Ubertines 07: Bartback Mountain 1 (555 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.68 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Michael Jackson (View user info) at 2007-01-29 00:26:12 EST
PROLOGUE - The "Mountain" speaks
"We loved with a love that was more than love."
Poe said that.
I have no idea when or where, nor do I care, I just like thinking about that quote over and over again.
I was never really an educated man. Sure, once upon a time I was a successful programmer with a fast paced Chicago lifestyle, now a lowly Shepard standing on the side of a mountain in Wales, just outside the small city of Bangor, in the rain.
As I stand with my back to the mountain.
From my wallet, I pull a tear stained photograph of my one true love.
Long gone.
She's was taken from me.
It's the reason why, that on the same day that they too would have come for me, I chose to flee the United States.
The coward that I am.
Traversing the Atlantic, seeking refuge in a land where only they could understand me... and my urges.
I place the photograph back in my wallet, where it shall be safe and look towards my sheep for comfort. As a Shepard, I'm supposed to guide them, but more often than most, I feel as if they guide me.
Here on the side of that mountain.
In the rain.
I have no idea what the mountain is called, but what I am quite sure of is that it IS a mountain. So I give it the nickname, "Mountain," as I am too lazy to ask the locals what she is called (mountains are she's didn't you know?) and due to the fact that I don't want to blow my cover as an American.
My Mountain.
My name is Bart Cilfone and this is my sad tale. A tale of love lost and how bestiality is frowned upon everywhere in the world - except Wales.
CHAPTER 1 - And that is why I keep a photograph of a pig on me...
The Pig and Whistle is a quaint pub just off the High Street.
Maybe there's some irony in why I frequent a pub called The Pig and Whistle, but it's been a long week and I'm in no mood for jokes.
The place is nothing special, but at the same time maybe just a little magical, a small bar counter, six bar stools, two tables, a dart board and the fact that it's just a three minute walk from the room I'm renting above the post office, that make the place feel like home.
Ok, that's a lie.
Comparing the Pig and Whistle in a Welsh town is nothing close to Chicago. Sometimes I just don't understand myself. Talking in backwards riddles and trying to sound like I'm worldlier than I really am.
Do I miss Chicago? Sure I do. Am I going back there? Not until the government realizes that people like me need love to. Until that day, Bangor will be my home.
"You don't belong here."
Snap out of it Bart, one of the locals is talking to you. Just shake your head, pay your bill and leave.
"You a Tourist?"
"No, I've been here for about six months now."
Shit, why did I tell him that? Are you fucking stupid? Now he's going to start with questions and the next thing you know, immigration is going to be on your ass. They'll deport you back to the United States, where you'll be punished for your "crimes." Shit, shit, shit!
"Six months? Why anyone would want to stay in Bangor for more than a week would be beyond me. What are you doing for work or are you just living here on mommy and daddy's money?"
"I'm herding sheep."
Shut up you fool.
"Sheep hey?"
Fuck, he's on to me. I quickly excuse myself, blaming it on weak bladder, as I head off for the bathroom. Praying for a way out, a back door, a window, a trans dimensional gateway to another universe... just anything to get the fuck out of here.
No door...
No window...
No trans dimensional gateway to another universe...
"You left your wallet on the bar friend."
I turn.
It's the same guy from the bar, holding my wallet in his outstretched hand. His thumb holding it open on the section where people usually keep photographs of their children, wives, husbands, parents...
...But there's only one photograph I keep in my wallet.
To be continued?
And now a completely unrelated picture:
User Reviews
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2007-02-06 19:18:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshyLarry (user info) at 2007-02-06 11:08:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"CUT THE MULLET"
Do something about your long, filthy hair
It looks like a rat's nest
Do something about your mullet
Get out the hair clippers, jerk
Cut the mullet, Cut the mullet, Cut the mullet, Cut the mullet
Get the rat's nest off your head
Get that crazy-ass mother off your skull
Take your ass to the barber shop
Tell the barber that you're sick of looking like an asshole
Cut the mullet, Cut the mullet, Cut the mullet, Cut the mullet
The mullet is the reason why people hate you
They are sick of looking at your nappy weed-sack
Nobody wants to look at you with that mullet on your head
Why don't you cut that mullet, you numbskull
Rock over London, rock on Chicago
Insure One, it's the insurance superstore
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-02-01 06:45:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Transfer of "ButterflyStrokes.mp3" is complete.
Thorpe says:
incidentally this song is also about paedophilia
Thorpe says:
at least, Michael Jackson's house
//--ART Vandalay--\\ says:
hahaha ive been to his house
Thorpe says:
huh
//--ART Vandalay--\\ says:
im kidding......just a random comment
Thorpe says:
i thought maybe you knew someone called Michael Jackson
Thorpe says:
I have been sent an autographed kumquat by Michael Jackson
Thorpe says:
see:
//--ART Vandalay--\\ says:
hahaha i love the word kumquat
Thorpe sends:
Transfer of "wow_i_autographed_a_kumquat.jpg" is complete.
//--ART Vandalay--\\ says:
thats truly amazing
Thorpe says:
isn't it?
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2007-01-29 16:21:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-01-29 16:05:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
I heard you were back in the states breifly on a stopover to Japan.
WHY DIDN'T YOU VISIT?
-------------------
I did, but your neighbour, the one with the 2 boys, you know the 12 year old with the blue jumper and the 8 year old with the lisp that likes skittles, I think she also had 3 daughters, she called the cops on me whilst I was knocking on your door!
What kind of messed up place do you live in?
Rad tells me I bought a house in Vegas! Shamone!
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-01-29 16:05:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I heard you were back in the states breifly on a stopover to Japan.
WHY DIDN'T YOU VISIT?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-29 14:49:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Retalitory +2.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-29 13:16:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shamone!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-01-29 10:31:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-29 10:19:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-01-29 06:45:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That's an unrelated picture, all right.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-01-29 02:41:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
clever
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-29 02:11:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh. how about this. When I was about 15, my mate and I cut the end of our neighbours hose, taking the nozzle as well (ensuring our quick escape), and went upstairs to my room to make a bong. A few cones later we heard the lady next door demanding her 7 year old tell her why he cut the end of their hose.
My friend and I just sat in my room and stared at each other, and listened for about 10 minutes more until finally the exasperated little chap threw his hands in the air and admitted doing it. We then listened for another 10 minutes as he tried to answer his mothers next question, "Why?". My friend snorted smoke and probably spat a little bit of bong water on my bed, giggled, wiped his chin and said, 'dude'.
He was a shit of a kid anyway, so alls well that ends well.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2007-01-29 01:53:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No, I knew that. Andy Thorpe tells me everything.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-29 01:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2007-01-29 01:41:21 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-29 01:31:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS IS A STUPID POST MICHAEL JACKSON
---------------
Tell me something I don't know
-------------------
i have no pubic hair
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-01-29 01:45:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2007-01-29 01:41:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-29 01:31:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS IS A STUPID POST MICHAEL JACKSON
---------------
Tell me something I don't know
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-01-29 01:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GO WESELY WILLIS AND BEARS WOO
boo ubertines
blaarf
GO BEARS WOO!!!
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2007-01-29 01:37:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"My name is Bart Cilfone and this is my sad tale. A tale of love lost and how bestiality is frowned upon everywhere in the world - except Wales."
I can't not +2 that.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-29 01:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS IS A STUPID POST MICHAEL JACKSON
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-01-29 00:56:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
except Wales...
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2007-01-29 00:44:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Turn aim on
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2007-01-29 00:36:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My name is Bart Cilfone and this is my sad tale. A tale of love lost and how bestiality is frowned upon everywhere in the world - except Wales.
__________
Very nice.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2007-01-29 00:28:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Ubertines is so Emo!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/97970