Ubertines 07 -- Better Than Chocolates and Flowers (472 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Unabonger (View user info) at 2007-02-05 21:25:01 EST
Elise -
I had the best time ever with you. The last two months were fantastic and, in my opinion, it's been the best times we've ever had in the twelve years we've know each other. I knew getting back together with you was a mistake when I decided to do it. You're simply a different person than you were when I fell in love with you years ago. But the holidays are a lonely time for a guy to be traveling alone and I knew you were desperate enough to cling to some lasting hope that we'd get back together and things would be just perfect. You're a little crazy like that. I mean crazy like if you were a rat and bit on a piece of cheese and got electrocuted you'd go back and try it again...maybe even three times. I digress.
You'll always be my first love in the same way that I found the moisturizing composition of Dove hand lotion loveable. And that's the kind of love that really lasts, you know? I've been using that hand lotion for years now and I can't imagine my life without it. But I guess that's not the same as you because I'm breaking up with you again. Actually you're nothing compared to my lotion. But never mind the lotion. This is about us.
I should have taken the hint back when we were in high school and I walked in on you and my brother. "Washing clothes"? Are you fucking kidding me? But I was a stupid kid and didn't think my wonderful girlfriend would cheat on me and, even if she did, my brother certainly wouldn't do that to me. I should have taken that as an example of what life was going to be like with you for twelve years but, in my youth, I grew accustomed to strange behavior from you and, as we grew together, I became more and more blinded to what a little tramp you really are.
If I actually sat down and tried to determine how many times you cheated on me, I'd go completely crazy. I know my friends turned you into a finger puppet on a number of occasions and that's almost as funny as it is nauseating. But the last two years with the whole make-up break-up thing has left me so tired. I honestly decided last year that I wasn't ever going to see you again and that I was rid of you. But that was before I went to Mexico with Barry. It was also before I saw your pictures on the Internet. My life changed one hot summer night in Tijuana in the large arms of a rotund woman named Marta. I only tell you because it's important for you to know that I did this to you. I did this to you. I came back from Mexico and had to see a doctor. In the following months I learned that I had contracted herpes.
So there you have it. I decided that this disease is simply too much for one person to hoard all to themselves so I'm happy to give it to you. I feel like I'm giving back to the hot little whore who gave me so much when I was younger. Thanks for letting me fuck you in every hole in that banging little body of yours, fully ensuring that you'd get them too. There were a couple nights, especially around New Years, where I thought you'd notice the outrageous breakouts but I guess a couple of Martinis will keep you from bitching when I turn the lights off. You probably thought I was thinking about someone else and that thought makes me laugh.
I know you're banging Barry now too and I think that's great. We'll all be like one little happy family of disease-ridden sex addicts. You'll be like the captain of our team. I went ahead and copied this letter and sent it to Barry's work, addressed to his boss (Hi, Mr. Morton). I hope you guys have a great time this Valentine's Day.
Severely infected,
Alex
User Reviews
Submitted by fruity_tootie (user info) at 2007-02-19 17:01:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gr8 story!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-02-06 22:14:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vaaaaaaaaaaltrex is better than chocolate
Better than everything else that I've tried
Vaaaaaaaaaaltrex is better than chocolate
All the herpes here wish they would die
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-02-06 19:50:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-02-06 11:31:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-02-06 01:43:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-06 00:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck the fuck off, Maltese.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-02-05 22:32:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's Maltese and his alter killing any chance I have.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2007-02-05 22:31:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell is wrong with you people? This was excellent.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-02-05 22:16:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a sucker for a nice love story.
Submitted by CrazyProtractorFace (user info) at 2007-02-05 22:06:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck you Cera!
Submitted by CrazyProtractorFace (user info) at 2007-02-05 22:06:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck you Maltese!
Submitted by CrazyProtractorFace (user info) at 2007-02-05 22:06:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-02-05 21:43:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shut the fuck up, Maltese.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-02-05 21:43:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shut the fuck up maltese. you just made me over-rate this motherfucker.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-02-05 21:39:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by cera (user info) at 2007-02-05 21:39:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-02-05 21:37:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not quite a +1 for me.
Worth reading plus.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-05 21:31:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"...that's almost as funny as it is nauseating."
Gold.
This was really amusing. I laughed a bunch.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-02-05 21:30:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment