Finally, Christians Got Something Right (699 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.72 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_bored now) (View user info) at 2007-01-29 03:56:01 EST
I say finally, but it was nearly fourteen years ago. http://www.gamepraise.net/reviews.php?gameinfo=Super%20Noahs%20Ark%203D
Super Noah's Ark 3D
How fantastic this game truly is remains to be seen by yours truly, but I imagine it to be fucking awesome. What is nothing more than a hacked version of Wolfenstein 3D turns about to be pretty much everything everyone wants with a bible story.
Noah, prick of pricks, keeps fucking the animals. Eventually the animals get more than a little pissed off and begin to rebel. You're job, as Noah, is to destroy the evidence before the ark lands and mankind has to return to self-species mating to bring new life to the world. And Noah has a sneaky plan. He gets a catapult and fires the shit out of a load of goats or whatever's lying around and then throws them overboard.
I can't find any evidence to verify this, but as this is the internet, and you just read it, you can pretty much accept it as hard fact.
With a new threat around every corner (all of which look like the same goat painted a different colour), it appears to be a suspenseful game that leaves it's original, Wolfenstein, eating it's highly moral dust.
But the best part of this, the true fantastic nature of this unlicensed, hacked and mostly illegal gameplay (you have to use other games to bypass the shitty security of a SNES) is that Christians seem to like it. Not only like, but approve.
Hence it being on "game praise", whose intentions are 'to bring video games to world that are made in honor of Lord and Saviour, Jiminy Cricket' and getting a whopping 7 out of 10.
Now I'm no expert when it comes to Christian morals and the double-standards, so once again this is unverified, but if someone took the awesome looking game "David vs. Goliath" (http://www.gamepraise.net/reviews.php?gameinfo=David%20vs%20Goliath) and stole every inch of code, but replaced David with Ron Jeremy, Goliath with Jenna Jameson and replaced the five shitty stones with sperm samples, then Game Praise would be more than a little pissed off.
As I've now found a new enemy in the form of this website, my heathen friend Pac-Man and I have a mission. Of course, pussywhipped Donkey Kong wants in as always, but is too scared he'll get into trouble with the lady and the square from Tetris is a devoted Catholic, so they're both out.
Anyone out there good enough to assist us with this, get in touch. We would be most grateful.
User Reviews
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-08-08 08:14:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. I just started reading your stuff. You are funny.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2007-03-20 12:30:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to Mel Gibsons Safari 3 mate!
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2007-01-30 09:15:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-29 12:42:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Do they say 'Mein Laben' when you kill them?
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If they do, I'd start going to church
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-29 12:42:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do they say 'Mein Laben' when you kill them?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-01-29 12:26:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't find any evidence to verify this, but as this is the internet, and you just read it, you can pretty much accept it as hard fact.
Bwahahahahahaha
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-29 10:21:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
COME BUST A MOVE WHERE THE GAMES ARE PLAYED
IT'S CHILL, IT'S FRESH, IT'S NOAH'S ARCADE
*crosses arms*
Submitted by greEn_uGly (user info) at 2007-01-29 08:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
square from tetris....
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-01-29 08:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the david and goliath game has an 'incomparable ninja mode'.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-01-29 07:21:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How bizarre...
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-01-29 05:17:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-01-29 04:50:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is just what I need on a monday morning.....
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-01-29 04:17:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sometimes nath... only sometimes... I have not the faintest idea what you are talking about.