7 lies and 10 truths (682 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.7 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wood (View user info) at 2007-02-02 16:28:28 EST
This is not sticking to the general concept of the bandwagon particularly well, but ah well.
TRUE: About a month ago I was talking to a Knight who was convinced he had gout.
FALSE: There are, contrary to popular belief, actually 3 black guys on Uber, Kracka, some guy I can't remember the name of, and me.
TRUE: I once voted Conservative
FALSE: This post, from way back in my Uber past, was and is true http://www.ubersite.com/m/28070
TRUE: So is this one http://www.ubersite.com/m/32228
FALSE: A woman filed an insurance claim saying her car had been hit and written off by a submarine. the Insurance company initially turned her down....until it was discovered that she was telling the truth...having parked on the edge of the dock waiting for her Navy bfs sub to get in, the sub arrived.....and was being driven (sailed?) by a trainee....who crashed it into the dock....and her car.
TRUE: When I spent a fair amount of time 'refuting' ETS's hypothesis, I basically bullshitted my way through the whole of it, even the seismology bits that I could have calculated fairly easily, I just took random figures out of my head that disagreed with him, assuming he wouldn't bother to check them....and he didn't.
FALSE: I have walking boots with residue on from when I stood in a smoking volcano.
TRUE: I like big butts and I cannot lie.
FALSE: Mr Smiley is not my alter.
TRUE: The BOSH man is my alter.
FALSE: The number of truths and falses in the title is inaccurate.
TRUE: I have not had sex in 2007 :(
FALSE: Jimmy Carr is funny
TRUE: My flatmate has an eggshell collection.
FALSE: The previous incident about the submarine, happened in the usa.
TRUE: I named my pet rat after an ex
Labelling those alternately true or false, may have interesting subconscious consequences....but there isn't really any way to test that...
And now for something completely different.
Below is a small collection of reviews that I like for one reason or another, some are not obvious without the context of the post.....I am not going to link the posts they come from
a) to add to the entertainment value by letting you try and guess and then google them down to see if you're right
b) because I can't be bothered
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Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info </u/drgoatcabin>) at 2007-02-01 14:05:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
"I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself."
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Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-31 20:10:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Shut the fuck up, me.
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Submitted by scum101 (user info) at 2007-02-01 09:07:43 (#)
Ranking: -2
ahem... the clues in the name you fat retard
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Submitted by Phinch (user info </u/Phinch>) at 2004-02-04 11:47:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
weather, average temperature.
traffic.
cost of living.
number of deep fried items on a menu.
And why did the country for the least murders get the most points?
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Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-06-20 20:11:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
No it's true the nazis really were big on crematoriums, check it out
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holocaust
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Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-28 23:17:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
All righty then... picture this if you will... 10 to 2 AM, X, Yogi DMT, and a box of Krispy Kreme's in my "need-to-know" pose just outside of Area 51, contemplating the whole "chosen people" thingy when just then a flaming stealth banana split the sky like one would hope but never really expect to see in a place like this. Cutting right angle donuts on a dime and stopping right at my Birkinstocks, had me yelling only "fuckin' shit!"
Then the X-File being, looking like some kinda blue-green Jackie Chan, with Isabella Rossellini lips, and breath that reeked of vanilla Chig Champa, did a slow-mo Matrix decent outta the butt end of the banana vessel, and hovered above my bug eyes, my gaping jaw, and my sweaty L. Ron Hubbard upper lip and all I could think was, "I hope Uncle Martin here doesn't notice that I pissed my fuckin' pants!"
So light in his way, like an apparition, that he had me crying out... "Fuck me!" It's gotta be the dead head chemistry. The blotter got right on top of me. Got me seeing E-muthafuckin-T!
And after calming me down with some orange slices and some fetal spooning, E.T. revealed to me his singular purpose. He said, "You are the chosen one. The one who will deliver the message. A message of hope for those who choose to hear it, and a warning for those who do not." Me! The chosen one. They chose me! And I didn't even graduate from fuckin' high school!!
Then he looked right through me with somniferous almond eyes. Don't even know what that means. Must remember to write it down. This is so real. Like the time Dave floated away. See, my heart is pounding, because this shit never happens to me. Can't breathe right now.
It was so real. Like I woke up in Wonderland, all sorta terrified. I don't wanna be alone while I tell this story. And can anyone tell me why y'all sound like Peanuts parents? Will I ever be coming down? This is so real. Finally it's my lucky day See, my heart is racing, because this shit never happens to me. Can't breathe right now.
You believe me, don't you? Please believe what I've just said. See, the Dead ain't touring and this wasn't all in my head. See, they took me by the hand and invited me right in. Then they showed me something. I don't even know where to begin. Overwhelmed as one would be placed in my position... such a heavy burden now to be The One, born to bear and bring to all the details of our ending, to write it down for all the world to see. But I forgot my pen. Shit the bed again. Typical.
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Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-20 20:48:22 (#)
Ranking: -2
Perk, you are the alter who sucks more than the others....
**********
The Great Smokeoff
by Shel Silverstein
In the laid back California town of sunny San Rafael
Lived a girl named Pearly Sweetcake, you prob'ly knew her well.
She'd been stoned fifteen of her eighteen years and the story was widely told
That she could smoke 'em faster than anyone could roll.
Her legend finally reached New York, that Grove Street walk-up flat
Where dwelt The Calistoga Kid, a beatnik from the past
With long browned lightnin' fingers he takes a cultured toke
And says, "Hell, I can roll 'em faster, Jim, than any chick can smoke!"
So a note gets sent to San Rafael, "For the Championship of the World
The Kid demands a smoke off!" "Well, bring him on!" says Pearl,
"I'll grind his fingers off his hands, he'll roll until he drops!"
Says Calistog, "I'll smoke that twist till she blows up and pops!"
So they rent out Yankee Stadium and the word is quickly spread
"Come one, come all, who walk or crawl, price - just two lids a head
And from every town and hamlet, over land and sea they speed
The world's greatest dopers, with the Worlds greatest weed
Hashishers from Morocco, hemp smokers from Peru
And the Shamnicks from Bagun who puff the deadly Pugaroo
And those who call it Light of Life and those that call it boo.
See the dealers and their ladies wearing turquoise, lace, and leather
See the narcos and the closet smokers puffin' all together
From the teenies who smoke legal to the ones who've done some time
To the old man who smoked "reefer" back before it was a crime
And the grand old house that Ruth built is filled with the smoke and cries
Of fifty thousand screaming heads all stoned out of their minds.
And they play the national anthem and the crowd lets out a roar
As the spotlight hits The Kid and Pearl, ready for their smokin' war
At a table piled up high with grass, as high as a mountain peak
Just tops and buds of the rarest flowers, not one stem, branch or seed.
Maui Wowie, Panama Red and Acapulco Gold.
Kif from East Afghanistan and rare Alaskan Cold.
Sticks from Thailand, Ganja from the Islands, and Bangkok's Bloomin' Best.
And some of that wet imported shit that capsized off Key West.
Oaxacan tops and Kenya Bhang and Riviera Fleurs.
And that rare Manhatten Silver that grows down in the New York sewers.
And there's bubblin' ice cold lemonade and sweet grapes by the bunches.
And there's Hershey's bars, and Oreos, 'case anybody gets the munchies.
And the Calistoga Kid, he sneers, and Pearly, she just grins.
And the drums roll low and the crowd yells "GO!" and the world's first Smoke Off begins.
Kid flicks his magic fingers once and ZAP! that first joint's rolled.
Pearl takes one drag with her mighty lungs and WOOSH! that roach is cold.
Then The Kid he rolls his Super Bomb that'd paralyze a moose.
And Pearley takes one super hit and SLURP! that bomb' defused.
Then he rolls three in just ten seconds and she smokes 'em up in nine,
And everybody sits back and says, "This just might take some time."
See the blur of flyin' fingers, see the red coal burnin' bright
As the night turns into mornin' and the mornin' fades to night
And the autumn turns to summer and a whole damn year is gone
But the two still sit on that roach-filled stage, smokin' and rollin' on
With tremblin' hands he rolls his jays with fingers blue and stiff
She coughs and stares with bloodshot gaze, and puffs through blistered lips.
And as she reaches out her hand for another stick of gold
The Kid he gasps, "Goddamn it, bitch, there's nothin' left to roll!"
"Nothin' left to roll?", screams Pearl, "Is this some twisted joke?"
"I didn't come here to fuck around, man, I come here to SMOKE!"
And she reaches 'cross the table And grabs his bony sleeves
And she crumbles his body between her hands like dried and brittle leaves
Flickin' out his teeth and bones like useless stems and seeds
And then she rolls him in a Zig Zag and lights him like a roach.
And the fastest man with the fastest hands goes up in a puff of smoke.
In the laid-back California town of sunny San Rafael
Lives a girl named Pearly Sweetcake, you prob'ly know her well.
She's been stoned twenty-one of her twenty-four years, and the story's widely told.
How she still can smoke them faster than anyone can roll
While off in New York City on a street that has no name.
There's the hands of the Calistoga Kid in the Viper Hall of Fame
And underneath his fingers there's a little golden scroll
That says, Beware of Bein' the Roller When There's Nothin' Left to Roll.
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Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2006-11-20 20:34:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
"America I've given you all and now I'm nothing.
America two dollars and twenty-seven cents January 17, 1956.
I can't stand my own mind.
America when will we end the human war?
Go fuck yourself with your atom bomb
I don't feel good don't bother me.
I won't write my poem till I'm in my right mind.
America when will you be angelic?
When will you take off your clothes?
When will you look at yourself through the grave?
When will you be worthy of your million Trotskyites?
America why are your libraries full of tears?
America when will you send your eggs to India?
I'm sick of your insane demands.
When can I go into the supermarket and buy what I need with my good looks?
America after all it is you and I who are perfect not the next world.
Your machinery is too much for me.
You made me want to be a saint.
There must be some other way to settle this argument.
Burroughs is in Tangiers I don't think he'll come back it's sinister.
Are you being sinister or is this some form of practical joke?
I'm trying to come to the point.
I refuse to give up my obsession.
America stop pushing I know what I'm doing.
America the plum blossoms are falling.
I haven't read the newspapers for months, everyday somebody goes on trial for
murder.
America I feel sentimental about the Wobblies.
America I used to be a communist when I was a kid and I'm not sorry.
I smoke marijuana every chance I get.
I sit in my house for days on end and stare at the roses in the closet.
When I go to Chinatown I get drunk and never get laid.
My mind is made up there's going to be trouble.
You should have seen me reading Marx.
My psychoanalyst thinks I'm perfectly right.
I won't say the Lord's Prayer.
I have mystical visions and cosmic vibrations.
America I still haven't told you what you did to Uncle Max after he came over
from Russia.
I'm addressing you.
Are you going to let our emotional life be run by Time Magazine?
I'm obsessed by Time Magazine.
I read it every week.
Its cover stares at me every time I slink past the corner candystore.
I read it in the basement of the Berkeley Public Library.
It's always telling me about responsibility. Businessmen are serious. Movie
producers are serious. Everybody's serious but me.
It occurs to me that I am America.
I am talking to myself again.
Asia is rising against me.
I haven't got a chinaman's chance.
I'd better consider my national resources.
My national resources consist of two joints of marijuana millions of genitals
an unpublishable private literature that goes 1400 miles and hour and
twentyfivethousand mental institutions.
I say nothing about my prisons nor the millions of underpriviliged who live in
my flowerpots under the light of five hundred suns.
I have abolished the whorehouses of France, Tangiers is the next to go.
My ambition is to be President despite the fact that I'm a Catholic.
America how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
I will continue like Henry Ford my strophes are as individual as his
automobiles more so they're all different sexes
America I will sell you strophes $2500 apiece $500 down on your old strophe
America free Tom Mooney
America save the Spanish Loyalists
America Sacco & Vanzetti must not die
America I am the Scottsboro boys.
America when I was seven momma took me to Communist Cell meetings they
sold us garbanzos a handful per ticket a ticket costs a nickel and the
speeches were free everybody was angelic and sentimental about the
workers it was all so sincere you have no idea what a good thing the party
was in 1935 Scott Nearing was a grand old man a real mensch Mother
Bloor made me cry I once saw Israel Amter plain. Everybody must have
been a spy.
America you don're really want to go to war.
America it's them bad Russians.
Them Russians them Russians and them Chinamen. And them Russians.
The Russia wants to eat us alive. The Russia's power mad. She wants to take
our cars from out our garages.
Her wants to grab Chicago. Her needs a Red Reader's Digest. her wants our
auto plants in Siberia. Him big bureaucracy running our fillingstations.
That no good. Ugh. Him makes Indians learn read. Him need big black niggers.
Hah. Her make us all work sixteen hours a day. Help.
America this is quite serious.
America this is the impression I get from looking in the television set.
America is this correct?
I'd better get right down to the job.
It's true I don't want to join the Army or turn lathes in precision parts
factories, I'm nearsighted and psychopathic anyway.
America I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel."
-A. Ginsberg
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Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-10-11 14:58:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
A PLANE HAS JUST CRASHED INTO AN APARTMENT BUILDING IN MANHATTAN
I GOTTA GO
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Submitted by gina (user info) at 2006-12-02 21:49:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, at least we don't post dinosaur porn.
Oh, wait...
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Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-06-30 17:55:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
This one time at band camp they mistook me for this special needs kid called petey and i had to go on stage and pl...wait that wasn't me was it that was that film whats its face, with the lesbian out of buffy the vampire slayer in it shes not a real lesbian she just played one in buffy i saw a picture of her holding a basketball once and she was really hot theres a sex vid of her on the peer to peer networks where some guy blows his load on her face shes always denied that its her but is like obviously is and she got married not to the guy in the video or in buffy but in the films sequal the sequal to the sequal you know who i mean shes got red hair and shes named after a tree birch beech berch is berch a reak tree im not sure im not very good at remembering names for things and i don't see why we need different names for trees anyway we could justcall them all trees couldnt we except for fruit trees like apple tree and pear tree obviously not banana trees though because theyre not real bananananas grow on giant herb that walk they walk they do they really walk very slowly though so bananana farmers have to leave space in the bananana fields for the baababananas to walk around in but i dont see why lots of chicken farmers dont let chickens awlk around so why cant they keep the bananana herbs locked up too i think the chickens probably need to walk around more than the banananans do she married that guy who had sex with a pie in that film and he glued himself to himself but the story i was thinking of is where this one time at band camp they were all sitting round a fire singing you would think that they would be playing instruments but they were just singing and some guy came in with a knife and hacked them all to pieces because they couldnt use paragraphs properly and that annoyed him.
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Submitted by Phate (user info) at 2006-01-07 02:52:53 (#)
Ranking: 1
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes
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Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2006-12-18 21:58:23 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-25 08:03:03 (#)
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Submitted by Speckles (user info) at 2006-10-24 20:50:30 (#)
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Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2006-10-24 20:33:12 (#)
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Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-10-24 20:17:27 (#)
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Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-09-13 21:52:38 (#)
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Submitted by IllyriaBlueEyes (user info) at 2006-09-13 03:25:16 (#)
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Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-09-13 02:45:27 (#)
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Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-09-13 02:11:49 (#)
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Submitted by Defect (user info) at 2006-09-10 21:02:54 (#)
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Submitted by ArcEld (user info) at 2006-08-26 15:23:00 (#)
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Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-08-26 14:58:02 (#)
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Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-08-22 01:04:59 (#)
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Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-08-14 04:27:16 (#)
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Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-08-14 03:44:23 (#)
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Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-08-14 03:37:07 (#)
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Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-08-14 03:27:51 (#)
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Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-08-14 03:19:57 (#)
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Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-08-14 02:05:00 (#)
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Submitted by fluffy_love (user info) at 2006-08-14 01:44:56 (#)
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Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-08-10 02:41:52 (#)
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Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-09 21:30:48 (#)
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Submitted by DirtyDoubleEntendre (user info) at 2006-08-09 21:25:18 (#)
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Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-09 21:14:48 (#)
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Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-08 12:26:27 (#)
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Submitted by Satanica (user info) at 2006-01-09 14:14:38 (#)
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Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-01-07 18:24:34 (#)
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Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2006-01-07 18:15:28 (#)
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Submitted by ScottPeterson (user info) at 2005-12-23 01:35:45 (#)
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Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-12-23 01:22:17 (#)
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Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-12-20 16:42:09 (#)
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Submitted by B-Nizzo (user info) at 2005-12-09 18:45:55 (#)
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Submitted by randomhero83 (user info) at 2005-12-07 10:50:23 (#)
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Submitted by Call911 (user info) at 2005-12-07 10:47:00 (#)
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Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-07 10:46:11 (#)
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Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-12-07 10:42:08 (#)
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Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-07 10:39:11 (#)
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Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-11-22 19:51:18 (#)
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Submitted by sizzlemctwizzle (user info) at 2005-11-22 19:46:48 (#)
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Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-11-22 19:26:32 (#)
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Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-11-09 15:51:38 (#)
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Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-09 13:13:54 (#)
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Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-06 19:50:05 (#)
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Submitted by ama (user info) at 2005-11-06 19:31:15 (#)
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Submitted by DrSeussman (user info) at 2005-10-29 19:01:05 (#)
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Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-10-29 18:41:41 (#)
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Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-10-29 18:33:32 (#)
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Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-10-29 08:55:24 (#)
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Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-29 06:09:59 (#)
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Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-10-29 06:09:26 (#)
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Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-10-29 06:06:14 (#)
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Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-29 00:41:45 (#)
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Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-28 23:00:29 (#)
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Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-10-28 21:11:16 (#)
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Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-28 20:31:50 (#)
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Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-28 20:26:40 (#)
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Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-10-28 19:44:52 (#)
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Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-10-28 19:37:54 (#)
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Submitted by Kindred (user info) at 2005-10-28 19:26:22 (#)
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Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-10-28 18:42:56 (#)
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Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-28 18:14:20 (#)
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Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-10-28 18:11:24 (#)
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Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2005-10-28 18:09:00 (#)
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Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-10-28 18:06:01 (#)
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Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-10-28 18:04:13 (#)
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Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-10-28 18:03:18 (#)
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Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-10-28 18:02:09 (#)
Ranking: -2
It fucked your mom in the ass, got AIDS and died.
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Submitted by Rosencrantz (user info) at 2004-04-30 09:13:32 (#)
Ranking: -2
One time, I was walking my dog in the park at 8 A.M and I stumbled upon two filthy, 60 year old tramps engaging in Anal sex. Neither were wearing any trousers and the one bent over the park bench with the beard had some sort of bowl problem in that he was "Leaking" from his ass while it was being rammed. They were very noisy and after about 10 seconds, they broke off and the bearded one proceeded to turn around and lick the cock clean of his waste. That was the shittiest, gayest thing I had ever seen, until I read your theory on racism.
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If this pic lines up correctly....it'll be a fucking miracle.....
User Reviews
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-02-04 20:45:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JohnnyTruant (user info) at 2007-02-02 19:27:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of those reviews is off a post of mine! I am the dinosaur porn man! I feel so honoured... *sniff*
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-02-02 18:50:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I'm somewhere in that 'got aids and died' thing! I made a list, sort of!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-02-02 18:24:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-02-02 17:05:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I always though the Bosh man was an Englishman.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-02 17:01:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you wouldn't know what BOSH is if it fucked you in the ass
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-02-02 16:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-02 16:32:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
TRUE: When I spent a fair amount of time 'refuting' ETS's hypothesis, I basically bullshitted my way through the whole of it, even the seismology bits that I could have calculated fairly easily, I just took random figures out of my head that disagreed with him, assuming he wouldn't bother to check them....and he didn't.
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ha, this made me laugh more than any of it
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-02 16:49:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-02-02 16:41:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. YOU EPITOMIZE MEH. AND FURTHERMORE YOU STILL HAVE AN ASSKICKING COMING YOUR WAY FOR THAT CUTE LITTLE POST YOU DID ABOUT MY KID. I WOUDL RIP YOU LIMB FROM LIMB AND NOT BREAK A SWEAT.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-02-02 16:46:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck off with that alter shit!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-02 16:46:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember that review-wagon well. So many variations in its lifetime. I believe it even involved Geico once. Good times.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-02 16:32:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
TRUE: When I spent a fair amount of time 'refuting' ETS's hypothesis, I basically bullshitted my way through the whole of it, even the seismology bits that I could have calculated fairly easily, I just took random figures out of my head that disagreed with him, assuming he wouldn't bother to check them....and he didn't.
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ha, this made me laugh more than any of it