Open letter to our disgusting roommate. (976 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.82 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Siren© (View user info) at 2007-01-28 21:01:46 EST
Dear Peter,
It's time you moved out. You are disgusting, and I hate you.
I hate you Peter. I've given you all I've got. You're a huge douche, and the mention of your name makes me want to vomit. Find a house now, or I will tie you to your gargantuan blue couch and burn down this house just so you will die.
I hate it when you cut your own hair and leave it all over the bathroom sink, toilet, and floor. While we're in the bathroom, I don't know how you do it, but get rid of the poopy toilet paper shavings you leave on the back of the toilet. Do you wipe by attaching toilet paper to a power sander? How do you get poopy toilet paper shrapnel on the back of the toilet? Gross. No wonder you're a 24 year old virgin.
I hate how you eat. If you ever get a girl to go out with you, for the love of all that is good, don't take her out to dinner. Last night as you were slurping spaghetti, I wanted to slap your teeth straight. I understand that eating spaghetti requires an occasional slurp. Though, once it's actually in your mouth, the slurp slop slapping should cease. And for God's sake, there shouldn't be any slurping or mouth smacking with a chocolate chip cookie. It has no moisture or cumbersome non-mouth shaped dimensions. You are so
gross.
Fix the fence door you broke.
Fix the front door you broke.
Fix the shower head you broke.
When I step on your large, sharp, jagged, toenails that get stuck in the bathroom rug, I remember that you are less human than my husband and I. This may explain why you can't read. If you could read, you wouldn't put dirty dishes in the dishwasher when the magnet CLEARLY says "clean."
Maybe cleanliness isn't your forte, though. How could it be? You use your electric griddle to make grilled cheese and such, but don't clean it after (or before) any use. Instead, you scrape the crumbs, dried cheese, and grease off the griddle and onto the floor. THE FUCKING FLOOR!!!! Are you serious? I guess it beats an inch of grease from your filthy George Foreman grill the drips onto our stovetop.
The next time you decide to paint the kitchen, please sand first. I don't like the look of the previous owner's fake brick appliqué under the bright red paint. Sanding after doesn't work. It only dusts our dishes, food, counter tops, and almost entire house with red paint dust.
I hate your stupid crooked front tooth.
I hate the way your foot cracks when you go up the stairs.
I hate that I can hear the sound of your military dog tags before I see you.
I hate when you kick my cat for no reason.
I hate that you take 48 hours to do laundry.
I hate that you only wear khaki pants and plain grey t-shirts. Even in winter.
I hate your "I'm better than you" tone.
I hate that your diet is primarily cookie dough and cheese and you're still fit.
I hate when you interrupt a movie I'm watching to tell the main character to take her shirt off.
I hate that you say you want a slutty girl, but when one talks to you, you turn into uptight one-word-response man.
I hate that you take girl showers that last forever, using the entire hot water supply.
I hate that you try to win arguments long after you've been proven wrong.
I hate that you think you know all.
I hate that you insult Mystery Science Theater when I watch it.
I hate that you enjoy grating my nerves on purpose.
I hate that you make a gigantic portion of pasta and leave the leftovers in the fridge until it is unrecognizable.
I hate the sound of your voice.
I hate that you never put the toilet seat down. Even after my warning from Samuel L. Jackson.
I hate that your bedroom is organized militarily, yet you're filthy in the rest of the house.
Most of all, I hate your hideous enormous blue couch. I hated it even before Steve sat on it and broke it.
I hate you so much.
Sincerely,
Your landlord's wife
*************
Haha to Bart's new double insult when submitting a post without a title.
User Reviews
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-03-14 05:00:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-01-29 18:16:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Flatmates are cunts and should be banned
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-29 16:47:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to marry Peter
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2007-01-29 13:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just reading that made me ill. Throw him the fuck out.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-29 12:51:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sux to be you, d00d
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-01-29 11:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-29 00:19:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-01-28 23:08:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:19:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
oh.... ......... ................. you know he's masturbating in your shower, right? and that you're standing in it? It never *completely* goe...... nevermind.
---------------------------------
ughhhhhh BLARF, I used to live with 5 guys.
----------------
muhahaha
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oddly enough, my worries of sharing the shower with their man spendings wasn't as pressing as the fact that I could HEAR them hawking louges in the shower, and one of them pissed on the telly one night... this is obviously after he pissed on some fat girl he hooked up with, his girlfriend, his friends leg at a bar, the heating grate in the kitchen, and every sink in the house.
There was upsides to living with guys though, no girl drama.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-01-29 11:31:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I suppose I should be grateful you changed my name to "Peter" to try and protect my identity. I always thought you liked those poop shavings.....
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-01-29 11:19:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow! I suggest smashing his face with a brick when he goes to sleep.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-01-29 10:53:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
the whole "poop shavings" bit
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2007-01-29 10:52:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-01-29 04:23:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet you write notes for him. You note writer, you.
-----------------------------------------
Hahaha... actually I've only written one note. I printed a pic of Samuel L. Jackson with a text of "I have had it with this muthafuckin' toilet seat being up every time I need to use the muthafuckin' bathroom!" I then taped this to the under side of the toilet seat. It remains to this day, and has helped 0%.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-01-29 06:52:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-01-29 04:26:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Just out of curiosity: Is there any good reason NOT to put dirty dishes in the dishWASHER?
___________
Don't put dirty dishes in a dishwasher full of clean dishes thats just wwaiting to be emptied.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-01-29 04:46:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-01-29 04:38:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-01-29 04:26:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just out of curiosity: Is there any good reason NOT to put dirty dishes in the dishWASHER?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-01-29 04:23:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet you write notes for him. You note writer, you.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-01-29 01:50:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-01-29 01:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Roommates are horrible. I will do anything to avoid ever having to have one. No living space that requires a roommate to pay for is worth it to me. I have a huge, beautiful apartment, and having it all to myself is absolute heaven.
Submitted by Hyperfuzion (user info) at 2007-01-29 01:09:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Simply amazing. I heart you
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2007-01-29 00:43:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-29 00:19:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-01-28 23:08:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:19:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
oh.... ......... ................. you know he's masturbating in your shower, right? and that you're standing in it? It never *completely* goe...... nevermind.
---------------------------------
ughhhhhh BLARF, I used to live with 5 guys.
----------------
muhahaha
Submitted by deinonychai (user info) at 2007-01-29 00:03:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Almost a carbon copy of some subhuman I had to live with for eight months.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-01-29 00:02:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Peter Gibbons?
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2007-01-28 23:52:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent
"Stupid Cal.. eat my ravioli.. he can eat my ass!"
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-28 23:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-01-28 23:25:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ew!
Only one solution...
SMACKDOWN!
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-28 23:17:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All righty then... picture this if you will... 10 to 2 AM, X, Yogi DMT, and a box of Krispy Kreme's in my "need-to-know" pose just outside of Area 51, contemplating the whole "chosen people" thingy when just then a flaming stealth banana split the sky like one would hope but never really expect to see in a place like this. Cutting right angle donuts on a dime and stopping right at my Birkinstocks, had me yelling only "fuckin' shit!"
Then the X-File being, looking like some kinda blue-green Jackie Chan, with Isabella Rossellini lips, and breath that reeked of vanilla Chig Champa, did a slow-mo Matrix decent outta the butt end of the banana vessel, and hovered above my bug eyes, my gaping jaw, and my sweaty L. Ron Hubbard upper lip and all I could think was, "I hope Uncle Martin here doesn't notice that I pissed my fuckin' pants!"
So light in his way, like an apparition, that he had me crying out... "Fuck me!" It's gotta be the dead head chemistry. The blotter got right on top of me. Got me seeing E-muthafuckin-T!
And after calming me down with some orange slices and some fetal spooning, E.T. revealed to me his singular purpose. He said, "You are the chosen one. The one who will deliver the message. A message of hope for those who choose to hear it, and a warning for those who do not." Me! The chosen one. They chose me! And I didn't even graduate from fuckin' high school!!
Then he looked right through me with somniferous almond eyes. Don't even know what that means. Must remember to write it down. This is so real. Like the time Dave floated away. See, my heart is pounding, because this shit never happens to me. Can't breathe right now.
It was so real. Like I woke up in Wonderland, all sorta terrified. I don't wanna be alone while I tell this story. And can anyone tell me why y'all sound like Peanuts parents? Will I ever be coming down? This is so real. Finally it's my lucky day See, my heart is racing, because this shit never happens to me. Can't breathe right now.
You believe me, don't you? Please believe what I've just said. See, the Dead ain't touring and this wasn't all in my head. See, they took me by the hand and invited me right in. Then they showed me something. I don't even know where to begin. Overwhelmed as one would be placed in my position... such a heavy burden now to be The One, born to bear and bring to all the details of our ending, to write it down for all the world to see. But I forgot my pen. Shit the bed again. Typical.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-01-28 23:12:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kk
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-01-28 23:08:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:19:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
oh.... ......... ................. you know he's masturbating in your shower, right? and that you're standing in it? It never *completely* goe...... nevermind.
---------------------------------
ughhhhhh BLARF, I used to live with 5 guys.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-01-28 23:04:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was heaps funny. a mate had some douche move in lately. The douche brought a girl home and used my mates bed to have sex. the douche found a new place to live.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2007-01-28 22:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a roommate right now who doesn't know where the mop is. This was a fun read.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-01-28 22:33:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I had to confront my roommate this morning about a hole he punched in the kitchen wall sometime yesterday. He denied it.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-01-28 22:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Waaay past time to ditch this loser. How did you end with him as a paying roomate? Was it the money? Not worth your sanity or quality of life - is it?
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:53:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
DC, there was a notice there before, but it said something else. This is newER.
Submitted by swimmingbirdblue (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:49:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:45:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HaHa Hate
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:38:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:15:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
Axolotoatlototalraisinbran:
Hi. Ubersite is a serious writers' forum. We ask that you not submit your message with a WHOLE LOT OF YELLING in the subject line. Thank you.
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That's been there for years and years....I can't ever remember it not being there....
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:19:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I HATE HOW PREGNANT CHICKS ARE ALWAYS SHOWING OFF ABOUT HAVING SEX
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:19:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh.... ......... ................. you know he's masturbating in your shower, right? and that you're standing in it? It never *completely* goe...... nevermind.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:15:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Axolotoatlototalraisinbran:
Hi. Ubersite is a serious writers' forum. We ask that you not submit your message with a WHOLE LOT OF YELLING in the subject line. Thank you.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:14:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FIGHT!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:14:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob, you're wrong. He isn't cool. He's shasta mcnasty.
Danger, nothing's wrong with virgins. Just PeTAR.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:14:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's bart's new insult?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:13:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Peter sounds cool.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:11:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT'S WRONG WITH VIRGINS
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-28 21:06:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, this is a +2 by the first sentence.