Some People (1814 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.4 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Spencer Thompson (View user info) at 2007-01-31 15:53:54 EST
I'm the writer of this thing and as such I get to create a world. I like writing because everything I write, whether it's ok or whether it sucks, is essentially something new that I get to have invented and have complete dominion over. If someone reads something I wrote and says "I think this is symbolic of maturation and the human condition," I can be like "Hey, no, it's not," and they can't argue with me. It's something delivered to existence that, had I never sat down to write it, would never have happened. I get to create new worlds. I can base this world heavily on reality, taking from it its history and natural geography, but I can dick around with it and do whatever I want with it. I think Pennsylvania should have been the first state, so, so as far as this world is concerned, it was. Delaware was second. I'm from Pennsylvania and we should have been first anyway. So hey, fuck you Delaware, we were.
In this world, there are some people. There are more than these people, but we're only concentrating on a few. First is Jules. Jules is a dick. I'll tell you that much right now. He is the biggest dick in the entire world. There isn't an official tally kept in this world so that the people in it know who's the biggest dick, but I can survey all the people in it and tell you empirically that Jules is by far the biggest, most absolute dick. This is based on many different factors and not subject to opinion: he just is.
This one guy named Jeffrey was once driving by a reservoir with the person he loved intimately. He looked at that person, whose identity is really irrelevant, and said "What do you want to do?" The person he loved intimately said "I don't know." He squeezed the wheel a little, pausing for a moment, then turned to that person and said "Let's fuck in the water supply."
So they did. They fucked in the water supply and then for years and years and years everyone who got their water they cleaned and cooked with got it from where Jeffrey and the one he loved intimately had fucked. This was incredibly erotic in Jeffrey's mind, the fact that all the water in the area was linked to their having fucked always put a tingle in his spine, but the relationship wouldn't last and in the end he had to change to well water.
There is a producer named Jake. He created a TV show called Justice. There's a show in real reality called Justice but it's not the same here. In Justice, the first scene is always someone committing a horrible act, like raping a defenseless little girl or burning an old woman alive. You know immediately who it is, there's no mystery. The next 20 minutes of the show don't matter. There's a police search or there's not. The villain either tries to run away or doesn't. But you start to hate them more every time you see them. In the end, they get beat to death or something. The end. That's every episode. Guy smothers a baby, guy tries to run to Mexico, guy gets eaten by a wolf. The end. Guy burns a lovable old man's manuscript, guy is found innocent at trial, guy chokes to death on a horse's dick. The end. This show is massively successful. Jake gets an idea for a whole channel of maximum security prisoners getting raped. There are cameras in each cell and when some guy's getting raped, they cut to it. They put the guy's name up, and his crime (so you know how glad to be about his getting raped) and then you watch him get raped. There are hours committed to specific crimes, and every Thursday at 8:00 PM EST is Celebrity Rape Hour, with all the guys you remember from the 80's and Fox News. Jake makes a lot of money off these ideas. Then he chokes to death on a horse's dick. The end.
One guy, James, was the only person to ever look back on his younger days with satisfaction. It was generally understood that people started regretting how they spent their life around age thirteen and ending around twenty-four. For that time period, whatever they did was exactly the wrong thing. Bums wished they'd spent them working more to get a foothold in life. Successful people wished they could back and work less, and enjoy the days more. James looked back at the time period between when he was thirteen and twenty three and, in the entire world, he was the only person who didn't regret immensely what he did. James didn't particularly like what he was doing at that moment, which was managing a Subway, but he was still pretty glad about all the pot he smoked and books he read between 1974 and 1984. He enjoyed it then, why the fuck should he regret it now? Because he's making sandwiches? It wasn't Oscar Wilde's fault he was making sandwiches.
There's this person named Jordan. I don't care about Jordan. Jordan is my gift to you. Jordan is whatever and whoever you want Jordan to be, but Jordan's name is Jordan, you can't change that.
If you asked Joey what time period he would like to live in, he would tell you that whatever would allow him to be killed in the end of the Earth. Not because he fetishized the apocalypse, it actually scared the shit out of him, but because his reasoning was this: Any book that would be written, any song that would be recorded, and any movie that would be filmed, would have already been typed, sung, or shot. He would be able to catalog the whole of human achievement and take as much of it and whatever of it he wanted to before the world, and human achievement, ended. If human progress has really only been continuing for a few thousand years, and the world was slated to last millions more, then logically it could only be assumed that in those millions of years artists would be able to put the shit to whatever we're calling "classics" today. Whatever we're reading now probably won't be shit compared to the stuff that's going to be written in the next million years of human development. He didn't care about robot maids and jetpacks, which he also figured were inevitable, he just wanted to read some good goddamn books.
Jack was an alien. Don't believe in aliens? Tough shit, Jack's an alien, and he's a ghost too. Believe it, because you have to, motherfucker. Jack liked it on Earth because where he was from he was a ghost, but on Earth, he was just an alien, and people weren't always hassling him about being dead. He regretted how he'd spent his life from ages thirteen through twenty three.
There were other aliens. They were slightly less intelligent than we were, even though they had space travel. They only had space travel because of one really smart alien who died. The rest then had space travel even though they were slightly less intelligent than us. Ok? I didn't have to explain this to you, you could have taken my words at face value, and reasoned through your own head how they had space travel and we didn't even though we were smarter. Well there's your answer. On a whole, we're smarter, but they had one really smart guy who figured out how to do it for them. We were still, in other areas, more advanced though. They didn't have iPods and stuff. They knew we were more intelligent. They came here and they were like "How do we cure all the diseases?" We were like "We don't know, either." They said "Oh" and left. People always assume that if there is other intelligent life that it must be smarter than us. They assume this because we come from monkeys and monkeys were pretty goddamn stupid and since we were the next step directly after monkey we must have been pretty low on the Achievable Knowledge Scale. But we're not, and it disappoints all the other slightly less intelligent races when we can't figure stuff out, either.
There was this girl named Julie and all she wanted to do was be a sex slave. She hooked herself up with a great master who kept her locked in a cage where she spent most of her day enjoying her complete servitude, then being let out for hard sex. Her friend showed up one day and said "You can't be locked up like this!" Julie looked at him and said "But I like it this way. I'm enjoying myself. Is that a problem?" He didn't seem to care. He rescued her and took her away from the cage and gave her a large room all her own to spend all her time in. She didn't like it. She wanted to know why it wasn't ok for her to just live in the cage.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-02-06 19:55:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-01-31 16:01:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm going to catch apollo
i'm going to pass apollo
yea for me!
fuck up your alters much old egg??!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-02-02 01:36:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i know i reviewed this already, but it sticks out to me as a remarkable piece, and i don't feel its received enough love.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-02-01 12:17:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-01 11:18:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PA...you get some "you're not so gay afterall" points.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-02-01 08:26:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
eh, interesting enough
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-02-01 02:38:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
J?
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-02-01 01:43:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you sure did say 'dick' alot Spencer.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-01 00:54:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TimetoDance (user info) at 2007-01-31 23:24:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Make more hand turkeys!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-01-31 23:15:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuckin a
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-31 20:42:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Read it again, liked it again
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2007-01-31 20:27:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was good
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-01-31 20:19:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-01-31 19:33:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Liked it
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-31 19:07:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm allowed 20 minutes out a day to shower, but I'm allowed to keep my laptop. Orgasmatron is a benevolent master.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-01-31 18:55:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMW HOW'D U GET OUT TO REPLY TO THIS POST?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-01-31 18:52:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I live in a people cage in PA.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-01-31 18:43:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
happypeepeehead
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-01-31 18:42:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
coolest post i've read in a long while
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-01-31 18:42:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is fucking awesome
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-01-31 18:41:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-01-31 18:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Loved it.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2007-01-31 17:46:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Seems like everyone is too busy fucking to make love these days.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-01-31 17:23:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Delaware Sucks
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-01-31 16:45:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I said NO, I DON'T HAVE STAIRS! Sheesh...
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-01-31 16:20:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought you were going to ask about stairs
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-31 16:18:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Busted, rusted, shit-encrusted
Vomiting cause I'm disgusted
Baby batter, fecal matter
Hear it splatter while we chatter
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-01-31 16:13:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes, indeed.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-31 16:09:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
strange but oddly entertaining
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-01-31 16:03:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Something I liked about it.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-01-31 16:01:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm going to catch apollo
i'm going to pass apollo
yea for me!
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2007-01-31 15:58:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jordan's name was really Betty.
Bla-dow.
Take that.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-01-31 15:56:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
stick to hand turkley theatre, bub