Cigarettes: Better than Sex (1269 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.57 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2007-01-28 16:56:19 EST
As of 8am this morning it has been six full days since I smoked a cigarette.
I never thought I'd quit. I wasn't one of those people bitching about the price. If it came down to it I'd grow my own tobacco or start smoking my couch cushions.
I didn't care about the stink factor. At work I wash and rinse after every smoke break, and at home I do what I want and fuck you if you don't like it.
I wasn't overly concerned with the risk of cancer - no one as yet has CONCLUSIVELY proven that cigarettes cause cancer. There are strong indications that it does, but then there are also strong indications that a wrathful Old Testament God is watching over me, because ever since I started jerking off to that Nazi porn collection I bagged on eBay a year ago I haven't won one single dollar on my daily lottery scratchers.
I've had a bad cold the last week or so, and last Monday I woke up and realized that cigarettes were undoubtedly contributing to my general shitty feeling every time I got a cold. And I'm not contradicting myself. There is a difference between doubting the risk of cancer and realizing that inhaling smoke year after year will leave your lungs as clogged as a lint catcher in a dryer at the laundromat down the street.
I have a doctor who, before moving to a nice practice, worked in a clinic in the Haight in San Francisco. He looked like it too - the first time he ever came into the exam room I thought I was gonna get molested by a Hell's Angel on a bender, but he turned out to be a really cool guy. He saw it all, abscessed piercings, crack babies, and heroin addicts. And he said that without any doubt nicotine is harder to kick than riding the horse.
So now I'm chewing that fucking gum that tastes like rat rectum after 30 seconds and trying to sleep at night while the craving digs at me. I have to break all the habits I formed, escaping from stress and assholes and bureaucratic bullshit during smoke breaks at work, firing up while cruising Uber in the evening, and yes, lighting a smoke and feeling that sweet, sweet balm relax my nerves and muscles and then sitting down on the john and taking a long, luxurious dump while reading Stephen King or Michael Connelly and ignoring the growing stack of Time magazines beside the tub.
I haven't has a decent night's sleep or a decent shit in a week, and I've noticed far too many coworkers at the office reading the Warning Signs chapter of the Violence in the Workplace handbook we all got a while back.
Yet I do feel a littler better, even after a week. My chest is looser and my sinuses are clearer, and my appetite is back with a vengeance, so it's only a matter of time before I look like Elvis near the end. And it's only a matter of time before I die like Elvis too, straining on the toilet until I blow out a blood vessel in my brain, so I better start adding some serious fiber to my diet.
With all the good I am doing for myself, I miss cigarettes. I miss them dearly, and I've come to realize that they were better than sex.
With cigarettes, foreplay lasts about as long as it takes to flick open my Zippo.
Cleaning out an ashtray is easier than cleaning a bunch of bed sheets.
Once you've smoked a cigarette, the discarded butt doesn't want to talk about relationship issues.
There are no safety issues with cigarettes. Every pack contains twenty pristine virgins waiting to pleasure you.
You don't have to visit a cigarette's family, or worry about them running up your credit cards.
Cigarettes never have a headache.
It's okay to fantasize about somebody else while smoking a cigarette.
You can smoke two cigarettes in a row without having to take a few minutes to recharge.
And finally, you don't mind if your pets stare at you while you are smoking a cigarette.
Of course, the other major cause for concern right now is that I'm not getting any sex, either, so I'm sitting here staring at a glass that isn't half full or half empty, but completely fucking empty, and all I can think is, 'Man, I could flick my ashes into that glass.'
User Reviews
Submitted by phuchuebuddy (user info) at 2008-09-13 16:17:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cigarettes cost over $8.00 a fucking pack in NYC now.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-01-31 22:29:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I haven't smoked in 22 years.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-31 22:00:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-29 21:58:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've tried quitting about a dozen times, then decided to just stick with smoking when our government decided to shit all over the rights of bar-owners and reducing smokers to a sub-species who are out to kill your kids.
Here here...or Hear hear!
Submitted by jojo747 (user info) at 2007-01-31 21:46:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-29 21:58:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've tried quitting about a dozen times, then decided to just stick with smoking when our government decided to shit all over the rights of bar-owners and reducing smokers to a sub-species who are out to kill your kids.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2007-01-29 18:31:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The ending part made me laugh.
This is exactly how I quit smoking. I had some insane super virus that had every orifice in my head completely congested. My throat was ripped to shreds and it hurt to even drink hot tea.
I was like that for 2 weeks, and after not smoking for that long, I figured, "Why the hell should I go back now?"
I was a professional smoker and never thought I could live without cigarettes. I've been smoke free since June 22, 2006. Not even a puff, not even a drag.
And I don't miss them one bit.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-01-29 13:57:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i'm hooked on tobacco like a goddamn research monkey
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2007-01-29 12:23:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck with that.
I am smoking a full fat Marlboro as I type this.
Just sayin'
-Dave
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-01-29 10:52:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"and at home I do what I want and fuck you if you don't like it."
A-fucking-men.
Oh and rat rectum is yummy. So I hear.
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2007-01-29 10:39:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear by The Patch.
But I still miss smoking. =(
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-01-29 10:35:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"or start smoking my couch cushions." +1
"jerking off to that Nazi porn collection" +1
eh, give in. I did and I haven't regretted it since!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2007-01-29 10:02:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"There are strong indications that it does, but then there are also strong indications that a wrathful Old Testament God is watching over me, because ever since I started jerking off to that Nazi porn collection I bagged on eBay a year ago I haven't won one single dollar on my daily lottery scratchers."
-------------------------
A +2 for that. Awesome.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-01-29 09:22:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cigarettes don't swallow.
Submitted by Johnny_Rocketfingers (user info) at 2007-01-29 05:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-01-29 05:07:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna buy your book soon, quite interested in the Phoenix Suns.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-01-29 04:50:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i dont get any cravings.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-01-29 01:56:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2007-01-29 00:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-01-29 00:34:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad I never did any nicotine replacement. That way, when the nic fits were gone, they were GONE.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-01-29 00:33:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Before I read this, I'm going to say I'm sorry about whoever it is *you're* sleeping with.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2007-01-29 00:18:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My doctor prescribed me with Chantix, because I'm too weak-willed to quit on my own.
At the beginning, you choose a date to quit, then you take Chantix seven days before the date. It's okay to smoke for those seven days, but upon your quit date (which is this Wednesday for me), you have to do your best to cut down or quit, while doubling the dosage of the medicine. As it builds up in your system, it blocks the receptors in your brain that crave nicotine.
Well, a few people at my workplace are taking it, and they haven't even touched a cigarette since. Keep it in mind if things get way too hairy.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-29 00:00:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just learned that even if I vehemently disagree with the title I can still greatly enjoy a post. You rock. Can't argue with your observations but sex is definitely better than smoking lol.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2007-01-28 23:03:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're such a fucking great writer that even reading you talking about quitting smoking (good for you, btw) is a good read. Quit wasting time on Uber and write a book.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2007-01-28 23:03:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're such a fucking great writer that even reading you talking about quitting smoking (good for you, btw) is a good read. Quit wasting time on Uber and write a book.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-01-28 22:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good on ya, fella.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-01-28 22:28:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2007-01-28 22:20:39 (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't think you're qualified to make that sort of comparison you kibble peddling loner
-----------
Love the random hate!
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2007-01-28 22:20:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't think you're qualified to make that sort of comparison you kibble peddling loner
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2007-01-28 22:16:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cigarettes: Better than Sex
~~
How would you know?!
Hahaha!
*
I spent literally MINUTES making this video for you, to help you quit smoking, and to even forget about sex. You big blockhead!
The audio isn't great.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpAjYJbIsk
Submitted by swimmingbirdblue (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:40:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't quit yet, but I'm toying with the idea. Best of luck.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:35:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GAH!!! I understand perfectly.
I have this death virus right now. I actually passed out at one point from coughing so hard. It's a full blown infection and every time I try and smoke, I just cough, hack and gag. So now on top of being quite ill, I'm nicotine deprived as well. At least I'm getting my Menthol fix from these fucking cough drops...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:07:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well - congrats!
It's tough - but you seem gritty enough to pull it off.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-01-28 20:27:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
congrats. good luck with that.
it's been exactly 2 minutes since my last dip.
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2007-01-28 20:26:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-28 19:38:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2007-01-28 19:14:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good on you.
I've been lying to myself that I can quit for three years now. The most I've been able to go is about 5 days.
"Quitting smoking is the easiest thing is the world; I've done it a thousand times."
( I can't remember whose quote that is... but it ain't mine, so I won't pretend like it is. )
----------
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." Mark Twain
Also this:
"As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep and never to refrain when awake."
Also this:
"I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time."
On second thought. Maybe I'll keep smoking. Mark Twain was a badass.
----------------
That's it! Thanks!
Mark Twain was much more eloquent than I could ever be, or ever try to be.
Submitted by mynameisandy (user info) at 2007-01-28 19:43:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nobody likes a quitter.
But good luck with that shit.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-01-28 19:39:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's been exactly 16 days
since my last cig.
no help. just cold turkey.
i dreamed last night
that i bought a pack, but
i didn't open them. i woke up.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-28 19:38:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2007-01-28 19:14:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good on you.
I've been lying to myself that I can quit for three years now. The most I've been able to go is about 5 days.
"Quitting smoking is the easiest thing is the world; I've done it a thousand times."
( I can't remember whose quote that is... but it ain't mine, so I won't pretend like it is. )
----------
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." Mark Twain
Also this:
"As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep and never to refrain when awake."
Also this:
"I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time."
On second thought. Maybe I'll keep smoking. Mark Twain was a badass.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-01-28 19:23:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What you need to do is convince yourself that cigarette smoke is the filthiest thing that there is, that helped me curb my cravings.
Um...I mean...
Your body is the Temple Of God. You must repent for defiling it!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-01-28 19:15:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-01-28 19:03:07 (#)
Ranking: 1
"at home I do what I want and fuck you if you don't like it."
That's my attitude when i biologically engineer the stem cells in my bathtub to be homosexual Muslim males between the ages of 17 and 40.
--
Exactly! Just like no one should mess with me while I'm cleaning the semi-autos I'll use to blow the heads off of any homosexual Muslim males between the ages of 17 and 40 who come within 1000 yards of the McCallum Compound.
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2007-01-28 19:14:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good on you.
I've been lying to myself that I can quit for three years now. The most I've been able to go is about 5 days.
"Quitting smoking is the easiest thing is the world; I've done it a thousand times."
( I can't remember whose quote that is... but it ain't mine, so I won't pretend like it is. )
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-01-28 19:03:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"at home I do what I want and fuck you if you don't like it."
That's my attitude when i biologically engineer the stem cells in my bathtub to be homosexual Muslim males between the ages of 17 and 40.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-01-28 18:58:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hope it works out for you
Submitted by SoulSeller (user info) at 2007-01-28 18:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate when my dog watches me smoke...but sex...eh, its natural......
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-01-28 18:44:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sucks to be you.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-01-28 18:44:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck, Jack.
You've just inspired me to try to quit...again. Smoking, not sex. One has to be having sex in order to quit having sex.
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2007-01-28 18:08:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
too fucking true.
quitting sucked
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2007-01-28 17:54:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Though I don't give two fucks about your health or your sex life....the bottom section of this stack of bullshit was funny.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-01-28 17:53:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
way to go man, i quit for a little bit but fuck me, i fell back into the hole and attempt #two is proving little success
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2007-01-28 17:41:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-28 17:29:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations. You may have stopped smoking cigarettes, but you have yet to stop smoking cocks.
Either way, nice work. Have a +2.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-01-28 17:16:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
go you. always good.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-01-28 17:03:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good for you
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-01-28 17:02:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Smile
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2007-01-28 17:02:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah, very nice... I need to quit smoking too... I smoke way too much.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-28 17:01:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good on ya, Jack. Give it a few months and a few lays and you'll likely change your mind.
I haven't bought a pack since June, but would still smoke a few when I was drinking. Now, even that has faded. It's a catch-22- I still have strong cravings now and then, but when I smoke now I feel sick- I've had one cigarette since Christmas day, I did not enjoy it.