Hmmm.... So This Is What It Feels Like To Have A Red Hot Poker In The Anus (8288 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.93 on 98 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2007-01-30 10:49:12 EST
"It's the little things that put the spice in life."
Bollocks.
It's the fucking red hot jalapeño peppers, the Scotch Bonnet chillies and insanity sauces that put the spice in life.
I've always loved me some hot and spicy food. In fact, I pretty much heat up everything I eat in one way or another. Tabasco sauce in tomato soup. Raw chillies in a chicken salad. I love it.
Suffice to say, I've built up a hefty tolerance to the hot stuff. What I would consider to be a mild chilli con carne would cripple most grown men, and my homemade curries could be considered dangerous for consumption.
My local curry house knows me so well, that when my number appears on their caller I.D, they simply pick up the phone and say "yep, chicken Phaal, extra heat and rice. Be about half hour, Joey."
Any time, day or night, just gimme the heat. I've eaten Vindaloo for breakfast on several occasions, and I use my limited edition Hardman hot sauce to spice up a sandwich.
There's nothing that I can't handle.
I'm a Bruce Lee of the culinary kind.
Hard as fuck.
Or so I thought.
Friday night saw my brother's 30th birthday, and although I can't stand him and his circle of friends, I thought I better show my face.
After visiting a few of the pubs in town, we decided it was time to get something to eat. The chosen venue was a new curry house that had just opened, which suited me fine.
The restaurant itself was nice. They even had 'beer towers', which I'd never come across before. For people who don't know, these things are the ultimate shit. They hold 9 pints of your chosen lager, which is kept cool by the frosted thermos tower walls. Every time you finish your glass, just help yourself to more out of the tap at the bottom of the tower. Brilliant.
But it wasn't just the choice of drinking vessels that had attracted us to this particular restaurant.
No.
It was me. Me and my big fucking mouth.
"That new curry place has got an offer on. They reckon they do a dish so hot that if one person can eat it all, your whole group eats for free. C'mon, I'll eat it all. Piece of piss."
I was so certain that I even told people not to bother getting any more cash out of the ATM's, because there's no way we would have to pay. I'm the fucking curry king, me.
They gave me a few dubious looks, but I was supremely confident in my quest. I'd never been beaten yet, and I wasn't about to start now.
We went inside, and after we had settled down with our drinks, the waiter came over to take the order.
"Yeah, I'll have the 'hot' curry you do. I'll finish it, no problem."
"Are you sure?"
"Listen, I know what I'm talking about. Bring it on!"
After taking everyone else's order, he proceeded to the kitchen, where I'm sure I heard the fuckers laughing. Well, I'll fucking show them.....
When the food arrived, I was the last to be served. I think this may have just been done for effect, as when the guy came through the kitchen door with my meal, he was holding it away from his body, as if it was a bomb that was about to go off.
What he placed down in front of me was like no other curry I had ever seen before. It was almost black, and the surface was bubbling away, giving it the impression of a boiling tar pit. I got a whiff of the stuff, and I could almost feel the hairs in my nose begin to melt. Oh well, no turning back now.
I picked up my fork, and tentatively speared a piece of chicken that was poking up from the depths of the deathly looking sauce. I suddenly became aware of the faces that had appeared at the little round window that led to the kitchen, reminding of that scene from Jurassic Park. The 2 guys behind the drinks bar appeared to be having some sort of bet.
I put the chicken in my mouth and began to chew. I was expecting it to be hot. What I wasn't expecting was for my mouth to explode with intense, agonising heat, that seemed to seep upwards and into my brain in a matter of seconds.
I remained calm and collected on the outside, not wanting to give the game away. On the inside, my tongue felt like it was having contractions, and my gums were bleeding molten lava. After what seemed like eternity, I had sufficiently chewed the offending piece of meat to consistency that I could swallow. The sauce on the chicken burned my throat, and I could feel it as it slid down my gullet and headed towards my stomach.
"Mmmm, not bad, not bad at all," I said, reaching swiftly for my pint glass, and trying to casually neck the entire contents without looking desperate.
I piled up another fork load, and shoved it into my mouth, determined to chew and swallow as quick as possible to avoid the agonising heat that was still trying to melt away my face from the inside. Already I could feel beads of perspiration popping out across my forehead.
My brain was screaming out to me. This was madness! For fuck's sake, don't carry on!
But personal pride is a motherfucker. And seeing as nobody even had any money on them, I wasn't about to spend the next 6 months washing dishes for these Indian fuckwits.
I managed another few mouthfuls in quick succession, but by now sweat was streaming down my face, and my calm composure was completely gone. I was having to down nearly a whole pint of beer between each mouthful just to put the flames out.
I got about half way through, and I was in pain. My lips were stinging, my eyes were streaming, and my throat felt like I had drunk a gallon of drain cleaner. I pushed the bowl away, and the watching waiter came over to the table.
"So, you cant finish the meal, no? Well, you'll have to pay..... You should be proud though, that was a good attempt. Just not good enough....."
Right. Fuck you. I'm not being beaten by these assholes.
I grabbed the bowl and pulled it back in front of me. What the hell was I doing?
I pushed on, tackling the dish one mouthful at a time, pausing after each swallow to drink more and more. My tower was starting to run low already.
But by this point, I was on a mission. The pain began to become irrelevant. I picked up speed, getting a second wind, and started piling 3 or 4 bits of meat into my mouth in one go. I was really going to do it!
5 minutes later, I was wiping up the last of the sauce with a bit of naan bread, and I held the bowl aloft, like a hunter with a prized trophy.
"Ha! Fuck you guys, all done!"
The waiter came and checked the bowl, and looked at me like I was some sort of maniac.
We left the restaurant, and I got a taxi back home, where I passed out and dreamed some seriously trippy shit.
The following morning I was in no need of an alarm clock. My stomach was churning, and making noises that surely weren't natural. As I swung my legs out of bed, I doubled up in pain, and squatted down on bent knees. Already I could feel my colon starting to contract, and as my stomach gave another mystical churn, I wondered if I would make it to the toilet in time.
I crawled naked on my hands and knees along the landing, cursing myself for being such a stupid bastard. I could see the toilet through the open bathroom door, taunting me like a despotic tyrant would taunt a prisoner who was just about to be executed.
As I reached the door, my stomach let out another gurgle of pre-explosion turmoil, and my passage began to open up against it's will. It was coming whether I wanted it to or not.
I leapt up from the floor, and cleared the remaining distance in the air, landing on the toilet and hugging the cistern and shaking - I hadn't had the time to turn around.
I had just made it, but I wished I hadn't.
It was like a brown river had just burst a dam, and it's raging torrents were now free to cause havoc and destruction.
As the curry had burnt my mouth the night before, my wretched bodily waste would now rain fire and brimstone on my ravaged rectal passage. The searing heat radiated through my intestines, and you could have fried an egg on my ass crack.
I hugged the cistern tighter, and prayed for it all to be over, prayed for the pain to stop. Even when my bowels had been fully evacuated, I couldn't bear to wipe at first. I reached a hand up to the cabinet, and pulled out a handful of cotton wool. Then, leaning over to the sink, I soaked the cotton with fresh, cold water.
The cool refreshing cotton helped, but it still didn't completely take away the fire that still burning relentlessly away. 45 minutes later, I managed to clean up the remaining mess, but I was to walk like John Wayne for the remainder of the day.
Later that evening, I paid the curry house another visit.
"Seriously, guys - what did you put in that thing? You could run a fucking power plant on that stuff."
The chef went into the kitchen, and came back with a small black bottle. The top on the bottle was actually a golden skull. It looked like a bottle of poison from a dark fairy tale.
"Blair's 6 a.m reserve", he said in a deep grave like voice. "Only a thousand bottles ever made. It's the closest you can get to pure Capsaicin without it becoming crystalline. Tabasco sauce is about 2000 Scoville units. This stuff registers in at nearly 16 million Scovilles. I had to sign a disclaimer just to get it. One drop in a gallon of water will produce extreme heat. We put several drops in your curry alone!"
"You bastards! That's attempted murder."
"No, my friend. That's just business. We wouldn't make any money if we had everybody getting free meals."
I resisted the overwhelming urge to punch him in the face, and left the restaurant, and vowed never to return.
Blair's 6 am reserve - it's a little bit of death in a bottle.
User Reviews
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2007-02-21 13:49:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-02 03:26:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-02-01 23:35:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
was it a vindaloo?
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It had chicken and peppers, but no potato, so it was more of a Jalfrezi kind of dish...... but with this stuff added into the mix, it was something else altogether.... I would dub it a 'magmaloo', if you will.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-02-01 23:35:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
was it a vindaloo?
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2007-02-01 16:22:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the beer tower.
This fall I was in Germany and there was a few places that you ordered beer by the meter.
Schweet action.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-01 05:51:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2007-02-01 04:42:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
beer tower?
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I could do a whole post about these things, but my net connection is down at home, and at work all my net sources are blocked because of alcohol related content.
But they truly are ingenious things. Do a google search, you'll see what I mean.
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2007-02-01 04:42:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
beer tower?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-02-01 03:51:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Rupali restaurant in Biggmarket, Newcastle-Upon-Tyne does a similar thing.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-02-01 03:24:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was really fantastic.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-02-01 02:42:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew it was blair's about 1/2 way throguh the story... there's nothing in the world quite like that. it's like the devil's own semen.
good shit though (in moderation).
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-01-31 19:22:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-01-31 18:56:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So, this is what all the fuss is about. Huh.
I don't buy the story.
It was fairly humorous.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2007-01-31 18:43:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love you.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-31 15:22:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I created a Wikipedia article on Blair's earlier today, with a link to this post:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blair's
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-31 15:21:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Unfortunately, the 6 AM Reserve is illegal to own in all of Europe besides the UK.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-01-31 12:43:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-01-31 10:14:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
I had no idea all that Blair's stuff even existed.
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2007-01-31 04:05:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU ARE A GOLDEN GOD!
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2007-01-31 03:41:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome post.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-01-31 03:38:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-01-30 23:13:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds pretty intense, did you seriously finish it?
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Every last drop.
To be honest, after about half the dish, the burning was that intense that my mouth actually went numb - and this was the only reason I was able to carry on!
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-01-31 03:33:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. I come back into work this morning and there's all these questions.... I glad you all take so much pleasure in others misfortune!
ok let me start with:
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-30 13:41:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
explain more about this 'beer tower' concept - I am greatly intrigued...I'm quite serious, joey - TELL ME ALL YOU KNOW OF TEH MAGICAL TOWERS OF BEER!
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They work on the same principal as a thermos flask, kind of insulated especially to keep hot things hot and cold things cold. This restaurant had a front opening freezer, which they kept the towers in, so when they were ready to be used, they had a complete layer of frost around them.
Fan-fucking-tastic.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-01-31 01:29:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome. I like habanero peppers, which actually have a nice flavor once you get past the almost mind-altering heat. They have a slow burn that builds for a few minutes after you've eaten them. There's a Mexican restaurant here in L.A. that makes a killer salsa with habaneros as the main ingredient. If you order it, the waiter stands nearby and watches sadistically while you take your first bite. He also tells funny stories about people who've tried this concoction, and ended up on the floor in the restroom.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-01-30 23:43:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell us more about the beer towers. Make a follow up post about it tomorrow.
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-01-30 23:13:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds pretty intense, did you seriously finish it?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-01-30 22:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time, ask for it "Thai hot" mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
I like spicy, but not pain...
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Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-01-30 10:58:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting, but I'll bet I could eat it.
I grew up in Texas and Mexico and I put Mexicans under the table in chili, jalepeno and cabernero eating contests, no problem.
I've read the British writing about curry all my life and I FINALLY tried some at a thai resteraunt the other day. I was hardly impressed. What's the big deal about that stuff over there? This goop was like drinking lukewarm, sweetened milk. Bleah.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-01-30 21:28:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
spec tac
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-01-30 20:22:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this guy writes some quality stories
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-01-30 20:11:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SHUT THE FUCK UP MALTESE
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-30 19:07:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pepper spray is only two million units. Fourteen fatalities have been reported from its use in the United States alone.
<insert more FUCKFUCKFUCK here>
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-30 19:06:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just so you know, pepper spray is two million Scoville units.
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.
I seriously say you should consider suing them, as pure capsaican is a neurotoxin that can kill very easily if used in such concentrated form.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-30 19:00:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Really though, what a badass way to die...
Also, the sauce will burn your skin. You gotta wear gloves.
Capsaican, the chemical that makes hot sauce hot, is actually a very weak neurotoxin.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-30 18:59:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF, this is real, I shit you not:
Drinking one-third of an ounce is enough to cause a heart attack.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-30 18:50:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is more heated than the sauce.
(COME ON, that joke was inevitable!!!)
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-01-30 17:49:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a very similar incident one time.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-30 17:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
http://hotjobs.yahoo.com/jobseeker/tools/ept/careerArticlesPost.html?post=22
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-01-30 16:27:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-30 13:41:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
explain more about this 'beer tower' concept - I am greatly intrigued...I'm quite serious, joey - TELL ME ALL YOU KNOW OF TEH MAGICAL TOWERS OF BEER!
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I have decided that this "Beer Tower" concept needs investigating for use at large. I shall look into it and see if it may not be adapted for use whilst pool-lounging or sun-soaking.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-30 16:24:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're the Audie Murphy of curry-eating. Last comment.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-30 16:23:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Blair Sauce on eBay (all 2.5-ounce bottles):
2 AM (750,000 Scovilles - $28.95): http://tinyurl.com/37d5lv
3 AM (2 million Scovilles - $35.95): http://tinyurl.com/3ye77g
6 AM (16 million Scovilles - $825.50): http://tinyurl.com/3x3etv
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-30 16:13:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just looked at this site that sells it.
$298 (£152) for a 2.5-ounce bottle. Fuckin' hell.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-01-30 16:11:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
jOEYg, The singlehanded savious of ubersites
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-30 16:09:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a bottle of Red Hot Savina I got for Christmas; it's 577,000 Scoville units.
My ass was like a melting Goatse.
But sixteen million? I'd file rape charges.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-30 16:01:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a dumbass. I meant to click the link but clicked the X button on my browser instead.
I need to take a fucking nap.
Now, onto the post.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-01-30 15:53:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-30 13:41:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
explain more about this 'beer tower' concept - I am greatly intrigued...I'm quite serious, joey - TELL ME ALL YOU KNOW OF TEH MAGICAL TOWERS OF BEER!
Submitted by Still-Life (user info) at 2007-01-30 15:51:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-30 12:01:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-01-30 10:58:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting, but I'll bet I could eat it.
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I second that. I ate true Indian food with the best of them last summer, and nary a rumble was found in my stomach...and I mean REAL Indian spices, not the ordinary curry crap.
If you REALLY want to experience hell sometime, the only thing I've never been able to finish is true southern Cajun gumbo. Hell hath no fury like a gumbo prepared by an aged N'awlins chef.
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I wasn't going to comment after one, but two replies? Gah!
The average Habanero pepper is around 300,000 scoville units.
Blair's 6AM is 16,000,000 scoville units.
The math: 16m/300k = 53.3 repeated.
However much I doubt that 'true Indian curry' is hotter than a Habanero, it could be true. However, Indians don't have specifically bred food additives at their disposal like Blair's 6AM. One drop would bring almost any "spicy food advocate" to his knees, let alone several..
You could try it yourself; however its $300 a bottle. Something a bit more manageable and verging into the 1,000,000 plus scoville unit range is Da Bomb Final Answer, its 1.5 mil and about $35/bottle.
Submitted by Still-Life (user info) at 2007-01-30 15:21:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fucking shit, you are my hero. Blair's 6AM???? Jesus Christ.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2007-01-30 15:17:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
May I suggest buying some baby wipes with Aloe ???
This was awesome .. in Ontario we call your 'beer towers' beer bongs. There's a pub up the street that has them on for $8 every Sunday. Hello Monday hangover
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-01-30 15:16:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet jesus...
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2007-01-30 15:16:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another, because now I've wasted about 30 minutes reading up on all these types of sauces and would really like to go for an Indian style meal tonight, but have no friends in this city...
<weep> :<(
Who wants to join me for dinner? You're paying, I only spend my money on Skittles and poutine.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-01-30 15:15:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't read all that (OK any of that), but I don't recommend putting things in your anus junior.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-01-30 15:02:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your poor digestive tract. And poor you for having to clean your own molten feces off your tile.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-30 14:56:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2007-01-30 14:43:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:42:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm such a stupid cunt. Sorry man. Should have been a +2.
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What a dickhead.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-01-30 13:48:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-01-30 13:42:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best story teller on Uberstite.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-01-30 13:42:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-30 13:41:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
explain more about this 'beer tower' concept - I am greatly intrigued...I'm quite serious, joey - TELL ME ALL YOU KNOW OF TEH MAGICAL TOWERS OF BEER!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-30 13:19:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by street-pirate (user info) at 2007-01-30 12:12:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Scoville units indicates the number of measures of water you have to dilute a single measure of hot sauce for the taste to become unnoticeable. That means you'd have to dilute a water of that sauce with close to 16 millions liters of water to completely hide the heat flavor. This is some seriously hot shit. You still think you could handle it?
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Well, when you put it THAT way...maybe not. But I'd still try it.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-01-30 13:17:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick ass.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-30 13:09:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Had a similar expirience and challenge with something called Armageddon wings.... I'm sure i need not say more.
Believe it or not the same sick bastards that made the sauce you were poisoned with made one hotter - the pure isolated chemical substance that makes peppers hot in a bottle: http://www.hotsauceworld.com/bl6amrepeexe.html
Yours follows right behind it: http://www.hotsauceblog.com/hotsaucearchives/blairs-16-million-product-review/print/
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-01-30 13:04:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Director, Thai curries are mild.
Phaal are wrong :(
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2007-01-30 13:00:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What assholes, some guy is going to drop dead on them one day if that's the kind of stunt they're pulling
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2007-01-30 12:57:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent read. My husband is a hot sauce fanatic. Probably the funniest thing was the day he accidently dropped a bottle of Dave's Insanity on the kitchen floor. It splashed up onto his parts...let's say the sensitive parts. He didn't notice immediately, but about an hour later he was in INTENSE pain. Suffice it to say that scrubbing it off was not a wise choice. ;)
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-01-30 12:57:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At a hot wing eating contest we had chicken wings soaked in the bar's hottest sauce, with a liberal helping of Dave's Insanity sauce atop that. The first wing was also doused with "Purple Death", basically Capsaicin oil in alcohol with a bit of food coloring. On the word "Go", the eating began, but in his haste one guy flipped a bit of the sauce off a wing into his eye. He was in the bathroom for 25 minutes rinsing and swearing and crying, and he came to work with an eye patch the next day. Thanks for the memory.
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2007-01-30 12:55:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I do not like curry.
At all.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-01-30 12:41:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doogsterville (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:36:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:24:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:11:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading your stories makes me want to write again.
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If you make Pentameter right again Joey, you'll get +2's for life from me.
ahmen to that.
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Definitely +2s forever for that, but with your writing style, you'd probably be getting them from me anyway. Keep it up!
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I am so ashamed that I said 'If you make Pentameter right again Joey'...
Write again.... if you make her WRITE again.
Submitted by street-pirate (user info) at 2007-01-30 12:12:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Scoville units indicates the number of measures of water you have to dilute a single measure of hot sauce for the taste to become unnoticeable. That means you'd have to dilute a water of that sauce with close to 16 millions liters of water to completely hide the heat flavor. This is some seriously hot shit. You still think you could handle it?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-01-30 12:01:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-01-30 10:58:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting, but I'll bet I could eat it.
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I second that. I ate true Indian food with the best of them last summer, and nary a rumble was found in my stomach...and I mean REAL Indian spices, not the ordinary curry crap.
If you REALLY want to experience hell sometime, the only thing I've never been able to finish is true southern Cajun gumbo. Hell hath no fury like a gumbo prepared by an aged N'awlins chef.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2007-01-30 12:00:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read this.
But remembered a time when I was about 9. Going to ride in the cart while Dad played golf with some friends. His friend George missed a putt and yelled 'Fuck me in the ass with a red hot poker!"
Never forgot that one.
Submitted by street-pirate (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:53:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God, these guys are assholes. It's technically impossible to get hotter than 16 millions scoville units.
List of the hottest hot sauces;
http://www.chez-williams.com/Hot%20Sauce/hothome.htm
In a related matter, police grade cayenne pepper ranks between 3 and 5 millions units. My girlfriend once accidentaly sprayed me in the eyes with ordinary food cayenne pepper. I fell on my knees and couldn't keep my eyes open for more than three seconds straight.
The police pepper must be agony in a can.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:51:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really empathized with you during the whole "soaking tp, because my ass feels like it's on fire" part. That's what you get for having a habenero eating contest with your friend at 3am after your drunk. I was the lucky one, with Alex puking after about a dozen +. He still remembers that while puking sucks, puking red hot fire sucks way more.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:44:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:44:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Almost there...
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:44:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:44:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:42:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And again.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:42:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm such a stupid cunt. Sorry man. Should have been a +2.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:41:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
<What he placed down in front of me was like no other curry I had ever seen before. It was almost black, and the surface was bubbling away, giving it the impression of a boiling tar pit.>
Excellent.
<The chef went into the kitchen, and came back with a small black bottle. The top on the bottle was actually a golden skull. It looked like a bottle of poison from a dark fairy tale.>
Also excellent.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:39:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doogsterville (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:36:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:24:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:11:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading your stories makes me want to write again.
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If you make Pentameter right again Joey, you'll get +2's for life from me.
ahmen to that.
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Definitely +2s forever for that, but with your writing style, you'd probably be getting them from me anyway. Keep it up!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:34:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thai 'curry' is not worthy of the word.
I had chilli vodka for breakfast once.
I have also unashamedly cried in an Indian restaurant once when I accidentally ate the garnish. Which proceeded to burn the living shit out of my mouth. This made the pretty girl I was with laugh and laugh and laugh.
It has been pointed out that if I'd gone down on her later, it would be I who would be doing the laughing, and her the crying.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:34:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh yes and also
"That's hot."
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:33:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love JoeyG.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:33:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold Joey, as always.
I really want a curry now though.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:31:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-01-30 10:58:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've read the British writing about curry all my life and I FINALLY tried some at a thai resteraunt the other day. I was hardly impressed. What's the big deal about that stuff over there? This goop was like drinking lukewarm, sweetened milk. Bleah.
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Thai curry is crap, I'll agree with you on that one. Most Indian Restaurants will offer a Phaal, but it's not always on the menu, so you'll need to ask for it.
I've been looking into Blair, and he is supposed to be the main man when it comes to hot sauce. Check it out. It's fucking evil stuff!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:30:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:24:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:11:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading your stories makes me want to write again.
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If you make Pentameter right again Joey, you'll get +2's for life from me.
ahmen to that.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:23:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vindaloo for breakfast??
HARD. CORE.
"Ha! Fuck you guys, all done!"
HOT HOT
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:21:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:19:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic!
Hey, whatever happened to the dogs of war?
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Don't worry, they'll be back next week.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:19:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-01-30 10:58:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Let me get this straight....you were reverse-position shitting?
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It gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:19:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic!
Hey, whatever happened to the dogs of war?
Submitted by forky (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:17:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
love all your stories Joey.
you witty witty man.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:12:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch dude, my nose and eyes started running just reading this. Way to stick it out though. Hey, did you hear Johnny Cash in your dreams?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:11:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading your stories makes me want to write again.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:10:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:07:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch. I bet your butt bled, didn't it?
Submitted by yhywstudios (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:04:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Comfortably_Numb (user info) at 2007-01-30 11:00:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"It was like a brown river had just burst a dam, and it's raging torrents were now free to cause havoc and destruction."
I almost pissed myself when I read this.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-01-30 10:58:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let me get this straight....you were reverse-position shitting?
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-01-30 10:58:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting, but I'll bet I could eat it.
I grew up in Texas and Mexico and I put Mexicans under the table in chili, jalepeno and cabernero eating contests, no problem.
I've read the British writing about curry all my life and I FINALLY tried some at a thai resteraunt the other day. I was hardly impressed. What's the big deal about that stuff over there? This goop was like drinking lukewarm, sweetened milk. Bleah.