Ubertines '07: My Thai (501 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.41 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2007-02-05 07:56:56 EST
In a past life, or so it seems now, I was a young fit chap who loved nothing more than donning shorts, rugby top, rugger boots and running onto the field of play. I wasn't half bad either, if I do say so myself, and always found myself in the first fifteen at school. These days I prefer to either stand on the sidelines screaming abuse or sitting in a pub with like minded people and scream about how crap they are these days. Most blokes will know what I am talking about when I say that, as an arm chair spectator, we know much better and would play so much better than anyone on the actual fucking pitch. This is all a bit of a digression though; so back to the part where I could and was playing.
(Do that dooblie doo dooblie doo thing that they did on Wayne's world if it helps you go back in time; I find it helps)
So here I am in the prime of young manhood. My body is firm in all the right places, of course a certain part of me wasn't firm whilst playing rugby because that would make me a poof. I had a stomach that was ribbed for her pleasure. Old women would do their laundry on me. I had the skill of a boy who had never been given a teddy as a child; instead father gave me a rugby ball. I was going to play for my country some day and the world would swoon at my amazing prowess.
First off though; I had a rugby tour of Thailand to get through. Ohh the prestige of representing Hong Kong in a school boy side against the vile Thai's. It was time to pay them back for letting the Japs force Alec Guinness and co to build that fucking bridge.
Getting on the plane there was a nervous tension rippling through us all; the sort of tension that runs through a group of 16 years old boys on a trip to foreign lands with minimal adult supervision. I sat in my seat and spotted a sexy hostess; I decided to try the seat belt trick. Leaving my belt unlocked I laid both ends between my legs, touching my nethers. Closing my eyes I pretended to be asleep. The idea being that the sexy hostess will dig between your legs and do up your belt for you rather than wake you up. Little did I know that what was about to happen could well have been seen as an omen for the week ahead.
I felt hands between my legs, reaching for the belt, and opened my eyes to see some chap rubbing his hands against my no no stick. I recoiled and he said:
"Oh sorry I didn't mean to startle you. You looked so peaceful. So you guys are all on a rugby tour?"
(This was said in a very camp manner)
In my memory he winked as well. He may not have done so; but I'm making him out to be a complete pervert so believe me when I said he winked. I shouldn't be nasty really he could well be dead now.
I just nodded and he moved off with a:
"Anything you need during the flight; you just press that little button and I will come running."
Then he walked up the aisle swaying his hips. (Shudder)
It may surprise you that I didn't actually press that little button once during the flight. I sat there thirsty as fuck terrified to press anything. I saw a kid with a runny nose and started fantasising about sucking on it because I was so thirsty; but I refused to press 'that little button'.
Nothing else happened on the flight. Make up a story if you like I can't be bothered.
So we landed in Bangkok and stepped off the plane to a rather repugnant smell; which is saying a lot seeing as we had just come from Hong Kong (Kai Tak airport is not known for its refreshing fragrance) After the initial shock we move through the airport to be greeted with notices which left nothing to the imagination as to what would happen to you if you were caught smuggling drugs. I nervously pulled my Anti-histamine laden case past the cute looking pups lining the way out.
So on to the rugby. We creamed them; well what do you expect? We were playing Thailand that great Rugby playing nation; after England. We actually went on the pitch at one point to be met by a team that only had two players with rugby boots. We all decided to take our boots off as well; otherwise it could have caused serious injuries to these kids. Looking back I think it was all a ruse. We lost this game as we were sliding around everywhere. The devious little Thai's had a plan though. They would keep passing the ball to the two guys with boots. This taught us all a very valuable lesson. It basically goes along the lines of
'If a guy is coming at you to punch you, fully aware that you are holding a knife, then it's his fucking fault if he gets stabbed.'
So with rugby over with we had to do the tourist bit. We visited the Crocodile farm and watched people with the same death wish as the late Steve Irwin; these guys didn't dress up like tossers though, they were hard core and wore loin cloths. I remember buying loads of souvenirs here of key rings made out of baby crocodile heads; even now I shudder at how sick that sounds I am sure my family were chuffed when they got them.
We visited a snake farm too. Now I have hated snakes since I was quite young and nearly grabbed a Bamboo snake as I was climbing a tree. Snakes are evil creatures with no redeeming features whatsoever in my book. How people actually buy them and keep them in their houses is beyond me. I had an ex-girlfriend who had a fucking python, or something similar, in her front room. I swear that little fucker would watch me with eyes that said 'Call that a snake mother fucker?' So we did the snake thing; or they all did. I acted manly and stayed on the bus shaking and weeping.
We also saw some Buddha thing. Big mother fucker too. All I remember thinking is 'wow, that's big. Can we go for a drink now?' I bought a souvenir from there too; can you guess what I got? Yes you're right I bought a miniature version of the big fucker, how original. The only thing that didn't show us up for being complete tourists was the lack of cameras round our necks (we saved that for the tour of Japan whilst talking English real fast, pay back bitches)
So after all the fun playing rugby and sight seeing we arrived at our last night in Bangkok. Now the supervisors had been keeping quite a reign on us for most of the trip. Looking after us with the care of a eunuch with his master's harem. With the final night came a loosening of the bonds. Well actually we escaped and thought 'consequences be damned'. See if this happened today I could have sued the 'Responsible adults' for their lack of protection. Sadly this was all back in a simpler time when children were allowed to compete against each other (Some of them loosing and not getting medals) and when parents signed disclaimers if their children went on trips like this (probably secretly hoping the little shits wouldn't come back)
We found ourselves out on the streets of Bangkok. The bright lights. The beautiful women (ahem) but most of all; the booze. We set upon the bars like a gaggle of AA members who had just been told they were going to die tomorrow anyway. Bangkok discovered a new plague that night; and it wasn't locusts.
By the fifth bar the world was blurring around the edges. By bar seven I was well and truly fucked. It was time to find women and finish the night off with an unsatisfying shag with my brewers droop on. As luck would have it we didn't have to look far for female entertainment. It just so happened that we had been 'picked up' pretty much as soon as we walked into this lovely bar. One particular young filly had taken a shine to me; and yes it was because of my stunning good looks nothing to do with the fact that she was a whore.
After a heated discussion regarding payment, she told me that she would do me for free but her owner would break her legs if she came home empty handed and I didn't want that, we escaped the bar to the hotel. Closely followed by the rest of the team and their chosen consorts.
Alone with her in my room we started to kiss and I removed her top. When I say that she was flat I mean that she actually had nothing there. She unbuttoned my top and ran her nails down my chest. My semi throbbed slightly with the thought of the impending fun to come. Her hands touched me through my trousers; and my drunken mind desperately tried to convince the man below to wake up a bit more. My mind then told me that it might be an idea to touch her, as I have always been a fan of pussy. My hand ran down the smooth featureless chest and then up her leg under her skirt.
At this point I jumped back and swallowed back the bile threatening to burst free.
"What the fuck?" I exclaimed.
"You're a fucking bloke, holy shit."
With that I ran out of the room and found myself banging on the door of my best mate Dave, who happened to be the loose head Prop. He came to the door looking rather pissed off and said "WHAT?"
I looked at him and looked at the door to my room and thought about what I was about to say. The thoughts of never being able to live this moment down came into my mind and I did the only manly thing.
"Got any Ice mate?"
"Fuck off Drogo I'm trying to fuck here."
"Okay mate, have fun."
"You too."
I stood outside the door for a moment then decided to head down to the bar. It was only after my third whiskey that I realised that I had actually run out of my own room. I quickly downed shot 4 and 5 as I thought about how ridiculous the whole thing had been.
I eventually returned to my room when people started moving around the hotel again in the morning. It had gone. I packed up my stuff not bothering to check if anything was missing.
When asked about my evening I would smile wryly and everyone just took that as a 'oh yeah I shagged the arse off her' luckily no one had been capable of taking pictures at the last bar. We returned home and the truth never came out.
Well not until ten years later when we had a reunion. We sat in a pub in London and I stood up to address the group.
"Chaps I have a confession to make. That last night I didn't actually get my end away. I ended up spending the night in the bar down stairs drinking myself sober. The female I took back to the hotel that night wasn't..... well wasn't exactly a female."
Eyes around the table widened and jaws dropped. Laughter started to ripple out when all of a sudden my mate Dave and two others stood up.
It turned out that I wasn't the only one who had taken a little bit more back to the room than they had bargained for.
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User Reviews
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-06 22:11:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have to agree w/ Sacrilicious here in that much of this story is unnecessary. The rugby, the snake farm, the buddha...all nice little bits of periphery, but not details necessary to the Story at Large. I'd rather you have focused on the hard, firm center of your story and stroked it and polished it with a blind eye to all else. Remember, always try to come out on top.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-06 22:06:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Always. Grab. Them. Down. Low. First.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-06 21:33:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is definitely a story for your grandchildren.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-06 21:32:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
The meat of the story is really good (HAR HAR MEAT) and I enjoyed the conversational tone. I did think there was some "extra fat," in some cases full paragraphs,that could be cut to make it flow better- like some of the minor trip details, and references to rugby.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-06 07:35:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-02-06 07:00:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Uh, Cliche.
You know, with the world famous stereotype of Thai land containing a lot of ladyboys, it's hard to figure out where you came up with this original, funny story. You know thousands of people around the world claim that this has happened to them.
Just another bullshitter.
--
Hehehehe I'm so glad that everything on this site is real.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-02-06 07:00:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Uh, Cliche.
You know, with the world famous stereotype of Thai land containing a lot of ladyboys, it's hard to figure out where you came up with this original, funny story. You know thousands of people around the world claim that this has happened to them.
Just another bullshitter.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-05 17:51:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know I shouldn't be, but I'm really turned on.
wtf were you doing taking a whore home anyway?
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-02-05 16:52:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 any mention of the tight five (though tight heads are the best)
+2 rugby/prostitute stories
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-05 10:42:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-02-05 10:33:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
could have been worse...
had it rained, maybe
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-05 09:11:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-05 08:41:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jilted Heshe below
Submitted by emmakwon (user info) at 2007-02-05 08:33:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
what the fuck is ubertines
auto -2 any circle jerk bandwagon shit
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-05 08:30:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-02-05 08:26:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats the kind of shit that haunts you for ths rest of your life.....
--
You're telling me! It took me 5 years to be able to go into a Thai Restaurant.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-02-05 08:26:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats the kind of shit that haunts you for ths rest of your life.....
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-02-05 08:16:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
always enjoyable
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-02-05 08:02:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was me, bitch!
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-05 07:58:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF I'm not reading all that!!!1 lolz