Salt, Starch And Sodium Stabiliser 262 - How Super Noodles Stole My Sex Life (1653 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: Humour
Rating: 1.88 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2007-02-05 10:22:35 EST
When it comes to blind dates, my friends are, to put it bluntly, wankers.
Plain and simple.
These guys have tried setting me up with all manner of hideous crones and toothless, moonlighting toilet cleaners. I've had to endure conversations with trucker girls ("I once ate me 4 big Mac meals in a row"), werewolves ("if I shave my underarms they come back thicker, so I just leave them be") and no less than 3 divorcees ("Kids are great. So, when can we have kids? You want kids too, right?").
So you can understand my apprehension when my friend Craig said he had someone lined up who wanted to meet me.
"I dunno, Craig. You haven't exactly set me up with anyone decent before. Do I need to remind you about Prosthetic Paula, the one-armed wonder? Or how about the woman who killed rats at the sewage plant?"
"Seriously, she's nice. Trust me on this one. Besides, I've already told her you'll meet her at The Royal Oak, at 8 on Wednesday."
"Ok, I'll do it. But if she's another freak......."
"She's not a freak. Like I said, just trust me on this one...."
Wednesday night came, and I can't exactly say I had my hopes up. If you don't expect much, than you can't be disappointed.
I pulled out a decent shirt to wear, had a shower and got dressed. A quick shit and a shave, a splash of aftershave, and I was ready. I stopped in my usual local on the way for a quick drink or 3. I didn't want to turn up too early and look like a sad, lonely singleton. Instead I propped up the bar, and looked like a sad, lonely alcoholic.
I waited until ten past eight, before making my way to The Royal Oak to meet my date. Craig had told me her name was Nicky, and she would be wearing a black dress. There were two women wearing black dresses, but only one was on her own, sat at a table in the corner, sipping some bitch-piss alcopop that she had poured into a tall glass.
"Nicky?" I asked, as I approached the table.
She looked up and smiled before replying. "You must be Joey, right?"
I couldn't believe it. She was actually quite....nice. Not drop dead stunningly gorgeous, but she was pretty enough. Long brown hair, tied back in a pony tail, and bright green eyes. All her limbs were in the right place, and there were no obvious defects (which is more than can be said for some of dates I've had).
I got a drink from the bar, and we sat and chatted about for a while. She was 27 years old, and wrote a column about the businesses in town for the local paper. Sometimes she liked going out, sometimes she liked to stay in and watch movies. She loved swimming, and she would get up early in the mornings so she could go and have a swim before she went to work.
All nice, normal things. I couldn't believe it. And she seemed to like me, too. Liked me enough that she wanted to see me again, anyway.
"It's getting late, I'd better call a cab. But I'd love to see you again. Are you free Saturday night?"
"Sure", I said. "I did have something planned, but it's no problem, I can cancel." In my mental diary, I put a big cross through 'Saturday night - stay at home with beer and pizza.'
The following evening, Craig came round to ask me about how it went.
"I've gotta admit, she's really nice."
"I told you so. Are you going to see her again."
"As a matter of fact, yes. I'm taking her for a meal on Saturday. And, with a bit of luck, we may end up back at her place. But, there's just one thing......."
"What's up?"
"Well.... don't laugh. I think I'm losing my sex drive. I don't know if it's because I'm tired, or because I drink too much, or what. But I just haven't been feeling.... y'know, horny. I just haven't had the urge."
"Dude, that's pretty harsh. I went through a similar thing myself once. I'll tell you a little secret....."
"Go on..."
"Super Noodles."
"Super Noodles?"
"Super Noodles."
"Are you fucking shitting me?
"I'm serious. I don't know what it is, but they worked. Must be one of those fucking additives they put in there, or some shit, but it worked."
"Isn't that shit supposed to give you cancer or something?"
"C'mon, get real. Just try it. What have you got to lose?"
I thought about what he said, and decided it wouldn't hurt. After he left, I went to the local grocery store and picked up a pack of chicken flavour noodles. I took them home, and boiled them up following the instructions on the packet. I added the little flavour sachet, and stirred it all up, before spooning it into a bowl.
I switched on the t.v, and sat down in my armchair with the bowl in my lap. Staring at the screen, I absent mindedly stuffed a forkful of the stodgy noodles into my mouth. I couldn't say they tasted great, but they were edible. I finished the bowl, and reclined back in my chair, and flicked through the movies that were on offer. As I hopped through the channels, something stirred.
Just a little something down below. But it soon began to grow. And grow, and grow, and 30 seconds later, I'm sat there with a bona fide boner. It came from nowhere. There was certainly no visual stimulation coming from The Phantom Menace, which I had happened to stumble upon.
I looked down at the empty bowl beside.
"Nah....." I said to myself. "But what if....."
The following day I stocked up. All different sorts. Chicken flavour; Smoky Bacon flavour; Curry flavour; Chinese Chow Mein flavour; Spicy Beef; Spaghetti Bolognese - the options were just endless.
For the next couple of days, I ate, lived, and breathed the fucking things. Noodles for breakfast. Noodles for lunch. Noodles for dinner. If I kept it up any longer, I swear I would have turned into a fucking noodle.
But they seemed to be doing the trick. At work, I was noticing the ladies more. I was staring at breasts, staring at asses, and mentally undressing all the females from the sexy secretaries to the cleaning staff. I was finding myself with a near permanent stiffy. Over 90 per cent of my working today was spent trying to hide the throbbing beast that the noodles had awoken.
I could have slipped off to the toilet and taken care of things. But I was saving it for Nicky. Thanks to my secret noodletastic weapon, I was back in business - I would take her by the reins, and give her a noodling she would never forget.......
By the time Saturday came, I was ready and raring to go. I was already on my fourth pack of smoky bacon noodles (they all seemed to taste the same, but smoky bacon just sounded nicer), and Joey junior was up for some action. Literally.
I met up with Nicky at Mario's, the Italian restaurant that she had chosen.
"Hey, you look great!" I said, as she stepped into the restaurant. And she did look great. This was gonna be sweet.
The meal came, and once again we were getting on really well, talking, flirting, eating and drinking. The bill eventually came, and I took care of it.
"Hey," she said. "I've had a really good time, and I really like you."
"I really like you, too."
"How about we go back to my place? It's not far from here."
"Sure, I'd love to!"
She called a cab from her mobile, and twenty minutes later, we were back at her place. It was a small 1 bedroom place, but it was decorated well and was nice in a cosy sort of way.
We sat and had a nightcap together (Bailey's for her, whiskey for me) and then she took my hand and we went upstairs to the bedroom.
Things got hot and heavy straight away, both of us stripping off in eager anticipation. We fell together on the bed, amidst a barrage of kisses and caresses. Joey junior was already alert and like a homing missile, he zeroed in on the hot, soft landing strip.
Once he was inside, he did me proud. I was banging away, giving it everything I had, and there was no sign it would end anytime soon.
God, it felt good!
How could I have ever doubted the underlying power of the noodle? I could feel all that gluteny goodness surging into my loins, and endowing them with the power of the additives.
All the E numbers were coursing through my member, like fuel flowing through the engine of a finely tuned supercar. Oh, I could feel that artificial flavour, and it was like a river of napalm, racing from deep within my testes to the tip of my rampant love tool.
Little did she know, that all this pleasure she was getting was down to little packets of dehydrated wheat, flour and seasoning.
"Say....."
Those little packets had turned me into a lean, mean love machine. I was the fucking energizer bunny. I was banging away like a jackhammer, and praising the lord of all things noodly.
"Say....."
She was muttering something beneath me, but it didn't matter. I was the noodle king, and was delivering righteous justice to this fair maiden. All hail the noodle king!
Her muttering turned into screaming, and eventually she began to come with all the power of an atomic bomb.
She was screaming out now, "Say my name! Say my name! Say my name!"
As she said these words, I let loose, and sprayed my pent up love potion deep within her.
"THAT'S RIGHT BITCH! FEEL THAT SMOKY FUCKING BACON FLAVOUR, BABY!"
Oh crap. Oh crappity crap crap.
Did I just say that out aloud?
One glance down at her face, and she looks as if she's been slapped with a spent condom. Yes, it would appear that I said it out aloud.
"What the fuck did you just say?"
"Um......nothing?"
That clearly wasn't going to wash. I wasn't sure what that look on her face was. Disgust? Shame? Fear, perhaps?
Whatever it was, it said one thing, and one thing only - Oh my God I've shagged a psycho.
Already, my once hard member had began to beat a hasty retreat back towards the safety of my nut sack.
"I..... I.... what I meant was..... fuck. I guess there's no point explaining it, right?"
She slowly shook her head from side to side, not once taking her eyes off me.
I got up and put my clothes on, then went outside without another word.
God damn you, Super Noodles.
God damn you all to hell.........
User Reviews
Submitted by odin (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2007-02-21 13:44:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-02-17 01:52:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snakelby (user info) at 2007-02-17 01:38:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I. LOVE. YOU.
Submitted by eric_the_bread (user info) at 2007-02-17 01:26:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"God damn you super noodles" priceless
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-02-17 00:59:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-02-06 10:38:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I should have known better than to take a call whilst reading this. Poor guy just hung up on me in the end.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-02-06 07:19:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-02-05 12:37:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Mild curry flavour was the best blah blah bestest evar.
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I disagree, Beef is the way forward. Next you'll be telling me that Sweet and Sour Pot Noodle is nicer than green flavour (chicken and mushroom I think. I don't know, they never taste like they're supposed to)
Great. Now I want a pot noodle.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-02-06 03:34:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried convincing Berty to eat Super Noodles.... I told him it was because they are cheap but I wanted to turn him into a love machine.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-02-06 01:50:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2007-02-06 00:08:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-02-05 21:59:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.unitednothing.net/content/games/virtualgirlfriend.php
You're welcome.
_______________________-
She's not very nice. She keeps shrugging at me when I tell her to make me a sammich and bring me a beer.
Great read, tho.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-02-05 21:59:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.unitednothing.net/content/games/virtualgirlfriend.php
You're welcome.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-05 18:51:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm glad apollo already did this. It was amusing, but I found it a bit too unbelievable without enough pay-off.
Teddy Geiger is such an overrated cunt.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-02-05 16:35:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shenanigans but funny shenanigans
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-02-05 16:10:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahaha...
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-02-05 15:42:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Apollo, you fucking cunt! This was awesome!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-05 15:39:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"THAT'S RIGHT BITCH! FEEL THAT SMOKY FUCKING BACON FLAVOUR, BABY!"
----
auto +200 for that line right there
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-02-05 13:34:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
There's no way of doing this without looking a cunt.
But 'made me smile' is about right.
It's not your fault - 3 years ago I would have laughed at this but there have been (and I have written) so many similar stories i no longer find them hilarious.
At least you got an explanation for me ruining the streak. It's more than these other cunts get/deserve.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-02-05 13:32:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i wonder if they work for teh weminz
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2007-02-05 13:00:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-02-05 12:47:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you know, you really are fabulous.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-02-05 12:39:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Smokey bacon....
fucking classic.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-02-05 12:38:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"THAT'S RIGHT BITCH! FEEL THAT SMOKY FUCKING BACON FLAVOUR, BABY!"
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-02-05 12:37:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mild curry flavour was the best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best best bestest evar.
Submitted by forky (user info) at 2007-02-05 12:32:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dont blame the noodles...they served you well
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-05 12:15:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow...
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-02-05 12:03:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
at least you didn scream something about noodle juice
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:56:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You never fail to entertain. Well done.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:55:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:47:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone needs a friend who wants to set them up with girl who's got a fake arm/leg.
If I knew a guy like that in college I have no doubt my life would have turned out differently...
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Aside from the obvious impracticalities, a prosthetic penis would be great fun at parties - "hey, could you just hold this for me a sec....."
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:47:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone needs a friend who wants to set them up with girl who's got a fake arm/leg.
If I knew a guy like that in college I have no doubt my life would have turned out differently...
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:44:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:36:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:28:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:19:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:13:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well you still managed to bang her mate. More than I've had for a while.
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Sex should be available on the NHS. Blue balls are not taken seriously enough in this country, and I'd like to see my taxes put towards a good cause.
--
Joey when you run for Prime minister you have my vote. I would also like it if you could make all the nurses pretty and they wear sexy outfits.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:21:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:18:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
is this some UK thing? never heard of super noodles here in the states.
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I guess the U.S equivalent would be Ramen.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:19:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:13:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well you still managed to bang her mate. More than I've had for a while.
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Sex should be available on the NHS. Blue balls are not taken seriously enough in this country, and I'd like to see my taxes put towards a good cause.
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:18:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is this some UK thing? never heard of super noodles here in the states.
excellent read
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:14:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a close race for best quote between the post's punchline and "Prosthetic Paula, the one-armed wonder".
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:13:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well you still managed to bang her mate. More than I've had for a while.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:05:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2007-02-05 11:01:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man, unlucky
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-02-05 10:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-05 10:35:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
"THAT'S RIGHT BITCH! FEEL THAT SMOKY FUCKING BACON FLAVOUR, BABY!"
I'll have to try that line next time
-------------------
Let me know if it works better for you than it did for me......
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-02-05 10:40:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Love it..
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-05 10:35:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"THAT'S RIGHT BITCH! FEEL THAT SMOKY FUCKING BACON FLAVOUR, BABY!"
I'll have to try that line next time.