La comédie humaine - temporary title (763 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.27 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fey (View user info) at 2007-02-02 16:35:26 EST
The sun sparked off dust motes dancing, stirred into movement when she opened the curtains. He was still in bed, asleep... she let the sun in out of anger. Walking barefoot across the wooden floor, automatically side-stepping the board that creaked, she stopped within an arms reach of him. As she stood at the side of their bed, looking down on his sleeping form, ambivalent emotions tore at her.
He'd whirled into the living room the evening before, his smile flashing bright. Extending his hand to her, he'd pulled her to her feet, into his familiar embrace. And she'd seen it then, that which she'd resisted suspecting, couldn't have avoided seeing it. His laugh tinged with manic, his eyes darting, his body in ceaseless movement. He'd come home high again. Flying on one form of synthetic or another.
He hadn't understood why she'd pulled out of his arms. Couldn't, from where he was, grasp the depths of her disapointment. She had called him on it, tired and hurting, arms wrapped protectively across her stomach, and he'd lied.
She had launched herself out into the cool winter night, walking, running, gasping, crying. The elderly couple had crossed the street to get away from her, and she had laughed through her tears. A desperate, bitter sound which had lent speed to their flight. She'd returned later, exhausted, to a darkened house, a cold and silent place.
"So you came home last night."
She sipped her coffee to hide her expression, scalded her tongue on the bitter blackness.
"As did you."
He turned his back to her, getting a cup out of one of the cupboards over the bench.
She stared at his back, at the planes of his shoulder blades, the curve of his spine, willing him to face her.
"We have to talk.."
Knowing as she said it how clichéd it was.
He turned towards her, stopping just short of meeting her eyes.
"I don't want to talk about it."
She lunged forward, saw through the corner of her eye how he drew back, alarmed. She meant to place the cup on the bench, but missed, and heard it smash to the floor behind her as she spun around.
He lit a cigarette as he watched her drive away.
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I do apologise for my unrelenting use of pronouns. I dislike naming characters until I know whether or not I like them.
Oh, and I'm beginning to suspect my detachment handicaps me as a writer.
And yes, there's more. If you're nice. And quite possibly if you're not.
User Reviews
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-10-03 06:35:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JohnnyTruant (user info) at 2007-02-02 18:26:48 (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh wow this was goo-waitaminute, you're not french! You're just pretentious! -2die, please.
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This review cracks me up.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-27 12:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's okay. I like to extensively utilise pronouns, as well. No harm, no foul.
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-21 15:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the guy below me said.
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-28 08:08:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Show me tits or hole...kthnksbai sicosemen.at.gmail.com I'm waiting.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-04-29 00:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
La rumpa dumpa.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-28 23:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-13 21:11:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tired of being a transparent jackass with a big nose so you tried a little fiction huh? It's better then the rest of what you wrote at least. In fact it even has potential, but you should understand that the word with the most syllables is not always the best word to choose.
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GODDAMN!!!! Ampersand, EVRY POST OR REVIEW FROM YOU HAS A MISUSAGE OF THEN IN PLACE OF THAN!!!!
Please learn to read and write, you idiotic, uneducated fool...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-04-28 23:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like "laugh tinged with manic" a lot.
I don't know wht to say about your Circe-marathon except "thank you", and that seems woefully inadequate. The thanks isn't so much for the ratings (all of which I've read) but for the reading... you post something, and like it, and then it slips away and is forgotten... it's awesome when people read your stuff.
Again, all woefully inadequate. My words aren't working today.
Have a killer weekend.
OH, and this deserves far, far better than the rating it has.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-04-13 21:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-13 21:11:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tired of being a transparent jackass with a big nose so you tried a little fiction huh? It's better then the rest of what you wrote at least. In fact it even has potential, but you should understand that the word with the most syllables is not always the best word to choose.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-02-06 16:16:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-02-06 15:59:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-02-06 15:50:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
ubmitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-02-06 15:16:08 (#)
Ranking: -2
I am now convinced that you are completely mentally retarded.
Sorry about that, I don't like to pick on the "differently abled".
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Yes you do.
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ahh, dammit rob. You caught me at my own game.
Curses!
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I did? COOL!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-02-06 16:11:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this is a temporary -2 when you write something that doesn't suck I will change it.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-02-06 15:59:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-02-06 15:50:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
ubmitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-02-06 15:16:08 (#)
Ranking: -2
I am now convinced that you are completely mentally retarded.
Sorry about that, I don't like to pick on the "differently abled".
---
Yes you do.
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ahh, dammit rob. You caught me at my own game.
Curses!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-02-06 15:50:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ubmitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-02-06 15:16:08 (#)
Ranking: -2
I am now convinced that you are completely mentally retarded.
Sorry about that, I don't like to pick on the "differently abled".
---
Yes you do.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-02-06 15:16:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I am now convinced that you are completely mentally retarded.
Sorry about that, I don't like to pick on the "differently abled".
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-06 04:28:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
fool of a proof,
nubile nOOb. not alter.
and you don't matter enough to piss me off. but i freely admit you are vaguely irritating in your complete certainty that you do.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-02-05 09:55:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
temporaray smile that is.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-02-05 09:09:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Uh oh, looks like I pissed off another shitty alter/n00b. Whatever shall I do?!?
SAVE ME JEEBUS!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-05 08:08:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-02-03 15:48:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by JohnnyTruant (user info) at 2007-02-02 18:26:48 (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh wow this was goo-waitaminute, you're not french! You're just pretentious! -2die, please.
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HA!
And "temporary title"? Who the fuck do you think you are going around calling permanent things temporary?
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I'll name my posts whatever I want to name my posts. Who the fuck are you to go around thinking that you have the right to question what I do?
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-05 08:07:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JohnnyTruant (user info) at 2007-02-02 18:26:48 (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh wow this was goo-waitaminute, you're not french! You're just pretentious! -2die, please.
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Don't assume, you ignorant asshole, that because I speak English fluently I have no working knowledge of other languages.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-02-04 15:30:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-02-03 18:17:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-02-03 15:48:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by JohnnyTruant (user info) at 2007-02-02 18:26:48 (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh wow this was goo-waitaminute, you're not french! You're just pretentious! -2die, please.
----------
HA!
And "temporary title"? Who the fuck do you think you are going around calling permanent things temporary?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-03 09:32:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-02-02 17:33:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
better to see an attempt at creation rather than the posturing you were doing before.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-02-03 03:26:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I likes you kid.
Name your fucking characters.
"ambivalent emotions tore at her"
I don't quite know if that works - considering the relative passive nature of ambivalence.
(I could just be missing the irony.)
All n' all - I'm not a big fan of the fiction unless the characters are developed a LOT deeper than what you have here. I think you have a rather strong vocabulary - so your descriptions are great - but it all has an empty feeling without the attachment to the folks you are describing.
Jack McCallum is a master of creating dynamic characters in a relatively short amount of time - I would take a stroll though his work for some inspiration. (I would steer clear of the political bullshit he churns out, though - it can cause cramping.)
Still - I look forward to your continued participation around here.
Glad you stuck around.
Submitted by jojo747 (user info) at 2007-02-03 02:14:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-02-02 18:39:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shite.
Submitted by JohnnyTruant (user info) at 2007-02-02 18:26:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh wow this was goo-waitaminute, you're not french! You're just pretentious! -2die, please.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-02-02 18:12:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-02 17:57:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Never, ever apologize for anything on uber.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-02-02 17:33:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fragmentary but not terrible.
better to see an attempt at creation rather than the posturing you were doing before.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-02 17:27:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-02 16:41:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
Of course, Jonny without an H X, your wish is my command.
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better.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-02-02 16:56:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
meh.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-02 16:48:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
gholish.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-02-02 16:47:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Is this REALLY Tina Fey?
If so, can I fuck you just once before your show gets cancelled?
I'd really like to shoot a jiz stream across those glasses.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-02-02 16:47:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Scathing reviews aside,
this one was not AS bad as the last few posts you put out.
It wasn't filled with a long-winded rant about anything.
I actually had the stomach to finish this one.
So have a congratulatory -1.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-02 16:41:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Of course, Jonny without an H X, your wish is my command.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-02 16:39:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This wasn't bad, and I was going to rate this positively, until I read:
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I do apologise for my unrelenting use of pronouns. I dislike naming characters until I know whether or not I like them.
Oh, and I'm beginning to suspect my detachment handicaps me as a writer.
And yes, there's more. If you're nice. And quite possibly if you're not.
----------
Just do us all a favour, spare us the pretentiousness, and fuckin' write already, mmkay?
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-02-02 16:39:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh.