Mr. Asshole (897 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.45 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by frankthebear (View user info) at 2007-02-03 03:54:02 EST
" Hi! I'm Mr. Asshole! I'll ruin your day!" I opened my eyes and turned my head to look for the source of this cheerful voice. Standing next to my bed was a thin little man with a very expensive looking suit and a pleasant smile.
Something about just waking up, combined with the absurdity of what he just said prevented my sleep addled brain from making some essential connections. Unable to think, I blurted "pleasedtomeetcha," in order to buy myself some time to think.
Asshole...ruin...day...MY day...well that didn't sound good. "You're here to ruin my day?" I asked.
"Oh yes indeed!" he quipped with a cheery English accent. "It's just what I do. I found out years ago that I have the uncanny knack of ruining people's day, and since there wasn't anything for it, I deciced to be happy about it and make the most of it!"
Now this was the kind of nonsense that leaves even the sharpest intellect shivering in the corner. "And your name is Mr. Asshole?"
"Well, it's not my REAL name as it were, but it is a rather appropriate moniker I've been given."
"I can imagine." I said sourly and got out of bed. I figured if this day was going to be ruined, I might as well get it over with. Besides, if things were going to get ruined, I'd rather it not be my bed. I got dressed and went down stairs to get some coffee, Mr. Asshole following along happily in my wake of dread.
I filled up my coffee maker and hit the switch. There was a loud PAFF! And a puff of smoke from the back of the machine. "Holy Shit!" I said, unplugging the machine and opening a window to let the smoke out. 8 degree wind blew in. "Great! Now my coffee maker's dead, and it's freezing!"
"Yes, sort of ruins you day, doesn't it?" said Mr. Asshole from behind me. I turned slowly and glared at him. "YOU did this?"
"Well not directly mind you, but this is the sort of thing that tends to happen whenever I'm around." he said matter-of-factly.
"Well then why don't you get the hell out of here!" I exploded.
"Because," he replied calmly, "today's your turn, my dear boy."
"Dude, you're an asshole!" I accused.
"Yes," he said, "I know."
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I left for work a half an hour later, still cold from my shower, because the water heater suddenly decided to stop working. I was out of toothpaste, my toothbrush snapped in half, and my deodorant was dried out. I stopped at the Dippin' Donuts for a coffee there, but the whole building was on fire. I looked a question at Mr. Asshole, he just shrugged innocently.
I got to work late because of traffic caused by the burning donut shop, got yelled at by my boss, and spilled coffee on my shirt, pants, and shoes before I even had a sip, then the coffee machine broke. The whole time, Mr. Asshole followed me around, occasionally picking a bit of lint off his jacket, or chatting up one of my female coworkers. " Dude, you're such an asshole!"
"I know."
At lunch, Mr. Asshole and I went to a restaurant that I know of but never really liked. I thought maybe I could outsmart this lousy day I was having. When We got to the restaurant there was a notice on the door. The restaurant I hated had just bought out the restaurant I liked and would turn the one that I liked into another of the one I hate. "I want you to know I'm not enjoying any of this." said Mr. Asshole from behind me.
"Then why the hell do you do it?!" I asked, resisting the urge to drive a fist through that innocent little face.
"If I could explain it I would, this Is just my purpose in life."
"To ruin other people's day?"
"Yes."
I ordered a cheeseburger that I didn't enjoy, Mr. Asshole ordered a Reuben sandwich that actually looked pretty good. What an asshole, I thought.
Back at work, someone had taken my parking space, and after driving around for nearly five minutes, the only space I could find was two blocks away. Needless to say, I was late getting back from lunch, so I got yelled at by my boss again.
Five minutes before it was time to go home, the fire alarms went off. Everyone filed outside to watch the place burn. After an hour, the firefighters were able to get the blaze under some kind of control. One of them came out carrying the broken coffee machine, saying it was the cause of the fire.
Me and Mr. Asshole started walking to my car, safe two blocks away I thought. But no, there was a parking ticket under the windshield wiper, and a boot on one of the tires. I pulled out my cell phone and tried to call a cab, but the battery was dead. I finally found a working pay phone and called the cab. He got there a hour later, just as it was getting really dark and cold.
He drove us to my place and when I went to pay him, I only had a fifty in my wallet and the driver didn't have any chance. At least someone's having a good day, I thought, watching the driver pull away with a forty dollar tip.
All this time I hadn't even looked at Mr. Asshole. I was determined to get through today and put this horrible experience behind me. Mr. Asshole didn't seem bothered at all. On the contrary, he seemed used to this treatment. I almost felt sorry for the guy. He wasn't intentionally making these rotten things keep happening to me, he had no more control over this day than I did.
Still I'd be glad to see the last of him. I opened the door to my house and went in, and I felt the cold. Shit! I'd left the window open all day, and the heater's were on too, there was a nice chunk of change going into the power company's pocket. And that one was my fault, too. A little muscle in my face started to tick from irritation. Mr. Asshole was helping himself to a beer from the fridge. That did it. It was one thing that he didn't mean to put me through this hell today, but his detached attitude had pushed me over the edge.
Without a word, I walked up behind him, grabbed his neck in both hands, and strangled him to death. I never saw his face as he died, but when his lifeless corpse was on the floor staring up at the ceiling, I could have sworn he had a look of relief on his face. I drank the beer he had taken out of the fridge and then went to bed.
The next morning I awoke to a new shock. As I stared into the bathroom mirror, I was horrified to see I had become Mr. Asshole. And even as I fought against the rising panic, a feeling of resigned duty came over me. I calmly walked out of the bathroom to find a new suit on the end of my bed. I put it on, checked myself in the mirror, then went out into the street to ruin someone's day.
Hi! I'm Mr. Asshole! I'll ruin your day!
User Reviews
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2007-06-24 02:09:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Schlongy?
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2007-02-11 04:10:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2007-02-05 01:22:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2007-02-04 17:58:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear god. This could make an excellent Block People Production...
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go for it, you have my blessing and my permission. have fun with it, I look forward to seeing the results!
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ITS OFFICAL! I'll hop to it right away!
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2007-02-05 01:24:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
clevar, sir.
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2007-02-05 01:22:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2007-02-04 17:58:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear god. This could make an excellent Block People Production...
__________________________________________________
go for it, you have my blessing and my permission. have fun with it, I look forward to seeing the results!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-04 21:47:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-02-04 18:27:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2007-02-04 17:58:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear god. This could make an excellent Block People Production...
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-02-04 12:52:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-02-04 04:26:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ahaahahahahahaha mr asshoi,e mr assjole
111
111
!!!!!!!!!1
ahahahah mrr assole
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-02-04 00:25:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was actually purty good
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-03 20:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-02-03 18:07:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ritzcrackerjax (user info) at 2007-02-03 17:46:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this story alot. Sometimes I wake up and Mr. Asshole is staring me right in the fucking face.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-02-03 17:02:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-02-03 14:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It was okay.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-02-03 14:22:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
neat idea. proof read your stuff a bit more though.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-02-03 14:12:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Huzzah!
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-02-03 12:14:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
forgot the comment... very good.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-02-03 10:39:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good title.
I didn't bother to read the post. I'll just assume it's about Shlongy and be done with it.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2007-02-03 10:36:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Predictable, but a fun read nonetheless.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-02-03 10:22:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-02-03 06:42:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent story.
It's me, ya know. I'm Mr. Asshole. Well, an apprentice at least.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2007-02-03 05:19:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty good.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-02-03 05:02:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
damn i thought it was a tribute post
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-02-03 04:59:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
well that sounds like a shitty day
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-02-03 04:40:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
all i can think of is that commercial of the burger king guy sitting in bed with that that dude as he wakes up
that guy freaks me out
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-03 04:29:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-02-03 04:26:09 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-03 04:11:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it better than the fantasy crap.
Whatever, I'm drunk.
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*hugs lungfish*
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*hugs Beano...thinks about Doreen*
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2007-02-03 04:28:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-02-03 04:26:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-03 04:11:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it better than the fantasy crap.
Whatever, I'm drunk.
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*hugs lungfish*
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-03 04:11:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it better than the fantasy crap.
Whatever, I'm drunk.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-02-03 04:02:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-02-03 04:02:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Franky !!!
Besides this part here......
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Great! Now my coffee maker's dead, and it's freezing!"
"Yes, sort of ruins you day, doesn't it?" said Mr. Asshole from behind me. I turned slowly and glared at him. "YOU did this?"
"Well not directly mind you, but this is the sort of thing that tends to happen whenever I'm around." he said matter-of-factly.
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.......where you felt the need to explain to us that the reason things were going wrong was because of Mr Asshole...this was kind of OK.
Nice light hearted read.