One of my drinking escapades (428 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -1.36 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <PEN15> (View user info) at 2007-01-29 12:49:48 EST
Hey everyone, I wrote this story, which is true, I think a year ago. I was influenced, at the time, by Tucker max... www.tuckermax.com. I have a few of them, but I am not sure if they are actually funny, or if my friends just think it is funny because they know me...
Here goes:
We had just won our volleyball tournament (fuck you, volleyball is very enjoyable) and we wanted to get drunk as fuck. At the beginning of the night we weren't even sure we could get everyone beer, not only because we were underage, but all the beer stores we went to were closed.
Side note: In Ontario, beer is only sold in what is called "The Beer Store" and liquor and some beer is sold in the "LCBO" Liquor Control Board of Ontario.
9:15 - we arrive to beer store number one, about 5 kilometres away from my house, and another 2 kilometres away from where we are going to drink. It is closed.
9: 25 - we arrive at the next destination, the LCBO. It was about 8 kilometres away, in the opposite direction. It is closed. I begin to get scared.
9: 35 - we arrive at another LCBO about 10 kilometres away. My bro goes in (he is 19, legal buying age in Ontario) without any I.D. and they ask him for it. He comes out empty handed. We go to The Beer Store which is in the same parking lot. They card too. SHIT! We are desprit so i convince my friend to ask a cabby to buy it for us. "I don't tink so buddy" was what he said. My bro was getting pissed that we were dragging him around so he wanted to go to his girlfriend's house.
9:45 - we get to my friends house so he could grab his fake I.D. as a last resort
9:55 - we drop my brother off at that bitches house
10:20 - we go all the way back to The Beer Store. I sat in the car with "Downer" waiting for "Bernard" to get the beer. As we sit there, we see what seems to be a drug deal right infront of us. They realize we are watching and move.
10:25 - My friend and I are wondering why it is taking him so long, so we turn around the car so we can see the front door of the beer store.
10:30 - we see my friend come out with 8x6 tall boy old milwaukee cans and I yell "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAH" out the window and a gathering of people infront of the Tim Horton's and they all look at Bernard with the beer, then look at us in the car, and figure it out themselves.
10:35 - on the drive back we see a piece of shit van going in the passing/fast lane going real slow. We decide to blow by, and them being a bunch of fat fucking kids, they decide to chase us. They can hardly keep up, and we weave through some cars at a just turned green light, and they do the same. We are going down a road, 2 lanes, one going north, one going south. and we are going slow to see just how stupid these kids are. They try to pass us in the other lane, but had alot of momentum since we got the lead and slowed down they were still trying to catch up. just as they go into the other lane I pin it and they can barely get to the side of the car before we pull away. The next stoplight we wait for them. They tell us to go their way to race them, i say "fuck that come our way, its way better". I didn't realize it then, but it was so stupid, cause we didnt want to be followed by a bunch of fat fucks for the rest of the night. We were behind another car and they passed us both, and I then slowed down very much, turned off the cars lights, and turned down my bro's girlfriend's street.
10:45 - we go back to my brother's girlfriend's house to give him the car, so I don't have to drive drunk. They aren't there.
10:50 - we get to my friend's house where we are going to drink. My brother is there, what a nice surpise, now not only do I not have to drunk drive home, but his bitch of a girlfriend is there!
The rest of the night time was not kept track of, so i will say the events in order of when they happened.
I open the night drinking one can real fast, setting down a base for the rest of the night. The next beer I drink, I convince everyone there who is drinking to shotgun one with me. We go into the kitchen and we put holes in the bottom of the cans. The other four of them just sprayed beer everywhere! Beer on the counter, on the drawers, all over the kitchen. After a quick wipedown we move into the front of his house, and start the competition. Naturally I won, and I really don't know who came next, frankly I didn't care, we went back into the house, grabbed some more beers and moved to the backyard, where we each shotgunned another beer.
We go downstairs and there are something like 8 guys, 3 girls, and one puppy named Guiness (he drinks beer!!). We all drink more, except for the girls, which drank little to no alcohol. I then polished off two more cans. One to prove that I was not drunk.
Somehow I got into a conversation with my brother's girlfriend...
Flashback: I was 16 in grade 11 at my friends party across the street, my brother's girlfriend (we will call her "Josie") was in attendance. This was before I or my brother knew she existed. Two of my friends pissed in a bottle of wine and offered it to her, telling her it was wine. She drank it up like it was the last drink she would ever have in her life. She actually drank the whole litre. I did not have any knowledge of this, and she came up to me, and slapped me in the face as hard as she could. Then I learned the story.
Back to last night, this is the conversation we had.
Josie: Remember when I slapped you?
Al: Yes, I do
Josie: Why did i slap you again?
Al: Are you serious? Its because you *drinking motion* you know.
She then kicked me in the nuts. I fell to the ground promply, and crawled about 7 feet away from her. I had never been as pissed off in my life as I was at that moment. I began to yell and make sure everyone knew she drank piss, and tried to make her even more angry. I said a bunch of lines to everyone, sometimes I adressed people individually, but made sure everyone knew she drank piss. These lines were said in between the surges of pain I felt in my nuts.
"HEY EVERYONE, JOSIE DRANK PISS"
Progressively I thought of meaner and meaner things to say.
"JOSIE SMITH DRANK HUMAN URINE"
"THE STUFF THAT COMES OUT OF A MANS WANG EVERYDAY, SHE DRANK IT UP"
"ONE WHOLE LITRE OF IT, NOT JUST A SIP"
"AN ENTIRE WINE BOTTLE, THE WHOLE THING, THEN ONLY DID SHE KNOW IT WAS PISS"
(still loud, but adressing one person) "HEY MICHELLE, JOSIE DRANK HUMAN PISS"
(to my brother, still loud) "HEY MIKE, EVERYTIME YOU KISS HER YOU KISS PISS"
I don't think I have ever thought of so many good things to say. She eventually got up and left, along with everyone else. That is the time that Pat decided the party was going to shut down and we were going to move over to drink at the school near his house. As soon as Josie left the room my bro just shook his head. Simply hillarious.
After we got out of the house I decided to be nice to her, then I realized she tried to make me impotent. My friends, Josie and some others went in the playground area, to toke up. I was yelling at her from below the playground "HEY BITCH, REMEMBER WHEN YOU DRANK PISS". After some time my friend brought some drifters over to the park. I told them all to yell "Josie drank piss", and they did. I thoroughly made a fool of her. I don't think I can ever forgive her for her actions. I don't think I will ever talk to her again, unless it's to tell her that she drank piss.
User Reviews
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-04-08 08:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If you're gonna call it a "beer store" then I don't think it's gonna be much of an "escapade".
Submitted by mynameisandy (user info) at 2007-01-30 22:09:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
That read like arse rape.
It was also a very shitty anecdote.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-30 21:48:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life.
-- Homer Simpson
Burns, Baby Burns
Submitted by aldenso (user info) at 2007-01-29 13:27:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you love a man and you are calling me gay?
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-01-29 13:18:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I love tucker max. with a little editing,and less... less... gayness, you couldcome close.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-01-29 13:17:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
2007-01-29 12:49:48 - This shit gets posted and annoys Ubersite.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-29 13:17:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Tucker Max is a rectum licker.
MALE rectum.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-29 13:10:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
that blew
Submitted by Gunslinger (user info) at 2007-01-29 13:08:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You're like 10 kinds of retarded, aren't you?
Submitted by aldenso (user info) at 2007-01-29 13:08:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the rating and thanks for the tips. I've been reading from this site forever, just never thought I'd post anything. I finally grew the balls and did.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-29 13:04:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some rules:
1. Don't post more than once per day.
2. If someone gives you a bad rating, don't give them a bad rating out of revenge.
3. Always use spellcheck and good grammar (after all, this is a serious writer's forum).
4. Don't impersonate other users.
5. Do not +2 your own posts. Your ratings do not count if they are on your own post.
6. If you post something that could get someone fired if their boss saw them looking at it, add "NSFW" in the title.
7. If you attach a picture, make sure it is not in .BMP format. BMPs take up space and do not show up correctly.
Follow these rules and you'll be on your way to Uberstardom!
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-29 12:59:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mwahahahaha. You are one funny fucker.
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2007-01-29 12:59:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this really did suck ass
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-01-29 12:58:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This fucking sucked. Use capitals.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-29 12:54:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey everyone, I wrote this story, which is true, I think a year ago
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dont quit your day job