Fragments of your brain. (358 hits)
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Submitted by Doberish (View user info) at 2007-02-05 00:31:24 EST
I was just messing around checking out some of the latest posts on uber, seeing what currently occupied the Most Heated (I visit so infrequently now that the MH list is generally different from the last time I checked the site), toying with the idea of writing my first post in a while, on the subject of my life, the universe and everything, when I stumbled across a Merlina effort : http://www.ubersite.com/m/98393
Which kindof had, without the personal biography, the same tone I thought I was going to go for. The first line, "Every day we learn more about ourselves," was a real hook. I've just spent the weekend at university being visited by my kid brother, who got more drunk than he's ever been before whilst out with me and my housemates, and blatantly ignored the obvious fact that I've dived semi-heavily into psychedelics since last year. He, as far as I know, strongly disapproves of drugs, so as a nod to that I hid my bong, but there were still references everywhere - Cannabis leaf mural on the wall, housemates openly discussing my drug use...perhaps he realised and ignored it. It's hard to believe he didn't pick up on it at all.
He's gone now, though. I assume he got home safe. No-one called to say he had, no-one called to say he hadn't. Home is Belfast, Ireland, where paramiliatries run (or ran) the drugs trade for personal gain, and the very idea that you could obtain enough psychedelic drugs to fill a briefcase that could send you down for 98 years would be ridiculous. Camden in London is a much more beautiful place to trade drugs - it's dingy and crowded and you get offered pills on the street, but at least you know that when you buy magic mushrooms, the person selling you them uses them too and isn't all that interested in cutting powder with horse tranquiliser just to sell you a hit. I'll have to rein this vicious tangent in, though, I spent one of my last posts ranting about Belfast and the disgusting lack of culture and disgusting excess of violence.
The point, or perhaps a point, is that my girlfriend is arriving tomorrow, or rather, today, and though I have a plethora of uni work to finish off this week there'll still be time spend with her, take drugs with her, make love to her. I plan on introducing her to LSD on thursday night and occupying the time between eating it and the high starting with sex. Then we can lie on my bed in my room and just watch the world move around us. I think it will be very beautiful, but it is 5.15am and I get awfully sentimental and mawkish when I stay up all night.
Which is very different from how I felt when I woke up this morning, or rather, yesterday morning, after a saturday where I woke up at 1.30pm, went to the pub at 3.30pm and kept drinking until around 2 in the morning. I had betwee 30 and 40 units of alcohol and I'm not the best at handling it. I felt so pathetic this morning I didn't move for several hours. I was out of bed by the time my brother left, though, and I hugged him. I don't think I've ever hugged him before, not like that. Maybe when we were kids and we won a football game, but never a hug whose sole means and end was the hug itself, whose intent and purpose was to express an emotion, a love for each other. It confused me, but I felt it was nessecery.
And all this self-absorbed rambling leads back the the first point...discovering things about yourself. I don't know what I discovered - that after the last month of seperation I really do love my girlfriend after all, that my brother is cooler and more mature than I thought and that I can let go of all the resentment and insercurities of being an older brother (and therefore having to win constantly to maintain face) of an extremely gifted athelete...that I love drugs and feel no shame in using them...introspection fails in this cold little room in England and I keep on sitting here, typing these delusions of granduar, these pretentions...
Maybe I didn't discover anything at all and even if I did then I, like Merlina said, need to get the fuck away from this computer and experience life, fill the hole. Maybe I should go to my lecture at 9.15 and that house viewing later on. Then I can pick my girlfriend up from the station and we can do acid together and breathe each other's breath, have heartbeats in tandem...then I can go home at Easter and purge the ridiculous drugs propoganda out of my brother's head and maybe we won't fight about it. Maybe I'll go to bed instead of staying up, vampire-like, every second night.
Maybe I'll actually write something worthwhile.
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Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2007-02-05 05:17:33 EST (#)
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Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2007-02-05 01:10:30 EST (#)
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