Ubertines '07: The Thin Blue Line (521 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.39 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Coyote (View user info) at 2007-02-04 20:14:03 EST
It's a dirty, thankless, brutal job, but we knew that when we signed up, and no one ever promised us anything different.
What makes me keep bustin' my balls day in and day out, putting my ass on the line for stress-related sleep disorder and a measly paycheck that barely covers child support? I'll tell you what, my friend, it it ain't cuz I like to push people around, and it ain't just cuz I need to hide behind a badge and a uniform, no matter what your oh-so-cool friends tell you.
Although when you look as good as I do in skin-tight vinyl, you could be forgiven for thinking so.
No, I signed up for the force because I seen firsthand the damage that obesity and peanut allergies can inflict on a community. I've seen families torn apart, kids bloated and sweaty-faced, dumped girlfriends gorging on Haagen-Dazs, and I know I can make a difference. I lost a perfectly attractive sister to chocolate bingeing, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna watch one more kid throw their life away for another hit of the dark demon. Not on my watch.
Valentine's Day is the worst day of the year for us. Most people think they can do candy once or twice a year, that it won't be bad for them if it's not a habit. Well lemme tell ya, bro, it only takes one chocolate kiss to get addicted, and the next thing you know you're just a Whitman's Sampler away from the 400-pound mark and a case of acne that would make a 15-year old mickey dees fry jockey proud. You wanna be the one trying to squeeze that unhealthy, candy-addicted ass into a thong this summer? I didn't think so. And don't even get me started on the damage you're doing to your arteries, your lungs, hell, your whole goddamn cardiovascular system. You ever hear of Type II diabetes, buddy? I'm the one that's keeping it outta your life. And if that means tossing every two-bit chocolate-pushing hoodlum on every street corner in the city in the lockup, then so be it.
Most days we get off doing some public service work, talking at schools, telling kids to stay off candy, that kind of thing. Every once in awhile we make a bust and shut down some Willy Wonka wannabe pushing his poison on the community. V-day though, that's when we earn our pay.
You ever seen the look on a kid's face when some heartless Jezebel's laid the "No Chance" or "Get a Life" conversation heart on him? I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Those conversation hearts are the devil's scripture, pressed into a toxic little sucrose pill. You start on those, and you can watch your body mass index go up and your self-esteem drop, just like that. Our job is to keep all your precious little Casanovas and nymphos from getting in over their heads on sugar and twisted taunts.
Thank God the State finally gave us the power to enforce mandatory penetration on anyone caught passing a conversation heart. We catch you with illegal candy this year and you're gonna be getting one Valentine you can't say no to, if you catch my drift. I got a special book of tickets printed up on heart-shaped paper, just for today, just to show all those goddamn chocolate-tokin' hippies where it's at. Lotta tough guys brag about how they wouldn't mind taking that ticket from one of our officerettes, but lemme tell ya hotshot, Officer Lacey and Officer Tiff don't just wear those nightsticks for show if ya know what I mean.
So go ahead, you punks... make my Valentine's Day.
User Reviews
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-02-26 12:14:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2007-02-10 06:31:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Im drunk and your betiful!
im 19again
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-06 18:00:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A goodly, different sort of tale that is one of the rare entries to actually incorporate the holiday into itself.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-02-06 11:33:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2007-02-05 22:53:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-05 20:56:40 (#)
I'm eating sugar babies right now.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Is it just me, or does that sound vaguely licentious?
I'm eating a chicket cutlet and drinking beer right now.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-02-05 21:26:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-05 20:56:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm eating sugar babies right now.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-02-05 17:40:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Not some "no name"...teehee
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2007-02-05 17:09:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
See, now that's what I call a good +0. And from Grandmaster Shlongy himself, not some no-name.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:30:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
For eliminating Shlongy from the competition, you must pay with a -2.
Nahhhh, I can't do it.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not the being rushed per se, it's the combination of being rushed and then finding an awesome picture and trying to bend all your ideas toward finding a reason to use it.
I still think it deserves better than a "+0 No comment" though.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-02-05 00:07:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Felt sort of rushed to me, and I know you can do better than this. Sorry mate. +1 for interesting topic though.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-02-04 23:44:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-04 23:21:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-02-04 23:16:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-02-04 21:30:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-02-04 21:11:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you're awesome.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-02-04 20:37:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lacey and Tiff?
Fishnets and a nightstick.... if that's not a movie, it should be.
This was clever.