Reliquary (4309 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.44 on 314 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2007-02-06 01:30:19 EST
 |
This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
The words come in a whisper as soft as the salt-tinged sea breeze seeping through the shuttered windows.'Caution, my love.'
In that unfettered state between dream and reality, Thomas wishes he had the courage to drive a knife through his heart to still the pain he has borne for so long now.
"Lydia," he says.
Thomas hears his wife sigh close to him and almost feels the heat of her breath on his ear before sounds from outside his mind intrude. He hears a shutter creak and a small knot pop softly in the embers of the fire and the faint and distant thudding thunder of hooves on the inland road.
It is early spring and the night air is cool here on the bluffs above the sea. Rising from his bed and pulling on a worn robe, he lights a lamp from the fire and passes through sitting room and entryway of a home considered opulent and sees a thin calico cat sitting before the door. The cat was a favorite of his wife, which is probably why he hasn't done away with it, but it does keep rodents out of the house. The cat looks at him and he shoos it away. He opens the front door and sees two men approaching on horseback, and his dead wife whispers in his ear.
'Now it begins.'
<>
Wickes was the village smithy, a small, wiry man as strong as the iron he worked with hammer and tongs. Oliver was a fish merchant who owned four boats and the lives of the men who worked them. They were hard men who rarely showed any fear, and now their faces were drawn and pale.
They approached and dismounted. They removed their caps, and bent a little, faces pained as if they were passing gas.
Thomas nodded as they bowed to his authority, recognizing a status that had been ignored for many years.
"There's trouble in the village," Wickes said. He was twisting the brim of his cap, his face damp with sweat.
Thomas remembered how confident and strong the man had been on that night many years ago when the ironmonger used a hot iron to put out Lydia's beautiful dark eyes.
"Evil," Oliver whispered. "Evil work."
And Oliver, the self-appointed savior and protector of souls, stood there, mouth quivering with fear, the same mouth that had decried to the assembled villagers that Lydia was a witch and must be put to death.
There were nights Thomas dreamed of a great fire descending from the sky or a wave high enough to blot out the stars sweeping across the village of Turrelow and erasing it from existence. More than once Lydia's soft voice had told him he need not waste his energy thinking such thoughts. 'Half a century from now we will be joined, and this village will be but a dream.'
My love, he thought. Although she spoke to him every day, he missed her reality, her warmth, her flesh. Skin as pale as a winter moon, hair as dark as a moonless night.
Thomas stepped outside, letting the chill in the air strip away such pointless, torturous thoughts. The light in the lantern danced in the dark.
There was a time when his robe was new, and made of the finest cloth seen in the village. There was a time when some called Thomas 'Lord'; his family owned lands from the shore to the village and all the surrounding fields. There was a time when he was respected for his continental education and people would come to the one named Thomas Dimanche for advice and arbitration.
All of that changed when he married the woman would die as a witch.
Now they were coming to him for help.
"We've never seen anything like this," Wickes said. "We need the help of... of a learned man."
"The old priest Ranulph is dead," Oliver said. "Dead in a most horrible way."
Thomas spoke for the first time. "More horrible than what you did to my wife?"
He saw anger in the eyes of both men, and saw them struggle to extinguish their righteous rage.
"I will see Ranulph," Thomas said. "Not for your sakes, but for his. He was a gentle old man, one who never judged me, or my wife."
And that was true. The priest who preached the ways of Christ had been one of the few speaking out for the preservation of Lydia's life on that terrible night and Thomas had never forgotten it.
"Where is he?"
Oliver pointed toward the village over the hill that separated Thomas from everyone else on this part of the Devonshire coast.
"In the chapel."
"Go then," Thomas said, "And let him lie. I will see him shortly."
The men got on their horses and departed.
Thomas turned and saw the cat sitting in the doorway. "Prepare my bath, and my horse," he said. The cat didn't move. As the sun began to light the sky, he shooed it away a second time and went inside.
<>
Thomas had not been in the village in two years. He received deliveries of goods from those merchants he still had respect for, but had no other contact with anyone from Turrelow. He maintained his home and rode his horse and fished and read from his small collection of manuscripts. He walked the shoreline, the soft hiss of water on sand so like his lost Lydia's voice.
He rode down a road built by the Romans a century ago to a crumbling, half-finished wall at the edge of town. Thomas walked his horse to the chapel, passing the central square where more than one poor unfortunate had been hanged or tortured or burned alive for real or imagined transgressions upon those Turrelow residents now following the words of St. Augustine, who said heretics, pagans, and Jews would burn forever in eternal fire unless saved by the Catholic Church.
The village had been made a community by worshippers of every faith, pagan, Christian, even Roman, all living together, but it seemed that of late the Christians had the upper hand. What some were calling witchcraft had for years been accepted as one of the natural arts.
Lydia had not been burned here. She had been burned near her home. It had been two years and not a single blade of grass grew in that scorched circle.
Thomas saw a stake had been erected, and used, and smelled the faint scent of char. He saw a few clots of ash that had not been dispersed by wind or rain. He was glad he no longer came to this place.
The small chapel had been built before Thomas was born. His father had given the energetic old priest the funds needed to construct this place of worship. Etched into a cornerstone were the numerals CDXII. The Christ had been dead almost four hundred years when this place was made in his memory, a place to worship and remember his lessons.
There were a few villagers standing before the chapel. Some bowed to Thomas, some gestured at him with forked fingers and turned away. Most watched him with a mixture of curiosity and fear. A young woman wearing a shift of rough dark cloth smiled at him and gesticulated, making the sign of the cross. Her hair was the color of straw and her eyes were as green as water mint leaves.
Thomas entered the chapel with none of the reverence shown by Wickes and Oliver. He had little need for Jesus or any chapel, but Ranulph had been a good man regardless of his calling.
Now the old man was still, and as white as the marble slab he sprawled upon. His eyes were open and he started at the heavens he so espoused.
Ranulph had been laid upon the altar at an angle, his limbs dangling to the four points. He was naked, and his throat had been rudely slashed. Another cut had been made from his chin down to his sternum, creating a crucifix in raw, red flesh.
"It is far too clean here," Thomas said, his voice echoing off of cold stone.
Lydia whispered, 'We see dew when we should see rain.'
Oliver came forward a few steps, gesturing at the stained sides of the altar. "Clean? This place is soiled by his spilled humors."
"Yes, I see some blood and bile," Thomas said impatiently, "But that is seepage. Where is the mark of the font?"
Oliver and Wickes shared a glance. They shrugged.
Thomas closed the old priest's eyes. "Have you never slaughtered a pig?"
"We aren't fleshmongers," Oliver said.
Thomas laughed. "And I suppose neither of you remember the scarlet spray released from my wife's belly when you drove your knives into her before putting her to the fire?"
'Now-now,' Lydia said, soothing him. 'That road leads nowhere, dearest.'
Larark and Wickes lowered their eyes.
Thomas was wondering if Ranulph had been killed elsewhere and moved here, when a large woman bustled into the chapel and grabbed Oliver by the arm.
"Husband," she said, in a hushed and horrified tone, "We have found another."
Oliver's mouth quivered again. He looked like an old woman. "Who?"
"Capus," the woman said.
Thomas was surprised by this. Killing an old man like Ranulph was one thing, but Capus was an old warrior, muscle for hire who most often did the bidding of distant magistrates. Capus would not have gone easily. The former legionnaire who preferred these northern shores to the hills of Rome had fought Picts from the north and barbarians from the south. Capus had allegiance only to coin, and Thomas remembered the scarred former soldier binding him in chains before they dragged Lydia to her doom.
Oliver looked at Thomas, and Thomas nodded. "Let us go to him."
They left the church and crossed the square. Thomas saw more forked fingers and saw the young woman in dark cloth smiling at him again from a distance.
"Who is that girl?"
Wickes glanced once and snorted. "Just another trollop for hire. She cooks and sews and licks clean the glans of any man with free coin in his purse."
The girl brushed the fingers of one hand across her mouth and licked her fingers, before turning and disappearing from view.
They went to the Gaff and Gully, Turrelow's only inn.
Peterson, the owner of the inn, led them upstairs to the room Capus lived in. The room reeked of stale ale and old sweat. Peterson and Oliver's wife stood by the door, refusing to enter.
Capus was lying naked on his bed. The slashes in his throat were the same as those that had killed the priest. A cord had been tied around his manhood. The organ was erect and almost black and a sluggish fly crawled on the tip.
"He has been dead longer than the priest," Thomas said. "And again, there is not as much blood here as there should be."
"Sacred Jesus," Wickes said.
Oliver began to quake in his boots. "A revenant. Saints preserve us, this is the work of an unholy revenant."
Thomas was tempted to tell Oliver that hysteria would not help them find any answers to these puzzling deaths and struggled to hold his tongue.
"We must inspect the graveyard," Wickes hissed. "We must look for a disturbed grave, the resting place of the malignancy."
"And take off the foul thing's head," Oliver said.
"Let us look for answers in this world," Thomas said, "before going on a witch hunt for something from the next."
He leaned close enough to the pale face to kiss the dead man's violet lips. He plucked something from the man's shoulder with finger and thumb. It was a strand of hair the color of straw.
"The girl I asked after," he said. "Has she had any recent intercourse with both Ranulph and Capus?"
Wickes scratched the side of his nose and let out a bitter laugh. "Well, of course. She professed love for a possessed man we put to the Lord's cleansing fire one night this winter past."
"Oliver," Thomas said. "Gather some men. Find that girl. And Wickes, are there any other townspeople who attended this—"
Thomas was going to say something vulgar, but Lydia censured him, saying, 'Hold your cunning tongue, my sweet.'
"—recent activity? Anyone you have not seen of late?"
Wickes spread his arms wide. "Most of the townsfolk were present," he said. "Anyone not in the square as we passed through could... wait a moment. I have not seen old Alice Gray for some time, and she comes by every day to chatter at me, as her husband was the town smithy and taught me his trade."
They left the inn, Oliver having to be prodded again to go and find the girl and seeming quite put out having to take orders and not suggestions from Thomas.
When Wickes and Thomas reached Alice Gray's home, they heard the drone of flies the moment they stepped inside her door.
"God," Wickes said, retching loudly. "The stench!"
"Purge yourself outside," Thomas said, "Not in here."
Wickes trotted back the way he had come and Thomas closed the door.
Alice was propped in a chair in her kitchen, her cold, drained body resting beside the cold wood stove. She was naked, bore the crucifix wound, and her body was alive with maggots. Flies rose into the air like a storm as Thomas stepped into the room. There were a few drops of blood on the floor, but no splashes or sprays.
While Wickes vomited loudly out in the street, Thomas found a tablecloth in the pantry and draped it over the old woman.
When they returned to the town square a crowd had gathered, many holding crucifixes. Thomas heard whispers of demons and revenants.
"It is all due to that man we sent to hell," one man shouted.
"Aye," another said. "Sanguyne, he what burned at the stake."
Thomas turned to Wickes. "Tell me of this man."
Wickes looked at the crowd and looked at his feet. He would not look at Thomas as he spoke.
"He was a stranger. He came into town on the Yule of the year and took a room at the Gaff and Gully. He was only here a few days when Peterson began to find dead animals behind the inn. Rats and mice and birds. Some cats. The creatures had their throats cut. One day when the man was out Peterson went into the rented room and found a tin cup with... with dried blood in the bottom. The stranger was drinking that blood!"
Thomas realized the man had arrived in the village on the winter solstice. The shortest, darkest day of the year for some... but a time to celebrate rebirth and fertility for others.
"When we sought this man," Wickes said, "He ran to the chapel and demanded that the priest offer him sanctuary. When Ranulph hesitated, the stranger mocked Jesus Christ and the church and Ranulph let us take him."
Many of those assembled nodded fervently.
"And then?" Thomas asked.
"And then," Wickes said, "We lopped off that wicked stranger's head and burned him at the stake. The only one who spoke up for him was the trollop."
"Her name is Nest," someone said. "She come from Wales, she did."
Wickes nodded. "Foolish little thing. She was taken with the stranger."
"Taken with his cock," someone else said.
Thomas looked at the crowd. He didn't see the girl or Oliver, and he asked if anyone else had seen them.
"Oliver went down to the hovel that girl calls home," an old man said. "At the end of Seagate Road."
Thomas went to his horse and rode down the road, unsure if any others would follow.
<>
Near the end of the road to the sea was a path leading to a small house of damp stone that Thomas knew had been abandoned many years ago. Outside the home was Oliver's horse.
Thomas dismounted and went inside. The distant sound of the waves on the beach seemed to be just as loud in the gloom of this place, and it took Thomas a moment to realize he was not hearing the susurration of sea on sand but a soft sucking sound that filled him with horror.
'Stand fast,' Lydia whispered in his ear.
As his eyes adjusted to the gloom Thomas took a step backward.
There was a bed, just a pallet holding a straw mattress. Oliver lay upon it, his cloak and tunic lying on the floor.
The girl Nest was straddling him. She too was naked. She held a bloody knife in one hand and she was sucking at the cruciform wound in his throat.
"My God, give me strength," Thomas whispered, and Nest looked at him and smiled.
Her face was soaked with blood. As she stood before Thomas blood ran down her slender form over the curves of breast and belly, from the golden strands on her head and to the golden ringlets below, and she touched herself there, sliding two red, slick fingers inside herself.
"Thomas Dimanche," she said, flicking an erect nipple with the blade of the knife.
Thomas looked away.
'Don't be the upright gentlemen now, my love!' Lydia sounded harsh, almost angry. 'Let not your eyes stray from this foul girl for one moment!'
He looked into those green eyes.
"What have you done, child?"
She thought a moment and said, "I feed the coming red storm." Her accent was lilting, like music. "I feed the child inside me until it can feed itself."
Nest's eyes seemed to flicker like lightning in a distant thunderhead and Thomas stepped backward until he bumped against one wall.
The girl came closer, waving the knife between them. "Ooooh-ooooh," she said, giggling and sounding like a child playing at being a spirit in the night.
There was a whisper only he could hear. 'She will not take you, Thomas, but you must listen and learn.'
"I will not take you," Nest said, echoing Lydia. "Your blood is too... pure."
Thomas tried to raise his arms as she came closer still, but he could not move, he was entranced by those green eyes.
"His name was Sanguyne," Nest said. "He was my love, and these pious fools killed him. It was preordained, but that does not take away from the pleasure I feel in ending their sad little lives."
Nest touched his thigh, and her hand rose to cup his crotch.
'Forward little wench,' Lydia murmured, and Thomas could almost see one dark eyebrow arched with the ire he had experienced from time to time.
"He told me about you, Thomas," the girl said. "He told me how your wife was accused of witchcraft. How she was cursed simply because she was an outspoken woman. Because she understood herbs, and the weather, and was kind to all animals, even shunned things such as garden snakes and cats and toads. He told me how you were bound in iron chains in the dark of night and had to watch as your wife was blinded and gutted with a rusty blade and then tied to a tree and burned alive, until only a great circle of ash remained, and in the center of that cold circle, your heart."
Nest laughed a girlish, musical laugh.
"Did you know," Nest said, "That they also killed the child within her? Your child, Thomas?"
"No," Thomas said, unable to breath. "No."
Lydia's voice was silent.
Nest stood on her toes and kissed him, and Thomas tasted blood.
"My love's name was Sanguyne, and he was a saint. A saint of a new order. And he had to die that his will may survive, through his son. A twist on the stories of Jesus, eh?"
"I don't understand," Thomas said.
Lydia spoke to him and sounded exasperated. 'Now is no time to be thick, dearest to my heart.'
Nest stood on tiptoe again and whispered in his ear. "I am his reliquary. I carry his child, and feed it blood, and when it comes into the world, men will fear it." She lifted one of his numb arms and put the knife in his hand, pointing the blade at the curve of her left breast. "Will you strike me down in the name of the Lord God?"
Thomas considered mustering his will against the lethargy now filling him.
'Patience,' Lydia said.
Nest stepped back and Thomas felt his arm hang dead at his side. The knife fell to the dirt floor of the house.
"I thought not," Nest said.
As Thomas watched she pulled on her clothes and passed him by without another look. He heard her mount his horse and ride away.
Thomas lurched and fell to his knees, drawing a deep breath of sea air. Feeling ran back into his limbs and his flesh felt full of pins and needles.
In the distance he heard horses coming down the Seagate Road from the village.
He picked up the blade Nest had used on Oliver and stood.
"I should have killed her," Thomas said aloud.
'No,' Lydia replied, only to his ears. 'If we kill the child before it is born that black spirit will go elsewhere to be born again. We must kill the being and the sprit as one to stop the coming storm. And now you know what to look for, Thomas. Now you know what lies ahead of you.'
Thomas looked at the knife in his hand. He could sit down, right here, and open a vein. He had heard it was a painless way to die. And he would be with her. His love.
"Oh Lydia," Thomas said, his voice raw. "How can I live without you?"
'I do not know, my love. But you must find a way. There is much to do before we can embrace once more.'
Thomas nodded. He tossed the knife away and stepped outside.
The skies were clear, but the storm was coming.
- VS -
Entry 2
If anyone asks, it's a collection of Unholy-inspired works. An anti-reliquary, if you will. Other than that...Filename.
Entry 1:
Amontillado
Axolotl
BadSamaritan87
bart
Beano312003
BLITZKREIG_BOB
bob
bonnee
Bubba2341
Cadrach
CaptainThorns
Caulaincourt
Charlton_H
charminglybeef
Circe
corn_nugget
Coyote
Crystle
DirtyHarry
drgoatcabin
DrogoRoch
DudeThatsBOSH
ELG
Fey
FilthyAssistant
FlakMonkey
Genko
ghola
GodChicken
goferforhire
green_seduction
HadToBeDone
Hiredugan
horse87
HotWillie
iddqd
indoninja
inion_de_trua
Jack_McCallum
JMG114
JulsInsane
justagirl27
kaos-king
Levity
Life101
littledan
lolabelly
Mars
moneyshotforyou
Mr_T
MyNameIsTim
Orgasmatron
orph
ParlorTrick
Razor
redskieslookfake
richsghostdog
Sacrilicious
scourge
SkullBiter
Snare
snowclouds
sparkle_pink
Spuds002
St_Jimmy
Stabkill
Stagger_Lee
Still-Life
supadupapupa
thecaes
TheJessicar
TigerLilly
TimetoDance
Unabonger
webcorona
WingedFoote
57 eligible votes (76 total) *
Entry 2:
Adamdidit2u
Antioxident
apollo88
AsshOly
Badlands
baking_Lady
Ballare
bicklefragile
BobLobla
BubbaEarl
Chronic
Coleslaw_Murphy
darko
DCWoody
DonovanMD
EchoBoxing
Fr057m0urn3
FunnyAsCancer
GMCrayon
gravitas
Harbinger
hugafriend
iMoh69
IntangibleHands
joedaddy
JohnnyTruant
JonnyX
KindaNews
knucklesnelson
kwame_johnson
LovelyLady
maiorano84
Manitou
Method
MichaelJackson
Phallic_Cymbals
phuzzygish
PokeyMen
polyamorousaj
Psmith
rad1101
RandomJose
ripple
rob_berg
satchel
Shlongy
sicosemen
Sinistral
Spooner
STIXS
strwbryfanatic
TempermentalTypist
The_Cyst_Master
The_Perfect_Scrotum
The_taste_of_Monkeys
TheUniter
thorpe
tlsuda
Tony_the_Tiger_is_a_Pedophile
Tr4ppedunderice
v8lover
vexx
waterbottle
whocares229
yhywstudios
zakalwe
52 eligible votes (66 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2008-03-02 22:25:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've said it before, but I suppose it bears mentioning again...
EVERY uber user is an alter of the Great Method.
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2007-02-20 09:45:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm not method's alter, just his jilted lover =(
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-02-13 08:09:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh well, drug trade it is then
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-13 06:26:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck jack
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2007-02-12 18:53:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't help out either. Since I lost UberMadness, I lost my only source of income, and can't afford cheese.
Let alone porn.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-12 16:49:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-02-12 16:39:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-12 15:49:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
Choose one:
a) We have to wait one more day to find out who wrote what?
b) Ubermadness IV now officially extended for one more day.
c) Tomorrow we will all be one day closer to the day of our deaths.
----------
well whats one more day, since the fact is that when this started I was a Zoologist named TTOM and now, three reincarnations later, Im a young goat farmer from Venezuala named Julio.
Who will buy my cheese?
--
Sorry, I'd like to help but I can't.
Hugo Chávez is setting quotas on cheese exports to western nations and is not selling ANY dairy products to the USA. The bastard.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-02-12 16:39:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-12 15:49:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
Choose one:
a) We have to wait one more day to find out who wrote what?
b) Ubermadness IV now officially extended for one more day.
c) Tomorrow we will all be one day closer to the day of our deaths.
----------
well whats one more day, since the fact is that when this started I was a Zoologist named TTOM and now, three reincarnations later, Im a young goat farmer from Venezuala named Julio.
Who will buy my cheese?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-12 15:49:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2007-02-12 04:45:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Round wrap up is gonna be delayed guys. Been a busy birthday weekend. I'll get the files to JMG tomorrow.
--
Choose one:
a) We have to wait one more day to find out who wrote what?
b) Ubermadness IV now officially extended for one more day.
c) Tomorrow we will all be one day closer to the day of our deaths.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2007-02-12 04:45:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Round wrap up is gonna be delayed guys. Been a busy birthday weekend. I'll get the files to JMG tomorrow.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-12 03:54:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nickname Poll: jack87 or Horse_McCallum? Vote Here PLUS Jack's Camwhore !!! http://fagbelow.com/
--
Well I guess I made another sale. Cool.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-12 00:53:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2007-02-09 00:35:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-02-09 00:11:20 (#)
Ranking: -1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-08 22:59:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm just relieved that people are voting for or against the posts and not for or against the posters.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nobody really thinks that horse n wisher are your alters, you guys getting so uptight about it is why it's at all amusing and has carried on so long....
------------------------------------------------------
I dunno. It's hard not to get irritated sometimes.
Getting called "alter" (or "cheater", in Jack's case..) all the time gets old pretty quick.
It's like when you were a kid and had that 'friend' that would bug the shit out of you endlessly just to get a rise out of you, simply for his own amusement. Then, if he drove you far enough 'round the bend to freak out on him, he'd get all indignant, saying " Jeez, It was just for fun..Relax!"..and then start all over again.
Doing that once, or maybe twice is funny.
The third time would usually earn him a solid punch in the head.
That usually stopped it from escalating like it has here.
I guess this is just a sign of how far Uber has sunk from its earlier days as site where, occasionally, it seemed that people actually took the time to try to write decent stuff.
Now it's more like recess at a school for the mentally challenged.
Oh well..
=======
Maybe you shouldn't be such a pair of touchy bastards, then.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-12 00:35:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
when does the voting end for this?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-02-11 14:35:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
RIGHT!
|
|
|
|
|
|
V
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-11 14:29:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Who is uberlord...
--
1 round to go.
I know MY chances are GREAT!
1. No one recognizes my style.
2. Everyone likes me.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-02-11 13:54:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2007-02-11 13:10:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
who is the uberlord?
****************
Er...it ain't over yet.
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2007-02-11 13:10:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
who is the uberlord?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-10 01:09:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-02-09 23:46:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
i think we should start all over again in a couple of months and do it right
--
If we had done that, I would have already won.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-02-09 23:46:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i think we should start all over again in a couple of months and do it right
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-09 12:15:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-09 09:44:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
Bubba, they're not all alters, like the other list?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-02-09 08:46:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry 1:
Amontillado
Axolotl
BadSamaritan87
bart
Beano312003
BLITZKREIG_BOB
bob
bonnee
Bubba2341
Cadrach
CaptainThorns
Caulaincourt
A couple of points could be made about the above list.....
----
At least ONE of them is.
Submitted by yhywstudios (user info) at 2007-02-09 10:41:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2007-02-09 10:31:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
whatev
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-09 09:44:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bubba, they're not all alters, like the other list?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-02-09 08:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry 1:
Amontillado
Axolotl
BadSamaritan87
bart
Beano312003
BLITZKREIG_BOB
bob
bonnee
Bubba2341
Cadrach
CaptainThorns
Caulaincourt
A couple of points could be made about the above list.....
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2007-02-09 02:13:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2007-02-09 00:35:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-02-09 00:11:20 (#)
Ranking: -1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-08 22:59:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm just relieved that people are voting for or against the posts and not for or against the posters.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nobody really thinks that horse n wisher are your alters, you guys getting so uptight about it is why it's at all amusing and has carried on so long....
------------------------------------------------------
I dunno. It's hard not to get irritated sometimes.
Getting called "alter" (or "cheater", in Jack's case..) all the time gets old pretty quick.
It's like when you were a kid and had that 'friend' that would bug the shit out of you endlessly just to get a rise out of you, simply for his own amusement. Then, if he drove you far enough 'round the bend to freak out on him, he'd get all indignant, saying " Jeez, It was just for fun..Relax!"..and then start all over again.
Doing that once, or maybe twice is funny.
The third time would usually earn him a solid punch in the head.
That usually stopped it from escalating like it has here.
I guess this is just a sign of how far Uber has sunk from its earlier days as site where, occasionally, it seemed that people actually took the time to try to write decent stuff.
Now it's more like recess at a school for the mentally challenged.
Oh well...
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-02-09 00:35:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-02-09 00:11:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-08 22:59:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm just relieved that people are voting for or against the posts and not for or against the posters.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nobody really thinks that horse n wisher are your alters, you guys getting so uptight about it is why it's at all amusing and has carried on so long....
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-08 23:55:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth repeating...
--
http://www.ubersite.com/m/98584#2307460
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2007-02-08 21:17:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
At the risk of repeating myself...
What I find dumb about all of this is the fact that you all constantly forget the fact that I already said that too_many_wheels was me and that I wasn't able to log into the account after a while for some reason. I created a second one using my hotmail name and just carried on. I never tried to hide it.
Yeah, I introduced Jack to Uber.
Yes, I did the lame ass promotional thing. Mea culpa. It was dumb. However, at the time,I figured if it got people to ask him a few questions, and get him writing again, it'd be a good thing, as he was in a sort of slump.
I never thought I might actually want to post on here ever again, or that Jack might actually wind up becoming so popular/notorious/whatever on Uber. I also never figured that there'd be a hardcore group of junior G-men, who, being so overcome by jealousy or just plain spite, simply had to find some way to prove Jack couldn't possibly be so popular as he appeared. The Horse87/too_many_wheels thing seemed to be your perfect smoking gun.
Never mind the obvious fact that Bart would bounce Jack from Uber if he created and alter and voted for himself. Never mind the fact that I've offered numerous times to prove where I am.
Lastly, never mind the fact that all you'd have to do is e-mail Bart and complain to him and the issue would be resolved. (..but then you might wind up getting nailed for some of your own alter activities, wouldn't you..?)
You'll keep posting, and whining and crying like the wingnuts you are, aggravating everybody on here in the process with your complaints, threats and 'evidence'... with the rest of us knowing that all the while, a single email could solve everything.
You guys just have to be right.
You just love your conspiracy theories, dont'cha?
Well, I hate to disappoint you, bud, but, although it would be a total waste of time, it wouldn't take much to truly fool you guys. It's just that you simply aren't important enough to warrant the effort, as I've said before.
You'll just have to face the fact that Jack's writing is usually popular (..if not always good..) and can win Ubermadness without any alter assistance. I know hearing that'll be hard on your fragile egos, but it's simply a fact of life you'll have to live with.
If you could have proven anything by now, you would have had Jack bounced from UM long ago. Since you know you can't, you'll settle for a little smear campaign. Sorta like your US politics, it seems. If someone's better than you, drag him down any way you can!
Anyway...Having said that, I think it's time to call you big mouth's out.
Bart, if you read this (..and I'm sure you will..) I give my express permission to you to make public on Uber the details of my geographic location. I have nothing to hide. A simple comment in this post will do.
Then, maybe, we can put an end to this.
(In addition, Jack, you may want to add your permission to allow Bart to make public the fact as to wether or not you have any alters voting for you in UM. We all already know you live in SF....with your cats.)
..and before all of you out there start thinking that Bart wouldn't be interested in this little sandbox spat, I will say that Jack and Bart have, in the past, had discussions about the use of alters. Jack specifically wanted to get an old one resurrected a little while ago and had to ask Bart's permission, as he could not log into the account. This led to some ground rules being presented to Jack, with the proviso that he not misuse the alter, as Jack once did let things get a little out of hand with one alter. Bart is *very* aware of who Jack's alter is and what he's doing with it.
(BTW, Not that anyone will believe me, but as of this post, Jack only has one active alter, and I'm pretty sure it isn't me...or even Wisher, no matter what you Einstiens want to believe.. Who it actually is is pretty obvious to anyone with 3 brain cells who's been on here for a while...)
Thus, if you really want to get rid of Jack, complain to Bart.
Jack's been warned, so if he's been cheating, he'll be banned. Plain and simple.
No need for all this pointless, inane, name calling.
But if you're wrong, you'd better be ready to apologize for the 'cheater' remarks...but you probably wouldn't have the balls for that, would you?
So....
Somebody gonna man up and contact Bart to settle this, or are you all still going to keep whining like widdle babees inna school yard?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-02-08 23:55:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
TAKE THAT JACK! http://www.ubersite.com/m/98459#2307389
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2007-02-08 23:52:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by iMoh69 (user info) at 2007-02-08 23:17:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-08 22:59:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm just relieved that people are voting for or against the posts and not for or against the posters.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2007-02-08 22:01:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This just keeps getting better.
But I need more useless dramatic shit! Someone, stir the flames! Method, go!
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-02-08 21:23:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2007-02-08 20:58:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Fr057m0urn3 (user info) at 2007-02-08 20:40:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-02-08 20:21:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
DIE UBERMADNESS.
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2007-02-08 20:13:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-02-08 18:28:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm 18. Probably 19 by the time I get there. I forget that the US drinking age is unusually high
---------------
We'll go over to Quebec and I'll introduce you to some Quebec microbrews like Maudit and Fin De La Monde. They're about 12% alcohol. (..and Caul is correct, they do come in large 700ml bottles..roughly a quart, for youse Amurricans.. ) Too many of those and you'll be waking up face down in a Gatineau jail cell with Caul's mutant cousin Bobo for company.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-08 20:08:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
can #2 plz win already?
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2007-02-08 20:06:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-02-08 18:09:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
maybe horse87 is Jack's dad.
we're taking over Ottawa old man >:-D
---------------------
Ha!
See that Jack?
Who's your daddy now?
BTW Caul, I'm not as Francophobe as Jack.
Most of my friends growing up were French, and I live in a predominantly French community.
Doesn't bother me any. You guys usually have the best parties, anyway.
Submitted by The_Perfect_Scrotum (user info) at 2007-02-08 19:25:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-02-08 19:22:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Isn't this supposed to be a writing competition?
Submitted by Chronic (user info) at 2007-02-08 19:16:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-08 19:10:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
clusterfuck entertained me all day.
sorry it was mostly at your expense Jack.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-02-08 18:28:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm 18. Probably 19 by the time I get there. I forget that the US drinking age is unusually high
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2007-02-08 18:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really should vote for 1, it was awesome, but 2 was a change of pace this tournament needed.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-02-08 18:09:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
maybe horse87 is Jack's dad.
we're taking over Ottawa old man >:-D
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-02-08 17:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The legal drinking age in Greece is 12 drachmas = (
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-02-08 17:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wait...you can post pictures???
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-08 17:44:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-02-08 17:39:10 (#)
Ranking: -2
If we can just hang on a little longer, I'm about to register 16 alters- and make them each post 20 times in the next 48 hours - to counter all of Jack's alters voting for himself.
--
Register alters?
I'm surpised you figured out how to post a fuckin picture without the pool boy's help.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-02-08 17:39:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
If we can just hang on a little longer, I'm about to register 16 alters- and make them each post 20 times in the next 48 hours - to counter all of Jack's alters voting for himself.
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2007-02-08 17:31:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-02-08 16:47:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-02-08 16:34:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
Mr. Horse, I may be entering the Canada area sometime in the near future, and as long as you don't mind buying an underaged gentleman and his lady friend a beer, I'll gladly take you up on that offer.
===
underaged? what are you 10?
In my hometown people start going out around 13 yeard old and they drink those large 700 ml beers.
Oh right, you're visiting anglo-canada aka BoredomLand! HAR HAR!
-----------------------------
Caul has a point.
So long as you 'aint 12 or something... (..and you'll be in the Ottawa Area..) ...you got a deal.
Look for an email soon.
(..and if you're computer savvy, check the IP address it came from, then run a trace on it...You'll see generally where I am...)
Jesus...
A chance to put finally an end to this damned alter thing...Unless, of course, they start calling *you* an alter too....In which case I'll simply have to start a fucking alters club or something...
Oh, and Jack...? "big nose, smells of engine parts"..? Fuck you too, pal....
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2007-02-08 17:28:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2007-02-08 17:16:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Because she understood herbs, and the weather, and was kind to all animals, even shunned things such as garden snakes and cats and toads."
I'm sorry, buddy. That is written in an ambiguous way. With the comma structure, it is unclear whether the ", even..." is supposed to modify the "all animals" or whether it is just another verb clause in your list of descriptions of how Lydia was.
I.e, using shunned as a verb instead of adjective.
Now, you've made it quite CLEAR that it's an adjective, and probably had your intelligence insulted somewhat by the implication that YOU created a contradiction for your character (which you didn't).
BUT, and this is all I'm saying, you could've worded it in a less ambiguous way to avoid the confusion.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-02-08 16:47:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-02-08 16:34:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
Mr. Horse, I may be entering the Canada area sometime in the near future, and as long as you don't mind buying an underaged gentleman and his lady friend a beer, I'll gladly take you up on that offer.
===
underaged? what are you 10?
In my hometown people start going out around 13 yeard old and they drink those large 700 ml beers.
Oh right, you're visiting anglo-canada aka BoredomLand! HAR HAR!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-08 16:39:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-02-08 16:34:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
Mr. Horse, I may be entering the Canada area sometime in the near future, and as long as you don't mind buying an underaged gentleman and his lady friend a beer, I'll gladly take you up on that offer.
E-mail me at parthecs.at.jmu.edu if you're serious.
--
I'll make sure he sees this.
And if you're looking for him... Tall guy, big nose, smells of engine parts, drives a Ford.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-02-08 16:34:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mr. Horse, I may be entering the Canada area sometime in the near future, and as long as you don't mind buying an underaged gentleman and his lady friend a beer, I'll gladly take you up on that offer.
E-mail me at parthecs.at.jmu.edu if you're serious.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-02-08 16:25:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was tough.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-08 16:23:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck it...LETS KILL MCCALLUM, PUT HIS JEW HEAD ON A STAKE. DEATH TO FAC AS WELL. MAKE THEM FUCKING EAT EACH OTHERS SHIT.
I'm voting, me and all my alters, for whoever uses the words 'anal crevasse' the most times in the final.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2007-02-08 16:20:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh well.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2007-02-08 16:20:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmm.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-02-08 16:02:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry...point=post
FUCKING ENGLISH LANGUAGE! WHY CAN'T YOU MAKE POINT A SYNONYM OF POST TO FIX MY TYPOS!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-02-08 16:00:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:57:06 (#)
Ranking: 0
NUMEROUS?
Try ONE! Just ripple! One out of over ONE HUNDRED voters!
Holy fucking exaggeration, Batman!
==
i'm just done scrolling the point to see who were those mysterious NUMEROUS idiots.
turns out there's only one chick whose friend rushed to her defense.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:59:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*nods head*
Tru dat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:54:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
i wonder if we would remember shakespear had he re-worded to please the peasants.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:58:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:54:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
i wonder if we would remember shakespear had he re-worded to please the peasants.
--
AHAHAHA!
'I wish I was a glove on your hand touching your cheek.'
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:57:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
lol @ caul
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:40:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
Jack. If you were to write a story, who do you be writing it for? Are you writing it for yourself?
I understood the sentence in question just fine. I'm saying that if numerous people are commenting...
--
NUMEROUS?
Try ONE! Just ripple! One out of over ONE HUNDRED voters!
Holy fucking exaggeration, Batman!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:54:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i wonder if we would remember shakespear had he re-worded to please the peasants.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:53:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:26:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
JACK. STOP DEFENDING YOURSELF. IF PEOPLE ARE GETTING CONFUSED BY WORDS THAT *YOU* WROTE, THEN YOU CHANGE YOUR WORDING.
===
another reason why americans are viewed as retarded.
'oh jeez, this might be too complex for feeble minds...let us water it down and appeal to the lowest common denominator'
i guess we should burn dictionaries and communicate like neanderthals with gestures and eructations to make it easy for the illiterate and imbeciles. that's probably why hip hop was invented. 'we bee burnin boo bee bah boh bee bah bo beeh boh bee bah! bee boh bee bah buh bee boh! ugh! ugh! yeah! ugh!"
p.s. i'm ESL and i understood what he meant. why can't you?
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:42:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
would instead of do; you get the fucking point
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:40:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Jack. If you were to write a story, who do you be writing it for? Are you writing it for yourself?
I understood the sentence in question just fine. I'm saying that if numerous people are commenting on it, it doesn't imply that they are all retards, as you would like to assume. It means there's something else going on in your piece. I nicely suggested you re-word. But you want to whine like a bitch about it and keep defending yourself. Have it your way, Wrongo.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:37:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm just trying to bring a little life to an otherwise completely dead contest.
So sue me.
P.S. Jack cheated
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:36:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:26:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
JACK. STOP DEFENDING YOURSELF. IF PEOPLE ARE GETTING CONFUSED BY WORDS THAT *YOU* WROTE, THEN YOU CHANGE YOUR WORDING. YOU DON'T GET ALL DEFENSIVE AND EXPLAIN 18 TIMES WHY IT'S THE READER'S FAULT FOR MISUNDERSTANDING. IF SEVERAL PEOPLE DON'T GET IT AND YOU DO, WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
ANSWER: IT'S YOU
--
No, baby, it means that they are morons who don't understand the english language, and your heartfelt defense of them indicates that you may be one of them. The meaning behind sentence in question is quite clear, and I'm sure the author of that entry is scratching his head in amazement. Any writer worth his or her salt would refuse to bow to ignorance.
Strawb & Co:
"Shunned? Reliquary? Hunh?" http://dictionary.reference.com/ "Well, irregardless, I could care less!"
*indignant hair-flip*
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:36:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
lol - I just like stirring shit, that's what I do. I have no other redeeming qualities around here.
Submitted by lolabelly (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:31:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:27:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I would imagine that creating a book is very difficult for you. The editor probably dreams of killing you to eliminate the headaches.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:26:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I love Ubermadness
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:26:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
JACK. STOP DEFENDING YOURSELF. IF PEOPLE ARE GETTING CONFUSED BY WORDS THAT *YOU* WROTE, THEN YOU CHANGE YOUR WORDING. YOU DON'T GET ALL DEFENSIVE AND EXPLAIN 18 TIMES WHY IT'S THE READER'S FAULT FOR MISUNDERSTANDING. IF SEVERAL PEOPLE DON'T GET IT AND YOU DO, WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
ANSWER: IT'S YOU
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:25:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:09:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
alter bullshit running rampant around here
--
Wait... You see it too? YOU see it TOO?
That means... I am NOT insane!
ahahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:23:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well Strawb, you are entitled to your opinion, as I am to mine.
My reasons for saying what I said are clearly stated below, and are a result of the Jack gangbang that has been going on for two months now. You want to talk about unprofessional? Talk about that.
And if you actually READ my comments to ripple you would see that I was pointing out that ripple misread the entire sentence. Of course it would have helped if ripple knew a little history- throughout the dark ages and middle ages cats were shunned by pretty much everyone. I've pointed out that kind of ignorance before, on UM posts that were my own and those that were the work of others, and I will continue to do so in defense of the writers. Most writers don't mind being accused of creating shit, that happens, but when you don't understand what you are reading and then slam it because YOU got confused, don't accuse the writer of doing shitty work.
Submitted by ELG (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:21:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:12:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
T agree with this flakmonkey foo's jibber jabber.
he pity the foo who choose a stupid god damn picture just cause he hate that stupid conservative honkey mccallum
t gonna chop down trees
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:09:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
alter bullshit running rampant around here.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-02-08 15:00:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Not that I'm trying to get anyone DQed from the competition, and I voted for FAC's entry, but who is the one who first revealed their entry???
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2007-02-07 11:15:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Some of these comments are hysterical.
Finally, people are starting to give a shit about UberMadness again, and all it took was a MSPaint.
Win or lose, I'm happy to be part of this match-up.
*****************************************************************************************************
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-07 11:24:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2007-02-07 10:05:56 (#)
Ranking: -2
and was kind to all animals, even shunned things such as garden snakes and cats and toads.
Shunning is negative. It's like making those things an outcast and not associating with them, which is contradictary, since you informed us of Lydia's love for cats. That really sealed 1's fate for me. I'd rather see minimal effort than a lot of effort with no results.
--
If this was MY entry, not that I'm saying it is (I may be washing mspaint off my fingers right now), I would point out that YOU misread that.
She was kind to all animals, EVEN shunned things... meaning she was kind to shunned things as well, she did not shun them.
It does not say, SHE even shunned things...
For Christ's sake.
-------------------------------------------
Jack, you're one of the only people around here that insists on everything being serious and professional. If you were any kind of professional writer, you would take Ripple's perception of your story and try to listen rather than defend yourself. Check the etiquette for writers. When your piece is being "workshopped," you don't do this. This is your audience and you should learn from what they have to say as far as confusing wording, etc. Besides, we all know by now that every review after hers was essentially about the Alter Shitfest. You could stop being so prideful and say "you know, thanks for taking the time to actually read my piece and I understand how you could be confused by my wording." On second thought, maybe you could just be a ostentatious assfuck instead.
*****************************************************************************************************
Submitted by LovelyLady (user info) at 2007-02-07 12:10:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the picture.
Submitted by v8lover (user info) at 2007-02-07 12:10:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
two is better
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-02-07 12:09:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by waterbottle (user info) at 2007-02-07 12:09:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-02-07 12:09:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
Two
Submitted by hugafriend (user info) at 2007-02-07 12:04:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
rofl
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2007-02-07 12:02:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
It was really close for me, but entry 2 won in the end!
Submitted by Tr4ppedunderice (user info) at 2007-02-07 11:59:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't like the consonance and alliteration of entry 1 = (
Submitted by Harbinger (user info) at 2007-02-07 11:58:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-02-07 11:58:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
OH LOOK ITS HORSE!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-07 13:04:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Method has voted against me 4 times by my last count.
Thanks, Greek-boy.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-07 13:03:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by waterbottle (user info) at 2007-02-07 12:09:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
--
ALTER VOTE.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-07 15:27:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kwame_johnson (user info) at 2007-02-07 15:20:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
--
APOLLO ALTER!!!
Apollo voted twice!
Lop off his gonads with The Big Blade of Justice!
---------------------------------------------------
Really Jack? Those are alter votes? Thanks for the fucking update.
Was this pretty gay Method and Sico to do? Yes, I think so. Alters should not be voting. I will also say that I believe since this "Jack's Alters" issue has been brought to Bart's attention, I'm sure he's taken care of it. If Wisher or Horse were Jack's alters, Bart would have banned them or whatever. In any event, I'm sure he checked on it. Are you waiting for Bart's PR person to tell you this? Then maybe will you all stop being such homos about the issue? HOWEVER...While Method and Sico are attending to their childhood, Jack, you are just acting like a big baby. If I was your mother, I'd purposely squirt you in the face with my tit juice because you're pissing me off.
Why are ANY of you arguing about voting for shitty UM? What's the prize? It's sure as hell not 72 virgins, which is the false assumption you must be under, based on your incessant level of whining. You get nothing. So STFU.
Submitted by Mars (user info) at 2007-02-08 13:26:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2007-02-08 12:59:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2007-02-08 12:32:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by TheJessicar (user info) at 2007-02-08 12:07:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2007-02-08 11:54:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck!?
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-02-08 11:17:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-02-08 10:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-08 09:38:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm like the Washington Redskins of Ubermadness; I suck, but I almost always pick the winner.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-02-08 09:10:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't really care for either, but I'm beginning to hate that ms-paint cat (which may have been cut & pasted).
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2007-02-08 06:53:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by baking_Lady (user info) at 2007-02-08 05:13:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
kekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekeke
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-08 05:11:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-02-07 16:32:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-07 01:11:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
darko, a Reliquary is the part of your girlfriend I keep my cock.
-------------------------
Too bad you don't have a wife to keep it in.
==============
darko, I dont love you and i never will
:'(
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2007-02-08 03:47:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-02-08 01:45:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2007-02-08 00:38:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now is no time to be thick.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-02-08 00:35:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How about the both of you get DQed? That would be much more fair, and less of a hassle. At least it'll end this shitfest a little quicker.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-02-08 00:26:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually liked the pretty picture.....
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-02-07 23:23:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Without a doubt.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-02-07 23:14:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2007-02-07 23:04:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
this competition is a joke.
-------------------
What do you expect, this whole website is a joke. All you can do is hope you are one of the ones in on the joke and not the ones the joke is being played on.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2007-02-07 23:04:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this competition is a joke.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-02-07 22:48:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-02-07 22:37:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
haha you guys are stupid, but funny
--
True.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-02-07 22:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
haha you guys are stupid, but funny
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-02-07 22:22:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2007-02-07 22:07:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by GMCrayon (user info) at 2007-02-07 22:06:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-02-07 21:51:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2007-02-07 21:37:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-02-06 09:25:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
i wish i could go back and change my vote to entry 2
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-02-07 21:51:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this shit's still going on?
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2007-02-07 21:37:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-02-06 09:25:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
i wish i could go back and change my vote to entry 2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-02-07 20:55:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
#2 without a doubt
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2007-02-07 20:48:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Its an Alter RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!
Submitted by Manitou (user info) at 2007-02-07 20:47:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-02-07 20:33:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
This is what made it through to the end?
Sheesh.
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2007-02-07 19:55:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"http://www.ubersite.com/m/98459#2304900 George, you cocksucker - horse87"
This 'aint my doing...I sure wouldn't waste a buck on Uberboard.
....and who the fuck is 'George', anyway?
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2007-02-07 19:46:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-07 19:26:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I just have the free beer without going to Canada or caring about the alter stuff?
---------
Sorry dude. Gotta earn it.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-07 19:26:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2007-02-07 18:54:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-02-07 15:39:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
(snip)
JACK VOTED TWICE
------------------------------
Really?
Then why not get Bart involved, accuse Jack of cheating, and get him to remove my vote if I'm an alter?
Answer: Because you can't, can you?
Look, Bart's already had a few discussions with Jack about his use of alters in the past. He tends to keep an eye on him. If I were an alter, and I voted for Jack in Uber, Jack would be banned, believe me. (..or at least be bounced from UM...)
As for me, Bart knows where I'm at, and knows I'm not an alter.
In case anyone's forgotten, I've also offered to hook up with any Uberite in my part of Ontario (or Quebec)to show who I'm not.
Hell, I'd could even have a beer with Caul if I was any closer to Montreal... ( I live in Embrun, Ont., part way down the 417...)
I'd even like to post some stuff, but the flood of "-2 ALTER"s would make it too bothersome to contemplate.
So if any of you in Eastern Ontario, or Western Quebec want some free beer in return for helping me put the alter thing to rest, let me know .... I'm buying...
---
Can I just have the free beer without going to Canada or caring about the alter stuff?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-02-07 19:25:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2007-02-07 19:07:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The first line made me wince. As did many others.
But the story itself was all right and really... how could I possibly vote otherwise?
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2007-02-07 19:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't laughed like this on Uber in so long...
Keep it up, guys, this is great stuff.
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2007-02-07 18:54:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-02-07 15:39:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
(snip)
JACK VOTED TWICE
------------------------------
Really?
Then why not get Bart involved, accuse Jack of cheating, and get him to remove my vote if I'm an alter?
Answer: Because you can't, can you?
Look, Bart's already had a few discussions with Jack about his use of alters in the past. He tends to keep an eye on him. If I were an alter, and I voted for Jack in Uber, Jack would be banned, believe me. (..or at least be bounced from UM...)
As for me, Bart knows where I'm at, and knows I'm not an alter.
In case anyone's forgotten, I've also offered to hook up with any Uberite in my part of Ontario (or Quebec)to show who I'm not.
Hell, I'd could even have a beer with Caul if I was any closer to Montreal... ( I live in Embrun, Ont., part way down the 417...)
I'd even like to post some stuff, but the flood of "-2 ALTER"s would make it too bothersome to contemplate.
So if any of you in Eastern Ontario, or Western Quebec want some free beer in return for helping me put the alter thing to rest, let me know .... I'm buying...
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-02-07 18:09:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Regardless of all the arguments about alters and breaking the rules this is a shit final. Entry 2 is far too short and entry one is just.....shite....absolute shite......I (almost) can't believe you wrote that...
Submitted by JohnnyTruant (user info) at 2007-02-07 18:07:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BadSamaritan87 (user info) at 2007-02-07 17:47:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-07 17:43:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-02-07 17:42:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-02-07 15:06:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
why me?
i'm a busy executive
Apollo made me laugh...for the first time since June of 2005.
BuahauahauahahahahahahahahahHAHAHAAHHahahaha
Submitted by Levity (user info) at 2007-02-07 17:15:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-02-07 17:04:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-02-07 17:01:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i agree bonnee.
Submitted by bonnee (user info) at 2007-02-07 17:00:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i think #1 was a masterful work of prose.
definitely worthy of a Nobel in Literature.
pretty fucking long though
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-07 17:00:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by webcorona (user info) at 2007-02-07 16:59:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
well, shit.
Submitted by webcorona (user info) at 2007-02-07 16:58:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by webcorona (user info) at 2007-02-07 16:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
does this one have voting ability?
i honestly forget when it was created.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2007-02-07 16:53:42 EST (<