticed it... we're going to hold you here for about a month and keep tabs on you for a while in the real world when you're gone."
And that's what happened. Every day I was strapped to a table and presented with stories and images. I tried hard to determine what was and wasn't real, but it wasn't easy. Eventually, I just learned what it was they wanted me to think and I responded accordingly. Every now and then the rules would change and I'd be screwing up again, but I was performing well and the doctors were pleased.
The strangest thing was that even as I was telling them how unreal she was, the only thing I could think about was Erica. Every time they shocked me, I thought about our first kiss, and all of the stupid thoughts, and her little laughter when I told her I was going to kiss her and she should go ahead and slap me now if that was a bad idea.
The night before I was to be reviewed for dismissal, I lay awake thinking of her. She was there, in a way, floating over my head and taunting me with her questionable reality and deep, alien beauty. I reached up to touch her and she disappeared. As I sat there, unable to sleep, I began to wonder what my life was going to be like without her. That week we'd spent in her appartment (or was it just some hotel room somewhere?) was magic, in a way. It was like all of the stupid thoughts that twisted my brain into pieces and made me incapable of functioning in normal society with normal people didn't really matter. She was, real or not, the only person who'd ever liked me for me. I guess maybe if she's not real I can scratch self-confidence off my to-do list.
*******
"Michael, we have no further questions for you. You seem to have responded to the treatment well, and so I have no problem apologizing to you for its severity. Is there anything else you would like to add?" The doctor's comment was not directed at me, but I took the bait anyway before his peers could bullshit me any further.
"Doc, if it's so easy for me to have honest to God faith in something that doesn't exist, how can I be sure of anything? Can I be sure of this? Can I be sure of me? I don't have a damn thing to go on anymore if I can talk myself into a new reality just by wanting it to be true." The first thought that went through my head after that little schpiel? That has to ruin my chances of getting out of here today. Stupid.
He pondered it for a bit, twirling his gray stereotype mustache and just generally looking pensive. Finally he said something, and it was just bullshit enough for me to take it seriously.
"Michael, I can't give you an answer for that. I can tell you that this hallucination is a fluke, and that even though you have a few disorders running around in there, none of them are serious enough to make this happen again without some kind of serious stimulus. Honestly, I can't even explain this one. As for how you live, Mike- can I call you Mike, by the way? -you just take things as they come. I'm not so much of a philosopher, but I think it was Descartes that said 'I think therefore I am.' You'll always have that. No one can take your own existence away from you, not even you. If you want reality, Mike, you've got to work from there. Take little steps and you'll be able to make it. You're alive, and that's reality enough. You're free to go whenever you like, no one's going to keep you."
***********************
And with that it was gone. I walked home even though my car was in the lot. It was a long walk, but I felt like it and it did me a lot of good. I spent a good three hours on sidewalks and bike lanes, getting battered by the residual winds from the high speed traffic and trying to piece things together. I came up with something passable enough to be called a life, I think.
I exist. This road exists. These cars exist. There is a sky, and an earth, and a collection of random people who may or may not have the same kind of function that I myself have, but it doesn't matter if they do or not. The world is my experience of it. To try to perceive it all as real, all at once, is too much. It could overwhelm us even at our most sane.
***********************
She is there, in my appartment. Her appartment. Hotel room, wherever this is. The doctors are wrong, I am certifiably crazy. On the bright side, I know that if I just remember to eat this time no one will notice.
I can't decide whether to be relieved or frightened as she clears the room in a few quick strides, clinging to me and weeping. She is speaking, but I don't know whether or not to listen because I don't know whether to embrace this reality or not. I want to be sure, I want a life that I can trust and that will not leave me strapped to a cold table writhing in pain when I take faith in it. At the same time, I want her.
Erica looks up at me and her eyes are shining. She whispers words and try as I might not to hear them, I can read her lips mouthing 'I love you' and I can't stand it. I lean in and I kiss her, strong and deep and as she wraps her arms around my shoulders to accomodate for the slight difference between our heights, there is only one thought in my head-
"Cogito Ergo Sum, baby."
User Reviews
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-29 10:06:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Last line cinched the +2.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-01-29 09:47:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent, though editing the formatting might get it better reviews.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-01-29 02:20:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2007-01-28 22:57:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If Ubertines was over today, this would be my vote for winner.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-01-28 19:31:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Smooth.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-01-28 19:29:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-28 15:57:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Real, imaginary..love the one your with.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-01-28 14:35:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
write my ubertines post for me.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-28 14:14:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-01-28 14:07:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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