Ubertines 07: Strangers (590 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.97 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ghola (View user info) at 2007-01-28 15:34:09 EST
A shrimp's heart is in its head. I guess I can relate.
"Your car smells like vomit and cigarettes."
I reach over and turn the radio up so that Prairie Home Companion booms out of my crappy speakers. She shifts in her seat so that her back is almost facing me and her feet are propped against the passenger side window.
It's true. My car does smell like vomit and cigarettes, but there's not really much I can do about it. I'm going to keep smoking in it and I'm not going to quit giving my friends a ride home. They don't actually throw up in the car so I'm not sure where the smell comes from.
I don't answer her. I just listen to the radio. I'm not sure what the theme of the show is, but it sounds to me like some man is just rallying off random facts. It must be an introduction to something or someone.
"Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid
airborne particles resulting from the flush."
So that means that when I flush the toilet, anything in it can travel six feet? I wonder how fast I can run away after I flush. I think that at home I can escape fairly quickly, but in a public bathroom I'd have to unlock the door. That'd take an extra second or two and might not save me from those airborne particles.
The road's starting to get hilly. We both stare out the window as we rise and fall over the blackened pavement. She's sitting normally now, with her back against the seat and her feet folded under her. I wish I knew what to say to her. We're on the way to see her parents. They live in North Georgia and we go visit them once a year. Well, once a year for the past three years.
Right on cue, she starts talking. "My parents are trying to make the attic into a fourth bedroom. They're not sure if they'll make it a guestroom or what. Dad says he wants to rent the space out. To a stranger. Can you imagine?"
She doesn't wait for a reply. "What sort of person would want to live in someone's attic? I mean, someone they didn't even know? They could be murderers."
"You're parents will be fine," I reply.
"No," she says. "That's not what I mean. I mean, how does this random person know that my parents aren't murderers?"
"Your parent's don't look like murders."
She points at the next exit, up head of us. "Stop there. I gotta pee."
We never make it very far without her needing to stop for a bathroom break. It can be a four hour drive and she'll need to stop twice. For an hour ride she'll need to stop at least once. I'm not sure how it all works, but I've gotten accustomed to it. Gotta pick your fights.
I pull into the Wendy's parking lot and she gets out of the car. I know better than to stop at the Chevron across the street. She says that convenience store bathrooms are dirtier than fast food bathrooms. The worst bathrooms of all are grocery store bathrooms. I don't think I've ever gone to the bathroom in a grocery store.
The speaker on the radio is saying something about how pearls melt in vinegar. I wonder how somebody figured that out. Was it an accident or did they try to clean their pearls with vinegar?
She gets back in the car and pops the lid off of her vanilla frosty. She offers me a bite, I shake my head, and we pull out of the lot.
"I keep wondering," she starts, "how long they're going to keep the vanilla frosty. I hope it's not one of those seasonal things, like that Smokey Mountain Chicken Sandwich."
The Smokey Mountain Chicken Sandwich is her favorite. It's basically a spicy chicken sandwich with Colby Jack cheese and bacon and some sort of spicy orange sauce.
"So," I start to say. "Your dad-"
She cuts me off. "Do you remember those cars where you could take the keys out of the ignition and it'd keep running? My aunt had one of those cars when I was a kid. It was an old Buick that she had reupholstered with black leather. Can you imagine a trashy broke down Buick with leather seats? It was fabulous."
"We're gonna be there in under an hour," I say to her. The blinking clock on my dashboard reads 4:43.
"I know," she replies. She's stares out the window again. Old pines stretch up out of the ground rising above us into an otherwise open blue sky.
"When I was a kid," she starts again, "A tree fell on my grandmother's trailer. It fell straight through the house into the living room. We had to climb over it to get out the front door. After that day, every time the wind blew and pine needles fell out of the sky, like it was gonna rain or something, I got scared."
I cover her hand with mine. My palms are hot and sweaty from holding the steering wheel, but she doesn't complain.
"They say he could get better. He could go into remission again, just like last time."
I nod at her and we both stare out ahead of us.
The guy on the radio is still talking. "Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older."
We ride that way, quiet and staring out the window until we pull into her parent's driveway. They have an old basketball goal that no one uses positioned bout halfway down the drive. The grass hasn't been cut in a while and weeds are growing up around the front porch steps.
"How many people do you figure live around here," she asks, gesturing around her.
"About two billion," I reply without hesitating.
User Reviews
Submitted by carbon (user info) at 2007-07-27 23:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ikari_shinji (user info) at 2007-07-26 16:28:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2DIE FUCKING BITCH
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-01-29 20:05:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-01-28 15:45:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me with the shrimp
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-29 15:30:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This has a delightful opening. Those two lines just reach out and grab you.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-01-29 13:28:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't stand a chance against you. Go Ubertines, whoo!
:(
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-29 12:47:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here. In case you care about ratings.
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2007-01-29 11:02:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely, as always.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-01-29 10:25:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"So that means that when I flush the toilet, anything in it can travel six feet? I wonder how fast I can run away after I flush"
I've often pondered this myself.
I also love the vomit and cigarettes bit.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-29 10:10:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love your descriptive word choice.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-01-29 09:12:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me really sad and I'm not sure why. Well I am, but not to the extent that I'm sad.
Don't worry, I only have half a clue what I'm on about.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-01-29 02:13:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-01-29 02:10:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2007-01-28 23:16:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RPharazon (user info) at 2007-01-28 23:09:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The worst bathrooms of all are grocery store bathrooms."
Fuck yes. And they're even worse in Mexico.
Seriously, I needed to take a shit so badly that I was on the verge of a shit explosion, so I formed up in line inside of the washroom. The toilet became free, but then I realized something.
There was no seat, the bowl was stained, scrawdy penii were graffiti'd (and vandalized) on the stall wall, and the door didn't have a lock.
Then (And I shit you not, which is sort of the point), I heard my shit say "Oh fuck that!" and I felt it shoot UP my rectum.
I didn't take that shit until 2 days after.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2007-01-28 22:34:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I could have been riding in the backseat the imagery was so clear
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-01-28 20:28:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A bases-loaded bottom of the ninth home run of a post.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-01-28 19:44:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmhmmm
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-01-28 17:45:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a 1.5 but I don't have the heart to ruin your streak. I like the way this flowed and the character you chose to tell the story but it was lacking a definitive ending. I guess that is just my interpretation.....for what it's worth.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-28 16:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you think I look hot now, wait until you see me without any clothes on! I'm talking WAH WAH WAH HOT! I'm talking HATCHI MATCHI YAI YAI YAI HOT! YIP YIP! Come on d00d, click me!
====
http://www.newgrounds.com/ads/adult/anime_super2004_1.gif
Oh, the horror.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-01-28 16:32:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-01-28 16:30:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
You said "blackened pavement", but isn't pavement black already?
----
you know how some pavement is darker than others? you have that old pavement that's sort of blue-grey, but then there's that starch black stuff that's been freshly paved.
you're right about the plot bit.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-01-28 16:30:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You said "blackened pavement", but isn't pavement black already?
You are a good writer- you can describe the moment perfectly and your imagry (what the fuck, imagery... er fuck anyway) is fantastic. When I read your posts I SEE what you are writing about, not the words.
However, I half always been disapointed with your plots. NOW, don't take this as "Corinne is a bitch and pointing out my flaws, I hate her so much". I'm just saying. It's like you have all these wonderful paints, but the canvas hasn't been pulled tight enough to create a good painting.
I'm giving you a +2 so as to not ruin the streak.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-01-28 16:23:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-01-28 16:08:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at "A."
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-28 15:55:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes they make good companions, don't they?
The toothbrush thing made me laugh, I always put the lid down first.
I ramble on like that sometimes.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2007-01-28 15:53:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I been inside a restroom at a grocery store. They should put a sign outside of the restrooms with "Enter at your own health risk" on it. Actually, all public restrooms should have this sign.
Not bad story. +2.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-01-28 15:45:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me with the shrimp
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-01-28 15:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-01-28 15:34:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/97970