Field Trip (380 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.94 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by zfx84 (View user info) at 2007-02-01 11:24:54 EST
My boss decided to send me on a so-called field trip on Monday to hand out some flyers for a new program we'd be running through our office next month. He wanted me to drop them off at various places of business and schools etc. around our small dinky town. I was happy to oblige because it got me out of the office and away from his obese, chain-smoking face.
I ultimately ended up taking two and a half hours to do this field trip, when in actuality, I could've done it all within 45 minutes. But the more time out of the office the happier I'd be, plus, this gave me the chance to run some personal errands as well.
I managed to fill my car up with gas, buy a birthday present for my sister, and kill that menacing squirrel that sits on my neighbor's roof and laughs at me every morning when I climb in my car to go to work.
In between personal errands, I managed to actually pass out the flyers and do some of my original intended work.
I stopped at the local grocery store and dropped a few flyers off there. I even dropped some off at all of our town's 23 different banks and 14 different gas stations.
I left some at the one local eatery where all the young delinquents hang out waiting for life, then some more at the only other local eatery where all the old delinquents hang about waiting for death.
After I hit pretty much all of the businesses in under 30 minutes, it came time for me to drop off flyers at schools and churches. Why? Because the program my boss is trying to run (which me and my co-worker are trying to sabotage) is a program for kids every Tuesday morning.
So he wanted me to drop off flyers wherever they hold pre-school, which so happens to be within other school buildings and church basements and or dungeons.
I stopped at this one church and found it to be deserted inside, so I left and went to the next one. I had to buzz in through an intercom to be allowed inside. Smart move.
When I went to the schools and churches, I had to take with my business card so that they had confirmation that I was really there for a legit reason and not as a pedophile looking to rape the shit out of some little kid. Although, I still might be...
Most of the churches were more than willing to help and pass out the flyers at other pre-school classes and give them to parents. So that made my job a lot easier. It pretty much ended up with me explaining to people, in five minutes, what the program was, and then giving them the flyers to do the rest of the work.
Next, and finally, I had to drop some off at some of the schools. I stuck to the younger grade schools and away from the Jr. High...it was only logical.
Passing out flyers at those schools went off without a hitch. All except for one.
At this one particular grade school, which resides in the nexus of town I like to call "The Dead End Cesspool of Rejects". It's the section that most people forget that exists and doesn't fit in with the rest of the town.
It was now around lunch time and I walked in through what I thought was the front entrance to the school. There was no security, no place to buzz in. The door was unlocked and kids were in recess and it would've been the perfect opportunity to kidnap someone.
I looked up and down the endless hallway for an office. Just then, a little girl came running around the corner and was about to go outside to recess when I asked her, "Excuse me. Where is the main office?"
She looked at me and said, "I'm not supposed to talk to strangers." That comment caused me to promptly slap her across the face. I asked her a legit question and she should have answered it properly.
As she rubbed her cheek in pain, I slowly asked her again, "Where is the main office? Don't make me use my shoe heel."
On the verge of tears she pointed down the hallway behind me. I thanked her by patting her on the head and giving her a doggy bone...she was mighty ugly and better get used to people treating her like a dog now; better than later.
I walked down the hallway and finally reached the office after ten minutes. I found the secretary at the desk eating her lunch. She looked up at me and smiled with lettuce in her teeth.
I did my whole routine for her and handed her the flyers. She was happy to hand them out, but in the end, she said, they'd have to have the flyer approved by the superintendent before they passed them out.
I found this odd because none of the other schools said of any such thing when I dropped off flyers there. Me thinks she was lying to me.
So I outright asked her if she lying, because all of the other schools said they'd be happy to hand them out right away.
She denied lying, but she was blinking a lot and looking down...two dead giveaways that a person is lying their fat fucking face off.
I don't like being lied to, so I climbed over the counter and pushed her to back down in her chair. I tied her up and then took a bunch of the flyers and force fed them to her for about twenty minutes.
I put a little ketchup on the paper to make them taste better for her. Once she had passed out, probably due to her stomach exploding, I began to leave the office.
On my way out, I came across that girl I slapped, still standing where I left her, sobbing and rubbing her cheek.
I bent down to her, face to face, and told her I was sorry. I then began to massage her cheek right where I slapped it. She stopped sobbing and started to feel better.
Then I reached back with the same hand and slapped her again. Psyche! She never saw that coming!
This time, she immediately started bawling and I immediately started laughing. I laughed the entire way out and back to my car as I left her there to wallow in her own miserable pain.
Always show the dog who is master.
Once outside, I climbed back into my car; there was only two more things to do before I went back to the office. I had to get myself some lunch, and there were some geriatrics I had to euthanize at the local old folks home.
User Reviews
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-02-01 16:20:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ewwww, what's that white gunk in the corner of that child's mouth?
OMFG!!!1!!!
It be semen! Call the authorities!
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-02-01 15:05:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-01 14:51:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-01 14:44:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Pretty lame in all honesty.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-01 14:38:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'd like to slap you.
In the nuts.
With a taser.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-02-01 13:28:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by emmakwon (user info) at 2007-02-01 11:56:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
so random....
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-02-01 11:45:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-01 11:45:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-02-01 11:40:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank God I stuck with this one.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-02-01 11:39:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I left some at the one local eatery where all the young delinquents hang out waiting for life, then some more at the only other local eatery where all the old delinquents hang about waiting for death." +1
"Psyche!" +1
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-02-01 11:38:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
wtf
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-01 11:38:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Too many typos and Martin Grammatica mistakes not to mention it was rushed. Otherwise, kind of funny.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-02-01 11:38:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hagard (user info) at 2007-02-01 11:37:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What, you did not burn down the school?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-01 11:35:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm on the uberboard +2
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-02-01 11:30:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, come on. You could've at least gotten a free rape while you were at it.