You & Me, We've Got A Disease (717 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.53 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kaos-king (antius777) (View user info) at 2007-01-29 17:51:44 EST
**DISCLAIMER** THIS POST IS ESPECIALLY GROSS & VIVIDLY DISGUSTING
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As I heard someone walking across the wooden deck to my apartment door, I tried to open my eyes. Interesting. One was coated with a layer of wet mucus while the other had crusted completely shut. I run my thumb through the infection on my left eyelid, clearing it away as the knocking begins.
Stumbling off the couch and around the coffee table, I work my knuckle into my right eye, pressing the grit away. I bang my toe on the bookcase trying to reach the door. Merely scowling, the base of my palms attack lashes, eyelids and surrounding area. Sight, now only slightly more than an abstract concept, was achieved as I opened the door.
"Hi hon, I just wanted to stop by and see... Jesus, you look like shit!"
I usher Candice in the door impatiently, made a guttural noise and lurched towards the bathroom. I had just made it to the door when it starts again. Shallow, the cough is still wet and I can feel things moving in the back of my throat. That little tickle, that slight shift, sets in all off. Next I know, I'm coughing deep and I try to cover my mouth, but it grows faster. It becomes a quick series of gags, each one shaking my body. One hand clutches the counter of the kitchen sink and my other is lost somewhere between my lips and bent, sore abdomen. Then, in a manner that is perversely orgasmic in nature, fluid is released. The throes of my body have unlodged the slightest bit of thick green disease, it falls on my tongue and I spit it into the garbage can.
This was a particularly bad one and I collapse back against the door frame. My legs are unsteady, but I manage to stay upright this time. My hand wobbles like an elderly person's, but it's to my face, pushing the mucus out of now both my eyes. With little grace, I lean forward to the sink to wash my face.
"Holy fuck," says Candice with a sound in her voice that sounds much like awe, "I don't, I... I don't think I've ever seen anyone cough that bad."
Drying my face off, I croak out in my new voice, "Yeah, I'm not real happy."
"Do you have any more medicine? Better stuff or antibiotics? What about some hot tea, or... I hope you're not drinking this soda," she says reaching for a Diet Coke can on the coffee table.
"Gah! Don't touch that," I choke out loud enough to both get her attention and send me into another fit of coughing.
Her hand paused inches away, she cocks a eyebrow at me. "Why?"
I make my way feebly over to her and pick up the soda can. I'm past caring about any form of etiquette, so I look straight at her as I spit the chunky green wad of infected phlegm into the mouthpiece. Quite pleased with myself for the look spreading across her face, I decide to add...
"Almost filled one up yesterday."
"That fucking disgusting," she states.
"And what the hell would you have me do? I cough, I hack, I get a mouthful of diseased snot. Should I chew it up and swallow it back down? Maybe fill a nice, dainty little handkerchief or walk to the bathroom every..."
My rant is lost in another coughing seizure, a bad one.
Eventually I feel nothing, I know nothing.
And then I'm lying sideways against my brown couch, my body shaking in what feel like small convulsions. The light of the room returns and I'm barking out quick, short bursts of a hack. A massive shiver runs through my body informing me of how suddenly cold I am.
"Oh fuck! Oh fuck, you just passed out!" exclaims Candice.
"Hmmm... that would be the fourth time it's happened."
"I'm taking you to the Emergency Room!"
"Fuck no, " I hack. "I don't have the money for that. I'll make it to the MedCenter Clinic tomorrow."
"Well, have you eaten anything?" asks Candice.
"Sure, and I've thrown it back up."
"I'll make you some tea," she says.
"I hate tea," I say.
"Shut up, you're going to drink some tea."
"You know, of course, WHY I'm in such a shitty mood?" I ask her
"Eh, because you have Ebola or SARS or some shit?"
"No," I manage to grin, "I haven't had an actual full cigarette in almost twenty-four hours."
"This is a dangerous situation," she tries to say with a straight face and fails.
"Don't laugh at my addiction," I scold between my own laughing coughs. "Now go make me tea."
User Reviews
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-01-30 21:06:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sepsis feels like a big boy, like a tough strong man when he flames a post with a -2.
Everybody look at Sepsis! Now let's all clap for our brave lil' Prince!!!
We are ever so proud of you, Sepsis.
What you lack in talent, creativity and personality... well, you've made it into a smile!!!
Hush now, darling one! You've had such a big, exciting day as a worthless shit. Time for nap-nap...
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2007-01-30 20:42:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
didnt read it
enjoy this -2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-30 14:38:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-01-30 10:04:14 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-29 22:32:55 (#)
Ranking: 1
Ever cough so hard your gooch hurts? No, no, not your balls. And not your asshole. The middle ground. Yes? No?
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Its called your ABC: Ass Ball Connector.
And when I've got something in my throat and I spend an hour gagging and hacking trying to get it up and it finally comes, it really is just two threads away from an orgasm.
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Slip a finger in your ass the next time you're hacking, then.
I mean...
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2007-01-30 14:13:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
guess what song is stuck in my head now?
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-01-30 13:58:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:03:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
actually harry old chap its the barse or the biffins bridge doncha know.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-01-30 10:04:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-29 22:32:55 (#)
Ranking: 1
Ever cough so hard your gooch hurts? No, no, not your balls. And not your asshole. The middle ground. Yes? No?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Its called your ABC: Ass Ball Connector.
And when I've got something in my throat and I spend an hour gagging and hacking trying to get it up and it finally comes, it really is just two threads away from an orgasm.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-30 09:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2007-01-29 22:06:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Me and you and a dog named Boo/
Travelling and living off antibiotics.
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Now THAT was almost better than the post!
Almost.
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2007-01-30 07:41:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It pains me greatly to do this but +2 for the Bad Religion reference in the title.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-01-30 04:59:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-29 22:33:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time, involve more Secretion and Discharge.
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... and now I'm erect!
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-01-30 04:32:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty well written, could of had a bit more actually happen though.
You know, when you've smoked for years, this story just happens once in a while, it's called a chest infection.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-29 22:33:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time, involve more Secretion and Discharge.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-01-29 22:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ever cough so hard your gooch hurts? No, no, not your balls. And not your asshole. The middle ground. Yes? No?
Oh so it's just me every once in a rare while, then?
Fuck. Guess I'll get that checked out.
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2007-01-29 22:06:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Me and you and a dog named Boo/
Travelling and living off antibiotics.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-01-29 21:52:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it, but thank you for this!!!
**DISCLAIMER** THIS POST IS ESPECIALLY GROSS & VIVIDLY DISGUSTING
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2007-01-29 21:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by swimmingbirdblue (user info) at 2007-01-29 20:25:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Feel better. Have a 2.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-01-29 20:03:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor guy. You may as well stick to not smoking or it'll keep coming back. Feel better.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-01-29 19:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you and me have a disease,
you affect me, you infect me,
I'm afflicted, you're addicted,
you and me, you and me
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-01-29 19:03:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
-1 for not being nearly as disgusting as you claimed.
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2007-01-29 18:42:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good sick shit.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-01-29 18:32:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...and the only prescription is MORE COWBELL!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-01-29 18:20:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This rampant infection is going all over this part of Ohio.
I can't smoke BECAUSE I'm so sick, and that makes me angry.
Been a fucking nightmare trying to find some asshole doctor who can just look at me for 2 minutes and write a script for AntiBiotics, without charging me all of next month's rent up front. The bitch at the MedCenter didn't seem to understand my insurance has an immediate co-pay. The local Clinic won't see me BECAUSE I have insurance. General Practioners are booked, and I'm not going to shell out the $$$ to the Emergencey Room.
GAH! If I could just sleep more than 2 hours straight without walking up coughing I would be fine...
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-29 18:19:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I had that before, minus the eye snot. It sucks, you need antibiotics and strong ones. None of that pussy shit.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-01-29 18:18:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, another +2 for the voice croak. I'm there now. When I speak it sounds like Camryn Mannheim is standing on my ballsack.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-01-29 18:13:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i am sick and i am not a smoker.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-01-29 18:07:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Being sick while trying to quit smoking is really annoying.
"Wait a minute... I'm not smoking but I'm still coughing my guts out. No fair!"
http://www.ubersite.com/m/98040#2293590
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-01-29 17:58:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS POST IS ESPECIALLY GROSS & VIVIDLY DISGUSTING
"I spit the chunky green wad of infected phlegm into the mouthpiece"
Yep, that pretty fuckin' disgusting right there.